you are my forbidden fruit
so sweet until the notes of bitter bubble up
so perfect for me until your other side shows up
duality, inability
to see beyond your own body, beyond your own needs
what am I to you?
what am I if I do or don't?
you tried to tie me down, tried to quiet my own
voice, displeased with my need for reciprocity
to engulfed in your hypocrisy
I almost lost me, in your rapids, distractions
too many factors, actors, and games
too much struggle, rebuttals, and vain
so much vanity you drove me insane
and I have never driven a day in my life

annoyance, I was branded due to my flamboyance
joyance, connected to divine i am clairvoyance
I swim to the shore from the sheltered deep
I swim to the top to feel the sun’s heat
anything in hopes I do not repeat
the way I felt under you, the way you painted me so blue and alone
a throne in an empty castle
a never-ending mental battle
me versus your voice embedded in my head
I travel to the nearest chapel to rebuke you
I unravel in my travels to run away
the problems return day by day
no amount of drugs and buds will resolve
the problems just seem to evolve
with every folk and wind in the road
with every smoke and grind blown
I gotta face my own
reflection, deflecting blame
rejection, embargoed in shame
protection, from you and your games

gave you a mile
but you wouldn’t even take an inch
tried to be sweeter
just a pinch
tried to be a holiday
to the grinch
i tried to love someone tactless
i cried too much for a fake prince

feast for the ancestors who were famished
embrace the familiar damage
bisou bisou, thankful for the room
used to be so stuffy in the old place
i left my feelings of inadequacy in my old ways
old space, watch the page turn
displace metaphors about the days turn
is getting older just getting further from my innocent joy?
is getting older just pretending that i feel joy?
a glimpse of it underneath the books that weigh heavy on my brain
trying to understand everything but neglecting vain
trying to fulfill the expectations expected of me
for my ancestors who were famished
i am grateful for the feast

We were alone in the Crown of Jewels
We weren't comfortable in our schools
Didn't fit into their rigid system of rules
The love wasn't there or anywhere for us homosexuals
The love was rising but so were the death tolls
Just a scant fish in a vast pool, just one of a million molecules
I was emotional whilst emotionless
Simply trying to navigate the lack of bliss
Hard to be optimistic when you are facing the abyss
Abysmal
I drown but didn't die it was baptismal
Trying to hide the strain, the days were dismal
But I let go and let light inside
Exculpated my mind smoking blunts by the seaside
High tide, low vibe
But I let go and decided to clarify
Realizing all my actions were artlessly justified
Yuletide, brown eyes
Remember that day, the horizon the way the sun laid
Recalling your face, when I said something with shade
Dwell upon my eyes, disarmed, entranced and vivid jade
The smile on your face that day continues to plague my brain
But nonetheless, I'm used to the pain and the unhappy endings
It's a habit of mine to invest in the art of storytelling.

two flower boys
thorns penetrated when interlaced
its fate, its truth
two flower boys born to bloom
pain brought birth
painful to let go of what you knew
carefully to prove you grew
plant your seeds within my dirt
extrapolate the course
two flower boys should not divorce

jumping to conclusions like a frog
drinking your delusions with ciroc
drowning down all the clinging thoughts
ribbons tightening, dreams frightening
swimming through the blinding fog

Conceiving anew, Gaia
Waiting for you, Messiah
I have ideas swirling in my mind that I give birth to life
Nurse these creations until they live in my life
Or lives of many these burdens no longer heavy
My babies saving me whenever I slip
My babies keeping me sane during trips
To the night of the dark soul to recover my shattered pieces
Take these fragments to the sea
To inner peace the blending of all my energies
So I can co-create life for my sake because both halves are mine to take
I am the seed and the nourishment
I can create anything without interference
Not one or the other but a combination which is better
The ying and yang both blended together
Inside of me and my soul, I speak
My speech no longer riddled with insecurities
Throat chakra open and my knowledge devoted
To seeing the world change
In Gaia's name

gaslit, bad trip
told my reality wasn’t happening
the present, in the moment
my cover is rupturing
for years i let your words cut me down
for years i let the shame run down
my bleeding face, kept up a violent pace
for who, for what, and why
for me, for you, why do I try
can never be right, stuck in wrong
can never be white, soaking in swan songs

