I'm afraid to ask for the love
My parents couldn't give me
I was fed, bathe, sheltered
Emotional love was a luxury
I thought it was okay
Feelings weren't a priority
Until merely existing
Became a both already
If I asked more than minimum
It's a reason to leave me
So I keep all feelings inside
I'm afraid to be needy or clingy
I'm scared to ask for help
To people who aren't family
Even though blood relations
Couldn't keep them beside me
So now I try to reach out
But only when necessary
Because I still struggle to love
And allowing people to love me

You were like a shade of blue
A unique shade I had first encountered
You were a refreshing, relaxing shade of blue
That later became my favourite colour
So the more I fell in love with you
I painted more of my world with that shade
I was surround by that one shade of you
Because you held that comfort that I craved
But then your shade of blue
Turned my world dark and navy
Like the restless waves at night
I couldn't see anything so they drowned me
I realized while stuck between currents
That you are just one shade
Out of a spectrum of colours
I will love another all the same

The first time I fell for you
All the love songs made sense
My feelings expressed in the lyrics
My love expressed with someone else's words
Your image comes to mind every time
Strengthened by its soundtrack
My illusion grows stronger
As it latches on to a song
That song has become yours
I sing to it
Hoping you would listen
So you could sing along
We would make perfect harmony
But it wasn't your genre
Now I listen to them
Again, they are just songs
Someone else's words
No longer hold my feelings

I sculpt you in the papers of my sketchbook
Every stroke of your outline is defined so well
To express the only way I know how
An outlet for my hidden feelings
But seeing your face in view again
Always elicits another daydream
It is never enough
You don't know that I draw you
In your most candid moments
Just to capture that memory again
You're the most beautiful when you don't try
By now I know the beauty in your every flaw
From growing up by your side
As close as we are, I want to be closer
Every canvas I see
Is another home to paint a memory
Your lips like fire, your eyes like the sea
They resemble the chaos of the waves
Showing your wild nature
They reel me in
I drown in them endlessly

Childlike innocence
Childlike wonder
I want to travel back to that time
A simpler time
Simple yet imaginative, so creative
A world solely mine
That is my wanderlust

How easy it is for trees to let go
To let go of it all until bare
What is it like to shed the old
So naturally without a care?
To be covered with a cold blank slate
Teach me, how to let the old go
To make room for new colours
And cut off what I have outgrown
Do you regret every leaf that leaves you
And changes more over time
Or do you relish in the weightlessness
Because you are closer to your prime
Do you feel empty during the season
When the world lacks vibrant colours
Or do you see it as your time to reflect
To change yourself for the better
Do you reminisce when your world was full
Of different sounds, hues and beings
Or do you savour in the solitude
To prepare for your next beginning

I never really had a dream
I always had a goal
Until I met her, it seems
I had one hidden in my soul
I wanted a lavish life
To make up for what I lack
To live out as someone else
Indulge and never look back
Then I met her
Who dreams more than she knows
She is lively, innocent and bright
Inspiring wherever she goes
Her dream is so pure
Nothing to really be gained
She only wanted to see and know
Why those floating stars came
I realized dreams could change
I have found a new dream
To be with her amongst the lanterns
Every year so it seems

I find it hard to sleep at night
As the emptiness settles in
How can I trust the silence?
So I let the night shift begin

Another round of the dark hours
Another night where I cannot sleep
Until another day has begun
Only then I can rest in peace

I move about to ease my mind
Like treading in deep waters
For if I lie still in my bed
It's like a prey waiting to be slaughtered

The quietness and the nighttime noises
Makes it easier to breed
Offsprings of fears and faint concerns
Raising more inner demons to feed

My thoughts frantically run in circles
To fulfill the need to escape
Like an untamed pet in denial
It tries anything just to feel safe

I breathe deeply to calm my nerves
But it turns into gasps for air
Like being thrown into a relentless sea
My lungs fight back unprepared

As the sun rays peek into my room
And the birds chirp amidst their wake
Loosening my once tensed limbs
My fighting stance begins to break

