I lay a girl to rest in the flowers.
She sleeps softly in her meadow bed.
I stand by, Woman, strong.
I love her with all my heart
But I am glad I am not her.
Not anymore.
A snake slithers through the grass
His name is Death
And I am, at last, afraid of him.
When he strikes at my heel,
I crush his head.
All my force aided by
The blankets of comfort I wear around my shoulders-
Collected from my Dear Ones
And from the One above.

Suicidality fades,
Suplexed by love.
I loved myself with all the violence of a wrestler.
I threw my self-hatred on the ground;
Crushed the head of my snake.

Now-
Back straight
Head high
Hair curling around a sun bonnet
Skirt rippling out
Boots splashing in puddles
Music in ear and heart

I graduated at last
From barely surviving
To fully living.

I lost my daydreams for a while.
The bounce, the charm, the myrth, the smile.
All locked within the sleeping child
That I buried deep in the wild.

And yet, my fantasies resumed.
The undecayed body exhumed.
My girlhood rose from her repose,
The bright side of life to expose.

Water whispers, froths and bubbles.
Tiny bodies swim in doubles,
Schooling along the edge of their world
Where the fish tank ends.

A panting tongue creates a mist;
Soft golden fur, tail in a twist,
Barking at the outside world
Where the window ends.

Poised and tense, smooth muscles coil
Whiskers twitch with internal turmoil
To track a leaf beyond her world
Where the sliding door ends.

Dreary shivers, dark and damp,
God's distant voice my only lamp.
I can only gape at the mad, mad world
Where my glass cage ends.

Falter-
My broken stride,
A step too far,
My leg swung wide.

A misstep-
Just one mistake.
I reel in place.
My heart beats ache.

Falling-
Come crashing through
The floor till I
Collapse on you.

I craft my love
From words and dreams,
Forgotten, bygone memories.
And of this life, Real Love knows not.
I am to him a Time Forgot.
He left me picking pieces, changed
He lives in my mind, I lie deranged
Sobbing and writing all over the floor
You left too soon, Love. I need more.
I resurrect you from the dead
And spill my heart to the you in my head.

So I wrote you
But perilously;
For you, in your brilliance,
Unwrite me.

I dare not scratch the surface Plato itched,
For fear I'd break my fingers on the stone.
My faculties in circles whirl around,
Which metaphor Aristotle would bemoan.

My femininity is undenied
And thus my musings, when they first began,
Would be utterly rejected, undeniably rebuked,
By one featherless bipedal man.

The History that gulped Atlantis down
Into its sunken depths, has made a grave
For all free thinkers, locked by secret PINs.
Philosophy, no more, these souls can save.

I carry naught but spades in both my hands,
Seeking to unearth artful thought's tomb.
Labor-sweat pours down, yet I am left to merely mourn
The heartbeat ne'er since heard from Athen's womb.

I flail around,
Not backing down.
In and out,
I scream and shout.
Self-aimed, the blow:
Plunge down below.
My line is cut.
The book slams shut.

My stomach hurts.
I'm not sick,
I'm anxious.

My heart is racing.
I'm not having a heart attack,
I'm anxious.

I have chills.
I don't have a fever,
I'm anxious.

The thermometer says 102 degrees.
Now I know I'm sick
And anxious.

You've heard of a 'heart of glass'.
Well, mine is made of soap.
Careless hands can gut it.
Your fingernails will cut it.
You lay upon me all your grimy guilt,
Then leave me here, unrinsed, with all your filth.
I numb 99% of my own pain,
So the 1% can come eat me up again.
I'll cover you, My Dear, in soft, safe bubbles;
Neglect my own, but listen to your troubles.

Two hearts bound,
Twining round
A thorny vine.
It's yours and mine.

Two hearts bleed.
My guilt, your greed.
You took away
My yesterday.

Two hearts kiss.
You longed for this.
I stood my ground.
Now we are bound.

She wasn't particularly pretty,
Just a plain, average girl in high school.
She wasn't particularly brilliant,
Though no one would call her a fool.

She wasn't very athletic,
Preferring to sit in the shade.
She wasn't very artistic;
Her drawings were all left unpraised.

But she wasn't going to block out the cry:
That though childhood may have been tough,
She must stop defining herself by her "wasn't",
And learn, what she was, was enough.

