There are two reasons why people get defensive.

They are either being greeted with a categorical lie about their nature.

But more likely an absolute but as of yet unaccepted truth of themselves.

Aged twelve i lost my faith in the world. Opened my eyes to my own demise and what followed was a sadness with seemingly no explanation. I looked at the world and how shallow it is and I drowned in it. Where being kind and considerate seemed to get you nowhere.

Where we were getting taught to accept all that was unfair and unjust made me feel if you care you can't trust. And most of this was from our education system, I could see that hidden curriculum. So being the most unlikely rebel I dropped out of school, point blank refused to go, dragged kicking and screaming literally grabbing onto the doorframe until they gave up, and though I was relieved it should be believed that you never really get over someone giving up on you.

So I was left , set adrift. Sit in my pyjamas though I never slept, stay inside and limit my contact with it. Protect myself from it, I wanted no part of it. But the effects of isolation should not be underestimated, it just added to it, introspective perspective, curse of the sensitive proved deadly to my spirit.  I'd Watch my friends play out from my window and wonder how can they be happy, don't they know? Don't they see the worse it gets the more you grow ? It seemed not, so maybe I was just crazy.

Self awareness too early made me wary, it was scary and I didn't understand so I surrendered to that white coat "helping hand" Your child's withdrawn, depressed and suffering from social anxiety, but was that really me? Could they not see?! They asked so many questions but never asked themselves why? Not that I could express what was going on in my mind at the time.

So I took it for gospel as I could no longer hear GODS call. (My faith in him died slowly as I'd pray every night hoping he'd show me the way but he never did) Traded it in for the words of professionals and specialists, cause they must know right? Little did I know it would shape my life for a long time.

Give an obedient child a label and they will stick to it, give an overwhelmed and confused child a label and they will thank you for it! Unlucky for me I was both. Any opportunity to make sense of the world I now saw I took willingly. Turned out mentally ill is what it would be.

The effects of isolation on an already overactive mind cannot be overstated. The battle I fought was with thought. This is why I had no time to speak to or see anybody. It was all consuming in my tiny anatomy.

I can't change for you.
This personality I can't adjust it,
cause then would you trust it?

**I wouldn't.

You know sometimes
You catch me unaware

Like when I'm brushing your hair
And you rest your head on my stomach
But I feel your warmth in My chest
Inhale, Exhale
As I always have
but there's a Change in my breath

And suddenly this moment
Becomes very real,
yet ethereal  
it delicately spreads.
Like my fingers
Through these
Waves cascading
Down your neck
Framing
Your beautiful face

It leaves a smile on mine
To be sharing this space with you
In this place with you
Meet your eyes gaze

You call me Rhipunzal
But it's your locks
That give me a way in
Got me appreciating
Little moments like this
The closeness, the bliss
And I may still have a lot more to
Learn about love
But I can feel it here
In the quiet
On your forehead
In my kiss

I See So Many


Looking for Validation


Looking for Approval


Looking for Esteem


And love and assurance and adoration



I See So Many


Waiting on Respect


Waiting on Recognition


Waiting on Inspiration


And opinion and votes of confidence


I See So Many


Investing in the wrong things


Losing their way


As they follow another's path


Hoping to be shown


What they've known since birth


I See So Many


Turning to their left and right


Unable to head on


As they gauge the reactions


Of the many that stand side by side


All Terrified that they'll get it wrong


I See So Many


Making things so integral


To their own well being


Dependent on others


On others seeing


But all are blind


Because I see so many*


Have lost sight

Hello again,
Insomnia my old friend,
Keeping me awake with thoughts
I can't        s
                 h
                     a
                        k
                     e
Like how I increasingly don't understand
                               people
                
                 Cause maybe I'm not able,

                      **Understand-able

Using your past to justify your present
Is the wrong way to go

Use your present to justify a future
and make it a good one bro.

Wondering how at nearly 25
I'm feelin left out?
This shelved life
got me in two minds
But I won't cry over split milk
It'll soon be dried
Up like the invites
I forgot to R.S.V.P
too busy tellin you
I'm just too busy
tryin to do me,
Right?*

Just do right by me
tonight
And bring me back in.
Going off ain't a sin,
Yeah I may have gone off
but not by much.
Still here on the side,
Tried to stay in touch
Reaching distance,
So reach out
And pick me up
it's worthwhile
you've not had enough
What's gone today,
come tomorrow will fill your cup.
Left overs still the best
Just need some heating up,
A fresh season,
a little warmth and love

Sometimes there's
nothing more beautiful
than things left unsaid...

                     And sometimes
                      there's nothing
                                 worse.

They call it a depression because it is like sinking.

It's like sinking in a perspex box. You can see the help, you can hear the muffled voices as you start to go under but they just can't get to you.

But what if you realised that that perspex box was in fact a bubble, and that bubbles float and that you could stay afloat until you could see it through. You could see through the haze and see this despair in all its transparency: it's pain and pain subsides, these tides won't take you under. You're not trapped in a perspex box, you're in a bubble, a compromised barrier easily popped and they will reach out to you , their voices will become clear, hold out your hand, lend an ear...listen and they will listen back.

