Minnehaha Park is hot in the summer
Even by the water
Who knew it would be so hot
Even down by the water?
But all of it is hot

And there are acorns everywhere
Scattered on the ground
Below our butts as we try to sit
And have a little picnic
On a brightly checkered blanket
Between two tall trees
That tower above us
And grant us shade
While pelting acorns down
Into our cheese and crackers

And fancy rosé wine
Whatever that means
I thought wine was wine
But I guess they have personalities
Like people
Like couples
Some things pair well together
Like my crisp pineapple and cheap ******' pizza
Or your stinky blue cheese and weird cookie-like *******
Like us

And the cheese sits on a green marble slab
Elegant as ****
Because that's just who you are
But that marble slab sits on top of a pizza box
Simple as ****
Because that's just who I am
And we pair well
On this hot *** summer day
While we drink rosé
And "I love you" is all we say
Because sometimes we don't have to say anything
We're okay without words
In the middle of a park
On a hot *** summer day

I took too many busporine,
But I'm still anxious.
I'm still ******* freaked.  
I'm still nervously shaking.
I'm still sputtering about.
I'm still worried why you haven't opened my message.

I know this whole thing is new.
I know you're probably sleeping.
I know you have a life outside of me.
I know you sometimes need a break from me.
But my anxiety doesn't.

My anxiety doesn't get that you're busy.
Anxiety doesn't get that you're sleeping.
Anxiety doesn't get that maybe you just want some space.
Anxiety doesn't get that I didn't do anything wrong,
And that your feelings for me haven't changed.

Anxiety is scared.
Anxiety is panicking.
Anxiety is popping one too many pills.
Anxiety is crying and trying not to cut again.
Anxiety is worrying that you've found someone else.
Anxiety is worried that you're out with them now and just ignoring me until you're ***** later tonight.

Jesus Christ, Anxiety.
Give me a break,
Quit giving me a battle.
Jesus ******* Christ, Anxiety.
Take a deep breath,
Try to stay rational.
Jesus ******* Christ, Anxiety.
I'm trying to salvage a relationship here,
And ruin the one I have with you.

I feel our hearts pulse
In a rhythmic sort of way
Matching our hips
As we ****** and sway
Hands laced together
Bodies closer than ever

You tell me I'm beautiful
While you're inside me
You tell me you're lucky
Luckiest guy in the world
As we're making love
And all my insides engorge
At the thought of someone
Thinking I'm beautiful
While they're penetrating my body
Rather, my heart

I kiss your neck
Your cheek
Your ears
Every square inch of skin
My lips can find
Because I've lost the words
Those words that say
Thank you
So I keep grinding
And swaying
And kissing
And moaning
And biting
Hoping you understand
How much I love you

Take me back to the night we met
When the day was hot
And the air was humid
The sky was crisp
And the clouds were nonexistent
Our skin spotted with sweat

My life was sprawled out in front of us both
My emotions were high
But you didn't care
You listened to it all
Stories
Memories
About my family
About my friends
About my random little trinkets
Things that meant nothing to you
And everything to me
You listened to it all

Take me back to that night
When we cleaned sticky **** off the wall
With Magic Erasers and Goo Gone
When we did nine loads of laundry
And you saw all the underwear I own
But you still didn't care

The air was silent
But we filled it with our voices
With laughter
With nervous excitement
Coming from the first date
Take me back to that night
When I first fell in love

I'd love to eat
I don't know why
I struggle
To put food
In my belly
I don't know why
I cringe
Just writing the word:
Belly
That's a fat word
And I want
to be skinny
I shouldn't have
a belly
Full of stretch marks
that hangs
just a little bit
I shouldn't
Have to lift
it up
or lean forward
in order to see
My feet
Whoever gave me
this belly
made a mistake
a huge mistake
because I never
never ever asked
for one

I never
never ever asked
to be fat

It's weird to have friends who are *****
You know they're not good people
But they're your friends
Your best friends
And they're not really cunty towards you
They're actually really nice
And they make you laugh
But there's this thing in the back of your mind
That wonders
Constantly, almost
If they're talking about you
If they're being cunty towards you
Behind your back
Because even though they are your friends
They're nothing more than *****
Who only really know how to be *****
Not friends

We sit next to each other
In the mezzanine
Of the crowded theater
Our matching purple outfits
Far too dressy for the occasion
But who cares
We look **** good

