Looking around and hearing stories

Looking at those eyes and bedazzled with the light of passion in them

In the Shadow I stand and watch those hearts go away!
And I asked

What makes me stand in their shadows
I realized that we are guardians with missions!!!
And....

My mission in the world to be the guardian of silence and the right words!

I'm the Guardian of Unspoken Emotions
And that is my tomorrow...
Share with me your Tomorrow!!!

Who you Trust!
On the Ladder of life, your steps are counted..
On the Ladder of life, you will question all your beliefs and your being alive!
Nobody is there except that voices of who love you!
The voices that will be there always as your voice will be for them!
You are fully worth of every step in your life!
You always trying your best because your life means a lot to you!
You always keep trying although you fail a lot!
You always keep that hope lightening inside you!
You always have that "Meaning" that you are the one that will clear "Uncertainty" and light the Way! 7-9-2016

I die to be unpacked!
So eager to be taken somewhere to be recreated differently!
Don't want that!
Resenting all my feelings!
My emotions!
Heart!
Butterfly in stomach!
Welling to be taken away freely without regret!
Loneliness is my fear!

We born with big spirit within ourselves...
We grew up with a light faded away deep inside...Shy from us...Scared of what had been fed inside us...
We became at some point of time unknown to ourselves...
And...
We became a Heretics, when we start taking courses not known for other who used to know us!
For those who deluded our tissues with...
Blood not ours...
With Breathes not for us to breath...
With Tears not for us to be part of Cries...
We became lost in the space...
Lost in many paths...
Lost in Silence and even in Crowds...
And ....
Still have that Light, trying to find its way to the Universe...
Still Cleansing...
We Still Walk in Paths...
We Still Longing for Brightening the Dark inside us...
There are still Places inside us and outside there...
Those Places that would be nice to be Un-tagged with things that are not meant to be for US!!!...

"I miss  you a lot at this Moment"...She said that and hided behind the "Good Night", like a little child!
I gazed with a paralyzed happiness!
I gazed and my fingers on keyboard trying....
                                               to type my kiss in words!
                                               to type my hug in letters!
                                               to type my caring in a touch!
Your "This Moment" is a world for me!
A World that keeps smiles alive!
A World that revives hope!
A World of your...Warmth!

They told me to Let it go... And...
I Found that I have nothing there to let go...
Still searching for that song that to be sang!
Still looking for that life to be lived!
Still aiming to reach the beat that shows I'm alive!

I'm wondering If.... there are answers to those questions;

Are dues still not yet paid?
Are sins not yet repented?
Are wounds not yet healed?
Am I still having a human's heart?
Am I still holding that soul which will guide me?
Am I still pure?

Without a further notice! She sneaks he way out into my tired Heart!
Without anymore will left for me! She hypnotized my guards and centered in the middle of my old Castle!
All my belongings became her! I became an alien in the center of my own soul!
I feel the urge to ask my Heart....What do you want?
What you will gain in letting her in?
Where do you want to end up with those emotions?
How do you imagine the chapter will be closed?

There is Urge!

The urge to run to nowhere and have that unseen peace!

That is the Urge!

Am I willing to leave The Maze!!!  Although my name is Mazen!!

Or....

Should I change my name?  Or.... my Heart?

I am Mazen...
A new Version of me is now here!
A Version that might confuse you!
A Version that might irritate you!
                       And....
A Version that is worthy to feel it!
If I smiled...It is because I saw you!
If I smiled, while you are shouting.... It is because I understand you and feel you!
                     And...
I won't change who I became....I won't Change the Version of who I am!
                   And...
I will keep my Smile...to Rescue You!

That is my Version!

What?
Two Hours and i’m trying to put my immense feelings on papers..and i failed…
Looking at the picture that took my breath away….
Reading the spilled words, feelings were stolen from me and i was hypnotised…
Literary paralysed and shaken…
Literary living in the wold of spirituality that i left long time ago…
Literary i’m living in my exile ….
Literary I’m seen…
I saw her Completing her process, and everything in me hold me back from keeping the secret inside me….
Everything in me, get angry of my “Shy” and shut my “Shyness” off and said the truth that I saw her soul!!
The first fear was the tear i was about to see…
The first “Freak out” was the face turing to red!
The pain was to hurt someone i care about?
I saw all those things and i felt the pain inside me!
I’ve heard the voice saying inside “Why did you so?”
I told her “ I’m sorry” I can’t help it?
and i should say that…
I should tell her
You have been seen
I Saw you!
13-4-2015

When kisses are wasted on someone you don't know!
When lips are united in the unfair moments of life!
When the Eager is burning your virginity!
When you end up ultimately alone in freezing bed!
When your beauty is no more than a represent from Medieval age!
Your belongings are no more than lethal rage that is blowing inside you!  
Hugging her, sensing the fragility between your rough hands!
Wondering... of A moment of happiness that lead to another visit to a hell of unrevealed emotions!
Wondering.... of what favour I'm doing to that child's feelings!
Becoming the atheist... who is losing the blesses of heaven!
She looked throughout a torn soul with unspoken words!...
"Say it" .....I said!
"I forgot the world with you!...I'm not worried"!
What a Blame i would receive from my burdened heart!
                                       What a Waste!!!!!