Got the Concentration levels
Of a McDonald's coke
Wish I could order "no ice"

Tolerance levels
Of a recovering alcoholic
Losing my status of "nice"

Fitness levels
Of a Weight Watcher on the wagon
Piece of Cake we all want a slice

Trust levels
Of Drake on a date
Always gotta think twice
But...
(I reiterate the previous verses last line)

Haven't been myself for a while now,
Adopted a new identity,
Inhibited another role far removed from what you see, saw...

Shadow strayed far from its maker,
Ship that's been long lost at sea,
Line up of all shapes and sizes
All professing to be me.

Pain is like a caged beast

It needs to be released

And that means you can't keep on feeding it

Cause of course it'll ****** come back!

What do you want from me?
Do I frustrate you?  
What does that look, that gleam betray to you?
What do the thoughts that dance behind those eyes say of you?
Are they the same as mine, will they remain true?

And what if those thoughts they changed, would you tell me?
If they somehow get rearranged would you sell me?
Exchange me in your thoughts silently before I see,
another taking my place before I  take leave.

But you don't even tell me them now at the beginning.
No words from a mouth that is kissing.
No words from a mouth so no sinning?
So tell me who here is winning?

And all this goes through my mind as we're kissing
and none of it matters because I'm no longer missing
what it could have been like to be with you
because that which  could have been has become truth.

This one and one has become two
but as the individuals they undo
will you and will I remain too?
Will you and will I remain true?

Isn't it funny
How you dismiss the love
Of those who are probably
the most sincere
I've done it quite a lot in life
And I can't even pretend that I care
Cause I don't
When I think about it
There's rarely any stirring feeling there
It's more of an annoyance
That I don't take seriously
Crush your silly crush!
I've audibly told one to just
"Get over it" once

Isn't it funny how
You miss the love of those
that never gave it.
I've done this quite a lot in life
And I can't even pretend that I don't care
Cause I do.
When I think about it
the despairing it stirs just seems unfair
It's an unhealthy preoccupation
That I take too seriously
Weighs heavy and crushes me
Audibly looked in the mirror
And told myself to "Get over it"
Once, twice, or more.

(PRESENT)
It is a hard thing to tell someone that you love them when you know that you're not gonna hear it back

(AFTERMATH)
It is a foolish thing to tell someone that you love them when you know that you're not gonna hear it back.

(FUTURE)
It is a Brave thing to tell someone that you love them when you know that you're not gonna hear it back.

Her name is Chandney
In Punjabi it means the Moon
The thing about the moon is
It's not always appreciated
as much as it should be

The Sun steals all the glory
The Moon merely awaits its time
To come and reflect on the days
the Sun has left behind

The Moon picks up the pieces.

Chandney is my best friend
for a time she was my only friend
The only person I would call a friend
Not because I'd known her for so long
But because of all the things she'd done

Like coming to my door everyday
after school when I'd dropped out
and wasn't leaving the house,
tellin me about her day through the
intercom when she was young
and had the time to do that

The Moon kept me in touch
with the world of the Sun,
gave me a little bit of light left over
in the days when I saw none

And that's something that I will never forget

Like the first time I saw the moon cry
This moon is strong, this moon has pride
That hurt me inside
And every time since when I've seen
a sad face etched on your surface

I've cried with you, side by side
As you were Beside yourself
Day I realised that love comes
In many different forms
Cause I'd go above and beyond
anything I could ever do for myself
To reach out to you, lift you up
make you Smile, offer help

As long as I'm around
I want you to know
That the Moon is never truly alone
You have a sky full of stars
to keep you company
Consider the closest one to You as Me

We've shared some memorable nights
You and I
From first sleep overs
To gettin waved for the first time

Unlike so many The Moon
doesn't change with the tides
Loyal friend to this lunatic
The Moon changes the tides

When I was left alone
Crying night after night
The Moon watched over me
The Moon kept me company
Even in silence when
I didn't want to speak

The Moon was there

The constant silver lining
Reminding me that a new
day was gonna come
And I'd see the dark times through
Moon by my side goin through
the dark times too

We met as kids
And together we grew
I believe life for me is like
Those late night car journies
I'm Lucky, It's True

That No matter where you go
When you look out the window
The Moon is always with you

So I'll throw stones,
cause I can already see the cracks.
Aim for them and brace myself
for all that's hailed back
Cause sometimes the best way
to see who you really are
is to see what you do under attack
I won't rely on glass to protect me,
I'll have my own back 
Shatter my own shell
Be rid of false Fragility,
Free all the ability
With the agility
Gained from the shield I now lack

Lost Sight in life
Though I'm not Blind

ConsideRate
Yet I'm not paid in Kind

Now I'm Lost
As I searched to Find

I gave it Heart
Only to lose my Mind.

You my friend
    
                Mistake stubbornness

                                            For *Strength

It's funny how those first meetings are etched into your memory
At the time you have no idea of the significance or the impact that meeting would have

When I first met you,
you was wearing a batman
onesie in Maccy D's
You gave someone else a hug
Looked at me, I smiled shyly
Little did I know how special
You would come to mean to me.

Last time I saw you
I gave you a hug that I didn't really want to end
Now I'm sat in a park, surrounded by people playing pretend
Because there's only one person I really want to be here with
And that's you