if it weren’t for my sliding mirror closet doors, my room would look much darker with only one lamp turned out. that’s what i’m thinking about at 12:11am when i can’t sleep and have to work the morning shift. dozens of friends have come and gone through my room, marveling at the 80s design and dusty gold colored edging that doesn’t match the accompanying oak trim along the walls in my house. they stare and stare at their reflections, our reflections. take pictures, post them on social media. watch the comments rake in. is this what we’ve come to? i switched where my bed is in my room so that i don’t have to look into the mirror as i fall asleep; it felt too narcissistic and depressing. now i have my bookshelf in front of me and the little lamp that jumps off the mirror next to me. i have my fan blowing and my window open to the late autumn, early winter night air that i love. i take deep breaths out of sight from the sliding doors that keep clothes i hardly ever wear safe. i sleep without it’s stare focused on me. i sleep without you on me, around me. i close my eyes, see the stars there, and sleep.
George pleaded for his life begged to breathe, requested the continuity of his own existence before the lynch with a knee on the commemoration day of many lives that have burned in vain violent resistance on detention a fabrication out of desperation when all they had was the sick joy of seeing an innocence in pain fell silent and motionless once and for all, and he too, has burned in vain.
do not let that be a fact.
Eric waits, and now George too.
In the memory of George Floyd, Eric Garner, Ahmaud Arbery and many.
I lay awake at night Grasping for your hand The hand that isn't there The hand that will never Be there I toss and turn Thinking about What could have been If only You hadn't left I imagine your lips Tracing my neck, My body One last time The one last time That I didn't get Because you knew Before I did And you shut me out Starved me of Your love And it still Keeps me awake Late at night When you're fast asleep Miles away In your big lonely bed Because I never stopped Loving The empty space Where you were
I've got the urge To cut up a storm Create hurricanes on my legs Tornados up my arms While tears rain down And thunder claps As I huff out hot air The only thing Keeping me warm Is my shaking My shivering While I lock myself in a tundra Hoping to die somehow Soon
I can see my breath And for some reason That frightens me For some reason I'm very frightened By everything today I'm frightened By my own thoughts By my own existence Just by being alone And I don't know If that's normal I don't know If people understand What that's like To be afraid Of the mind You live in To be afraid Of the life You were born in But it's scary And I don't like it I don't like Seeing my breath I don't like Seeing my veins I don't like Feeling my pulse As I live my scared life Because I'm truly frightened By everything in my mind And I don't know how to stop it I don't know how to change it I don't know what to do And that scares me