I have tasted darkness,
and oh how bitter-sweet it was on my tongue.
It electrified my taste buds
and sent my body numb.
I had never felt a rush vibrate my bones
from the eruption of tears
escaping from eye to cheek.
what an odd sensation
to smile for being weak.
i'm victim to my demons
and their persuasive way of speech.
hanging by my fingertips,
fascinated by how they bleed.
one slight movement and my spirit will soar.
tempting to not only try,
but succeed the evil deed.

a way to cleanse my soul,
a cure to my diseases.
writing is my angel.
when my mouth becomes at fault
to organize my words,
writing is my savior.

but sometimes a haze
covers my analytical abilities.
like a cloud casting shadows onto earth's ground.
writers block is poisonous to my fragile brain.

i hate that i forget how to rescue myself.
i'm drowning in my lack of awareness.
struggling to speak through my hands.
i'm afraid it is too late
to save my once poetic mind.

even this makes me horrified
that i may
have lost my voice

Why would one let themselves be consumed by the darkness that they had been fighting for so long?
The darkness had slowly taken their soul, piece by piece, until only dust remained.
People do not understand that sadness is much easier to feel than happiness.
Why does it feels better to wallow in your own sorrows, to continue to be destroyed by your thoughts?
WHY DO WE CRAVE THE END OF OUR EXISTENCE?
Why do our demon's whispering sins tempt us to try?
Why are bad things so enticing?

why do my thoughts no longer create symphony's?
with metaphors as my orchestra,
I could release the information that crammed and over loaded my cerebrum.
it makes me confused as to why I would neglect that precious side of me.
the special gift that
saved my life.
how could I neglect you?
how could I forget myself?
my anorexic-like spirit is
so hungry for the taste of my memorie's return.

I'm begging to find a purpose
in this god-forsaken world.
I feel smaller than a particle of dust.
how could I possibly make a difference?
do I have the right to earn such a gift?
I do not believe I am worthy of so,
or worthy to walk where my feet have imprinted themselves onto the surface of earth.
could I be blind to my own awards?
is life a reward in itself?
weren't you and I each chosen to form in our mothers' womb?
this was clearly not ours to make,
so shouldn't we take the time day by day
to figure out why we
were made?

screaming into a room filled with people,
and yet i still feel silent.
ripping at my skin begging for beauty to appear,
and yet I have not been granted my wish.
clawing at my eyes to finally see what gifts life has offered me,
and yet I still feel alone.
why is it so hard
to forgive,
to accept,
to love
yourself?
has my brain become so damaged by society
that a switch turning off
causing a disease
to spread like wildfire through my cells?
I beg myself to be normal,
try to accept that I'm different.
but different isn't normal
and normal isn't me.
I have to accept it and move on,
be who I am meant to be.

my beautiful sister,
why?
what made you plunge so deep into the darkness?
was the high just so enticing?
was it a craving for the sting of the needle
as you shoved it through your porcelain skin?
was our love not enough for you?
was it not enough for you to stay?
I wish I knew
why you hated yourself
so much
that your demons forced you
to crave the numbness
and you willingly listened.
I hate you for making my thoughts race,
Is she still alive?
Was there anything I could have done to
prevent this?
But I love you for leaving me with old childhood memories.
my beautiful sister,
please
I am begging
for you,
THE REAL YOU
to return home.

don't fall victim to the snake.
for its venom will slice
through your blood stream
as smoothly
as a blade across skin.
don't let the snake's eyes fool you,
behind his sly tongue
lies sharp fangs
that are waiting
for your vulnerability to show.
and any minute,
the snake could turn you
from his prize,
to his feast.

I felt strong and able to move forward,
but then I saw you
and you saw me.
then you kissed her.
and I felt my whole makeshift world
come tumbling back down.
I felt my legs weaken beneath me
and my heart crack and spill open.
my blood boiling in my ears,
the noise is so loud
I become deaf.
my hands become numb.
you kissed her.
YOU.
the one person I had given my everything to,
I had never thought I could become
so
vulnerable.
I am weak because
you broke me,
again.
It's back to the end,
I am frail because
I let you invade into my cerebrum
where you had once imprinted your soul.
I feel ashamed for
letting your eyes
trigger my sorrows.
I am nothing
because I had let you
hurt me;
I had let you
win my tears,
once
again.

Has my existence meant nothing to you?
did you lie to me when you spoke of the electricity that sparked as our lips first touched under the stars?
because now all I see is you,
with her.
so quickly, the "love" you had disappeared?
I hope you're reminded of my erupting breathe tickling your skin,
my tongue that performed a dance with yours,
and my soul that gave it all to you.
remember that, remember me,
when you decide to caress someone else's soul.

I fell in love with the dark.
I found comfort in the sorrow-filled shadows .
selfish, I know.
but it is all I know.
you used to help me find beams of light,
but now there are no traces of hope remaining.
I have been consumed whole.

as I sat and watched the sun set over the trees,
I couldn't help but notice
the last beams of light.
they danced patterns along my skin,
creating a warm touch that seemed to
caress
the cells underneath.

why is it that every time I feel my strongest,
you somehow evolve slowly back into my membrane.
memories.
they overflow my cerebrum.
and then
my tears run red
and drip down my fingertips.
I hate how you do this to me.
weak, vulnerable, guilty.
I am numb when I think of your voice.
I quiver with fear of tomorrow,
how am I supposed to move forward
if my mind continues to dwell on the past?

