I know I want her

I am internally screaming.
But I keep my mouth shut,
And my scars hidden.

Don't turn your back to the darkness.
What you'll see in the light is far worse.

My poems are not me
My poems are not how I feel
My poems are just a simple constellation of words that my brain created, and my fingers wrote down for the reading pleasure of others
I'm fine

Is this a celebration,
Or eternal death?
Is this a good thing,
Or an internal war?
Writing so much more,
The best filtered out.
But the poems never shown,
Maybe the best of all.
If poems are sometimes,
Actually true feelings
They will not be seen,
Because we cannot be honest

Blank yellow pages
Empty writing lines
Yet filled with thoughts
A poet at it's finest
A flower, Harnessed by the wind
Inspirational nothing
Words don't rhyme
Everything goes on, except time
My feelings, never fully good
And you'll never see through the eye of a true poet

If all the good girls go to hell,
...
I'm the sweetest of them all.
...
Because I'm already there

You've already been in there for way too long.

Hello there.
Same sentence,
Different voice.
But I want to hear yours.
I dreamed about you last night.
Not really a surprise.
Just desire.
What?

But I just wanted to say I love you

Fingertips frozen,
Arms up my sleeve.
But I have to write this idea down.
My hands are already filled with ink.
Everything has to be gold these days.
Golden chain, Golden eyes, Golden soul, Golden ring.
Still want to be the one to speak her name as mine though.
It's cold outside,
But I'm colder.
You poor thing.

Ghosts are real,
Monsters are too.
They live inside us.
And sometimes they win.

Baby, I've always been writing.
But you made me a poet.

Hide everything.
Words, Thoughts.
Feelings, Cuts.
Good thoughts are spoken.
Bad thoughts are thought.
Letters written,
Emotions bestowed.
Never show,
Never tell.
Hide my poetry,
No one needs to know how I feel.

Maybe I should start doing homework,
I just wrote eight finished drafts.
I have an arm full of words and ink,
That I just made in class.
What else should I be doing?
Is the question mostly asked.
But I'll just copy her history notes,
I really need to get some sleep.

=</>~&#$!(^)%-'@+

Think                                             ­  h
                    Th   ink                        e
   Ov ert  hink                                  l
                    ­                                      p
   . . ...                                                

Psygopath m i  n    d                      m
                                ­                          e
   . ... .
                                                           i
You Didn't Just                                '
Let Me                                              m

be            ­                                          d
                     ­                                     y
Torn Like                                         i
                                                          n
   T                                                     g
h
                a
          t
...

I'm S low ly
  S
     u
f
f
   o
c
  a
t
  i
n
   g

=</>~*&#$!(^*)%-'@+

A tap on my shoulder,
And a wink,
From you,
When you saw me walking.
All I needed,
To make sure.
Now I know.
This isn't normal.
And even though I know.
I really know you're never there.
I still spend the breaks,
On the same place
Every day.
Still hoping,
You will pass me in the hallway

...

Because my poems are always depressed,
I tried to write something happy for you.
~
Depression returns.
~
Half of our converstations
Is laughter.
~
And I was figuring out,
If your laughter was a mask too sometimes.
~
And I broke through,
But it wasn't
~
Hapiness stayed.
~
I helped you write your first poem,
The motto:
~
Never give up,
Don't be sad.
~
And I wonder
If you'll ever
~
See trough the eye,
of a true poet.
~
And if you'll never,
Stay sad.
~
And if you'll ever,
Keep going

...

As I stare into the void,
Of a world I cannot hold.
I Escape now from that world,
From the world of feeling.
There is nowhere I can turn,
There is nowhere to go on.
Want to be the one,
To speak her name as mine.
Stars in the daylight.
Sun in the moonlight.
If Only.

