I just want everything to stop.
Including my heart.

I suppose I've come to terms with the fact that you will never love me. Because how do you dwell on something that never dwells upon you.

Last night you told me you loved me.
That's all I've wanted to hear for the last year.
But something seemed to come over me, and I panicked.
I wanted to believe those lovely words but my heart wouldn't let me.
Because I'm enough for the moment, but I'll never be enough truly.
I never am.

I still love you.
But only in my dreams do you truly love me back.

You are the sun.

Full of warmth and anger. You light up the world but there is always a part of you hidden from it. You chase away the darkness but who chases away yours?

For every shooting star I see I wish you felt the same about me.

Our minds are a prison but the difference between yours and mine is I built my bars. Others built yours.

I never imagined a love so passionate.
We would kiss each other endlessly every night.
You were everything I wanted, never needed to fight.
I never imagined a love so overpowering.
We stayed awake for hours just looking into each others eyes.
You were my wings and with you I could fly.
I never imagined a love so gentle.
We cuddled for hours under the blanket of stars.
You kissed my wrists and all my scars.
I never imagined a love so comfortable
We could talk to each other or watch the telly.
You even made breakfast to fill my belly.
I never imagined a love to challenging.
We bickered about bills and fought about time.
You made me feel like my loving you was a crime.
I never imagined a love so toxic.
We once were a spark that turned into a flame.
You burned me alive and handed me the blame.
I never imagined a love so lost.
We could never settle in one place in life.
You and I were bonded but I was cut off by your knife.
I never imagined a love so dead.
We saw each other sometimes but refused to even smile.
You tried to come over and say “hey it’s been awhile.”
I never imagined a love like this.
We started out strong but ended in fists.

Last night I had a dream that I saw you, standing amongst a crowd of people whom I could not identify. You were leaning against a wall like all those cool kids used to do in the movies and you were talking intensely with someone else, you didn’t notice me.
I walked right up to you and wrapped my frail arms around you in an embrace. I didn’t have to say anything, I just marched right up to you mid sentence and hugged you, burying my face into the scent of your old leather jacket. You wrapped your arms around me and the people around us disappeared and we just stood there, no words needed because all I needed was your warmth. The warmth I haven’t felt in months.
When we let go, I asked you if we could go down to the pond, sit in our old spot and make fun of the people passing by. But before you could respond I woke up.
They say that when you dream of someone they are either your biggest fear or your greatest desire. And I know it’s strange but I’m still trying to figure out which one you are. And as much as I miss you we were always meant to fall apart because I loved you more than I could ever love myself and if that’s not destruction I don’t know what is but at the same time you were my breath, my heartbeat and let me tell you you’re not really living when those get taken away. I don’t know when I’ll stop missing you. But I know it won’t be soon.

My thoughts eat at me like termites to a tree.
Tearing me apart from the inside out until I'm nothing but rotting dreams and scattered leaves.

If you burn our bridge, I will not waste the time or energy to build another. Goodbyes are forever.

The only reason the devil's still alive is because you keep protecting him.
He may have been an angel once but then he fell.
But not for you.

She was just a girl whose eyes were constantly filled with the darkness that ate holes in her soul.

She would glance up at the sterling lights in the sky surrounded by their black blanket of night, hoping to find the hidden secrets behind them. Secrets are always hidden by beautiful things...
She sighed softly and glanced down upon her feet that sway oh so slightly in the water below, she was alone.
She couldn't help but think to herself if there was someone out there that saw the world as she did, and if so, why do they hide like the secrets in the sky... the young girl brought her feet up out of the water and stood.
Why ponder on a thought of no existence, she said shutting the door to her house and her heart.

It’s 2:30am, I’m taking a bath, sinking into the water and I get a sudden wave of depression not even 5 minutes into it. I don’t fit, there are pieces of me sticking out, I can hardly bare to look at the everything that is me. 2:50am I decide to drain the tub and take a shower. I never like hot showers but I take one and yes it burns but I enjoy it. Because the physical pain is easier to cope with than the mental. I want it hot, so when I get out the mirrors will be so fogged over I can’t see myself. I want it hot, so I can focus of something else other than my self image. Tonight I share my thoughts because I am in a low and dark place. I’m sharing my thoughts because I know there is someone who understands, there has to be. I’m sharing my thoughts because I’m alone, when everybody said I never would be.