You put your hand out
Palm up
And look at me
As I smile
My coy, giddy smile
And place my hand on top
Interlacing my fingers with yours

The lights dim
And the show starts
But you never let go of my hand
Even when it gets weird and clammy
You never pull away
Even when I snort into your shoulder
And wipe away my laughing tears
You still hold onto me
You gently stroke my arm
Your warm thumb
Against my smooth bicep
And I can't help but smile

I look over
And catch you staring
Which makes me blush
And get coy again
The mezzanine
The balcony
The floor
It all disappears
When I feel your touch
Your light touch
Just glide over my skin
I float to another dimension
When you lean over
And kiss my cheek
Only coming back
To the mezzanine
When I open my eyes

I want you to
Touch my body
Grab my thighs
With enough force
To take my breath away

Just barely feel
The leather paddle
On my skin
Before you bruise my body
Sending me into submission

Whisper ***** words
Across my chest
Each time you go
From ****** to ******

Shock me with electric stimulation
Feel the sparks fly
Between us
Between my legs

Vibrate my ****
While you find the good spot
The great spot
The most glorious spot there is
And watch me writhe and moan
While you do it

Bite my neck
My *******
My waist
Letting me know that I'm yours
When you leave a mark

Take over my body
And tie me up
Cover my eyes
Lick my body
Until you feel
A river release from me
Until you hear
An elongated opera from me
Until you see
A woman whipped for you

It's difficult to be pretty in this world
Because when you're pretty
You get *****
Because men don't know how to control themselves
Because when you're a man
You don't have to
Men are commended
For impregnating women
And being masculine rapists
Women are shamed
For getting pregnant
And being *****
Women were asking for it
Women should have known better
Women are supposed to be prepared
Nobody tells men not to ****
We hope it's common sense
But then we don't reprimand them
Because boys will be boys
But why can't boys be nice boys
And keep their hands to themselves
Stop hurting young women
Who really don't want to be *****
I don't know why
Men keep ****** women
It isn't fun
Nobody is asking for it
The definition of ****
Is *** that isn't asked for
But guys do it anyway
Because women are too afraid
To speak up
To live in this world
Ruled by ****** men

I can see my breath
And for some reason
That frightens me
For some reason
I'm very frightened
By everything today
I'm frightened
By my own thoughts
By my own existence
Just by being alone
And I don't know
If that's normal
I don't know
If people understand
What that's like
To be afraid
Of the mind
You live in
To be afraid
Of the life
You were born in
But it's scary
And I don't like it
I don't like
Seeing my breath
I don't like
Seeing my veins
I don't like
Feeling my pulse
As I live my scared life
Because I'm truly frightened
By everything in my mind
And I don't know how to stop it
I don't know how to change it
I don't know what to do
And that scares me

I never knew his last name
But I still remember his face
I still remember
The way he grabbed my neck
And pushed me down
Because he loved me
He got off
And I got scared
Because he loved me
And I was desperate
In his ****** apartment
On the tan colored L-shaped couch
While Nickelodeon played in the background
Covering up the sound of my painful moans
"I'm tired"
I say
"I've never done this before"
I say
"I haven't shaved in a while"
"I don't feel ****"
"I just got off work"
But I'll do it if I love him,
He says
He'll even wear a ******,
He says

I can't muster up the courage to cry
Even though you're supposed to cry when it hurts
He doesn't look at me when he's done
Just tells me to go
He loves me
But doesn't want me around
In case his roommates come home
That would be kind of awkward
To catch someone in the middle of ****** a girl
A girl who's tired
Who's never done this before
Who hasn't shaved in a while
Who doesn't feel ****
Who just got off work
Yeah, that would be kind of awkward

You left me once
It was still kind of warm
At least for being the middle of October
My tears couldn't save me
No amount of begging
No matter how many times I said I loved you
Or I was sorry
You still left
Wouldn't even open the door for me
As I stood there
Fresh out of tears
With a box of birthday presents
For you

You were home
Just wouldn't open the door
I had no choice
But to leave
I didn't want to
But you made me
You made me leave that night
By shutting me out
I gave you everything
And you left me
You ******* left me

But now you want me back
You say you still love me
It's killing you
You don't even know what to say
Well I do
*******
Because you left me
That warm night in October
And even though
You left me
I never stopped loving you
I tried, but...
I couldn't
Even though you left me

"Don't you want to make it work?"
I asked
Tears in my eyes
Begging you to stay
Clutching your hand
In desperation
My heart quivering
Fearing the answer
You might give

Nothing ever hurt me
As much as you saying
No
You didn't
You were done

The cold swept in
And took me away
Far far
From you
Because next to you
I was getting
Frost bite

No longer smitten
Just ******
And frost bitten

Bun o'clock
I'm hungry but I don't say anything
Because I can hold on longer

Chew pm
Someone says I look thin
Have I lost weight??