This is how I feel the music with gentle melody and sad tone…
It let me go into deep thinking inside my the lost soul and crazy world…
I don’t write my poems so i would be labeled a poet…
I just want to smell the breath I’m taking inside me…
I just want to taste the water that dancing inside me...
I just wanted to retrieve what has been taken from me all those year...
                                       I wanted to...
                                      Love in Peace!

I see her face on those pages!
I touch those pages with my hand, feeling her soft skin!
I want her badly!
I want to hear her coughing!
I want to feel her breath around my face!
Eagerness burning me but not time!
I just want time to move away from me so I can see her tomorrow!!!!
I don't know what I would say, what I would do with her, what I would expect from her!
I know one thing.... I want her next to me!!!
What would people call that!!!
I love you...

What would I say about it!
It seems i have no definition!
Love might be.... Let Others Voice Emotions!
Love might be... Live On Vapidity Effluent!
Does it have a meaning?
Do I need to search for its meaning?
I do admit that I'm Lost
I'm losing faith...
A faith in my own feelings or what things are going inside me!
A faith in something called "Love"
This Label which has been given by others!
A faith that this thing so called "Love"  Does Exist!
They told me... I am searching for extraordinary woman!
And they didn't see the extraordinary inside me that I want to bring out!
I am willing to be rude, if i want clarity!
I am willing to be impolite, if i want answers!
I am willing to be no more nice, if I want to claim my rights!
I just want to my pain to rest and relax!
I want to own them and respect them!
I want to honor their service fro what i BECAME AND WHAT I WILL BECOME!
I want to take my hand away and not cover my mouth anymore!
I JUST wanted to be myself!
If you "Love", "Care" and "Dare".... Just Help me...If you felt me... Then Thank you

She asked me what is LOVE!

I thought of it and I couldn't fine better answer than this....

My Answer is Huda!

She is the Home of Peace, where the ugliness of the external world disappeared.

She is Unique in her kindness....where you feel do angels exit!

She is Devoted beyond the word meanings..... She sacrificed by all definitions and roles!

She is the Angel that if she get angry, she would show only love for you!

At the end...Love for me is HUDA!!

And I failed to find other definition than that!

And I'm happy i failed! She is worth to be failed for!

With silence I became a friend!
Taking a rest out of painful journey!
A friend I can't look at his eyes!
A journey is meant to be taken alone!
A fight tried to kept away!
A tear was frozen in time!
An anger was hold within the chest!
                         After all that
What is my say now!!

I really wanted to say "I Miss you"...Badly!
I really wanted to say "I Love you"...Genuinely!
Like a child asking for his Fairy...
                                       What is the point!
A Fairy you see in your dream!
A Dream that even not drawn by You!
                                        What is the point!
                                                    to
   ­                                             Dream
                                                    or
         ­                                        Love

I remember !
When logic finds no way to rational!
I remember!
When the beat of a heart is no longer part of a dictionary!
I want to fold all my papers
I want silence to accompany me in my cave!
I want to rest my breath in stillness!
And .....
I remember... with a note from Reality that Everything are running away!
I can sense the fear! The holding back of what is kept deep inside!
And....
I'm here in my dark room trying to bury my burns!!
Trying to write my last Epitaph

What i'm holding back myself from saying to her?
The Heart eagerly beating my chest urging me to tell her!
The Mind is spontaneously stepping back happily to let the Heart say its word.....
The Soul gracefully holding the space for Heart to live the Joy of that Feeling...
                                        What to Say!
It is a question that burns me like the child's excitement!

                                        What to Say!
It is a wish to let her feel how she is coloring my life!

                                        What to Say!
It is a longing to let her know the warmth that she brings to my soul!

                                        What to Say!
                                        I love you!

Let me be selfish!
Let me be snobbish!
Let my ego shouts out!
Let my whole being be free from those silly norms!
Destiny might have other plans than what I hope!
Maybe I'm not part of your dreams or world!
Maybe I'm not in anyone's agenda!
Maybe I'm bringing Confusion!
Maybe my Shadow and the Dark Side still there and has its agenda!
                                    If I say "I Love You".....
Am I violating your Values... Your Freedom... Your World!
                                    If I say "I Love You".....
Am I breaking the norms of universe or peoples' or Community's Rules!