It's scaring me,
What humans can do.
To others, but mostly ourselves.
Cut,
Drink,
Take some pills.
Talk yourself into depression,
And out.
Humans scare me,
Am I one?
Or am I the monster on the opposite side of the mirror?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 13, the only true sentence i ever wrote.
I don't think you're the reason.
These lies made me feel just as bad as I said.
No, I don't do drugs,
No, I don't love you.
Yes, I need help.
No, I don't want help.
Yes, I want to be the one to speak her name as mine.
Yes, I know that that will never happen.
No, I don't know what is happening to me,
Neither do I know If I want to continue my life,

This is the end,

...

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 12, You.
I'm looking for ideas, can't be inspired by the world around me. My head is full of unwritten, unspeakable poetry only when I see you. My muse, almost. And I try to feel- and feel- and feel. But the scenery changes. You left. Take the blame for other's actions, and your own. And every time you leave my mind, somehow always inspire me. Wether it's your tears from reading my suicide note, or your laugh from, well, anything. And the "you" is so many people, so many ideas. Past, Present, Future. "You" is a broad understanding. It's 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or even more people. All the same, Yet so different. After such a short time, everyone leaves, and returns to my mind again. In so many different ways. The slightest is necessary. A tap on the back, and a wink. A smile, or a few tears. A hug, or guilt. My own depression. It's true what you said a few minutes ago. All my poems are tagged with depression. I'm just too sad for you, I thought. But i said; because uhh well I wrote those things a long time ago. I hear a lot; "I'm worried about you" aswell. I asked if it was a good or a bad sign that i did, and you said: A BAD SIGN OF COURSE! I laughed. Because maybe this isn't understandable, but enjoyable. Maybe the feeling, and the realisation people cared was the reason. Because it almost makes me feel happy seeing people cry. I'm a psychopath. And sometimes I see myself. And I Can't explain in words how much I hate myself for doing this to you, but mostly, for not being sorry. Don't be like me.

Today I looked in the mirror,
After writing a few poems.
And I wondered how long I could sit there,
Without starting to hate myself.
But I didn't see myself in the mirror.
I saw a monster.
Hidden in a box.
And if the safe opens,
And the secrets are spilled.
All that's left to see,
Is the self portrait of a monster.

Six feet under,
Down the drain.
Lie my feelings,
Is my luck.
Six feet under,
Under this dirt.
Is my hapiness,
Is my love.
Six feet under,
Or hidden anywhere.
Depression is here,
Right inside me.
Six feet under,
Where we live.
I try to
Cover this sadness.
Six feet under.
I try to hide,
Alcohol, Drugs, Cigarettes.
I'm slowly suffocating.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 11, Hostage.
Surprisingly.
It's really not like me to be so mean,
You're all I wanted.
Nature changes,
You left my mind.
And someone else entered it.
I don't know what feels true.
But this feels right,
So stay a sec.
Yea you feel right,
So stay a sec.
And let me crawl inside your veins.
I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
Hold and hidden,
By my own hostage.
Kiss me until I can't speak.
Let me listen to your voice.
And let me drown in your words.
Want to be the one,
To speak her name as mine.
Changing sentences into the same.
Hold and hidden,
By my own hostage.

Everything I see,
Turns into ideas.
Poems, paintings,
Music, art.
My life is full,
Unfinished.
Drafts everywhere.
Surrounded by
Undone paintings.
I Sometimes
Have to,
Clean it all up.
Delete, Erase,
Rip apart.
So you can go now.
I don't need you,
You're a
Worthless idea.
It's all
Worthless
Anyway

< >

Poetry tells a story.
But what if the poem,
Turns into the story?

< >

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 10, The faded memories of a long remembered time.
These things are getting darker every time. So do I. Wishing This wouldn't be just the past, faded memories of times we want to remember. But I can't. These moments may have destroyed me, I still want to remember. Who I was, what drove me into this, and who I never want to become again. These memories are fading, my life is turning into a perfect one. I'm slowly suffocating. Why won't you let me be imperfect, And accept my past. We were young, And all we had was a city. But I don't mind. Will you please let me go back to the times love still existed here, The thoughts of getting out. You can let me go for once, And we'll still be okay.