Three pounds
Potentially three pounds
But I don't know because I always think I look bloated

Four ice cubes to tie me over
I don't need to eat
I'm okay

Five fat shaming *******
Stroll past me in their skinny jeans
Reminding me who deserves to be a size 0

Tricks o' the mind
Start to play
As I tell myself I don't need to eat because I did yesterday

Age seven is when
Mama first told me to stretch my shirts
Hide my figure
Watch what I eat
Stop taking second helpings
No dessert

Eight
Looks like a couple of donuts.
Muffins.  Pizzas.
Any round food.
My round stomach.

Nibble pm.
It's okay to eat a little?  Maybe?

Ten pm?
Or ten candy bars?

Eleven hours later
Nothing in my belly
But four ice cubes

Twelve: time to taunt my taste buds
Trick myself
Tell myself that I'll eat tomorrow
Tomorrow will be the day
The day I really splurge
Everyone knows that's a lie
But my tummy doesn't

I don't know
How to tell you
Just how much
I love you

How do you
Tell someone that
You think about them
Every ******* day
That you want
To be with them
Every ******* night
That you want
To come home to them
After every shift
And do their
Stinky laundry
Cook their meals
Wash their dishes

But it doesn't
Just stop there
You want them
To love you
The way
You love them
Because the love
That you're ******* feeling
Is so intense
It would be
A **** shame
For it
To not be returned
Love better be
Return to sender
Because I want
All the love
That I give
BACK
I want that ****
BACK
But from someone else
I want someone
To love me
The way I love them
That would be nice
For once

I rub my hands
Along my scalp
I watch the hair
Fall in the sink
Bleach blonde hair
With mousey brown roots
Locks upon locks
Falling to the sink
I tell myself I'm brave
I can do this
My hair will grow back
Yet I still cry
As I watch all the hair
That he touched
Fall to the sink
The hair that he stroked
The hair that he pulled
The hair that he brushed
out of my eyes
I watch him leave my head
Along with the last thing he touched
My hair

I love
Our love
In a way
I don't love
Anything

It makes my
Toes wiggle
When you
Spontaneously kiss me

It makes my
Ovaries flutter
When you
Hold my waist

It makes my
Cheeks blush
When you
Nibble my ear

It makes my
Eyelashes bat
When you
Say you love me

It makes my
Palms pulse
When you
Peck my fingers

It makes my
Body weak
When you
Say I'm yours

When you hold me
I forget to be insecure
About my size
About my numbers
About my body
I forget to worry
About my lumpy thighs
About my jiggly tummy
About my pudgy arms
You stroke each limb
And kiss every inch
As if none of it matters
As if you don't care
That I'm fat
You aren't afraid to touch
My cellulite
My bumps
My pudge
The things
Nobody else wanted
Nobody else would touch
Nobody else saw as desirable
You touch them
You hold them
You kiss them
You make love to them
You flat out love them
Because for some reason
You don't care

Do you ever think of me?
When we're hundreds of miles apart
When we're sleeping in two separate beds
When I'm crying into my pillow
When I tell you I miss you
When you're sitting in class
When water runs over your body in the shower
When you crush garlic for your dinner
Do you think of me?
Throughout your daily life
As the time ticks in your ear
And moments continue to pass
Do I cross your mind?
Am I something you want to think of?

I know how much I love you
But do I know how much you love me?
Is it but an illusion
That I create
Because I love being in love?

