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13.3k · May 2015
smell nostalgia.
Perri May 2015
I will randomly get whiffs of scents
that remind me of moments spent with you.

The smell of the lake in the city at your dads that first summer.
That scent that stuck to our clothing from burning cedar in the barn we called home.
A whiff of cologne that you would wear only because I loved it so.

I hope I never have to smell those again.
Painful nostalgia.
5.9k · May 2015
Describe that awful curse
Perri May 2015
The only way I know how to describe depression
to people who don't understand what it is like,
is by telling them

"Imagine,
you had this awful ache
inside of your soul.
It embeds itself so deep,
like the darkest, most painful bruise you ever received,
but it has attached itself like a leech, to your soul.
It is a part of you,
constantly throbbing,
which makes other parts of your body hurt.
As the throbbing in you soul continues,
it branches off into your head, where it grows like a ****.
Your brain starts to throb to the point where you can almost feel it
becoming too large for your skull to contain.
You almost want to do unthinkable things,
to release all the pressure in your head.
The throbbing continues into all your muscles.
Every move is painful and draining.
You go about your life, into the world as a normal person
putting on a facade,
when really,
you can't even fathom how you are taking every step and every breath.
You are just one big ball of throbbing energy.
Now imagine feeling that everyday."

That is the only way I can describe it.
3.5k · Jun 2015
candy
Perri Jun 2015
I am as bitter as pure cocoa
As sour as a warhead
More layered than a jawbreaker,
To protect myself from someones
sweet tooth.
But I hope one day,
Someone sees that I am actually
Sweeter than taffy,
More vulnerable than cotton candy,
And more delightful than Turkish delights.
I hope to fulfill someone's cravings.
Perri Jun 2015
Nothing makes me happier
than being a set of nonjudgemental ears
for those who have never had
someone to listen.
But sometimes,
the mouth attached to the head of the ears,
also needs someone,
to non-judgementally
listen.

A therapist also needs a therapist.
3.0k · May 2015
a clean sheet
Perri May 2015
I just pulled my clean sheets
duvet cover
and pillow cases out from the dryer.
I will wrap myself in them
basking in their warmth,
the warmth I don't get to feel from a living thing,
before putting them in their specific places;
taking in the sweet scent of vanilla
each thread is coated in
instead of the scent of you.
2.9k · May 2015
On the fence
Perri May 2015
I think I have finally come to accept that my home is
on the fence.
I am constantly fighting with myself of my worth and intentions.
A forever debate if I am worthy of the good or deserve all the bad.
I want so deeply to love someone,
and their love to be pure in return.
Yet do I deserve to accept their love?

I want so badly
to be a kind, genuine and patient person,
yet when I am,
I get used.
Then when I voice my thoughts,
I get abused.

I am nervous for the day
that a big gust of wind comes along and blows me and my home
off the fence.
But which side will I fall?

I'm scared.
2.8k · May 2015
drained
Perri May 2015
for 3 years,
you infected my thoughts, my body and my soul.
Now you run like you've run from everything else;
avoiding your feelings and the consequences
of your own stupidity.

Maybe one day,
even 25 years from now,
you will finally clue in
the amount of sorrow you brought to someone's life.
2.6k · Jun 2015
mannerisms
Perri Jun 2015
I love observing a stranger's mannerisms,
they tell a story of their own.
I watch them wherever I go, I find it cute noticing their little habits. I love seeing character in people I will never talk to or even see again.
2.5k · May 2015
love wound
Perri May 2015
as vulnerable as an open wound
and love is dirt
if it gets in, it could potentially infect you
but if you have a strong immune system
everything will be alright.
2.2k · Aug 2015
my concert love
Perri Aug 2015
A concert I attended
where a boy sat near me
I was intoxicated
and with fake confidence
I turned to him to see
gentle eyes
a soft face
and lips I couldn't ignore
We didn't hear a single song
when the night ended
we knew we needed more

So far away he lived
but our souls knew we should be
I had never felt like this
no one has ever gave me the looks
he would give me
So genuine
so kind
But the distance was an annoyance
it wasn't good to his mind

Another spring on it's way
I was thrilled for that cold, February day
to once again
see that boy I met
off we would go
to a DJ set
Our love that night would quickly grow
only to know
in a few hours
separate ways we would go
too much kissing
I don't remember that show