Finally, at last.
I thought you'd never leave my mind.
But today, for the first time in 142 days.
I didn't woke up,
Thinking about you.
Surprisingly, I never thought this was love.
Just a stupid remedy,
For a self broken heart.
But dispite the fact I'm not thinking about you.
You still left your fingerprints on my skin.
And your voice in my ears.

< >

A lot of photo's
Are taken every day.
But a few are really special.
So many memories,
Shared with my friends.
The world tears us apart.
But we stick.
The problem is,
Will you still remember me,
If these pictures are lost and gone?

< >

I never knew such things existed.
"Love at first sight."
And I'm still not completely convinced.
You're all I've been thinking about the last few days though.
I'm so ******* confused.
Don't even know what I'm feeling.
People would call it 'Love at first sight'
It has all the symptoms though.
Or whatever you want to call it.
But again, I'm still not entirely sure.
I don't feel anything at the moment itself.
But when we both turn around,
And walk in the opposite direction.
I can scream from hapiness.
Because it's not love.
But what is it?

Somehow,
After all these days,
I still don't remember.
Where did you go?
Where did I leave you?
When you walk out that door,
Leaving me torn,
You're teaching me to live without it.
But still we wonder.
When we all fall asleep,
Where do we go?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 9, Drown in your words at midnight.
"****, my window makes hella noise after last night's thunderstorm."
"So does that mean you can't sneak out at night anymore?"
"There's got to be another way, I'll fix it."
"Do you think you can do that?"
"If I want to."
"What do you want?"
"You. I want you. I want to love you. I want us to be together in a safe place. I want us to finally be okay. I want us to have a normal life, without hiding the drugs and alcohol, without hiding at all. I want to talk to you. I want us to realise. I want to write and paint and listen to music forever without the need to stop. I want to cry. I want to smile. I want to drown in your words at midnight.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 8, Broken mirror
No one will ever make sure the clock stops ticking.
No one will ever keep a poem as one of their dearest possesions.
No one will ever leave the pages blank if they have words to fill it with.
No one will ever keep an extinguished cigarette in their package.
No one will ever stop being afraid of the dark, so we turn into the dark ourselves.
No one will ever keep an empty bottle of alcohol in their drawers.
No one will ever stop cutting themselves when they realise they shouldn't.
No one will ever keep the light on if they can choose to close their eyes.
No one will ever love without wondering why.
No one will ever keep a broken mirror in their pockets.
Or would you?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 7, The call of satan.
Are you okay? I can see you. I can see the tears in your eyes. I can see your face turning red. I can see the anger, I can see the need for help. Why do we hide it? Why do we push each other away? I love you, Can't you see? The silent call of satan takes my will to live away. Singing to the devil together, feeling Bohemian Rhapsody. The thoughts are leaking out of me right on the paper, so is my blood. The silent call of satan took my will to live away.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 6, Lillie
I might've mentioned it once or twice, this name, person, mind. This is probably one you can't relate to much. But maybe I can make you feel as if it does. I once heard this beautiful voice, that said my name. Well, it wasn't even my actual name. Just a nickname. You said: "Lillie, what you you think?" While you showed me one of your drawings. I was in love within a second. That beautiful voice, that one word never left my mind since. I wish it did though. It's killing me, Like i'm slowly suffocating. Lily's are pretty flowers. But are the dead ones too? Or can't you see that the flowers are turning into dust? Can't you see i'm struggling staying alive just like the flowers? Can't you see you never call me lillie anymore? Can't you see where i'm going?
I'm turning into dust.
You're the reason,
I'm doing this to myself.
So are you the reason,
I'm saving myself.