I'm not an obvious kind of pretty
I don't have natural blonde hair
Or bright blue eyes
No perky little *****
No gap between my thighs
I don't look like anyone else
I bleach my own hair
Use drug store eyeshadow
Wear dresses from the clearance rack
That show the red bumps after shaving my legs

I have lumps and bumps
Cellulite and pudge
Blackheads and bacne
A recipe for nothing special at all
Just someone average
Who has a bright twinkle
In her **** brown eyes
And curvy hips
That sway in the sun

You have to look close
To see all my beauty
I'm not a model
Or a ******* bunny
Just someone on the sidelines
Watching the models and bunnies
While they get the attention
And I get brushed by
It's not obvious that I'm beautiful
Until you look into my eyes
Until you see my semi-white smile
Then you notice the little moles
The silver scars
The way my body curves
In a voluptuous way
And you see
Just how perfect I am

The candle smells like pink hibiscus
And the flame bounces a bit
As the fan waves past
I play with his chest hair
Nuzzle into his side
"Will you leave me if I have cancer?"
I ask
"No"
He says
"I like to think I'm not that much of a cuck."
He says
He strokes my side
Kisses my forehead
The bright white light from the TV shines off my pasty back
"Guess what?"
He says
"I love you.
Even if you have cancer,
Even if you don't have cancer,
I love you."
My exposed chest shakes
As I forget how to breathe
He runs his fingers over my *******
My possibly cancerous *******
My soon to be nonexistent *******
My figure defining *******
That I love so much
That I'm petrified to even think about losing
He holds them
He holds me
A tear falls down my face
But he wipes it away before it can get anywhere
Before it can fall
On my possibly cancerous chest

I don't know
If I'm just
Too afraid
To let you go
Because you're
Someone familiar
Or if
I truly can't
Let you go
Because I'm still
So very in love
With everything you are
But either way
You're breaking my heart
By not loving me back
By not wanting me
By leaving me so cold
And I never thought
That being in love
Would hurt so much

It's dumb
How quickly
I get lost
In your eyes
Your **** brown eyes
Full of nuisance
And mayhem
That wrap me up
In a whole other world
And make me forget
About all other eyes

They're simple brown eyes
I don't know
What makes yours
So ******* special
Or why your eyes
Have such a hold
Over me
Because they're just eyes

We both know that's a lie
Those **** brown eyes
With warm, sensual flecks
With terror and mischief
Are unlike any other set
Of brown eyes
Which is insane
To even think about
Because most people
In the world
Have brown eyes
But yours are the only
Brown eyes
That have a hold over me
The only brown eyes
That make me
Fall in love
Every ******* day

You stand behind me
Holding my waist
As I swipe green glitter
Over my lids
You kiss my neck
When I
Blot my blush pink lips
You run your hands
Through my hair
As I try to brush
Knots and tangles out
I bat your hands away
While giggling a bit
You always try to bug me
But I don't mind at all
I like the attention
You don't want
To mess up my makeup
But you still kiss me
I can always reapply
I snort
Because blush pink
Isn't your color
And wipe it off your lips
With my thumbs
You look into my eyes
Tell me how pretty I am
And I can feel my cheeks
Turn red and warm
I swoon a little
Thank goodness
You're holding me tight
Because I just fell
In love
A little bit more

If three words
Could make a poem
I'd have one written already
I love you
Is all I need to say
How much more
Can I say
When I love you
Is the only thing
Running through my mind
I love you
Is all I want to say
Over and over
Again and again
And I want you
To comprehend it
To listen
Every time I say it
I love you

Visions of ****
And burglary
Dance around in my head
As darkness creeps over me
And I turn on all the lights
In my empty apartment
When you're not here
I toss and turn
Through the night
Popping sleeping pills
Just to catch a wink
Daydreams turn into
Night terrors
As the dog barks
At every little noise
Making me aware
Of all the scary things
Outside my window
Someone knocks at my door
But I'm not expecting company
Even with the deadbolt
I don't feel safe
In this big empty bed of mine
As I sleep alone

My legs shake
And quake
As I feel
Our hearts beat
In tandem
Chests pressed together
Hearts pounding
To the same rhythm
As the music plays
In the dimly lit room
With the hibiscus candle off to the side
Lavender incense in the corner
Your favorite scents
String lights above us
Nothing in between us
Except our beating hearts
Keeping in time
With Florence
While she sings
About dog days and wrecked ships
My gold nails running down
The sweat on your back
Pressing you against me
To keep our hearts
Together

I wish you knew
What it felt like
To be abandoned
Just so you'd know
How much it means
To me
That you stay
Because no amount of tears
Hugs
Kisses
Or thank yous
Could ever sum up
How grateful I am
To have someone
Who doesn't get scared
When I get scared
No matter how often
I tell you
I love you
It'll never be enough
I'll never be able
To show you
Exactly what
My heart is feeling
Because you
Came into my life
And put my heart
Back together
You saw the scars
The blood
The tear stains
The piles of ****
And you put it back together
I didn't even have to ask
I'm glad
Nobody has ever hurt you
The way they've hurt me
I just wish
You could somehow understand
How much I've been hurt
To see how much
Your love
Means to me