I am only voicing what is crying inside me!
I am only voicing the instinct that created by God!
As I am one of his Sons!!!!

Do I still need to care about those Norms anymore!

When the smile feels shy!
When eyes stray in reflection!
When silence is my world!
When face invites mystery!
When no words left to be written!
When the feelings are dazzled!
When a tear is taken!.....
                                Then......
You know you are in the other world!

I'm tired of searching for meanings!
I'm tired of questioning my feelings!
I'm sick of justifying my sayings!
I'm jaded of trying to find reason for silly things!
                        I ask you people!!
What makes simplicity removed from your dictionary!
What makes life equal to death!
What makes innocence equal to drama!
What makes Love equal to naivety!

When there is no answers to those questions.....

Then....

Clumsiness is a clue!!!!

When the unspoken words are radiating from innocent eyes!
When the Deep Blue Sea can hid inside those eyes!
When Those eyes invite you to the maze of emotions!
When those eyes warm the cold being of you!
When the language of the other world is spoken through those eyes!
Those Eyes that can tell you... "You are Alive"!
Then......
The Wonderland is your destination that you will end up!
Then...
It is the smile that will end the chapter of that look!
Then...
It is the Silence in Shyness that will cover your being!
Then...
The Hero of that untold epic!.... Is you!

I closed my eyes and I saw her face!
A face that left a trace in lost soul!
I closed my eyes and I saw her black hair sliding on the side!
A face I thought I would be able of keeping away from my soul!
Sneakily... I'm watching her hands reaching sky!
Eagerly ... I'm thinking when I would have that time with her!
Jealously... I'm seeing her talking with others!
She came from nowhere! Yet she placed that trembling in corners of my silence!
I counted minutes…….to see her face!
I folded scenes to hear her voice!
I held my pen to write… and I kept my ink silent!
I can’t say her name!
I can’t move towards her asking who are you!
I couldn’t look at her eyes!
I couldn’t dare and ask her what do you want to say!
I just hugged her and moved away!
Turning pages into rest!

And….

The Chapter not yet closed!

What hope I'm holding onto my silence!
My words are calling me to release their own spirit from my hope!
My eyes can't see other thing than something labeled "love"!
My breathes are looking for that smile that meant for me!
My heart beats calling her face in the dark night to spark like star in the sky!
My pulses... here with her face remembering those eyes with unspoken words!
My thoughts.... here with her silence calling the world of spirit to tell me your secrets!
My longing.... here with her unseen worries, asking angels to hold her heart gently...

Sitting next to her, watching falling a sleep...
I didn't look at anything except the loose strand of her hair...
I didn't notice anything except that loose strand of her covering her eye!...
I saw how her eye so tired and wants to rest...
I can't tolerate sitting next to her!
I sat on the sand looking at the sea, in that dark night!
10 minutes....
Me, the sea, the moon, the wind and she still sleeping on that rock!
looking at her again, how she leaning toward her knees and laying her head! and Sleeping like a child!
I kept chatting with the Sea! What else!
What should I do!
I feel the whole world inside me and I can't give her anything except the friendship that I promised her...
She Knows i'm lying! And I know she knows i'm lying!
                              The question that I can't find any answer to it!
I love her.... The Hell Yes I do!
The sound of waves asking me with anger, are you serious!
My answer, is there something else i'm going to lose!
                                      You are Hurt!
I'll be more hurt if I waste this feeling...
                                       You are Lost!
Divine with me...
                                        You will be in silent!
But I'm fully alive...
                                         You will be alone!
But I'm in love...
                                        Why can't you see!

Because she still sleeping...
I saw the child inside her that I'm missing! and all that...
                                       While she is sleeping!

I keep asking myself this question!
Am I living a scam called love!
I Kept asking myself, am I right to have my emotions out of my Chest!
Is it worthy to breath the fresh air out there!
Is it right to tell the girl " I love you!"...
Does she exist for that moment!
I can't see her face there!
She is a fancy that I don't want to get in love with!
She is not the love I'm looking for anymore!
I don't know who is she anymore!
Farewell to her chapter in my book!
Let someone else comes and writes another episode in this strange epic!
Merry Christmas:)

In the darkness of the first night, I saw nothing except the mysterious energy around that bed!
I saw her gold hair, and I said what I'm into now!
I couldn't sleep!
I was sensitive to every single movement of me so I won't disturb the mysterious sleep of her!
I heard the fight between her pen and paper... A battle of proving a point of view that no one won't understand!
"It is raining" a voice i won't forget!  
A voice of caring!!!
Beneath her bed, I was playing a game of guessing!!!
Is she writing!
Is she drawing!
Is she fighting!
Is she in pain!
The question I keep asking myself!
Is it my business to be so sensitive about the energy around me!
What I am made of!