Summer is now ending
our love
forever pending
A festival we would meet
our love wouldn't be discreet
Mac Demarco
our favourite man
in the setting sun
holding my hand
we both stand
to the beautiful sounds
on this historic land
You look to me and say
I can't explain
how you brighten my day
there is something different about you

and I told you
I feel the same way too
No one has ever looked at me
the way that you do

And with that
the sun had set
separate ways we would go
until the next show
always wondering
always wanting
but I may never get to know
2.1k · Sep 2018
Trapped
Perri Sep 2018
Other men look
with interest and intrigue
while I walk behind you,
small,
as you take lead

I look them in the eyes
hoping they sense the hurt in me,
seeing my distress,
praying they will come set me free

So as I walk in your shadow
shameful
and unimportantly
I'm hopeful
my worth
will shine
for all the others to see
~
2.0k · May 2015
Fake love me
Perri May 2015
Why did you choose me
to fake love?
Is it because you can smell my vulnerability?
My hope and innocence?
Or is it my body and ignorance?

In three years, the words have never left your mouth
never grazed your lips
but by the way you touch my hair,
look me in the eye
and with your manly hands
gently hold my hips
I know your actions are speaking louder than the words
you will never say
Oh I know, it is hard to admit to yourself that you feel this way

The sorrow I feel waking up next to you
knowing you're not mine
that you go out
looking for others to woo
Words cannot describe the pain it puts me through.
And yet, I love you.
What's even worse, is that you know I do.
2.0k · Jun 2015
nana was my best friend
Perri Jun 2015
Nana,
words cannot explain
the love you shared with me
no one
to this day
saw in me what you'd see

our souls were intertwined
from the day of my birth - 08/10/92
to the day you died - 08/11/2010
Eighteen years and one day
lovely nana, you had never left me astray

Nana, I loved how we'd feed off
each others curiosity
to me, you passed down  
your warm soul
genuine mind
and extreme generosity

your love for me was so pure and deep,
and you would tell me no other compared
and that is a secret I will surely keep

I hope you are now watching me, nana
as I hurt knowing your love is part of the past
But just so you do know, nana,
the love you shared with me
is imbedded in my soul and bones
and I know it will forever last.
she was my best friend and no one will ever have a love for me like she did.
2.0k · Jun 2014
A Closed Book
Perri Jun 2014
I am a closed book.

Whenever I let someone in,
hoping they want to read my story,
they just end up ripping out my pages.
1.6k · Jun 2015
almost
Perri Jun 2015
people love to come into my life,
and dangle themselves in front of me
so close,
that I can feel their warmth
and hear their breath
so I can smell their scent
and see their beauty
and just as I am about to reach out
to embrace their presence,
they yank themselves up and out of my life
leaving me confused and hopeless,
until the next one finds me
1.5k · Feb 2022
Toothpaste
Perri Feb 2022
It's crazy how long we've had this tube
I've said to myself "when it's finished, I'll move"
We often go through three, four a year
But this tube is prolonging our time, my dear
Each brush of this paste is how I cope
A twice daily ritual, this tube is my trope
I predict enough squeezes to last us through March
And after one last squeeze
We'll inevitably depart

....

When I moved back home
The tube here was new
I think about you twice a day;
I'll always love you
1.5k · May 2015
Brain throb
Perri May 2015
on autopilot all day
then the moment the sun goes down
the lights go off
the eyelids shut
the pilot finally takes control
and starts a long, vicious nosedive
into the icy cold ocean of thoughts
1.4k · Jun 2015
avoid the feels
Perri Jun 2015
allowing someone to like you
makes you vulnerable
to when they choose
to no longer like you

so I beg of you
please, do not to like me
because
I know
in the end,
it will be painful
for me

must avoid at all costs
1.4k · Jun 2015
sorry mom
Perri Jun 2015
I told my mom about events from my past,
events that shaped my bitter bones,
memories that will forever last.

I regret telling her
I had no friends until age 9
and that people would tell me
that they wish I would die.
I should have never informed her
that when I was young,
the pain people would bring to me,
tell me that I would never feel love.
I wish I didn't let her know
of the words people would constantly throw
my way.
How I would beg the teachers daily,
to not force me to go out to "play".

I was so ashamed
of the 12 grades of toucher,
until the day I was finally free.
But unfortunately,
all this damage,
it has taken far too much
away from me.