going to go
now, bow out of this town
i need to go out of bounds
i have been too tied down
let my wings flap, my nails scratch
keep my feet and hands busy
i need to get out of this city
i am going to go
out past the river bend
see if the world ever ends
count the leaves, follow the ants
distract a wonder lust man

just when i thought
that should’ve been the end
when i get my hands on it
that’s when it begins
i need it and mould it
wrapped around my fingers like gold
your body my own
your voice is silent
the room is dim but your bright mind matches mine
we intertwined over common ties
there is something i will never know
i can always feel the thorn
i feel in puzzles and i speak in tones
you understand my wit but miss my hold
i understand your grit but miss your gold
just when we could’ve thought
that was the end

my greatest dream and worst fear
my saving grace, my cheating dear
the hearth that burns deep
the emotions i keep
inside my shell, inside my tears
i wished for times, when i didn’t just roam
i wished for kind eyes and a tender soul
my wishes were granted
insecurity vanished

feed me green grapes
kisses down my nape
sing songs of woven fate
you are my Odyssey
you are my great
the volcanic eruption to set my heart ablaze
the diamond perfection i cannot help but gaze
i cannot help by sway to the timber
of you strumming my heart strings
each and everyday
feed me green grapes
with you i am safe

i let it all wash away
everything lives in the gray
my body is mine but my time is yours
you can kiss my body while on all fours
sorry to make you think i would
sorry i didn't think i could
get inside you, underneath your skin
confined in the priest all my fresh sins
did not even need any liquor
did not even need the devil

happy holidays, fresh white snow
eggnog ***** and fuzzy robes
red nose reindeer and frost-bitten toes
jingle bells and warm throws
happy holidays, hot black coal
SZA's SOS album and ctrl
apple pies and chip-filled bowls
cinnamon candles and a hearty soul

Ran from me, the iridescent spark in me vanishing
From the cutting comments to the opposed shame, it was damaging
Made me second guess, thinking I was second best
Pretended I wasn't blessed, monumentally stressed
But when I got depressed they pressed me more
Only loves the hues of my deepest bruise
Pointed and poked until the bear came to
Bite the finger off the master, I am not longer a slave
To the concept of your society, nor to the silent law engraved
Within the mind of the empty
A fate I could never envy
If you don't want me to succeed; forget me

I was used to the abuse, used to the towers
I was used to being used, used to your power
it makes me sad looking back, I was in the present accepting presents
while you were hiding in the black, keeping secrets, turning your back
on me and everything I offered, I thought you were better than you were
guess it's my first mistake to think you wouldn’t put me up at the stake
watch my ivory skin be engulfed in flames
watch your baby burn away
if it means that you can survive by the skin of your teeth
tried to run and run with my tired feet
tried to undo all you have done to me
tried to keep the door open in case you came running back to me
I like broken birds, I like empty words
I like chess pieces, I like idealistic worlds
you fit my trauma like a glove, manipulation to get my love
but you had another, arguably better
older, more secure, not a country over
but in turn, you made me feel insecure
a tragic mess continuing to dismantle
unravel like ribbons, uncovered the truth due to visions
I received, the seeds I reaped
protection is given to me by deities
I am not one for fighting but refuse to wave the white flag
you shot me and now I must burn down your creations in a red flash
every web of lies, web of secrets
I set ablaze and sit back like the grim reaper

pen to paper
tears to soil
the interactive process makes me
what am i without the mercy of paper?
what am i without the abundance of ink?
what am i without?
footprints in fresh snow
bloodstains on a sheep’s wool
what am i when i am no longer broke?
what am i when i unfold?