I had a dream and in it you were facing death, but in the end I was the one who died.

My eyes are filled.
My glass is empty.
My heart is shot.
My phones not buzzing.
My mind is racing.
My stomach is turning.
My shower is blistering.
My body feels nothing.

I want people to know I'm suicidal.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want people to tell me it gets better or to get over it.
I just want people to know because maybe taking that weight off my chest will finally allow me to breathe a little. Maybe people will be kinder.
I want people to know I'm suicidal because I want to be honest.
I want people to know that when I wake up tomorrow, I barely survived yesterday.
I want everyone to know that I want to **** myself because when I finally do, I don't want people to think that I was happy, that I had a good life.
I want people to see the deep ugly **** I push down each day, the thoughts that literally eat me alive and push me to the edge.
I want people to know that when I'm in the bathtub I hold myself under until  all my air runs out.
I want people to know when I'm opening cardboard boxes at work with the box cutter I think about sliding it down my wrists.
I want people to know when I get in my car and the road goes two ways or into the lake I want to choose the lake.
I want people to know when I go to sleep at night I resist the urge to down all the pills in my house.
I want people to know that I want to break my mirrors and slit my throat with the shards.
I want people to know I'm suicidal.
And it's ******* killing me.

Nobody can hate me more than I hate myself so say what you have to say. Just understand this, if you tell a fat girl she's fat and she already knows, why tell her again and make her feel worse? If you tell a suicidal girl to **** herself, she just might. Words trigger actions, and words are beautiful. So don't use them to hurt people.

I was never the popular girl, the girl with the best hair or best eyes. I was never the girl that boys looked at and thought "wow". I was never the girl in the first or last row of the class. I was never the girl to speak up when she was being picked on.  I was never the girl with a ton of friends, who went to parties and got high. No, never. I was the girl who found herself on the outside of the crowds, but let me tell you this, it was beautiful outside not a cloud in sight. My hair was the color of the ocean, the color of a lilac field and freshly cut grass. My eyes were a storm that never ended, the boys never thought "wow", but you know what? Sense when do boys allow a girl to feel beautiful? In class i was always in the middle row because that's where i felt I was in life, stuck in the middle, in the grey. Even though I never spoke up when I was the victim I never once hesitated when it came to someone else in destress. No, I didn't have a ton of friends. But that's okay because with the few I did have, we've made some pretty great memories. Partying? Never been my thing. I was the girl who found herself in lyrics of a song, the girl who read books because loving the boys in them was easier than loving the ones in real life. I was the girl who wrote her every thought down on a piece of paper only to tear it up so no one would know them. And even though I'm not the same girl I used to be...a part of her still lives within me. You never truly outgrow the person you were but you will grow.

I admired her paleness.
It was like the bitter stillness of the winters landscape.
Or the soft, fragile feathers encased in my bedside pillow.
No color amongst those perfect pore-less cheeks.
Her lips a crimson red; a rustic brown, stained her teeth as she smiled.
I never thought I’d bestow my eyes upon such beauty, a goddess among the earth.
A wolf among mere sheep.
I wanted nothing more than to lift my hand and graze that face but I mustn't.  
Because she shined so bright against the rest and I refused to dull that shine.
My muddied hand was not worthy of such perfection.
I wanted no other to lay eyes on her skin, hair, body.
I would sooner gouge out my own eyes than loose sight of what I am seeing before me.
She will be my last vision, oh but what a vision she was.