Now I am uncomfortable,
knowing that she now knows
everything I have kept covered.
I don't like people's concerns,
it makes me uneasy when they care;
I become smothered.
1.3k · Jun 2015
too much
Perri Jun 2015
I refuse to make any eye contact with strangers
Because for that split second,
We are connected.
I penetrate into their soul
And sense everything that has ever,
And will ever,
happen to them;
I feel far too much
And it is beyond overwhelming.
1.3k · Jul 2014
grave
Perri Jul 2014
The day I get the courage to finally set myself free,

my body will lay under the earth, cold yet peacefully.

People will go about their lives, as it should be,

and continue to do what they do best, walk all over me.
1.3k · May 2015
You were a waste
Perri May 2015
I am so angry
at all the energy I used
at all the kisses I gave
at all the secrets I shared
and all the love that I made

What a waste.
I am genuinely furious at myself.
1.3k · Jun 2015
close enough
Perri Jun 2015
It has been so long since I have had any sort of physical contact with someone,
that,
when the little, fragile woman
hemming my pants,
accidentally grazed my ankle,
while placing the pins,
I had almost mistaken it for some sort of affection.
1.2k · May 2017
Natalie
Perri May 2017
Natalie, Natalie
I know you can hear me
from the heavens where you choose to reside
For in memory of your pale skin
blonde hair
that cosmic energy
you could not hide

Natalie,
you're the only girl I craved to lay beside
a smile so radiant
contagious laughter
but always pain behind the eye
such a beautiful shell
that started to crack
when few allowed you to confide

Natalie?
I am sorry for you, that life was a disappointing ride
I will never be mad
relieved
maybe envious
that you're at peace
no longer rolling down this landslide

Natalie.
you are now the wind
soothing
in fields so wide
crashing
rhythmic waves
in every salty tide
hot
buzzing beetles
along every roadside
for you,
Natalie,
you did not die.
My best friend took her life and I am just trying to express it.
1.2k · May 2017
The inevitable storm
Perri May 2017
Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Here we go

The calm before the storm
Always as predicted
The stillness was reassuring
But I should have known

Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
I should have known
That as I opened my petals
Into the sunlight
Exposing my colours
My scent
That the storm would hit
Right as I started to grow

Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Dark clouds are rolling in
Thunder is shaking my stem
And just as I am about to close my petals
You strike me with 1000 bolts
Again and again
Turns me black
But this time
I don't think I will grow back.
1.2k · Nov 2021
ugly
Perri Nov 2021
Ugly ugly ugly
I can only assume
How you think of me
While I lay naked in our room
I'm hungry
Starving
For a touch
Of strength and admiration
Ugly ugly ugly
This is deprivation
Ugly ugly ugly
I beg to please you
Every touch seems new
4 years of cold
I've been waiting in our room
Ugly got ugly
And I'm only left to assume
Ugly ugly ugly
Your attraction to me is doomed
Idk what to do anymore
1.2k · Jun 2015
soon
Perri Jun 2015
I can feel it deep in my bones,
the day is coming very soon.
It has to be under a willow tree,
probably some time around noon.
My aching soul can't take much more,
my plan is
pills
*****
rope;
I am excited for my soul to soar,
I have lost all hope.
For each that I care,
I will leave a letter of love.
I will explain my admiration for them,
explaining how I wish I had gotten better,
but now I will always be watching from above.

This day is coming very soon,
under the willow tree.
I will finally feel everything at ease,
my soul will be freed
while someone finds the shell of what used to be me.
1.1k · Jun 2017
The Invisible Friend
Perri Jun 2017
How convenient this friend is
Always readily available
When a wave of loneliness washes over you
She is there to fill a void
A pigment of your imagination
That only you can see
For she is merely just a gust of wind
When you no longer need her
But your whole world
When you are desperate for an ear
A one sided relationship;
You shouldn't allow her to become comfortable
Keep her at a distance
So she never gets a sense of belonging
as you continue to age

