...
Saw you on the balcony
Saw you on the asphalt
Going to your car? So,
"Hello" is what I get,
and all of it.

Saw you at the office, I
Saw you at the pharmacy
First day, your new job. So,
I won't take your time away
Thank you for the pills

Fight and fight the feeling
but there's no fight to fight.
My routine is writ in river rock,
you're looking beautiful, free,
even if your phone is in your head,
and you've routine like me.

Romance and its fickle game
stitched me up young
After years, there's no way
to escape getting better
It's better now and I'm devout
to no one but myself, but
it's been forever since
I've seen as sweet a face
when each morning delivers
bitter afternoons before
the night brings reminders
your entire day is hate.

Amber, Oceanic Blue, and Violet
In the sky, particles align

You trace the stars for me
You make me feel what I seek
Is more than drawn in dream
...

I said I would leave

My hand
Never
Left the door

Or left
Your

Tender little heart

In what time it takes to grow I thought I would grow more
In the time it takes to take a break I thought I could explore ignorance and never return to melancholia.

I know I said I would leave but I return
Didn't I warn you before that I need you?
I am desperate to warm you and freeze your brittle bones.

I thought departure would heal the wounds I deeply knew only square paper under the tongue fixed though I know if I never left I would never have felt the heartbeat of my apartment.

I thought I could leave but I have to write.
I could have sworn I did not need you when the beginning and the end of my existence run completely through you, sometimes you only, those who see Samsara, know their place, still cling, and me, I cling to you.

Lights talk with flashing
Lights sing with a low hum
I walk the pavement alone
with poor company, me
and only ever me

No voice, no fire,
no song
to sing
in signal

I can make smoke signals, though.
Watch how many cigarettes I can smoke.

It's how I
how I find
my friends

It's how I
do my best
to pretend

Day by day, harder
for me to take it.
There's little or no
chance I'll make it.
To the natural end
of this brittle life
Stay my hand or I'll
find a way to break
what's left of me.
Left idle my hands
wring pain through
my brain, dry as
bone and barely
working.

I heard your heartbeat
Down below, deep in your thigh
I chose your leg hair
Over the pillow's cool side

I dream about the sunlit days while I'm at the window
The sun, like us, once looked bright, once looked inspired
You, you're looking cold, looking old
You're close in the race, but still behind me

Digital.
Words meant to hear
now float in aether.
The taut bowstring
of progress murders
growth. Did I speak right?
I'm interfaced. No words
were misspoken.

Digital.
Analog dreams
sink below radio
active energies.
A face for a name,
a name to a face.
Several worlds await
my input.

Digital.
I wear more faces
that I own by proxy
than I show my own.
If the skin doesn't fit,
I have other names
and more skin.
I'm interfaced.

Absolute nightmare
Turn into sweet dreams
Took a turn for the worst too
Many times
(In a row)

Absolute nightmare
Plant parting lips please
Let me go,
Let me go, now

Seen the saccharine
Seen the maudlin
What is it like
to want the balance
in between?
Let me tell you:

It is obscene

What is
the difference
between us?
I'd say
it's a full sea
at least

Whether of stars, whether of water, whether of concrete
I know I won't reach you

You won't be reached
You won't be reached

You won't be reached
You're gone

Absolute nightmare
Plant you parting kiss
and let me go.
and let me go.

****
Green smoke
I swear that there's green in the air

The color of my lenses
as such of my life

Once broken,
always broken

Who's not broken here?

I fall down where I sleep
come unbound by night
or day
I fall down exhausted
but rest will not come
within reach

I fall down

i'm not your *** toy i'm not your joke

woman or man? boy or girl?

you can keep wondering because

i'm a fey **** wandering between worlds

let me make it too clear

for you to ignore

i'm not your estrogen or testosterone

you can write me as your punchline,

simple one, all you want

but you won't laugh away my hope

i'm not your material i am my own

the binarist dichotomy

kills us all

this pass/no pass *******

drives me up a wall

we are not experiments

for your experience

at our expense

let me make it too clear

i'm not your joke

She pulled me in with my brother
In a scene from sweet sixteens
Or I went willing, at the first
Sight of a sneaky sideways wink
Bad romance, it became us
Bitter confusion filled us three
My brother, he pleaded on his knees
Will you do nothing with my woman?
I fell under luck's frail favor
When my brother's she became a he
This he pulled me,
Or I went willing?
We became one on his couch
L-shaped leather wet with purpose
Aristophanes spoke of this
Yet now we drift

Drift, sweetly
Pull apart
Pretend we forget each other's names

The comets came down raining on a subtle day
Stony rocks, amber locks, stony eyes, and Jokes
Portland never stood as a golden neighborhood
Now it's over where I don't have any business
Back in time, when you got me to the center for
Your clandestine affair, meteorites tore through
The troposphere, made your basement glow,
When the world is never us, you want a poultice
Look underneath, you'll still find me there and

Still X and hot rock
Still X and at loss
Mess no more,
Talarah, she's dead

Still X and want you
better, Sid, want you
better, Sid, want you
better, mess no more

Cindy's dead
Binary test
Found the X
I wish I could
Say anything
helpful to you
Say anything
to help you be
golden, if we were
ever, then be golden
again

I clap for you.
Super fan.

I am thankful for the opportunity to feel.

To be here, as opposed to absence.

I am a statistical near impossibility.

Death missed me, as stars led me from nothingness

through time to landings where feet touched, and

breath breathed, and blood pumped.

I am fortunate for the blessing of clarity and thankful

of those moored in the void around me.

Is love? Is love, s/he said, (…) is love.

Seldom has the shadow
Crawled over the daylight
At night, I turn it on
My high queen, the wattage
Shines her frozen orange
Upon my heated frame

You look on the darkness
See nothing but the void
Hear nothing but the cold
The old frozen silence
I hear distant echoes
Voices from within flame

Spirits call me
From dark places
Suddenly the light
Won't drive them away

Ghosts love my fragility
I'm living obscenity
Always high on kerosene
Running empty but for fumes

Of outcomes
Can't manipulate fate
Already holding roses
Can't manipulate light
I used her for her purpose
Such thing as too much?
Must be so
As my fingers turn to ice

I'm dead dreams
Ghosts love my fragility

I'm living obscenity
Always high on kerosene

Running empty but for fumes
Running for my life

She touched me where I wanted
Our whiskey breaths
Mixed turned
Innocent lips
To ember, orange
To grey, to ashes

Though, turns the touch most wanted
Won't

It just won't

I'm on my pills
Back on my meds
I'm privileged