I hate how much I miss your eyes,
the emotion spoken in them before our lips connected.
your eyes could speak to me, I could see the story before your mouth opened.
I remember how lost I could become while drowning in the deep brown of your iris.
but I just can't stop thinking about one thing...
how much I ******* hate you for making me cursed.
everywhere I look
I SEE YOU
everything I touch
I FEEL YOU
every pair of eyes that dare to look in mine
I THINK OF YOU AND  YOUR **** EYES
how much I loved the warmth they held,
the love I thought I saw deep inside.
all I want is to forget your eyes,
and to forget you,
to forget
us.

why do I find so much comfort in the darkness?
why is it so hard for me to not be so in love with feeling empty and alone?
people say I need to change, to fix myself, to love myself.
they don't realize how hard it is do so
when I have only felt happiness in myself
as the white powder is stuffed up into my brain?
why is the speed so enticing that I never want to be without it,
because without it I feel as if
I have once again fallen deeper into
the darkness than I ever was before.

I am lost at sea,
drowning in my own tears.


I look to my left and stare
at the pieces of our boat
we had built together with our intertwined hands.
our intertwined hearts.
I look to my right,
I see you being rescued.
You were always smarter.

I am being destroyed by the heavy, dark waves.
my screams are being silenced,
my body is loosing strength.
You were always stronger.

These waves are killing me,
while they are saving you.
I inhale one last breathe and
finally,
let the waves swallow me whole.

and now,
I am saved.

I'm no longer the cause of that erupting breathe of lust after our bodies collided in rhythm.
in fact, I am nothing of yours.
I chose to not feel my face when I could have just reached out and caressed yours.
I can't even feel your cheek against mine anymore.
I feel the distance our souls have created between us.
that I created between us.
I feel the ache in my stomach as memories of you engulf my cerebrum.
I have a lump in my throat as I whisper your name out into the darkness from the comfort of my bed.
I call out to you from miles away only wishing you'll receive goosebumps along your skin from what you called my electric touch.
I hate how we are separate but together, I see you but cannot touch you.
you are a rare antique in a museum I am forbidden to hold anymore.

the scent of sadness lingers over your lips as you whisper the word;
"Goodbye."
and as I'm trying to move foward,
while forcing the stream of tears flowing down my cheek to never end,
I can't seem to fight the force
that wants me to
give up and understand that your tears shall never fall upon my hands again.

you're being is a closed exhibit in a forgotten museum,
a place i will never be able to find no matter how far and wide I search the depths of the earth.

you are a foreign stranger,
just another face in the sea of humanity.

BUT you were once my universe,
you once showed me how love can truly exist.
you had showed and reflected hope onto my life.
you marked a footprint in my life,
a milestone.
your heart cared similar to a mother caring for her first infant child.

my heart had continued to beat because of you,
you had showed me strength
and you taught me to never give up.
so here is my promise to you,
I shall never forget your promise to me;
*just keep pushing , no matter how much weight the universe is placing on your shoulders.

I can't stop these erupting voices from telling me;
YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG
I try my best,
but the best is never enough.
I work till my hands are bleeding,
till my feet are swollen,
till my brain is pulsing.
but it's never enough blood,
not enough pain,
too little of suffering.
in order to get better
they say;
YOU MUST FEEL THE SAME PAIN YOU CAUSED THEM
but enough is never enough
and the pain is never ending.
i will die because of the result of my failure to accept love.

i can't believe I lost you,
in a selfish-foolish way.
I thought I needed the pills,
I thought I needed the line,
but what I truly needed
was your eyes.
they looked at me with such tenderness,
a love so deep it's never ending.
I needed your arms,
that held my fingers to stop prying open my skin.
I wish I knew myself better at the time I had you.
because
I ended it all because I thought I
already had
it all.
**** me to hell for my ****** choices.
I hope one day you'll show that sparkle in your eye to another...
even as I type these words I can't get myself to truly want that.
I lost the one thing I needed to keep me alive.
and so now, my readers,
this is goodbye.

the words have left my brain
the pen has fallen out of my hand
and on to the floor.
the page is not blank however.
my tears are the new instruments
that paint the pretty picture.
I have lost the focus and ability to focus.
my motivation left the day
you completely faded away.
my heart pounded for you,
how could you be so deaf?
I nearly bursted with rage,
how could you be so heartless?
I've become crumbled ruins;
craving to be built up again.
this is my cry towards my happiness,
where did you go?
how could you leave me?

it's a weird feeling, this emptiness. this feeling of existing, but not living. just walking, wandering. lost in life, with no destination in sight. I had one once, but now it seems that a goal that was once at my fingertips has moved miles and miles away from me. I feel like my mind has been tortured by words of negativity— my existence has been threatened by my own hands due to people voicing their "opinions". This Generation has turned the amendment 'freedom of speech' into 'freedom to destroy the soul of a human being.'
Words hurt just as much as being physically beaten, think twice before speaking your mind. Will your words build that person up, or crush their minimum amount of joy left in their frail bodies?