My racing thoughts that run
On the nightly adrenaline
Slows down with the relief
That it is finally morning again

I no longer drown in my thoughts
From the high nocturnal waves
Of every repressed emotion
That resides in my internal caves

He saw her and her wild heart
And thought to tame it like a beast
But she was just a free spirit dancing
Above the waters and the fallen leaves

To tame her would take away her magic
Her enchanting movements would begin to cease
For everything he fell in love with
Would be everything he nor her could keep

Like a butterfly with her wings pinned down
Was like a mouth that could not feed
His promises was full of lovesick bounds
Served him more than he could foresee

For he yearned to keep her in a glass house
To forever contain that natural beauty
Under the finest glass positioned on the wall
Under the premise that it was for her safety

He could not see the forest as her home
He could not fathom her need to be free
To live under a limitless sky
And tread on a never-ending stream

So she hides behind the branches
And fades away gracefully unseen
For he fell in love with a fairytale myth
He only loved what could have been

My feelings for you now
Is like the tide
It comes and it goes
Sometimes the sea is calm
And it doesn't come at all
Sometimes my emotions stir
Like a whirlpool in the sea
Or they become chaotic
Hitting me like a tsunami
My love for you now
Seems to come in waves
Like a gentle tide
That still rushes to you
With feelings not quite the same

My dear child, I have miss you
I've been far from you for too long
But call me and I will always run to you
We are connected with this song
Hear my heart through the rhythm
See my soul through the notes
Feel my love through the melody
For that is why I compose
I will live on through my words
That sing to you every night
You hear them in your heart, your dreams
Even if I'm not in sight
Try not to forget me
We will be reunited soon
Sing my song and I will stay
Forever alive within a tune

As a copy, I find it difficult
To the chase such expectations
Every action is closely dictated
To mimic the original's intentions

Limiting precision and accuracy
Leaves no freedom of expression
I am only an embodiment
Of some product imitation

Every movement I call my own
Only causes more frustration
Because it strays from what is known
Like a phrase lost in translation

What if I was the original?
No longer seen as a mutation
To be the focus and not forgotten
To be the object of admiration

But I am merely just a shadow
A silhouette born into submission
Lost in darkness, behind the light
Cursed with a muted motivation

I like to explore books untouched
Every page is like taking another step
Every chapter is like completing a mile stone
Building a world I don't know yet
The author is my tour guide
Their words build my map
I create distinct images
New locations and people overlap
I meet new characters
I become someone different
Immersing myself in paper adventures
Makes reading much more intimate

Why do you inflict harm upon yourself
When outsiders do it for you
As though there is power in pain
Self-harm gives the power to choose

When the pain starts to when it ends
How much pain is given willingly
Open wounds turn into battle scars
Of the demons who wish to control me

At the end of pain is numbness
Nothing more left to miss
Empty and a hollowed out shell
An embodiment of an emotionless abyss

The warmth of my blood reminds me
Of the warmth I still hold inside
Heart beating, hard breathing
All the essence that I am alive

A part of me still wishes to die
Maybe that part of me should
That part so attached to my demons alike
To rid myself of them; if only I could

Spiteful thoughts fester in the darkest corners
They tell me I am simply no-good
Isolate yourself, you'll be happier that way
You have lived long enough misunderstood

How loud is her voice, condescending and cruel
Yet, she raised me since childhood
Like a toxic love you cannot seem to part with
I still live for the day I would

It's hard to move on
When the issues are still prevalent
It always takes me back to the time
When it was worse and I was innocent
It is hard to forget
The screams and the conflict
And it is hard to ignore
What was ongoing and constant
So when you tell me to forget it all
It's in the past, let's start over
As though you asked me while drunk
It is pointless if you aren't sober
It is hard to forget
The heaviness in my chest
That keeps me grounded
And my mind constantly restless
When you ask me to forget
But didn't ask me to forgive
Do you think it's erasing my regret
For the life I was deprived to live?