"Heaven can wait a little longer."
I told myself as I swallowed another pill.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 5, Books
Books, Sounds a little like the first one, poetry. but they are different. Because poems show you two sides of the story a book shows you your own. Ever walked into a book store and wished you won the lottery so you could buy them all? Walking home from the libary with a bag full of books. The old smell of paper. Did you ever got taken into a book so far people had to scream before you realised you should stop reading? Do you still remember that first time a book made you cry? Ever found back stories you wrote when you were six years old? Remember that feeling.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Part 4, Trembling Lips.
Another weird title. These poems start to look more like little stories than like poems. In fact they are though, But that's not the point. Do you ever look at someone, a friend. You see their hands shaking, And you know they're not okay but you can't ask them? When your lips are trembling with no reason, When your eyes start leaking without knowing why. And you look at that person, And have a sight of relief. Why? we'll never know. What we know is that this is love, In a weird way. Love is something we can't describe easily. For so many ways different, but all the same. In a glance of eyes, shaking hands. A sight of relief and a head on my shoulder. Pages full of words shown to one another. Yet, we still don't understand, don't know. How, and when will we see?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 3. Bohemian Rhapsody.
Again, A weird title. It's partly true though. You can see it in two ways, Music and a wave of different feelings and emotions. Music can change lives they say, but could it also destroy them? Take Bohemian Rhapsody. In a way it sounds like how our mind works. So many different parts, emotions, feelings, memories, and yet changing so fast. It's beautiful, Just like humans. So brittle and so fragile. Music can indeed change a person, but what if it happens in a bad way? In Bohemian Rhapsody they use the words we could never use to describe how we feel, like " I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish i'd never been born at all. " In any song really, but Bohemian Rhapsody does just something to me. Your song will probably be something else, something that describes how you feel so perfectly that you can drown in their words. Like a poem. Again hard to explain, but I hope you understand.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 2. Paper Planes.
It sounds very weird; paper planes, but let me explain. Think about the times when you're walkin in a hallway on your way to a test, and you see a friend from a different class who already took it. You look at them and they immediately shout what you have to read, and you shout back the answer from the homework's last question. Or when you're in class, writing a disstrack about the teacher and annoying the **** out of them because the whole class just knew without telling we had to annoy the teacher. So you fold boats, make hats and trow clots of paper. When you have slack lay in class. When you trow paper planes and when everyone gets a F on the math test. When two of your friends want to sit next to you so you finally have a group of 12 people and don't do a **** during class. That feeling of luck, of happiness, of friendship and the feeling of stomach pain from laughing. Like you belong here. That feeling when you just have to smile. It's hard to explain but i hope you get it.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 1, poetry
Poetry. Pieces of someone's soul. That feeling  When you love a poem, any. When you realise it's worth it and when your head is full of poetry. When You can look at anything and feel happy, like a true poet. When you look at the ink on your fingers and wish you had forever to write poetry and read it just because you can. Live.

Mind is full of words
Nothing fits
When I write
The're gone
How can you do this to me
It's magical

******* addiction.
******* depression.
******* pills.
******* alcohol.
******* love.
******* suïcide.
******* Truth.
Why me?

Fire turns cold, Forests lose their magic, mirrors break. Poets lose their words, And I lose you. We create stories without knowledge of what's about to come. We lie when we speak the truth. Eyes shining, Heads turning, Pens writing. Books whispering, Flowers shining in moonlight. Ink covers my skin, Brushes in a lake. A wall of reasons to die, to live and to keep me away from you. When I want to write, My story is yours. We'll never get there. Secrets spilled over long forgotten days. Mind turns cold, eyes turn gold. Want to be the one to speak her name as mine. Fell into my own lies, Confusion is me. Why do i keep when i want to lose this. Nothing breaks like you. I'm stuck. You can see, what if we both don't want this reality. Why me?

"I'll go to bed early, I have a busy day tomorrow."
When I lie in bed,
After 9PM,
The world changes.
Night is the worst time of the day.
When you overthink what you're overthinking.
My thoughts go to you.
No, I don't sleep well.
I dream nightmares,
When it's day.
Always on my mind,'
Never on my lips.
When will I surrender?