Until one day
She will come to realize
You have outgrown her
And as she fades away into the breeze
lest you forget
that invisible friend
is me.
I am so sick of being a good friend to others, and having them use me only when is convenient for them.
1.1k · May 2015
curious
Perri May 2015
nothing excites my soul quite like understanding people
I want to know why they do the things they do
what drives them to make the choices they make
what warms their heart
and what makes their mind cold
I want to know where they're headed
and what they came from
who they have dealt with
and when they broke down
I want to be the ears for people
ears that I never had
I want to hear what excites them
and see that destroys them
I want to hear all their stories
thrilling and horrifying
because you learn so much from people
and it is the most beautiful thing.
if you have a story, don't be hesitant to share ~
1.0k · Aug 2015
tired
Perri Aug 2015
Existing is exhausting
1.0k · Jun 2015
surprised
Perri Jun 2015
People seem to think I am completely fine,
that I am so strong.
But oh I would pay fine money
to see their reactions
when they find out
I am gone.
1.0k · Jul 2017
I've Been Waiting
Perri Jul 2017
My heart is so full
there's warmth crawling up my spine!
You're holding on tight;
it's truly sublime,
the heat starting to rise
as we lay intertwined.
At first so scared
but it's different this time.
You're grazing my chin
thighs
waistline
with words so gentle
and kisses so fine
yet so robust
your hands
and jawline;
a perfect design.
The days I lay cold,
dark and controlled,
I choose to resign.
For you, the calm lake,
and I, the fickle skyline;
opposing elements
that are perfectly aligned
but also a contrast
that is beyond the divine
for I am relieved
I get to call you mine.
I am starting to see the light.
1.0k · Apr 2018
No one.
Perri Apr 2018
No one loves you.
No one loves you.
The voice reminds me
as the loneliness creeps back in.

No one loves you.
No one loves you.
The words slip off my tongue so easily,
and it feels so truthful to say.

NO ONE loves you.
NO ONE loves you!
It blows me away that this is where I am today,
but it's where I reside
and it's somehow comforting.

No one loves you.
No one loves you..
Days go by;
I am invisible.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Out of strength, out of time.
974 · Jun 2015
Cold
Perri Jun 2015
Oh how I wish you didn't call today,
my soul finally refroze from the last time we spoke.
The sound of your voice thaws my chilled heart,
only to have you vanish again,
and let my love for you freeze over once more.
I am as strong as ice,
until you appear,
then I weaken, and eventually melt.
It's been three years
since I was allowed to say I love you,
now I lay shivering,
frigid from the fact you will never be mine again.
958 · Apr 2016
all talk
Perri Apr 2016
please do not entice me
with an offer so grand
that you will regret
the moment that you present it
for I am weak
and the mere slight communication
makes my blood boil;
not inducing anger
but excitement
for our potential together
even though, we both know
your words are empty
and your offer
is all talk.
958 · Mar 2015
Exhausted
Perri Mar 2015
My soul aches at the thought that
I may never
be looked at like I am beautiful

My ears ring at the notion that
I may never
be touched by reassuring warmth

My head throbs at the concept that
I most likely
will never get to share my secrets and dreams

My body shivers at the knowledge
of knowing that
I will never be kissed purely and deeply

My eyes swell with the tears that are aware
of the inevitability that
I am utterly invisible

I am exhausted from meaning nothing to everyone
The one thing I want so deeply is the one thing I may never experience.
938 · Mar 2015
Fake It 'Til You Break
Perri Mar 2015
Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my body in fabrics and threads
Hiding my skin and the truth

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my face in creams and makeup
Hiding my blemishes and the truth

Every morning
I crawl out from under my sheets
To cover my sorrow in fake tales and smiles
Hiding my deep pain and the truth

Then,
I am out the door
Ready for the world to see my facade
922 · Jun 2015
online temporary love
Perri Jun 2015
online dating,
love is what I am hoping to seek
conversing through technology
having hope
that some day,
face to face,
we may speak
hobbies and morals spewing,
we let our excitement easily leak
filling in that lonely gap
3 days in
is its peak
then slowly declining
these "relationships"
end with the week
886 · Jun 2014
High School Me
Perri Jun 2014
I am 'one of the guys' in a house of tacky wallpaper and 70's carpet
I am a reader of the piles of 80's national geographic covering my floors
I look out my window and have a clear view of a disintegrating trampoline and a rotting deck
I constantly hear calls of "IS THE LAUNDRY DONE?!" followed by, "I'm just too sick, Perri"
I am from a house constantly smelling of smoke, if you follow the scent you'll find a sick yet content man I call dad
I am the over-thinker, over analyzer of the group of 5 I refer to as my best friends
I am the wishful thinker who dreams of one day finding someone who respects and cares for me
I am from a town where a ****** named Ray Ray walks the streets, as elders stay in their 60's inspired homes
I am from a neighbourhood with churches on every corner, churches very few attend
I am from a family where the old speak in British accents and lovers of Yorkshire pudding drench it with gravy
I am the mother of an aging, energetic feline who rules the house
I am the author of a journal I keep all my thoughts in
877 · May 2015
Life changer
Perri May 2015
First year of college
I took a side class
on a topic I've always liked.
It was with a lively, genuine, wise teacher;
it was the happiness of psych.