Driven by animal instincts
Reminds me yet again
I can no longer daydream
I am no longer human
I forgot the different colours of the leaves
I cannot dream this nightmare away
I cannot see colour in darkness
In the moonlight, they all look the same
I can run faster, I can jump higher
Even then, I cannot escape
I am stuck in the world of the living
An endless, ageless fate
I belong on the other side
I naively hoped the afterlife was better
But dying was more peaceful than this
I didn't choose the path to forever

My depression's logic is distorted
Still enough to persuade me
I have no future, just my past
End it all, so it can spare me
It passes by all the compliments
No matter how many
Only emphasizes the bad
I shouldn't give in to the negativity
I try not to, thought it's hard to
It drains so much of my energy
When I'm trapped to my bed
Tortured with my past until I'm empty

What a tiny nuisance is she
She, who is confined inside my cage
Her mischievous whispers echo
While she clutches my heart again

She plays upon my lungs
Pressing all of the black keys
Passionately like a pianist
Making it difficult to breathe

She giggles oh so playfully
As I wince from my chest pain
She mocks me with excitement
As though we are playing a game

How imaginative and innovative
Constantly spewing out new stories
Creating story plots out of broken pieces
She is the writer of my worries

You're only as free
As you allow yourself to be
And I kept holding myself back

I kept building a cage
In every life stage
Imitating what I knew were facts

Because where I belonged
Was in between four walls
To make up for what I lacked

I couldn't handle the outside
My own potential was denied
It was best for me not to overreact

Head held high with a stern gaze
Always keeping a royal face
Every movement was a graceful act

Poised and perfect I shall be
For one day I will be free
Maintain composure before I attack

There was a girl who loved to read
She would read the faces of other people
Those tiny, hidden, subtle expressions
That were passive but she was capable

She could read the voices of others
Those who aged within the pages
Who stayed immortal in written words
Immune to the outside life changes

She would read atmospheres and moods
In order to know what to portray
She became a character who was dependent
On what the readers wanted her to play

She treated each new encounter
Like a newly rewritten page
Good ones filled with laughter
Bad ones became a cage

Stuck between the same pages
Trapped under the same words
Desperately wanting to flip to the next
A new page or at least the next verse

She was imprisoned inside a book
That gathered dust and was rarely opened
Trapped inside a story that wasn't hers
Only made her feel more broken

She was irrelevant, a side character
In a world that was not written for her
She was only a minor character
Who would not be cared for if she died first

She was a reader, not a storyteller
Her mind consumed people's stories
Lost and confused on an unwritten path
Consumed more of her prematurely

New character roles and labels
Became etched into her skin
All of what was expected of her
To survive the story she was in

With every word written on her
Strayed further from who she was
Every dialogue from which she spoke
Only strengthened her facade

But everyone is a storyteller
Anyone who has a life
She ventured off from the narrative
And created her own story line

She twisted the story's plot
To carve in a new script
To tell the story that is her
In memory of a misfit

You were like a wild fire
That I watched from a distance
Yet somehow you caught my heart
I wanted to be closer, in your presence
So trusting, I reached out my hand
In order to be embraced by you
Aggressively, painfully you took it
And naively I didn't have a clue
That my hand claimed to be unfit
You burned my skin around and through
Crazily I thought I would get used to it
Build up a tolerance that was tough and true
I was mesmerized by your puzzling beauty
How brightly you shined on your own
Throughout the day until the night
I never felt like I was alone
However my tolerance
Didn't seem to grow
Your flames started to consume me
Taking more as they go
You weren't satisfied with a piece of me
You wanted more than I could show
Oddly enough I relished in it
My crazy passionate joking beau

If I'm always the odd one out
I must follow where everyone goes
Regardless whether I want it or not
Just to keep everyone close
I've been conditioned to learn
From others, to always want more
More friends equates to more love
Be more successful than before
But fame and fortune do not excite me
I relish in private solitude
I'm reshaping my view on difference
As a preference I'm willing to pursue

