I miss you

Call me over

Pick me up

Let's drive off-road

In your truck

Bring me upstairs

To your room

Touch me again

Make me swoon

please don't forget to remember me hunny
when I am gone and can't hurt anymore
when I at last go and my blood can no longer flow
I'm so empty I'm amazed I can bleed
let me fade, fade away now
just stop breathing
I'm so hurt, afraid of everyone leaving
let me laugh, laugh hard
like it's the only thing I have left
because this moment -- this is it
and I'll be ****** if I let it go
if I let my sorrow show
so I'll pretend enough to
make them believe
this is me
this is me
or at least who I was, back when I was happy

we circled each other like strange, timid animals of prey
you’d never seen me crazy
but you’d never given me a reason to try
so discarded you mark me
shelf me as that little girl who’ll never understand



now here we are parked in your car
the orchard is quiet tonight
echoing the silence we are disrupting
before you can take my hand and preach your lies
I pop the door and take off

you sigh believing me to still be a child
until you get out to fetch me
and in the dark you see my top before you
do you question what’s underneath me
like you do what’s under the rest of my clothes

no where in sight is the little girl you once knew
intuitively you head toward the pond
contemplating new baptisms
or finally cleaning off layered dust to find reality
wondering what tragedies I’ll bring you this time

do I still make you feel like a young boy as I jump
in the water covered by mere splashes and starlight
are you surprised by the me I am here
that the me you barely knew was fraud
or rather only a mask as painted as your own

tell me i'm being a dramatic brat
because i'm the one
who turned you down
i threw you away

you have saved my life
too many times to count
i tried to give you space
these long years
six years ago
you met me
and i was a doll
and you were a bird
and now i am nothing

i expected to be your last
pick as it's been
for the past years after
she told you no as always
i actually expected that
i'm such a *****

but she said yes
she told you yes

i remember
when we were thirteen
back when we were thirteen
and now you're and adult
and i'm not far behind
and you said she'd be with him
and in my head i added that
you'd be with me
you'd be with me
it seems i've always been
a presumptuous little *****

i can't believe
i'm crying over you
you always made me cry
more than anyone
even back when i was twelve
do you remember when
we were twelve
and you told your instructor about
how you gave me my insomnia
you were the start
of the problem that still
haunts me at late hours
but you were the start
you were the start of me
of so much good
you are the only one who knows
the secret i won't tell a soul
not another soul
just us alone
you are the first one
the first one i loved selflessly

i tried to give you space
i know i came back a few times
but i tried to forget you
in other men
because you proved to me
not all men were
*** driven pigs
utter *******
like i grew up with

and i asked last year
i asked why not me
what with all our chemistry and how
you're the only one
i have ever let touch me
with out panicking
you are the only one
i asked why
and you gave me the reason
the one thing i cannot change
and i weep over it bitterly
that the only thing keeping me from you
is perhaps
the thing i love most about you

and i wanted one night to feed
my craving for all the nights
but she took it from me
the sweet girl
who has the one thing
i do not
the sweet girl
you met a year before me
and you fell in love with
seven years ago
a year before i fell for you
i love you

i just wanted that one night
one night
a girl who is devastated
over one night of her life
tell me i'm being a dramatic brat
because i threw you away first
and you haven't given me
a second chance i don't deserve
~

I'm just sitting here
Eating the ice cream you love
With my heart growing colder
My soul feeling older
I remember your smile
It hitting your eyes
The fire glowing as bright
As the spark between us
With your absence so is the light

I want it to switch,
I want to startle you awake
so that you are greeted
by an empty darkness.

Someone who wasn't afraid

Perhaps is all I needed

Not knowing I was terrified

When you sacrifice me to your friends,
Do you feel like a god?
When you slap me across the face,
When you play me like your guitar,
In front of them all,
Do you feel good,
Feel better?
Because you just killed a girl
Who only wrote you love letters.

Shh, shh, shh,
Shut down.

Ask him how well
It worked out
When we broke up,
Then he wanted me back.

