Angry because we were in the same room
And you couldn’t even look in my direction...
At me, and you knew,
It was me

I’m so tired and frustrated
I
I’m sad its come to this
My mother forced to greet your solemn face
Shake her hand like you used to, please.

Why did your dad steal your warmth?
What’s happening?
You’re hurting me,
Something that I never would’ve expected

I’m on the verge of tears,
Angsty
Just thinking about it
Thinking about you and all of it

Come back, I beg
I’ll still try to save you
And maybe we’ll fall again

10.28.18

The hurt behind my mom’s words
I call you mommy, aren’t I too old?
No, I will never be.
Because you will always love me.
At least that’s how it should be...
But your headaches are dissolving your sweetness along with your common sense.
That’s why I cried in the doctor’s line.
Your sharp words and accusations have been brewing
But I try to forgive
I’ve tried, I promise.
I try to understand my mother’s migraines.

Sometimes they crash down and the waves take me with them.
Like a tsunami, it’s unexpected.
You usually know the signs, but once it starts, there’s no changing it.
There’s no going back, it’s not a choice.
It’s just a deadly fight against nature and water and time...
I always come up for air before it’s too late, but with my eyes closed, I don’t know up from down.
Am I plunging into the depths or rising towards the horizon?
I don’t know...
I’m just swimming.

A smile graced my face for the first time in a while
I saw the city and stood both in the darkness and the fire
I know my path, the same one that was written time before me
I know it’s meant to be, I’ve read the signs and productivity

A middle-aged couple
Stares out their front window
Happily watching the workers
Busy on their front lawn, digging a hole.

They had lived in this neighborhood
For three years
With their three precious daughters,
The family dog, and only two trees.

The mother would often complain
Because the houses looked bare
The father was sad,
Said the air was stale.

But they know well that each day that brings a trial
Brings a blessing, too.
Today, the dog is barking
And there's plenty of work to do.

Still, they smile.
Because today they get a brand new tree.

It was a color that I’ve never seen before
I knew that it existed, but not like this
It was an attraction that you couldn’t miss
Because our mouths met and we literally kissed
I’m glad that I felt it in my dreams, atleast
Because I can open my eyes and try to see it in real life

i’m
      in
          a
             state
of
            lucidity,

dreaming
                      e
     ­              n
                     D
                       l
                       e
                         s
                      s
                       l
                         y      
of
   company.

I am a heavyweight
I carry heavy weights
I can lift heavy weights
I own these heavy weights
I am over these heavy weights
I will banish these heavy weights
I am more than these heavy weights

It’s in the silence
And between the laughs.
It’s right before bed
And when you’re waiting somewhere.
When you’re tired, hungry, or bored...
It creeps into the
Minutes,
Seconds,
Moments...
That you’re not distracted.
And most of all,
It comes when you’re alone.
(It’s right here.)

you say a cuss word in your head and then you watch something that’ll hurt you and
then you blame everyone else for things you’ve done
you’re not doing well in school because you’re lazy
you’re so lonely, but you’ll never tell a soul then you want them to feel guilty for not noticing
but you hide your pain on purpose
you think that people hate you and they probably do
you’re being reckless for no reason
your emotions are too heavy for the situation
you write poems for attention
you used to follow your head but now you follow your broken heart
when you need help you don’t ask for it
your greatest downfall is lust
and now you’re nauseous because of how disgusting you’ve become

I feel so ugly
I avoid mirrors and
Distract myself with 'responsibilities'
In hopes that maybe I won't remember
What I look like for one day

I feel so ugly
I'd rather play with my dog than be 'out there'
He'll never have a look in his eyes
Or word in his mouth
Laced with judgment
Or honesty

I feel so ugly
I stare at old pictures
And cry
Because I always thought I wasn't
Beautiful
Even when I was

I feel so ugly
I reject their love
When I remember I'm in this body
I remind myself
That they are all probably lying

I feel so ugly
When I speak,
I surprise myself
Because hearing my voice
Reminds me
Of this body
That is
oh so ugly.

I’m tired of bodies and thinking
I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of restricting.
Sometimes the weight bears lighter, but today I was undeniably human
So animalistic,
So human.

I’m stuck in the backroads I walked
Many years ago
Because there’s no need to grow up
So now it hurts to wake
And hurts to go to sleep
The only thing keeping me alive
Is the chance of a better me

I am obsessed with technology.
The noises from other people's lives are just loud enough to drown out my own.
The bright lights give my eyes something better to look at then this eternal mess I've created.
The videos distract me just long enough to survive into the next day instead of becoming another casualty of this world.
The people give me hope that there's something better out there, that if I can hold on a bit longer, something good might happen.
So yes, I am utterly o-b-s-e-s-s-e-d with technology.

I love him and I worry about him
I wonder if he’s in good health
Or whether he’s found someone new
Is he in need of a friend?
Is he back at school?
His whole world was disrupted,
But my world is distorted
So I couldn’t be the good friend
When it was needed.

Sweet boy turned sour,
Like the flavor you left
I’m not sure whose fault this is...
Is it bad if I’m too clingy?
Is it considered clingy to hold on tight if you don’t want to lose someone?
I'm slightly emptier knowing that you’re
Doing okay without me.
Friend,
That’s what I still regard you as
And, sweet boy, I always will
But if you ignore me forever
I’m afraid that it’ll hurt more than I can bear.

Music enters through my ears and floods my body.
It's too much to bear,
It's honest and raw.
The emotions penetrate my soul, leaving it cut and exposed.
Do I lay on the ground and let the current wash over me,
Leaving me cold, but fresh
Vulnerable but new?
Or do I close my eyes and refuse?

I am living in a capsule
I am shielded from outside forces,
hurting
pain
and
sallow emotions

these are orange

I am shielded by this boundary
that my mind constructed
A prisoner to my own ways
forever defending me
from your
rude
and stabbing
jagged jars

and your

sharp
and jarring
warnings

these are red

it may sound nice
that I am immune

this is blue

But the privilege of the good emotions
all the
warm
and happy
delicious laughs

which are yellow

I no longer have

because I am a prisoner
of cause and effect-
you cause and I deflect

Now I am an outsider on the inside
forever watching all the colors
as they
bounce off my capsule wall.

I’m happy, it’s okay!
The sadness is a part of me
But genuine smiles cover over it.
I know I’ll be sad eventually... For one moment,
One hour,
One day.
Maybe even a month,
But it’s okay...
That’s life and I accept it.
Okay.
This is me and I accept it.

why,

why does life come in waves?

it’s either the white sea foam,

salty, bubbles, calm

or

the tsunami,

flooding, crashing, drowning.

~