I thought you were my friend
we shared herb and spirits
with an addict in recovery
I've never really left this town like you
I broke my new tablet
while watching ducks from rocks
This ***** river bank
This ***** city may
Be the only ocean for me

Taking medication may be fastening together the seams that could split. Between SSRI, HRT, and caffeine the moments speed, fleeting before I secure my grip. What's the point of living as a zombie losing opportunity through barely there fingers? I can be **** for you, I'm fond of pleading on my knees, tongue over my teeth, waiting patiently for my mouthful -- but what's point? What would it solve to introduce a controlled study meltdown? Well, I see the seasons coming at first light. Spring and Fall pull balance apart. So pull apart, because these meds don't help when my mind conspires without me, but with the world. Leave me alone. I'm caught gazing at the canvas in the white on walls. If it appears I'm choking, I am. I choke myself to gasping near to death as a means to depart from my leaden regret. Do I grow wings? No. Do I ascend? No. Do I myself then deify? No. It takes endlessly repeated little deaths to prevent permanent disintegration in passion's cruel flame.

In the orange cream dying sun's half light
swaddled by blankets wrapped in ***** clothes
I open my lips wanting your taste
eye to eye, mons *****, warm fragrance
To offer myself and soul over completely
When we were young did you ever think
we'd drown in the ocean of flesh between legs?
She smiled brightly, made noises
overjoyed much more than confused,
though that's not the story now, is it?
In an instant passion rises up with steam
gone again before I wipe the mirror and
brush my teeth, and once again I see
blackened debris, they're rotting out
from misspoke verbs
All that's sweet now is the imagining
of diabetic what once was
Two closed eyes reach back with a breathy sigh
withheld truths and well meant half lies,
cannot inspire lift again that left me,
but that doesn't stop the faithful
Has the tide this whole time been sending
waves of false hope, on which I'm floating?
Daydreaming, heating oil, she wants dinner,
and I hunger for satisfaction in new pictures
A hand for a finger, a tongue from both mouths
comforting by grabbing hungrily
until heads get thrown back, abs tighten
when pressed to relax, on the rack
stretched but both floating
Why does she want to drink my blood?
I don't ask just imbibe in return
Those days are long gone
Times when the worst thoughts could not undo
whatever flicker remains in the waning brazier's ember

Too worn in heart
for how dare you
To in response anger
at anger aimed
towards you
How can we express ourselves,
when you steal our emotion?
Tired and missing
my connection
Too tired to love myself
and though I speak
it plainly
the lake of muck within you
was once crystalline ocean

One. Two.

Is this thing turned on?

One. Two.
resonance

I can't see even a few feet in front of me.

God?
resonance

Anyone?
resonance

There's nothing said back from the void.
Disapproval. Deification.

What difference does it make,
Whether withheld or spoken?

Shadows show well on the walls
Before Netflix in my home at night,

The futon
resonance

Eyes overflowing with lust

Too surprised to find
aglow,
pictures of you fallen
long faded and broke
I believe the fractured memories
hide better tastes underneath
abuse, and neglect
Forget
for one moment,
the two lives split open,
the two eating entrails,
stitched eyes, pretending
they were not human beings
Now my tongue pretends that
the juices have turned bitter,
when I long for love
I'd drink you all day,
suppressing hate that
imperfect ink fade
has left a burning stain.

Tastes like there's something in the water
No word from the wise yet, of recompense
Who put this zombie in me?
I trudge, judge, shamble, stumble
Who put this zombie in me?
I speak in numbers
I see in perfect white blank
Space that makes me thirsty

I find
Myself once again
Captured
Caught with a friendly misconception
Wildlife
Creatures of a type cannot be
Let close
Trusted to let go
Even
Given the grace to open
Inward
Fold

My perspective is skewed
They say home follows the heart
What of the city? It has my blood
Asphalt black bedsheets call
To me, sweetly whispering
"You're beautiful, number without a name."
God, do you know my name?

Define normal
Within deviations
Sound limited, what could I say
To truly reach you?
Defended, I pray only
To breach through

Within a sea of many troubles

My heart goes

Unwilling as the body, too

Last made my bed in sheets of fire

Eager, so faithful of the blue

Thanks for giving your last breath, however
Til the end the list of taken things
Saw overgrowth and now at the grave
Eyes cast down
I can't decide
Whether to forgive you

Isn't it just the same as every story?
None to blame, shame myself
None to save, overwhelmed

The doctor asks me why I'm here
That's a little open ended, isn't it?
I wish I were as quick, but I think
Too long and explain my case in full
Without any embellishment, I came
Because my back hurts like a mother
Pushing, can't move my leg and now
Painfully both enter and exit bed He
Nods as if he knows, he wants to know
The extensive list of all my meds, three
One, that gets me to the cold side of balance
One, that redistributes fat, hips and *******
One, that bottlenecks testosterone tighter
Than either full ***. Gender reassignment?
He asks so I say yep. Duck Dynasty is on the
TV, in the corner above the room. The papers
Want to know if I'm claustrophobic, I check no.
That is before my first MRI. Before I'm loaded
Feet first. Now I know myself better, too.
The room is hot as he shares the results, bald
Headed sweat drips down a muscular man
Shy of forty, you've ruptured your disks. Three.
One on top of one on top of another. I guess
That in the end I just got too fat, that any extra
Burden collapsed my spine. I swear I do my best,
Avoid any extra psychological stress, but right
Now everyone is dying

All caution
Is gone
Pumped in blood through your heart
Drained from cuts and bruises
To the skin
Patchwork bandages
Divert hurt away from the surface
Back in, too deep, try one more time
Countless times to bleed but it won't leave
Breathe
Let the toxin escape instead on the exhale
Look over your shoulder
Breathe
While I can breathe out briefly what of all the years?
Look over your shoulder
Divert or divulge,
No change ever comes to speak

The err isn't that I
Bear while they imbibe
Maybe entitled defines
Me and this sovereignty
The err isn't that I
Most often decline
The offer
The wine
It's such a shame that I
Only sleep open eyed
Erroneously minimize you
Passively underrate