How he showed up crying.
He's the only other one
I've ever called my Polaris,
And he called me his Firefly.

Late nights in my basement,
Giggling quiet because
My parents didn't know.

Ask him about
When I chose him
Over my Bird,
And he felt like air.

Ask him about
When he took it
Too far,
And why I don't wear
Miniskirts anymore.

Ask him about Valentines,
And why his new girlfriend
Hates me.

Ask him
What I'm like
When I lose
Predictability...

if i had the room to breathe
i'd tell you what i really think
if i had the sense to leave
i'd run away before you blink
but i'm not in charge
haven't been for a while
i let you back in
greeted with my smile
you make me into nothing
just a puppet to be worn
pull my strings or cut them
make me wish i wasn't born
they all think i'm crazy
what you do to me
feels better when it's hazy
when i'm numb and can't see
i'm itching begging screaming
with need for sweet release
let the dead things spill out
let them leave me please
i'm shakey sickly scared
to be back here again
addict trembling holding
the beginning of the end
i miss the feeling of clarity
of acute euphoric lust
the bitter sting of reality
making all the noise hush
a sticky sweet sadistic lullaby
calming all my bones
the one time you don't touch me
the one time i'm alone
i will always lose
with you i cannot win
red rivers run high
with the tide of sin

Home wrecker
Home wrecker
Is that what I am
Or are rumors just rumors

Slutty flirt
Slutty flirt
Is that what I am
Or am I just self absorbed

Your enemy
Your enemy
Is that what I am
Or did I have nothing to do with it

I've never been addicted to drugs
I've never been addicted to ****
I have been told I'm a good kisser
I have been told I'm a good stripper
I've gone streaking
I've gone skinny dipping

Sometimes I want to be with the crowd laughing
Sometimes I'm afraid of how the laughs sound
Sometimes I flat out hate laughing
Sometimes I'm a giggling mess

I've been told I glare when I'm not trying to
I've been told I can look like a block of ice
I've been told I have a sick sense of humor
I've been told I should sleep more

Autumn is kissing the swamp maples
and God it feels like foreplay
The air is hinting at the frost to come
and it dances on my tongue
and crawls down my throat
The breeze grips me
like fingernails down my spine
My toes curl and my breath fogs
as I drink down the taste

Possessing a lover can be a feeling so addictive
and I've never know a lust like this

Please close your eyes, close your eyes
I can't bare to be looked at in the light

If you can't see beyond the silhouette of a personality then you can't judge the soul
Who could I be that you would love me
Who could I be that  I  would love me
All I can control is the pose and the poise being lent to my silhouette

Whisper songs in a broken tune
From him to me, from me to you
From us to them the cycle goes
None if it is mutual, or so I'm told

Colors don't matter when you're in the dark
Lipstick stains are scattered, leaving waxy marks
You laugh and I wince praying you can't see
Don't notice the anxiety sweating off of me

As long as the lights are dim I can play this foolish game
But turn them on and I shall melt and fall again

Waiting on my back on the stone bench at my second home. Outside with my feet tucked up on the bench and my head back. Ear-buds in listening to the radio. Waiting. Holding my arms up above my face with a book, reading. Or perhaps just watching the clouds. Waiting.
            I’d get a text asking where I was and asking if we could meet up. I’d answer. The car would pull up and then they would get out and walk up. Of course they’d laugh and ask what I was doing. The fresh air is good for me I’d reply grinning. We’d just do something simple then. Together. Something utterly childish. They’d think it was great and so would I. The fact that we weren't like everyone else wouldn't bother them. Wouldn't bother us because we were happy with or without it. The way it should be. And it would be perfect. Because we’d be together.
            I love him. He’s my best friend.