I’m having a hard time coping with the fact that you’re no longer in my life. ******* for making me feel this way when I shouldn’t feel a ******* thing! Someone said your name the other day and I pretended to be okay with that fact that the sound of it still broke my heart. Every memory that I had suppressed found its way back to the front of my brain trying to remain there in fear they’d one day be forgotten. I wouldn’t care if I forgot though, because maybe then I could move on with my life and think about things that are important now instead of back then. Because you left. No note, no text, no call, not even a sorry, goodbye.
I wonder every now and then if you’re happy with your life because I question if I’m happy with mine. Things aren’t the same anymore and I guess that’s okay because if they were I might get bored of the constant but I wish you would have been a constant in my life. I think my mistake was never having the fear of losing you because when I did I wasn’t ready for the blow I took when I fell and you weren’t there to catch me. I realize I’m not much of anything, not even worth a few words or minutes of your time. But I just don’t understand how someone can go from caring about you, really caring about you to not even recognizing you when you walk by.
My days felt like years and every year I grow older but I haven’t seemed to die yet, at least not on the outside. It’s cold most days and that’s completely okay because the warmth reminds me of you and those nights we’d count our stars and count the hours before the sky became lighter and swallowed the moon. I rather liked the warmth then, like the time it was raining and we walked to a bench but the breeze cut through my clothing so you hugged me tight and wrapped me in a blanket I stored in my trunk. I can’t even walk down my own hometown streets because we used to walk on those sidewalks and that marked the best day of my life because it was the first day we really spent together and the first time I actually felt something other than this terrible sadness.
I think about the moments when my best friend and I were dancing like ballerinas in the kitchen and the moments where we stayed up all night playing that stupid Dance, Dance, Revelation and you’d sit on that couch watching us just laughing. I miss that sound you know. The sound that always brought me back from the hole I’d always manage to sink into. I ponder the times when we’d go on those late night drives just to get away from everything and be alone with the stars, and on the nights the stars refused to show we’d go get doughnuts and talk over your coffee and my hot chocolate. We’d talk about life, whether I was happy or not, what I could do to help you out, all of our problems we faced together. I remember leaving that shop one night at 3am with you, and you smashed that doughnut into my face and I chased you for what felt like an hour. Or the time you bought a cake for me because I was turning 19 but when I was unlocking my car you yelled for me and I turned around in a panic only to have my face land right into the middle of it.
I was so angry at you, but you said it was cute. I must have yelled at you for hours because my hair was all matted and my clothes stained with that sickly sweet frosting but you said I looked so beautiful and that it was a good look for me. We did so much together and I remember every ******* detail. Everything. I never thought moments like that would keep me up at night, bring tears into my eyes that were already made of too much sea.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though it’s been over a year now and I’m happy with someone else, I still miss you. Because whether you were my first love, or second I still loved you.
And there’s no getting over that.

And I feel like a shadow following submissively a long.
Unnoticed.
I make no sound, only repeating the motions I have been equipped to follow.
My manual, just empty pages because I'm not even my own person or am I?
I have no story to tell, just watching, waiting for you to write so I can follow suit.
And I follow you, everywhere you go, but every time it gets a little dark in this room I disappear.
Because you no longer need me, you no longer want me.
You just want sleep.
So I leave you to dream those dreams and I simply blend into the background.
You never notice when I'm gone and hardly at all when I'm there.
It hurts my feeling, or are these feelings yours?
The only difference is you shine bright and I don't shine at all.
You lead I follow.
And even if I wanted to lead I’d always end up falling behind again because I'm just a shadow, and shadows don't get to lead.
Am I your shadow?

Because I don't want to be...

I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.
I wonder when the shadows will take a hold and pay the toll.
I hear screaming in my head with the silence of the night.
I see the future in my way without a guiding light.
I want to hide from the reflecting emotional troll.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

I pretend to be the hero but I’m really in distress.
I feel like fitting in with every girl but I’d like myself even less.
I touch the darkness where it meets the light, when the sun becomes the moon.
I worry about the vicious fight, the princess verses the goon.
I cry when my heart becomes a weak unreachable hole.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

I understand the melody that’s rising with these flames.
I say I love who I am but I’m tired of the games.
I dream about a man but I can never see his face.
I try to find the puzzle piece, one that fits in place.
I hope to be the diamond, not the unfavorable coal.
I am a tainted heart with a replenished soul.