I don't know
How many nights
It would take
To count the stars
But I would spend
Every night
For the rest of my life
Counting stars
Until I found you

For every star
I counted
I would give a reason
Why I love you

There probably aren't
Enough stars in the sky
Because my love
Stretches across
The endless entity
And beyond

You'll find me
Under the black velvet sky
Every night
Faithful to a fault
Counting those stars
Until I find you

Jesus Christ
You seem pretty ****** nice
At least that's what people say
Praising your name
Saying you're the man
But I'm still not convinced
Jesus Christ
Even though
You seem pretty ****** nice
I just wish
I didn't get the short end
Of the stick
How come I'm getting
The short end
Of the stick?
If you're so nice
Why can't you cut a chick
A break?
I'd appreciate it
A whole ****** lot
Cause you see
I'm pretty tired
Of having to fight
Every single day
To stay alive
I know things are worth it
When you have to work hard
But why do I have to
Work so **** hard
When other people
Have a pretty blessed life?
How do you decide
Who gets it easy?
And why did I get ******?
Jesus Christ
You seemed nicer
Than this
Evil life
Was I wrong?

It's all cranberry juice and pills
Zoloft pills
Little tiny tic tac Zoloft pills.
Insurance pays for most of it,
But there are a couple crinkled dollars in my pocket that pick up the rest.
They're supposed to help.
I should be able to get out of bed,
And do daily ****.
But all I do is grab more Zoloft,
And take my daily ****.
The cranberry juice helps the **** not burn,
But the cream doesn't do anything for the hemorrhoids
That come from trying so hard to **** out the food I never eat.
It all just hurts nowadays,
So I have to take pills.
Pills on top of pills
And pills after those pills.
It all just hurts from laying in bed all day.
But I never get up.
Just to get more tiny tic tac pills,
And to take my daily ****.
Most days I forget,
But sometimes I take 6.
Twice the prescribed won't **** me.
I'll **** myself before any little pill does.

Prozac has the worst aftertaste
Especially when you take it
On an empty stomach
Which you're not supposed to do
But I do anyway
Because Prozac can make you fat
Depression can make you fat
Usually sick people get thin
But I'm the opposite
I get fat
Because I ******* eat my feelings
I don't know how to cope
So I take prozac
To help me out
To help me not sleep all **** day
To help me get up in the mornings
To help me do ****
But it has an awful aftertaste
Unlike anything else
And it stays at the top of your throat
This gross pill capsule taste
That I really ****** hate
But I have to take these pills anyway
Every ******* day
Despite the aftertaste
Because I want to live

You'd rather be alone
Than be with me
Sleep alone
Than sleep with me
Love yourself
Than be loved by me

I never thought I was all that bad
Sweet smile
Kind eyes
Even kinder heart
Wrapping you in warmth and love
Giving you space when you need it
But apparently
I'm your last choice
Being with me is the end of the road
And you chose a different path
One where I was nowhere to be found

You wanted to be alone
Wanted to be independent
Said I was too much, emotionally
But before,
You said you didn't mind having me around
Said you didn't mind my emotions
Told me you loved me
On a daily basis
So either something changed
Or you were lying
And I want to know
The truth

Why you would rather be alone
Than be with me

We're both sweating
As the fan blows over
Our naked bodies
The air conditioner is broken
And we can't beat the heat
So we create our own

Passion between the sheets
"I love you so much"
You whisper in my ear
I close my eyes
To prevent the tears
But bring you closer
As we ******
And try to breathe
While I gasp,
"I love you too"

I hold your stomach
Hugging you tight
Kissing your belly button
Looking up into your eyes
You sit down and hold me
So I can bury my head
Into your stubbly, curly chest

"It's okay,"
"You can cry if you want to,"
You tell me
As I breathe heavily
Unsure of why
I'm even crying in the first place
You kiss my cheeks
After wiping away my tears
With your beautiful brown thumbs
I can't help but cry more
With every peck from your lips

You pour me sparkling cider
And kiss the raspberry apple bubbles
Off my lips
I try to stop crying
As I tell you
I love you
As I tell you
How important you are to me
But I'm drunk in love
And the tears keep falling
So you keep kissing them away
As you tell me it's okay to cry