Recently I tell myself
I'm putting this love on hold
It sounds easier than giving up
Or moving on from a love untold
It sounds indefinite yet not
I'm neither trapped or controlled
To stay or leave when parts of me
Are still divided to uphold
If in 10 years I still love you
Or forget this love I know
I hope to be content, in love
To wherever this heart may go

I keep giving away pieces of me
In hearts filled with someone else
As if giving away puzzle pieces
To puzzles already built

I seem to prefer the cold
As if to sooth my bruised heart
So it freezes and no longer bleeds
Frozen around and between the parts
Because a cold heart is still whole
Even if it can no longer feel
When the warmth has been lost
Losing its attraction to appeal
Only a fool would fall in love
Having the intention to steal
This fool's gold of a heart away
One that has been shut and sealed

In this place of adventure and wonder
Because I'm always wondering
What's going to happen next
Where predictability and routine
Are as common as nonsense
I feel comfortable in the chaos
In this place, the sun never sets
The adventure never seems to end
I've always wanted a life like this
I never felt more like myself
I am like a puzzle piece
With the most jagged edges
That somehow fit here so perfectly

If your feelings can only be expressed
By human nature's raindrops
If you must break the dam
That holds your tears back
If you must open your eyes wider
To see past the blurry vision
As if your tears cleanses your sight
Bad thoughts, bad feelings and memories
Flow out through the windows of your soul
Keep them unlatched until the rain has ended
For storms like this come and go
The salty drops that stain your face
Are reminiscent pieces of your sorrows
They are no longer trapped
They are free to fall
It is okay to cry

It is misleading to say
That I am trying my best
When I am actually trying
To prevent myself from getting worse
To prevent that state of being
When I can no longer stand
And sitting up becomes unbearably hard
When every part of me is at its lowest
And my mind has completely given up
I lie still waiting
For my physical being to die with me

As I listen to the sounds
Where outside thunderstorms reign
Sounds like muffled cries from inside
I can't help but empathize with her pain
Aching to be acknowledged
The light from lightning does not stay
In hopes in that split second
Was enough to give it away
Endless tears stain my window
As I hear mother nature's cries
When the storm ends and it is quiet again
Remnants of pain are left behind

Remind myself of my goals
My dreams, my wants and priorities
I want to be the girl I dream of
And see her become a reality
My weaknesses build my strengths
My past builds my future
Become the person I needed before
A place of understanding nurture
Be who I want to attract
Be my closest friends
Be an inspiration
This is not the end

What use to hurt me before
Continues to hurt me now
Though, the people who gave me pain
Are no longer allowed
I realize I still hurt myself
By keeping bad memories around
I am the only one hurting me
A type of self-harm that is mentally bound
I don't want to be in pain no more
Yet I allow life to bring me down
Because that voice is always with me
An inner voice so profound

The road to recovery
May be longer than I intend it to be
As if I've been walking for more than a century
Seems more like the road to immortality
Even if I still walk the path in darkness
Even if I cannot see the end
I will keep walking forward
While my heart continues to mend
I will stitch my heart back to together
Finding new pieces along the way
Filling in those missing parts
It will evolve into something new each day
A path with no light
Can be difficult at times
I cannot see the obstacles
I am more vulnerable from behind
Demons of my past
Or my mere cautiousness
Stop me from going further
I become emotional and careless
Along the way I learned
I create my own light
No matter where I go
There will always be a path in sight

When people have done you wrong
And stolen your ability to love
Do not fight fire with lava
Just look at the skies above
Do not reflect the chaos of the ocean
And let it be cloudy and dark
Even when pain runs centuries deep
They have not stolen your true heart
Your pain does not define you
Nor should it have control
Because love is limitless and plentiful
No matter how young or old
Do not let pain shape your armor
Or help build your walls
For a rock is already known for
Being solid and strong
But what is more amazing
Is a heart that’s been through it all
A love so resilient in something so fragile
That answers every time it is called