I was always frightened
hiding from what happened to happen
constantly stressed no come down for the wicked
apprehensive to tenderness
running from abandonment
no rest for the wicked

I was always dodging
insults, punches, and negativity
didn't believe that love would kiss me on the cheek
these hounds, hounds of love are after me
I can’t come out of my warped fantasy
I run and jump; the sea catches me
too afraid to confront what is happening

money, fame, glory
Childhood was so rough the only option was to come up with a story
Adulthood came early and taught me to be discerning
But in a world full of colour hues its easy to pick the shivering blue
Fell into a whirlpool, a black hole so dark my memory vanished
But these lessons I learned taught me to survive in famish
So I worked for the juxtaposition because I deserve lavish
So stunning and blessed I came to be
Never let that light die in me
I knew I would make it with the right opportunities
So I learned how to be hardworking and ambiguities
A humbling story and sometimes sad
But I am grateful and cherish moments I will always have
But I moved on, looking good, getting back
Everything they took from me I used to have

i am a robot
stuck behind all these roadblocks
what came first?
the road or the blocks
i wish i didn’t give a ****
i wish i understood what it was
riddled with curiosity, plagued with confusion
never understanding the extent of my emotion
i am a robot
i am a token
i was made to be used
made to be broken

this place is a pond
destined to dry, destined to die
i fashion some wings, white and long
i left before i could see it was wrong
spending my seconds before the sun
before tumbling down into the blue ocean
serpents and mermen
sharks and eels
my lungs fill like swimming pools
my restlessness got me killed

I wanna feel your love, your hands slicked with oil rubbing down my back

I wanna feel your lust, keep on kissing me because you can't help it
I wanna feel loved

I wanna feel like I can trust, you and your actions
too many distractions, pools of passion
take a dip into my water

go deeper, go farther
with me than anybody before

buy jewels to adorn me because you understand I am royalty

I wanna feel your love like the diamonds in my ears

I wanna feel your love as I work through my biggest fears

I wanna feel like no matter what happens you will always be near
me, to help heal me, as I do the same

we both have been scarred by pain by we continue to grow

my last was overgrown with vain, the envy ivy tried to stop my growth

no more anchors to hold me below the surface
I am breaking through, I deserve it

I hate u
at least I think I do
memories of your flaws I say goodbye to
our relationship was a war, filled with love bombing, high walls, and gore
our relationship was a chore, never effortless always depressing when
I remember your rejection better than anything
when you dropped my hand, the way you shifted sands
around different people, I really believed you
but our love met the grim reaper
you kept yourself like a secret and I was a thrill-seeker
you were scared, I was fearless
I held you dear, you were tearless
so I hate u
at least I think I do
memories of your flaws I am haunted by
memories of all the times, I wished for, I deserved more
I outpoured just to no remorse
you were always ready to drop me to protect you
you were always ready to knock me to suggest you
were little Mr. Perfect and that this was worth it
but you weren't worth these hands, these tears, my heart
you weren't worth it from the ending, middle, or start
it is reflected in my art
that I hate u

roundabouts, talking downtown
sought you out, now you are within my claws now
like a mouse to a cat, mice to a trap
loveless until that night
where you spread my legs like butter and treated me better
than any other
where you didn't stutter when you get bare with me under the covers
not a facade, not so bleak
not what I am used to, no more dead-end streets
fruitful summer romances I never got to reap
the benefits of, entangled love
these rose coloured glasses I will never take off
the red flags waving like China
But I can't give you up because I like you, kinda

i never second guess its omnipresence
but i do underestimate its lack of reverence
rendered second fiddle to my own body
my own mind, bubbling up inside
i should never second guess its power
thought i was built strong, that i would tower
until it broke me down like salt in water
like a fish out of water
gasping for my life, except theres no threat to see
silence is deafening, voices whispering
ribbons undoing, time i keep losing
i should never second guess its control
simply riding the monstrous waves as they come
i finally learned to swim, the first couple years nearly did me in
hide in shadows and caves, played the mind games
and i lost
tried to scale the waves
and i lost
i keep losing
anxiety keeps brewing
a fresh *** daily like your favourite brewery
pretty till broken like jewelry
imprison by my own cells
lacking in unity

demonic, my self-sabotage is chronic
after a couple of gin and tonics, music is electronic
your body like a comic, I wanna read, I wanna see
something about you was made for me, made to be
my little teddy bear to sleep with, I'm wearing no underwear that's my secret
come and plant your seed then reap it
illogical thinking who needs a reason?
I just need you in this bed until noon