My life's work is the wiggling leap
Of a soft little kitten, who lands in a heap.

My life's work is the hyper, swift lick
Of a rambunctious puppy who moves lightning quick.

My life's work is the smile of a friend,
Who I know will be with me till the bitter end.

My life's work is a high GPA;
Perseverance is how I got here today.

My life's work are these words that I write,
And the heartfelt confession, "you saved my life".

My life's work is nowhere near done.
I fell down, I got up, now I'm ready to run.

Dear Past Self,
We're in the same boat.
You worked hard
To keep us afloat.
What if I
Put your work to waste?
My blood is
All that I can taste.

Dear Past Me,
We're in the same boat.
You rowed far.
You kept us afloat.
I won't fail,
Won't bow to the knife.
I owe you
The rest of my life.

The tears slide down my cheeks.
It's been a rough few weeks.
I try to rise, to move, to stir;
But all I can do is cry
Into her fur.

Her tail flicks over my arm.
It stings from fresh self harm.
I sob in tandem with her purr
'cause all I can do is cry
Into her fur.

Her rough tongue scratches my nail.
I stifle a broken wail.
My vision's nothing but a blur,
Since all I can do is cry
Into her fur.

I cannot surmount my situation.
I'm fighting a war above my station.
Perhaps someday some change I'll spur.
Till then, I only cry
Into her fur.

Why are you always on my mind?
It’s been years since that summer.
Why do I live life as though I’m blind,
And look for you, my wayward brother?

I look north, to where I know you are
And hold myself ‘cause you wouldn’t do it.
I turn away; this anguish is too hard,
And shed a tear, whis’pring “I’ll get through it”.

I take a walk in the garden of our youth
And curse the days I stumbled ‘pon it,
If “I love you” was the truth,
It wouldn’t have shattered my soul to want it.

In the lonely, dark and frigid nights
You haunt my dreams like a ghost of laughter.
I wake sobbing and flick on the lights
To look around at my Emptily Ever After.

Don't talk to me about your love,
I've never seen a drop of it.
Don't talk to me about the climb,
I'll never reach the top of it.
Don't talk to me about the flowers
You've been prattling on for ****** hours!
Don't talk to me as if I don't know
That "rain will make the flowers grow".

Don't talk to me about your dance
I don't even have a dress.
Don't talk to me about your friends
I beg of you, give it a rest!
Don't talk to me about the sky
Mine has only ever been gray.
And if you try to talk about "healing"
I'll MAKE you go away!

This whole world that you create,
It's gorgeous, I must say it's great:
A beautiful cake on a pretty plate.
Welp, guess that means I'm second-rate!
Your poems are all meant to titillate
You titter and twitter and domesticate
These themes that even optimists could hate
I'll never be able to felicitate
You enough for the work that you narrate.
My morbid tones you must negate,
And to fix my soul: eviscerate!

And then White Winter fell,

The haunting breath of fall to quell.

The light’s last gleam, so soft and bright,

Was shattered on that frigid night.

She prayed that it might be alright,

But then white winter fell.

I wrote on my arms
And thighs
And neck
And stomach
And chest
And legs
Until the whole of me was covered in my feelings.
I could not speak a word
And so I wrote them.

Now I write on paper
Online
On the canvas
On my nails
On the computer
On books
Until the whole of my life is reflecting my feelings.
I cannot speak a word
And so I write them.

To be honest, I feel pretty broken inside
I live with a woman who’s out of her mind.
What’s right is wrong, what’s wrong is right,
The moon is the sun, the day is the night.

She screams and she shouts,
She wallows and pouts,
Her mockery’s vicious,
Her memories? Fictitious.

Nothing in life is as it would seem.
I wake up and feel like I’m still in a dream.
A nightmare of dreary existence, of pain,
Of suffering from the voices in my brain.

With her condescension she sends me reeling
Her temper takes hours, no, days in its healing.
She tells me I’m awful, ungrateful, I’m rude,
That I have to change my bad attitude…

I have not said a word.
But she still hasn’t heard.
I say nothing, I’m doomed.
If I speak I’m entombed.

My very existence just sets off a bomb.
Is this what you want?
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Entertain my broken brain
Numb me till I feel the pain
Swirling, whirling agony
In my blank stare.