Do you ever feel that urge
To let go of everything you are
All the good and all the bad
So you have no choice but to restart
To let go of the deep-set anchor
That binds you to the land
Unable to cast you off
No matter how much you demand
I want to float than to hold a course
I throw my trust into the waves
Hoping they would mould me
Into someone who couldn't be tamed
Recklessly and aimlessly
I dive into the sea of change
It's whirlpools and calm tides
Broke the mold of the girl who stayed
I don't want to fear the unknown
I want to face the depths instead
I don't want to be consumed by darkness
I want to conquer the adventure ahead

Like a butterfly who misses the many legs it once had
Back then when it could only crawl and climb
Like a flower that misses itself at its shortest stem
When it was just a seedling right before its prime

There are moments when nostalgia hits
Too much that it makes me unaligned
I ponder if I should regress to who I once was
Only to go against my evolutionary design

Or perhaps I just miss knowing I was loved
So I question whether again, I would find
Acceptance and belonging with fond memories
With the current identity I now reside

I could go back and make things simple again
Go along with what I’ve been assigned
It's been done before, a path predetermined
With the name I was given at the starting line

When I consider such a thought I feel much resistance
As though I am forfeiting without much of a fight
I feel caged, suffocated with helplessness
If I had to persist in a life limited to foresight

Know where I've been so I know where I’m going
Where is the bridge where these two paths combine?
To keep treading forward as I shed all that is unbecoming
Becoming a way of being I can personally identify

People will keep talking
But I don't have to listen
Others will continue to expect
And define my existence

They will try to take away
What's left of my childlike innocence
And even then, the things I do
Are still none of their business

How can I feel okay?
When they become restless
From me not conforming to their way
They only see it as reckless

Their shallow mouths spew words
Bringing upon damage that is endless
With the naive intentions to help
Yet, why do I feel more helpless?

Childhood criticisms cling to me
Leaving me defenceless
Whenever the guards of my walls
Become tired and careless

I thought it'd be easier to live
If I was just passive and selfless
Until I was driven to the point
Where I couldn't tell what was precious

I have now accepted that it is okay
That I do not share the same ethics
The differences found in me
Should not make me so apologetic

I walk on the same path
I turn at the same corner
Everyday feels the same
But the leaves still fall, then return
Just like how they came
I walk along the sidewalk
An empty gap remains
Half full of presence
And half full of reminisce
As I walk down a sidewalk meant for two

How lonely it is that no one understands
Because it only makes sense to you
You try to convey the feelings you hide
Only fragmented images peek through
There is not enough context to define
What makes your demons so true
How many times you had to lie
There was no perfect time for the truth
How easy it is to simply deny
With a smile you tend to overuse
As if you cannot cross a line
Losing all willingness to pursue
I use to think I was better than fine
Only to realize it was clearly untrue
I'm scared to share this burden of mine
In case you might catch it too

Thank you for listening
To my silence amongst the noise
My unsaid words reached your ears
My quiet voice was heard
Words said through my actions
Words felt with my touch
Thank you for accepting them
And for accepting me just as much
You lifted me up
So that others may hear
The story of my past
And the ocean of my tears
I can walk into the new year
So I bid you a final goodbye
I can go on my own now
All because you made me try

Those silent wars unknown to most
Are the important ones to win
Concealed ongoing wars
Can be easily brushed off with a grin
When the room is filled with absence
Nothing to overshadow your mind
Your thoughts lead you to places
Mindlessly, to where the fight resides
The darkest hours, truly are
Call the strongest foes out
Attacking old scars just healed
Bringing your defences down
While the rest sleep in dreams
Your demons like to hide
Behind the facade of the dark
Where past dreams have died
They use darkness as deception
To camoflauge what you perceive
To portray as frightening as they want
For as long as you believe
You are breathless with fatigue
Lying in a puddle of your tears
For another fight was won that night
Another battle against your fears

Sometimes beauty can be so simple
No glitter nor magic in finer details
Something authentic and raw, like crystal
You can be as you are, simply beautiful