Forgive me father for I have sinned
I threw my soul away
I rejected the gifts given me
Because I didn't believe in happiness

He asked me if I loved him
I told him yes because
I liked the heat of his breath
I told him yes because
I thought that I'd be too happy if he left

She told me this was what love was
I nodded my head because
She smelled nice and
Made my headaches stop
I didn't know that
She'd make me question everything

I told myself that I wasn't depressed
My life became an Icon For Hire song
I was a happy girl that's what
My parents told the psychiatrist back
When I still showed them my sketch book

They told me that I had friends and
I thought that that's what the bottles were
They told me that it was okay
And I thought that's what I was
But we were all wrong

Finally I tried to stop the questions
The ones I couldn't answer
That all echoed in my head
So I tied some knots outside
To match the ones inside
And tried to say goodbye

I didn't believe in happiness
So I thought that I'd just die

There will be a morning
Like all the rest
When you turn over and open heavy lids
As you exit slumber you are startled
Because you are alone

You fell asleep alone
Yet you will be surprised
You call out, remembering the lives that once mingled with yours
They can be heard calling back
But they are not calling back to you

You lay in your nest
Wondering how all the birds flew away
When you've barely hatched

You broke my stereotype. Took my normal and replaced it with you.

You were my "puppy", my two a.m., my everything.
You made me laugh when I felt like dying.
You let me cry instead of faking, smiling.
You held me in such a way that I wasn't afraid.

My world didn't make sense until you were a part of it.
Everything I ever showed you you accepted.
You showed me what it's like to be loved.

And you were the most beautiful lie I've ever known.

My left hand is heavier now
Though I feel light
I'm floating
Like I'm underwater
But free of pressure

I am dancing and swirling and soaring
In a sea of our own creation
I am blissfully at peace

We both exhausted ourselves to get here
And I wouldn't trade it for the world

The moment did arrive
And we remain frozen
Until the thaw long awaited, due at winter,
We are here

Nearly done waiting
Finally done searching

I've found my favorite constellation
Beautiful, it covers your bones

I remember

the first time

you ran your thumb

over the scar

on my lower back.

You called me beautiful.

I was the mistake
       The twisted pervert
       The freak freak freak
       The try too hard to fit in
       The anorexic miserable *****
       The depressed neglected waste of time
I am the nothing
       The girl who keeps getting scar after scar
       The girl who begs to be hurt so she'll feel
       The girl who can't find comfort in her own blood anymore
       The body limp waiting for someone to find me

under the tortured capture of time
under the tortured capture of this rhyme

dwell in the uncertain future
thoughts of what could be, full of dread
stay in the concrete past
where memories and hopes are dead

                                     don't be confined
                                     to stay within the lines
                       run, escape
                       break free, walk away
          become your own
          live your life
          like you have nothing left
today, this moment, take it

please come talk to me
i need to hear something besides the voices in my head

please come hold me
i havent been held in a very very long time

please come stop me
i dont think i can do it myself this time

*. . .

Inside jokes

                     Late night rendezvous

                                                         There's no nerd

          That drives me more crazy than you

Maybe I don't like to admit when I'm wrong
But then again, neither do you
Maybe trying to find each other in foreign places was the worst way to meet
But your heart eludes even you
Maybe I should have shown you honey before stone
But stone walls have always been safer
Maybe I was never good at knowing who to trust
But I thought that I could let you in
Maybe taking shots in the dark is ineffective
But it doesn't matter now that my heart's broke again

One of the saddest things is
We never got to fly together.
You were the one I could turn to,
When the one I usually turned to
Became unbearably intolerable,
But you never got to roll 'em
While I popped caps off.
So, I ******* hope you're happy,
Because you flew yourself into a tower,
And I'm flapping circles.
And it's funny, because
Everything you did was for everyone else
But me? I just hate myself.

You looked at me like you were insulted I hadn't noticed,
when I asked what it was that you carried around your neck.
As you pulled the pendent out from under your shirt,
you said you'd been wearing it all week.
But I already knew.
I'd been staring at the cord it's on,
wanting to feel it between my fingers all week --
and have the dark hair on the back of your neck brush my hands.
I'd been seeing it for days from behind you and beside you.
I can't help but notice you constantly, hourly,
so of course I saw the black cord around your neck.