please,
do not compliment me
or speak in tongues of hope
because I am not worthy of such reassuring things

I am constantly reminded by every other
that I need to work
for worth
and I haven't even
punched in
on the clock
with you yet

so instead of letting me relax
and ease in gracefully
put me to work like a slave
because that is all I know
and anything else
must be fictitious

The worthiness of me to men is non-existent
so I will share you my resentment

A man came into my life
When I wasn't worthy to others
Yet he saw the beauty in me
We would lay in the tall grass
Silent but the breeze
The sun warming our naked bodies
All of this comes with ease
The end is inevitable
First love, so genuine and pure
forever will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure

Next was a man
Who was calmer than the sea
So few word's spoken
Never to be seen around with me
Weekends of whisky
Not to leave my room
Dancing naked, playing records
I knew I was temporary
I knew it was doomed

Then there was a college boy
Who brought me to his room
We smoked blunts, watched movies
I told him it was too soon
He claimed that I was perfect
In time, touching my curves
Like the clouds softly grazing the hillsides
Making human art in his bed
Like natives dancing on their reserves
But I could sense his coldness
I saw no emotion in his eyes
So on my walks home
I would beg to the skies

A concert I attended
Where the next boy sat near me
I was intoxicated
And with fake confidence
I turned to him to see
Gentle eyes
A soft face
And lips I couldn't ignore
We didn't hear a single song
And when the night had ended
We knew we needed more
So far away he lived
But our souls knew we should be
I had never felt like this
No one has ever gave me the looks
He would give me
So genuine
So perfect
So kind
But the distance was an annoyance
It wasn't good to his mind
And so little efforts were made
And I was left astray
Always wondering
Always wanting
That perfect boy from the show
But I will never know

Why can't I find one who cares
One to feel, one who is real?
Please find me someone
Who wants love like me
My soul is aching
I'm painfully lonely

I am here to help you,
But only momentarily
To assist in diminishing your previous errors

Small and smooth
Use me until you get your ideal outcome
Then toss me to the side and forget about me
Only to remember when another mistake arrises

Use me over and over because that is what I am here for
Little pieces of me crumble with every use
Slowly withering away
Until one day
I am gone

The search for love should not be played;
what a sick and twisted game
you are forcing me into

I should not have to strategize my next move
in fear you may surpass me
on this ridiculous board

I should be able to move swiftly without thought or worry
about who is winning or losing
Because we will either both win or both lose

No more childs play;
it is time to grow up
because love is not a game

Dear mum,
I was aware that you were hesitant with me
I could sense it since I was new.
I still have dreams of being suffocated, mum.
I always wonder if this is because of you.

Dear mum,
at the age of three, you gave a little brother to me
But I knew I'd starve for your attention.
How I wish you could have noticed my sorrow, mum.
How could you ignore my desperation?

Dear mum,
as time passed on,
I knew I was alway second, mum
you liked to make it obvious,
something I never could grasp,
one of my most difficult conundrums.
I longed for your love, never to receive
but instead shame and guilt
you would bring down on me.
Your words more painful than your hands, mum,
as brother would watch with a smirk.
the missing comfort of a mothers love
I knew if I wanted it, I would have to work.

Dear mum,
I am a young woman now
and I am tired of trying to prove to you
the things you seem to be unable to see
the smart, caring person I have grown into.
Now that you are older mum,
I have little to give to you.
Now you are starving for MY love, mum
and I don't think thats something I can do.

I pray one day you won't be so ignorant, mum,
of the things you continue to put me through.
I hope soon I will be good enough
so I can learn to love you too.

I go to a job where I am alone all day.
Then, I go home to where I am alone all night.

I can't tell if I enjoy being alone,
or if I am so used to it,
And I have no option but to enjoy it.

Merry Christmas
- says the tequila gold
as I lay alone under my duvet
But the alcohol is warming my veins
as a family
would warm a room

Oh boy number 13
they say it is an unlucky number
and you sure are living up to it
but nothing different than the 12 others

Boy number 13
you fall asleep in my bed
like every other
no respect given
only *** driven
it is inevitable
isn't it a given?