Anaesthetic, my aesthetic,
Curled up in a ball, pathetic.
Surgically remove my fears;
Does anybody care?

Interweaving, spirit-reaving,
For my peace of mind I’m grieving.
Nothing matters so I scream,
“It’s just not fair!”

New beginning, used to winning,
Patience with the world is thinning,
Failure strikes, though through the years,
Protection has prevailed.

Codependent, my defendant
Is betrayed by my resentment.
Coddled by the Understood,
My lack is now unveiled.

My decision, hooded vision,
Heart and Will engage in fission.
Thus the end will soon begin,
With both my halves impaled.

Precious, treasured memories
Floating by on the summer breeze.
Magical, swinging melodies;
Looking back on a world of dreams.

The golden heat from the gleaming lights,
Wav’ring forms in spectators’ sights,
Costumes and set-pieces, perfect delights;
Looking back on a world of art.

Voices ringing through the breathless air,
Some words forgotten and some still there,
Cries and laughter, joy and despair;
Looking back on a world of sound.

The smile on my lips as the crowd’s cheers roar
We hold hands and bow as they shout “encore!”
For two nights only, then never more,
Looking back on a world gone wild.

Then, in an eyeblink, the daydream fades
Our paths intertwined, but now we’ve parted our ways
The magic in memory alone remains,
Making way for the world of fall.

I wanna give up and take my final bow;
I guess I just can't handle that
The only reason I'm alive right now
Is this cat.

I will take the truth from your lips
And kiss the pain out of it,
Till all that remains
Is our happy little lie.

I will take the love in your gift
And throw away the wrapping bit,
Revealing the gains:
Our happy little life.

I’ve never felt like this before.
The blood that the weapon and the battle bore
Has splashed the walls and warped the floor,
But I’ve never felt like this before.

I’ve never breathed like this before.
My chest getting tighter at my heartbeat’s roar
And I’ve felt myself panic on anxiety’s shore,
But I’ve never breathed like this before.

I’ve never hurt like this before.
I’ve been battered and beaten as the barbs would gore
My frail little heart ‘till it beat no more,
But I’ve never hurt like this before.

I’ve never burned like this before.
The witchers with their torches tried to “settle the score”,
And I kept on burning  to the crowd’s “encore!”
But I’ve never burned like this before.

I’ve never been lonely like this before.
I’ve been abandoned, sure; thought that I was done for,
When I reached out to people and they slammed the door,
But I’ve never been lonely like this before.

I’ve never felt like this before.
The walls are closing in and I’m losing the war.
See my broken salute as I fight on, I’m trying!
But my courage is dying
And my smile is lying
All the tears that I’m crying
Are so subtly implying
That I’m NOT OKAY
Someone help me, please!
I don’t want to die alone
But all the sweet words that you give me only pile up on the throne
Of my broken wishes, of my long-gone home,
And at the end of the day, you won’t know how hard I tried,
But the world would still be better off if I-

’ve never felt like this before.

Last night I dreamed a poem
I've never read before.
I guess you could say I wrote it,
Yet it left me wanting more.

Something about American Dreams...
About how nothing is as it seems...
Something about the city lights...
Something about our human rights...

I had scrawled it on the pavement
With a giant pencil in hand.
So all the world could know my intent
When first stepping into this land.

This morning I woke inspired,
I was ready, so ready to share!
I looked out the window and saw what transpired,
And now I do not dare.

They've stomped all over the pavement.
The roads are awash with blood.
There's screaming and crying.
My people are dying.
Their tears make a violent flood.

I don't care WHO you are!
On the left, the right,
You can't justify this ****** night
With words that defend without being contrite.
Have you no shame?
You cast your blame
Around you, as if we're not the same!
We are all Brothers and Sisters in Life.
By God on High, you ALL caused this strife.
And your wicked words are a double-edged knife!
In damning others you **** yourselves,
You're shouting so loud you can't hear the bell
It's tolling, extolling the end of our days!
But you're too steeped in hatred to hear what it says.

My poem is still as shapeless
As it was in the dream last night.
In my sorrow-blurred vision I see just one line:
"Please don't fight".

