this is a goodbye to you. it's something i never wanted to write, but i think it's something i need to do. you were, and still are, i'm afraid, a large part of me, and that doesn't go away.
i know that towards the end, here, things were bad... really bad, and i know you blame me. i do as well, somewhere deep; i think so deeply all the time about whether or not this could have been fixed, if my mistakes had never happened, if we would still be okay... i still don't have an answer.
the nights i have spent absolutely crippled with sadness, curled up so tight into myself that i thought i might implode... i would do them all over again if it meant we could start over. the love i have for you was and is real, very real; i know you don't believe that and i don't think i can convince you otherwise. my heart aches at the thought of letting you go, darling, but i have to buck up sometime, don't i?
i so badly wanted it to be you. so badly i would give it all away; but love has a funny way of making you feel on top of the world and underneath it in the same sweet breath. you drive me so ******* crazy, and make me so angry to the point of seeing red, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. my love for you goes too deep.
we're terrible for each other. i know it, and so do you. no doubt crashing and burning would be inevitable, but i couldn't care less. the passion i feel when i kiss you and feel you blind me from caring; it's been months since i've felt you and i still have the same sentiment.
this is just me writing, avoiding the whole point of this... to say goodbye. i so badly don't want to, but this is what i need... and what you no doubt want. i want only a few things for you:
the first is to learn how to forgive. me in specific, yes, but also as a whole. you dwell too much on holding grudges, and you need to let that go. you're thick-headed, dear, and allowing for explanations isn't your strongest suit.
the next thing i want for you is to think of me. i don't want you to forget. i know you'll probably drown yourself in so much brandy you forget your own name, but try not to forget mine in the mess of it all. i know you're so angry you don't even want to hear my name, but please... i don't want to be tucked under the rug like some forgotten belonging. we've gone through so much for me to be pushed aside so coldly. remember the way i felt as your electric fingertips brushed over me, don't disregard those sparks.
the last thing i want for you is happiness; i want you to be so happy you don't know what to do with yourself. whether it is with me, or her, or no one at all, it doesn't matter. i don't think you're a monster, and i want your happiness more than mine. i love you, so much, and seeing you happy after so many months of anger would put me at a little bit of ease. seeing someone or something do what i so obviously could not would show me happiness is still possible in you.
this is it, i suppose. all things need to end and this is one thing i dreaded the most. if we never speak again, just know you planted something in me that can't and won't quit. i love you so much, and thank you. for showing me this heart was capable of loving again. you'll be on my mind, always.
so much love,
this is the follow up note to the one i wrote a year ago... go read "this is a letter to you" before this one to get the full story. i love you so much, TH.