Boy 13
don't you have anyone else's time
you could be wasting
minimal effort
I always seem to be tasting
the same pattern
I am always tracing

Boy number 13
It is time for you to leave
please
it doesn't come with ease
because I am so desperately lonely
But what my heart doesn't
my gut sees
don't be a tease

oh no
dear boy
I have let you too far in
with no future in sight
how will I ever know
if a relationship is what I will win

oh no
sweet guy
the way you touch my pale skin
with hands so soft
your actions so gentle
this is a sin

oh no
hesitant man
the way you look into my eyes
with such empathy
when I am with you
I no longer want to die

my heart grows fonder
as I lay here alone
but my soul is aching
my brain is throbbing
because what we have
may never be set in stone

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
My mind is wandering
I'm assuming you have lied to me
Just like all the others
Why do I bother
Why do I bother

I can't breathe
all this anxiety
My mind is spinnin'
I realize I've been fooled again
right when I've surrendered
and courageously let you in

I can't breathe
You're ignoring me
why do I trust
so easily
I'm so angry with myself
panic is creeping in
when will I learn
I am merely here to be used
when love is what I yearn

I can't breathe
How dare you do this to me
For all the scars I have shown you
My throat is closing in
Tonight I will not sleep
I am never going to win

But I've begged you
please
to not do this to me
I lay in tears wondering
why I'm so worthless
and I can't breathe.

Six months of freedom
from this evil within
thought I escaped the sorrow
the devil had vanished,
thought I was finally going to win

Then the pain came crashing back deep into my bones
so sudden, so intense
as though I was being pummelled with stones
please not again,
don't make yourself at home
I was so excited for myself
to feel no anguish
it was soothing to roam
yet I lay here
after six months of ease
escape my grasp
and yet again
I am alone.

Oh dear lord, I am excited for the day I finally earn respect
Unfortunately, so unfamiliar to me
I pray my body doesn't reject

Oh how thrilled I will be to finally learn to trust
My soul is extremely vulnerable
It is something I yearn to experience, it is a must

Oh my, I can't contain myself! One day I might deserve love
to feel so much warmth from someone
that is the emotion I want to feel the most of

It is a pathetic amount of hope I have
to experience all of these sensations
I did not think I was asking much
I am writing this out of desperation

Why so many ignorant sheep
In this grassless land
Depression does not come cheap

It is not a joke or a tale
It is a fact that is uncontrollable
No matter how many
Meds or lonely whails
When all else fails
Don't you dare doubt my mental state
I do not fake
This burden
This demon
And don't you doubt
I've tried it all
And don't you compare
To those who didn't choose to fall
Because depression is out of your control
It takes ahold of your soul
Eats it's up and spits it out
I wouldn't lie about such a curse
Don't you dare look at me with doubt.

I hate
that I live
vicariously through
characters
who fall in love
for the first time
in movies.

So innocent, so naive, so pure.
Utter curiosity.
I remember it all too well,
never to experience such a sensation again.

So I am going to continue
to live
vicariously through
characters first love
in movies
so I can
bring that feeling back,
for a split second,
even if it is faulty.

my licence expired
my passport expired
my father lost my sin card
my father lost my birth certificate

on paper,
I do not exist

so now,
all I need to do
is physically not exist

they say,
if something seems too good to be true,
then it usually is.

which makes me
hesitant about
the way you seem so interested in
every part of me

it makes me
so skeptical
that the stories you are sharing with me
are in fact
non-fiction

I have become
so cautious
that your words are genuine
and your intentions are indeed
pure

dare I risk
making myself vulnerable
when I have no clue
if you're like all the others

Lord
Give me the strength
to ignore
To escape his grasp
and lock the door
Give me the will to run
and hide
for 97 nights
I've laid and cried
How lonely he makes me
I stay for my pride
And I need the courage
To stop my love
With every force
I will shove
His cold soul away
Until the day
He is lead astray
Because my passionate soul
Deserves much more
And I am sick of feeling
Like his chore
So please Lord
Give me the strength
To ignore

this crisp air
and the scent of burning leaves
in this small town
I will continue to grieve
for my lost girl;
I am still so naive
and very ignorant
because I didn't want to believe
but I will always regret
not showing you
how special you were to me
So I hope you have become
the woman you wanted to be
and finally receiving all the love
you yearned
wherever you are,
my sweet Natalie

I only love you when I'm manic
All those other times?
You're just tolerable.

Am I entitled to an Oscar
For the act I put on everyday
Is harder work than any A Lister
Will ever endure

I am the comedian
Enticing laughter
While the demon inside
Finds joy in my cries

I am in theatre
Where everyday
I paint on my face
Masking deep sorrow
That crawls over my skin

I am in silent film
Where my actions speak louder
Than my muted words

I am an actress
And everyday
I perform
And life is my stage