The human heart is worth about a million dollars
But you get mine for free
Not everyone can afford it
I'm not a good match for just anyone
But you get my heart for free
My whole heart
What a concept
Do you realize it?
How lucky you are
To get a million dollar heart
For free?
A heart that will always unconditionally love you
A heart that will always kiss your forehead to see if you have a fever
A heart that will always remember your tea order
A heart that will always do your laundry
A heart that will always wipe your beard clean
A heart that will always rub your back as you're falling asleep
A heart that will always laugh at your silly jokes
A heart that will always love you unconditionally
And you get it for free
You get it
Just because you show up to the party
You get it
Just because of who you are
A million dollar heart
For free

You like mangos
And plums
Anime
And documentaries
******' Monty Python
And classy cuisine

God knows when we fell in love
Somewhere between the face masks
And the endless laundry maybe?
The late night runs to Perkins
Or the early morning love making?
It's a beautiful blur of memories
That dance along my heart and mind
That I wouldn't trade for anything

You like olives
And cold brew
Sleeping in
And video games
Staying inside
And the smell of coconuts

It's never been taxing to love you
It's the easiest thing I can do
You make love fun
Between the out of town drives
Hole in the wall coffee dates
And movie marathon nights
It's all that heart warming Hallmark ****
That you get in a greeting card

You like donuts
And sandwiches
Memes
And making love
Cool breezes
And me

I'm a fool
For chasing after you
Day after day
You're a fool
For letting me go
Without you
We're both ****** fools
For loving each other
And not holding on tighter
But they always say
Only fools fall in love
I consider myself
One lucky fool
Because I got to love you
Even if only for a while
It was longer than most get to
You are
One lucky fool
Because you got my love
Whenever you wanted it
Even when you didn't
I'm just full of it
Two fools in love
Finding their way
Back to each other
Because love makes one strong path
And it's pretty easy to lead
Two fools in love

Sometimes
I just want to die

not really,
but really

I'm just wanting an escape.
Wanting to leave this place
Leave the people
Leave the stress

I don't want any of it
Don't need anybody
just one
that's it

But I couldn't take him with me
He deserves better

I don't have any friends.
Don't get along with my parents.

I feel alone.
So just let me do it.
Let me go.

My wrists are already scarred.
My cheeks are already tear-streaked.
My will is already almost gone.
So just let me go.

I write about
People I love

But I'm afraid
to write
about you

Just in case
you don't
love me back

Three months later
And I still find
Your curly black hair
In my brush
In MY brush
Because for some reason
Three months later
I can't be rid of you
When I think I'm done
When I think I'm over
Clear
Fresh
Finally finished
Thoughts of you
Plague my mind
Memories flood me
Dreams arouse me
And I am
Overcome
I am yours
Once more
In those thoughts
Those memories
Those dreams
We're back
To the way we were
Happy
Loving
Wrapped in each other
Until I open my eyes
Shake my head
And scream
Scream at you
At the way
You ended things
The dream ends
And I remember
I'm just cleaning
A ******* hair brush

You brought me out of
The darkness
Dusted my heart off
Gave it a little polish
Until you saw me shine
You took the cobwebs
And tossed them to the wind
With this new heart
Now up and running
You reminded me of
The feelings I thought I'd forgotten

I never said goodbye
I hope that's alright
I mean,
I know it's not,
I guess I'm asking for forgiveness
Because I never said goodbye
I was too preoccupied
To get up
For one last embrace
One last kiss
I couldn't really be bothered
Until it was too late
Until you were ten feet under
Ten years later

I never said goodbye
Only to the grass
And the metal plate on top of you
In the Garden of Serenity
Next to the fountain
And the trees
That humid June day
My dress a shade of orange
I know you would have liked
A shade of orange
I wore the day you were buried
A shade of orange
Similar to the flowers I put on top of you
A shade of orange
That never left my blurry eyes as the tears fell down over you

I'm afraid
To make you
My muse
Because if
You break my heart
I'll have
A book of poems
That I'll
Never want to read

When you write a poem
It makes **** more real

The emotions
Come to life
And you feel
Everything
All over again
Tears resurface
Anger bubbles over
All that ****
Comes back
Into existence
When all you wanted
Was for it
To go away
Forever

That's why
You wrote the poem
You wanted
All the ****
Gone
Banished
But writing it
Makes it real
All over again