No matter how hard you’ve tried, their spells have been cast.
Now you fear only of the future, present, and past.
The glass has shattered, the sidewalks have cracked, the room painted white for insane.
The lights are dimming and the promises burning, in a picture perfect frame.
Whispers of the wind telling you their secrets of the night.
The reflection you see in the water, becomes a monstrous sight.
They make you crazy, sanity has left, your mind you begin to loose.
Eternity lasts forever, but a life like this, your fate is yours to choose.
Forming a masterpiece of who you were and who you have become.
These voices inside your head, try to figure out where they come from.
A corpse wearing the scent of death, it’s just a twisted lie.
And that flower that almost bloomed, slowly fades and dies.
A limitation to perfection can only be pushed within the lines.
Roses are sweet, but your caught within the thorns and vines.
Struggling for freedom but held back by your own creation.
Your beauty only outside, and that of fake presentation.
Sticks and stones have broken my bones, try to run and hide.
Nothing can help you now, you are forever lost in your mind.
Reaching out to grab for something that is not even true.
They keep on telling you what you can and can not do.
The taste of copper filling your mouth, crimson running down your face.
From your eyes and from your pores, the illusions you can not erase.
The screams you cry get louder and louder, but you can not hear your voice.
The things you see, and the things you hear and not at all by choice.
Waking up in the padded cell, the straight jacket keeping you restrained.
All the voices in your head, along with all the images remain.
You’re one of them, they’re all around, fighting to be sane.
But now that you have joined that path, you are no longer humane.

Roses of pure enchantment rest in the hands of the bride.
The red of the petals matching the crimson lips,
where tongues and lies collide.
Where there is an eclipse of hearts and darkness has fallen,
each thorn will pierce true.
Hands so pale, hair so black;
a sickening beauty she tries to prove.
The trees surround her mystic display,
the air choking like a noose.
When the sunlight returns the shadows will creep,
my beauty there shall be no truce.
Her eyes the color of jade,
such as a black cat on Halloween.
The soul that lay behind them,
so lovely yet tainted, unclean.
Her body that of an hourglass,
but what happens when time runs out?
Each grain of sand, each faded memory;
will fall to the bottom no doubt.
Yet here you stand just inches away,
from the women that will cause your death.
No matter the place, when the bond is sealed,
my friend you’ll have nothing left.
Say your vows and exchange the kiss,
barely able to breathe.
She slips the poison into your glass,
you still think it’s meant to be.

Carve the name of the one whose kiss has tainted you into your skin to relive the pain of the memory.
A reminder of how pathetic you were to think anything more could become of the two.
So you bleed and cry, grow exhausted and hungry, with each passing day wanting nothing more but the simple closure that you lost the second you let him in.

The roses that he gave me are now wilted and dead.
Like the memories of how we used to be together.
The words that he spoke of, I love you is what he said.
He promised me he would be here till the end, forever.

Farewell my angel, a kiss goodbye, went on his way.
He lay in bed that night and thought of what he would do.
That was the last time she saw him, it still hurts this day.
Walls tainted with blood, the reason not even a clue.

Dressed in black, a pale white face; tears streaming like a river.
This is my fault, repeating in her head, the words true.
She speaks her words and looks her last, she tries not to quiver.
The images in her head swirling around like new.

I lost a friend that night, I miss him too much to say.
I love him, he stole my heart, one day I’ll be okay.


Dedicated to Drew

It took me awhile to realize it isn't normal.
It isn't normal to be okay with getting hit by a car while crossing the street.
It isn't normal to be okay with not eating for days just because you didn't have time.
It isn't normal to wake up upset because you glanced at your body in the mirror.
It isn't normal for your dad to beat your mom because she didn't make the eggs right.
It isn't normal to bottle up your feelings because the bottle will become full.
It isn't normal take a blade to your wrists willingly so you feel a different pain.
It isn't normal to only get five hours of sleep at night because you can't shut your thoughts out.
It isn't normal to throw up your food in that public bathroom because you think your fat.
It isn't normal to sleep all day unless you're sick and throwing up from a flu.
It isn't normal to drink every night just so you can be sane for awhile in the meantime.
It isn't normal to let boys you don't like touch you so you can feel accepted.
It isn't normal to let that girl you're dating hit you because you said no.
It isn't normal to hate someone prettier than you because she didn't do anything wrong.
It isn't normal to want to die every time your heart breaks.
But it is normal.
It's normal to those people who live it everyday of their lives.
It's normal to those people who wish they could catch a break long enough to catch their breath.
It's normal to those people who regret everything in life to live for a moment where they might get to be proud.
Because our scars aren't only physical, their mental.
It isn't normal for everyone to understand.
But for those that do.
I hear you.