Before college, for many years
I suffered from anxiety.
I would try to be mindful,
understanding why,
but it always got the best of me.

This teacher, spoke many words
but there was one statement
that I deeply heard.

She said:
The only thing you can have full control over
is how you  react to things out of your control.

And in that moment
I had an epiphany.
I had control over
how  everything affected me.
And since that day,
how grateful I have been
to finally live my life
anxiety free.
850 · Sep 2015
exhale
Perri Sep 2015
Every exhale
feels like hot, negative, lonely pain leaving my body,
an exhausting task;
it is so heavy that it is almost a chore
I wish I could exhale enough that
I would no longer feel so alone
But no amount of exhaling in my lifetime
will take away the fact
that I have no one who cares
if I ever inhale again
848 · Jun 2015
no time
Perri Jun 2015
people say
the more pain you experience
the stronger you become

but I feel as though,
those people who have become so strong
due to painful experiences,
have had time to heal and grow in between
each experience.

but then there are those people,
like myself,
who don't have time to heal and grow between each experience,
because all of their life,
these experiences happen one after the other
and instead of becoming stronger,
people like us,
wither away to nothing.
827 · Jun 2016
twohundredthirty
Perri Jun 2016
twohundredthirty days
with no touch
skin to skin
the things I would do
the money I would pay
oh how I long for the warmth
in any way
please
someone
let me in
or let me die soon
with no kin
being so untouched
I consider a sin
could be as simple as
a brush of my hair
or a stroke of my chin
because no human contact
is a loss
not a win
814 · Dec 2014
first love never dies
Perri Dec 2014
I wasn't worthy of any mans attention
yet he saw the beauty in me
we would lay in the tall grass
silent but the breeze
the sun warming our naked bodies
all of this comes with ease

bare foot in the back fields
of the barn we called home
paints, brushes, canvases
into the woods, the stream, the orchard
we would roam
and paint the beauty we saw
in the nature
in each other
naked and raw
so young
only seventeen
no limitations
we were opened minded and adventurous
we were free
we couldn't fathom how our souls had come to be
we would toss amongst the sheets by the fire
our bodies fit together so beautifully

time would slip by and to him
I was no longer magical
my red hair and pale skin
my average cooking and my eccentric ways
it all seemed too impractical
I was no longer good enough
no matter what I did
I was no longer what he wanted
I ran through that back fields and into the woods;
I hid

At only twenty years old
he had my soul
and with one last glare
one last stare
he returned it back
damaged, bruised and black
the end is inevitable
first love, so genuine and pure
forever I will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure
the title is a soko song ~
799 · Aug 2015
birthday
Perri Aug 2015
Today is my birthday
and while family and friends are celebrating
the fact I was born,
the fact that I am alive,
I am filled with sorrow,
making my birthday wish the opposite.
798 · Feb 2018
Vulnerable
Perri Feb 2018
I am so vulnerable
an open wound
And your "love" is salt
stinging my soul
infecting my blood
causing my heart to slow
while brain is losing oxygen
and my liver is secreting toxins
eyes are swollen shut
and I am trembling with shame
because I exposed myself to you
and you left me here to rot
772 · Jun 2015
mail
Perri Jun 2015
Everyday,
I check the mail,
hoping to see a letter from you.

Everyday,
I see that empty box;
Although, I am aware,
it would be too good to be true.
I have worked in a post office for four years, and have taught the special people in my life how beautiful writing letters are. I send them, but never seem to receive any in return.
750 · Jun 2015
Latin soul
Perri Jun 2015
I started listening to Latin music recently
~
I have no clue
what they're singing about
nor do I want to know
because I love all the emotion put into each song
feeling it creep into my soul
and wake it from its long hibernation
And that feeling is far more satisfying
than all the words in the world.
725 · Jul 2018
party of love
Perri Jul 2018
loving you feels like
I am always at a party;
contrasting and exciting
but it is obvious - my lack of appeal;
anxious and lonely
698 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Perri Sep 2018
I have this RAGE burning in me
that I can no longer hide
You make me feel so worthless
that daily I pray
that I die
because I can't stand your face
your stupid ******* hair
and smile so wide
but you wont let me leave
for a year now, I've tried
so please, sweet souls
that reside in the sky
take me up there with you
for every night that I cry
I am drained of hope
as I let out an exhausted sigh
I'll be waiting for my turn
As I am ready to say goodbye
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