Maybe that's
Why people
Don't write anymore
Maybe that's
Why people
Stop feeling things
Then they
Don't have
To feel them
Again

I've got the urge
To cut up a storm
Create hurricanes on my legs
Tornados up my arms
While tears rain down
And thunder claps
As I huff out hot air
The only thing
Keeping me warm
Is my shaking
My shivering
While I lock myself in a tundra
Hoping to die somehow
Soon

Picnics on the frozen beach
Getting buzzed on a bottle of warm rosé wine
Popping pimples before steamy showers
Falling asleep during the last episode of our show

I'm glad none of that meant anything to you
I'm glad you didn't want to try anymore
I'm glad none of it was worth salvaging
I'm glad I wasn't worth fighting for
I'm glad you'd rather be alone
Than smile and laugh with me

Road trips to bumfuck anywhere
Baking at all hours of the day
Sleeping in until past noon
*** until three am
Kisses every hour
Concerts in dive bars and sketchy auditoriums
Getting lost trying to find our way

I'm glad it was all just a waste
I'm glad you don't give two *****
I'm glad it was never worth it
I'm glad it was just ammo
Perfect for your gun
To shoot into my heart

People tend to think it's an act
When you want to **** yourself
And it kind of is
You have to put on an act every day
In order to get through basic ****
Showering,
Eating,
Social interactions,
It's all an act
But you still want to die
That part most definitely isn't an act
That's the most real part of you
The deadest part inside
Is what's keeping you alive

The attention seeking *****
Seeks attention
Because they wonder if anyone actually gives a ****
Or if everyone else is putting on an act, too
Because if all the world's a stage,
And we're all just acting,
Then why not **** off some characters
Shakespeare got rid of Romeo and Juliet
And they were still famous
They were still the stars
And if you can be the star
But still be dead
Then why keep on living
When you're already dead inside

I've written
Hundreds
Of ****** love poems
For ****** guys
Who didn't mean ****
And now
I have someone
Who feels
Lucky to love me
And I'm choking
On my words
Stumbling over stanzas
Pushing out puns
I don't know
How to react
To something so good

You learn
To beg for love
When you're starving
You try to find it
In the darkest ******* places
And now
That I'm not hungry
Now that I'm being fed love
Served on a silver spoon
I keep waiting
For the knife
To come back out
When I least expect it

I want to feel beautiful.
To feel confident
To feel loved
To feel beautiful.

Who stole my beautiful?
Where did it go?
It was just here...

But then someone pointed out how fat I am.
They noticed my acne
and my mom jeans.
They asked if I had ever had a boyfriend,
And laughed when I shook my head no.
They told me I was the reason there were waves in the pool
And told me my swimsuit was ugly.
They said my hair was greasy
And I kind of smelled.
They asked why I had to shop at Catherine's
And why not Aeropostale.

They stole my beautiful.
And they weren't even sorry.

They STOLE it.
Stealing is a crime,
But not when it comes to ****** 8 year olds
Who think it's okay to hurt others.
Not when it comes to shady friends who say they can bring these things up,
"Because we're friends."
Not when it comes to judgmental family memebers
Who don't know what it's like to wear size 16 jeans.
(Actually, 18...)
(I'm embarrassed.)

Nobody stops these people from stealing.
From stealing the beautiful from
A 10 year old who already knows the worst,
But she's choosing to be confident anyway.
A 13 year old who's unloved by others,
But she's still trying so ******* hard to love herself.
A 16 year old weighing 250 pounds,
But she's exercising through the depression.
A 17 year old bent over the toilet,
Trying to lose the weight you told her was ugly,
And trying to find the beautiful you should have told her about instead.

But they stole my beautiful.
The beautiful that got me through every day.
The beautiful that reminded me size doesn't matter.
The beautiful that belongs to me.
The beautiful you took.
Like there was some kind of limited supply or something.
Like mine deserved to be stolen.
Yeah, you took that kind of beautiful.

And you left an even greater treasure behind.

I want what we once had
But I want it
With someone else
Because you didn't
Appreciate
Love
Respect
My efforts

I just wish
I could find
A taker
Who wanted me
As much
As I wanted them

Because I'm tired of
Day dreaming
Reminiscing
Over what
We once had

I'm through
Thinking of nothing
But ******* you

I'm through
Giving you time
That you don't
******* deserve

I'm through
Kissing frogs
And ******* ****
To get what
We once had
When I'm
So worthy of it
Without you