Your definition of beauty bares no need
For fancy words or deeper meanings
I have found that my definition of beauty
More than a definition, it is but a feeling

I look at the cloud cluttered filled sky
It brings me the sweet sound of rain
Then it turns into a star speckled night
I feel a sense of beauty again

I hear the smooth rhythm of an upbeat song
With lyrical play bounded to the music
Then another piece plays only on rhythmic sound
A calm, soothing, soul touching acoustic

I find myself gravitating to beautiful things
Things that flourish within their elements
Beauty to me, is not only what shines or sings
But a story told through genuine sentiment

Love encased in words
Traveling from one mind to the next
Your pen draws out feelings
As an offering to the recipient

How does one capture warmth
And release it on to paper
Where a piece of a heart's soul
Folded so neatly by its maker

I open my heart like a letter
That used to be sealed in secrecy
I feel love in words, written and said
I love each letter significantly

Each line I read gradually builds
With every word, like a puzzle piece
Creating a simulation of those I love
Giving me comfort in times of need

A day to myself
Is a day I can control
Not for anyone else
To have my life in their hold
No pressure or priorities
That stem from the outside
Less expectations or emotions
To heavily effect my insides
I gain the freedom to live
My day in mirrors
To reflect and perceive
In the presence of the other her
To spend quality time
With my looking glass self
A break from the hectic world
Needed space from everyone else

You are one of those people
Who loves my company
Though, when it comes to my different sides
You couldn't love all of me
How can you say you understand
When you neglect my inner demons
If you are ashamed of them, you are ashamed of me
They are a part of me from deep within
How can you understand me
When you only care what is easy to know
That you do not dare solve the puzzles
Of the complexities of my soul
So when you say you love me
I cannot believe in such a lie
Because my dark layers were too deep for you
And you didn't even try

There once was a little starling
Who was born on the milky way
Surrounded by others just like her
In the constellations where they had played

One fateful night she fell out of orbit
Floating farther and further away
Surrounded by the darkest of galaxies
Wondering why she couldn’t have stayed

There were days she lost a little more stardust
Trailing behind her like a shooting star
Falling into the biggest black hole
She was scared of losing more of her parts

Surrounded by the empty darkness
She lit the darkest corner of the universe
Though she was unable to see her own light
Because too often she cared for others first

She came back to us as a 4 pointed star
Losing one of them on her journey home
Every night we formed a cluster of stars
To remind her that she was never alone

If only she knew she was a starseed
In the darkest moments is where she grows
For she became our brightest north star
Who always brought us home with hope

I thought one life out of millions
Was simply irrelevant to most
What significance does one life make?
In this case, only God knows

The sun shines over humanity
Another shadow with every person
With darkness only accumulating
It'd be brighter with one less human

But I realized that the world
Can be so cruel and horrid
That is why hope amongst the dark
Makes the smallest light important

If the world turned into eternal night
And every person became a star
Each person would make the world brighter
Including you just as you are

How many times did you decide
You have given up on this life
So many times you tried to hide
The growing darkness behind your eyes

It seems the burden only gets heavier
But your limbs still manage to to move
No matter how slow, from here, it gets better
With each step, is another for you to prove

Every time you fall, the wounds get deeper
Yet, each time you still get up
Remember you are your own keeper
Every part of you was and is still enough

The closer you get, the longer you exist
The more you are willing to lose
Even when the thoughts continue to persist
In the end, they're still waiting for you

I understand now
Why unrequited love is so hard to get over
It is resilient
It doesn't need much to grow
Nor does it need much to love
It can be torn apart, played with and experimented
But underneath the cuts and scars
There is still love
How do you break a love so stubborn?

It's easier to say I'm fine, just tired
As if my reply was a movie
Cutting out the details and generalizing
In a way, not giving the whole story
Read me to know more
Though it may be long and tedious
Only for the people who want more
Who will love me more serious
When I say I'm tired
I am tired of life
So when I become more distant
I'm just trying to survive