While out on a walk with a seer,
The maid froze while on the first mile.
"This is not a good place to remember,"
She said with a nervous smile.
~
A fearsome crack
A cry of wrath
A bright red droplet on the path
~
"This is not a safe place to be stepping,"
The maid said, with a frightened glance.
"We had better run home and regroup, friend;
We shouldn't leave this to chance."
~
A cheshire grin
A shatt'ring cry
A nightmare socket with a bloodshot eye
~
"Now, now, dear seer!" I told her.
"Calm yourself, you seem so distressed!
Retreating would be a failure indeed,
To press onward would surely be best."
~
A vicious slice
A gushing flood
A vital veinage, sweet lifeblood
~
I quelled her fears and she followed,
Despite her persistent doubt.
"Honestly," I softly muttered
"There's nothing to be frightened about."
~
A lifeless maid
A slackjawed bride
A headless creature with arms splayed wide
~
We travelled deeper and deeper
Through the path into the dark wood
We travelled so far,  that if we were to shout
No creature would come if they could.
~
A loneliness
A fading light
A blackness like the dead of night
~
Here we stopped. "I need a rest,"
I said to her. She acquiesced.
She turned around. Such woe betide.
And so that foolish seer died.
With all her gifts
She could not see
That I was her true enemy.
My knife did slash.
And she did wail.
I grinned a grin.
I watched her flail.
I watched her fall
Down to the ground.
She made a scream,
Melodious sound!
My work was done.
Her head was gone.
In mine her song
Sung on and on.
I turned and left
That empty glade,
Where no one was
Except the maid.

I just saw
That an old friend has disappeared.
I don't remember his name
Only his warmth.
I don't remember his face
Only his unfailing support.

He read what nobody else would read.
He saw the way my heart would bleed
And encouraged me deeply from afar.
I miss you, sir. Wherever you are.

Right now, if you're feeling devoured by pain,
Remember that there was a drop of rain.
And because of this rain, a flower grows
And because of that flower, a girl's smile glows.
And because of that smile, a kiss is shared.
And because of that kiss, a bond is repaired.
And because of that bond, a new life comes to be.
And because of that life, this poem you see.
Because of this poem, I hope you feel warm
And know that I'm so very glad you were born.
In fact, I would love to come hug you, my Dear.
Please know that I'm so very glad that you're here. 💖

Hello, I suffer from a rare disease.
This malady brings me to my knees.
It isn't commonly viewed as a curse,
But right now I couldn't possibly feel worse.
I hear a line in my head and then
My body is filled with adrenaline.
I have to sit up and write it out
Or else it'll rip my soul from without.
I'm spitting rhymes like it's out of style.
I think I'm gonna be here for a while.
It's 3:33 and I'm still awake.
Inspiration, please, give me a break!

You are a brilliant platinum giraffe.

Don't sell yourself short.

I'm really sorry but I have to die.
It's been fun,
I was nice and high,
But now that I've
Come crashing down,
There's no other option but to let the ground
Embrace me like a wretched worm.
I lit the match.
It's time to burn.

While walking on the snowy ground
That crunched beneath my feet,
I met a little friendly floof,
Who looked so kind and sweet.

He tilted his small fluffy head,
And twitched his fluffy tail.
A friendlier squirrel I never have met;
He invited me close to the rail.

I was near enough to touch him,
When he suddenly skittered away.
I could see the fear in his little dark eyes
As he begged me this distance to stay.

He chittered at me warily,
He twitched his tail again,
And a drop of crimson liquid
Showed me why he acted in pain.

The friendliest little squirrel
Did not move when I approached
Because his tail had been broken and ripped
While on his space I encroached.

Let this tail alert you
To a truth I, sadly, have learned.
The friendliest, kindest people
Are most often the ones who've been burned.

Indigo.

Lightning flashes through the sky, but
Indigo flashes through my eye;
Exquisite beauty floods my every sense.

Trifling all my problems seem,
On reflection of that violet gleam;

My heart, to this beacon, makes its recompense.
Youthful steps, with springing haste
Swiftly dancing, delicate grace;
Enthralled in ecstasy, I float away.
List'ning to the honeyed melodies,
Forever I am lost unto the indigo breeze.

Be intentional in all things.

The moment you succumb to thoughtlessness
Is the moment you embrace your doom.