We, as humans, were placed on this earth to become a high power. We were created to express the meaning of 'Unique' and 'Different' - yet in this day and age we are judged so harshly on merely the way we dress or talk. Humanity is destroying Humanity; we are creating a world full of breathing corpses who have no sense of joy for life anymore. Why do we continue to live this way? Life is not meant to be tortuous; instead of feeling trapped and judged, we should feel FREE and explore as many parts of the Earth as we can before our time here is over. Exploration of the world is the key to freedom, the key to the true feeling of being a human being. Living is a privilege, we need to value this token of gratitude from The Higher Power; whoever that truly may be.

I have reached a resting stop in my life long journey towards complete and utter happiness. I am drained, weak, and nauseous. I can't do a single thing in life without worrying about a consequence, a mistake, a fear. If I move on; will I be wishing I stayed? If I stayed will I forever be regretting my decision? I need to see the world, but I also enjoy some things in this life. I crave adventure, but comfort is easy to find and 'home' it is easy to call.  I want to see what life has to offer, but what if it isn't as glorious as people proclaim? what if I am not the person I believe I am? a unique writer who craves inspiring scenery? Or am I just a little girl who's been thrown around by society, mind so hazed that I cannot figure out what I truly desire? Life; it's a living hell - but with an open mind and no pessimistic outlooks, it can be a best selling book waiting to be written. I might have the ability and opportunity to be the Author, through terrors, tortures, and turmoil... I might be able to make my hell into someone else's hope. I just have to keep going, moving forward, and stop looking back and dawning on the past.

i have been placed on to a pedestal.
for every one to gawk at and be repulsed by.
I do not hate these people for judging what I've done.
I'm an animal
trapped in a cage
confused,
but understanding when a finger is pointed my way and the booming voices shout
'YOU HAVE BETRAYED US!!'
And what tears my insides apart
is that I have not only
betrayed
my friends,
but also myself.
I despise what I see in the mirror;
mentally
physically
even the existence of my being.
how can the unforgivable
be forgiven?

Forever will never be enough.
Time will never last long enough.
I was never strong enough
to keep you safe.
I was told I would never be good enough,
you proved them wrong at first.
Holding my hand, while caressing my heart with your passion of life.
But now you've ruined it all.
By using the hands you held onto mine so strongly with to end your own life.
Now I'm told that you saw the real me,
and wanted no part.
I can see right through the lies..
but oh
you selfish ******* you.
You left me, alone and confused.
all the while of never
thinking to hand me back my heart
before
you ruined me.
completely and infinitely;
I will always remain broken.

I've been waiting
and hoping
so patiently;
but my time is running out,
and my skin is starting to wrinkle,
and my heartbeat is starting to slow,
and my lips are starting to crack
from being without another pair to caress mine tenderly in so long.
I've been waiting for a someone to come save me;
but I never realized that sometimes you have
to be
your
own
hero.

from dusk to dawn
I have lied awake next to you.

listening to your even breathes,
wondering what you were dreaming of.

I long to fall asleep next to you,
but seeing the man, who changed my life so much and so quickly,
in such a peaceful state of mind
is far greater
than dreaming of lying next to you.

the warmth of your skin touching mine
is far more enticing
than lying all alone
in my cold, dark room.


an epiphany has arose in my mind;
the sun is rising,
my lover is fast asleep,
and I'm laying in bed
indulging it all in.

life is a miraculous and beautiful,
thing.
and this moment right now
just proves to me that
everyone is apart of someone before we are even created;
and my oh my
I hope I've found the missing piece
to my puzzle of a life.

I yearn to feel complete,
whole,
and full.
For so long I have felt
empty,
weak,
and vulnerable.
I'm sick of this
disease.
I'm tired of this
tortuous thing that I have
so unluckily
recieved.
I'm done with trying to fight it;
for I am the champion of my mind.
Victory shall be mine;
forever and always
I
will
reign.

when I feel the sensations
of words starting to make sense
in my mind;
this is when I feel high.
writing is my drug of choice.
it fufills my needs
and makes me feel "okay".
to keep the feelings trapped inside
my silenced mouth
and speeding mind
is like when a drug addict
comes down from the high.
it makes me feel
weak
numb
and uncontrollable.
I am nothing without a pencil
and paper;
I was destined for greater.
and greater
I shall become.

the mirror that whispers,
the mirror that shouts,
words of hate
and torture
and spout.
the lies it speaks
are of disgust.
the thoughts it creates
turns 'should stop eating'
to a 'must'.
the mirrors lies are tempting
to try,
but a forewarning ;
the lies will control you,
and they will eat you alive.

it is a new year,
it brings new beginnings.
yet why do I continue to feel
this heavy, dark weight
of the loss of you.
my heart continue to beat,
yet I am not alive.
I am dead to the world,
unable to soar with my wings spread wide.
all because of YOU.
you took my happiness
and crushed it into pieces.
i hate you
but I love you,
and that's what scares me the most.