I told the world, who she is!
I told them that she is the joy within me!
I saw the smile on their faces when I'm talking about her!
I saw the happiness tickling their lips while listening about my time with her!
I told them how worthy she is Over them!
And I tell her....
My time with you, won't be a mistake!
I stood there listening to her pain, and with a smile I'm telling her...I'm there!
I can feel her unspoken words, the unrevealed feelings in her eyes!
I can feel the smile when she look into my eyes!
She took me to another level of love!
A love that Makes me feel the child inside me revived!
She still doesn't know who she to me!
She is everything meaningful when things turn nonsense!
Do you still want to know who she is!
She is my angel!

Why Now!
Why Her!
Why I miss her!
I went to her to be with you, and don't know why all roads were leading to her with eagerness...
My breathes taken away, when she said she will leave...
Why fear went sneaky inside me, saying you brought hell to your castle!
My face says something...
My heart says something linked to face!
My soul says the unspoken words to me!
I'm happy, but I hate her!
I'm happy, but I feel pain in my heart!
I'm happy, but scared!
I'm happy that i'm alive because of her!

She laid her head on his shoulder, in peace and in silence she surrendered to the fountain of Love!
She shared that smile in silent looking to his eyes, telling him. "My life with you is the world I was dreaming of"...
she let those terms go away i the silence...
She believed...She has the faith... She stayed telling him " No matter how bad it is... Or how bad it gets" ...
I have what I need
I have what makes me live and survive
I have "You"
He said....
"Me" is "you"!

I’m Failure!

She said that with a shining crystal tear in her eyes…

She broke my silence!

Shrinking in her bed, hiding her face, with a tear which killed my strength and toughness… I felt naked.. felt I have no power to make her safe!

Like a little child, eager to have that warm hug, that safe hug, that secure corner… and She broke my boundaries with world I don’t belong to….

Did she saw me how I see and feel her!

Did she felt how she had my back safe and my feelings secured!

Did she realized how stabilized our time and life together!

You didn’t fail me!

You didn’t hurt me!

You didn’t make me feel tired!

On the Opposite….

You did let me feel my humanity…my worthness…my existance…my signature…myself!

And after all that you are saying “I’m A Failure”

You can feel Sad..You can feel Pain…You can feel Disappointed …. You have the right to be Human!  And we will still experience Sad, Pain, Disappointment beside other things however we didn’t Quit… we didn’t Surrender… we still in the Arena that we created and will create and that we will keep creating together and with each other.

Be who you are and don’t be a shame of showing your uniqueness… your worthiness…showing how treasure you are for me…

With love..with admiration..with humble I tell you…you are Enough!

Looking into your eyes!
Watching them checking on me with that passion!
Looking at them and feel the warmth of caring!
Let me know for sure  how "Love" fails against you to prove its glory!
You gave "Love hard time to cope with your caring!
You proved that there is much more than "Love" that needs to be between hearts...
Thanks for everything in you seen and unseen!

She told me your hands doesn’t look belong to you!…
I know…
What else does belong to me?
When I said my Heart wants to leave my chest, Nobody believed me…
When I said papers are running from my pen, they thought I’m a poet! They thought it is  figure of speech!
When I said I saw the tree is waving for me asking me to join the forest, they thought I’m emotional…
                                They didn’t….
Felt the Pain…
Felt the Loss…
Felt the anguish…
Felt the Death within me…

I have..
The babyface…
The sad eyes…
The shaken voice…

                                 I don’t have..
The Peace…
The Safe…
The Love…

But…

I promised myself to let everything go…Even my…
Hands!

When you are blessed enough to someone

Being with you is a bless given by God!

Listening to your soul is a remedy for a tired soul!

Reading every single word from you like reciting a mantra of pure love among Angels!

A radical bond created beyond people terms and norms!

Silly...Funny...lightness...spontaneous...are the core of our moments!

Downs are met with faith...
Ups are felt with appreciation...

With all of that, a happy 1 paper anniversary, is not but a long life journey filled with amazing moments!

With that I face any moment even if it is painful, with joy and hope!

Thank you for the light you bring to us!

I love you
That what Fills me with Faith
I love you
That what makes me stay optimistic
I love you
That what makes the war i live peace!
I love you
That What makes your words a lullaby!
I love you
That what makes things worth to fight for
I love you
That what makes life has a meaning
I won't give up on you, that what makes your love makes the life I'm living be with a bless filling my soul!!!

Your words showered me with Love!
Your words gave me the warmth inside my soul!
With your words I disappear from the Hideous World!
I'm in peace with your words....
                         I'm in love with your words


                                      But.....
                               Not with you!