why,

why does life come in waves?

it’s either the white sea foam,

salty, bubbles, calm

or

the tsunami,

flooding, crashing, drowning.

~

Why can’t I go to sleep?
When I do it just repeats.
“I don’t care if you don’t like this beat
It’s what I think, it’s me, it’s me,”
She said to herself in her bed.
I’m fighting against myself
The battle turned into a war,
And I’m not afraid, I’m just worried
Worried about being a warrior.  
I fight all day, my soul is tired
But I don’t let myself rest when the time is best or when it expires
The night falls but my heartbeat rises,
Racing thoughts run circles in my head.
My head, my bed.
My brain is inside of my head.
My head is part of me.
Aren’t we all just a brain in a cage?
Tonight the cage is electric,
Nothing soothes the rage or stops the sizzling pain.
I’m numb to the zap of the cold, hard metal.
I want to lay in a field of sage,
Lay me among the wildflowers.
I’ve never seen blue sky or blinding light,
At least not in the night.
The moon shines, but not enough for me!
This perfect creation isn’t bright enough for me!
At least not in the night...
I will lay my head when all this passes
I’ll wander off to sleep
And the next time I come to bed,
It will just repeat.

shifty bones under skin,
wires rubbing against it
blood pumping, flowing,
eyes heavy and weak
mind sending hormones
to send electric messages
all blurring together to
form uncomfortable existence

I wish I could go back and say sorry
I’m still young, and back then I was even dumber
Forgive me for things I’ve said,
Because hindsight is 20/20
But most of all,
Forgive me for things I did
And maybe the guilt will go away

I’m afraid
To go somewhere I have the right
I’m afraid
That someone will threaten my life
So many people have passed away
At the hand of another shooting
But at 16, should I be afraid
That the next one could be me?

my face goes weak
my heart goes numb
because if i were self-aware
in these little moments,
the fake laughter
would be, oh
so obvious.

If it’s not new,
I don’t want it
Because things change
And I hate it
2012 is kinda painful
And if you’re dead,
I hate to listen
Cuz it’s honestly
So sad

It’s funny cuz I got jealous of your best friend
And I got mad when you were jealous of mine,
But it’s because we want to be together or else be alone.
No sharing.
So here we are,
Sharing feelings between us,
But never saying it.
And we will do that for a while longer
I think.

I’m lazy, not depressed
That’s why I lay in bed all day
My room is a mess
And my limbs don’t work anymore
I’m lazy, not depressed
I’m sad because I’m irresponsible
I cry because I’m guilty,
I don’t cry because I’m depressed
I cry because I’m lazy.
That’s all I’ll ever be
No one said that to me
But actions are more than speak

i used to leave myself scarred,
torn apart on my bedroom floor
too much inner noise to hear your words
when i reached the limit,
self-sabotage.

they think that chicken soup
for the human soul
can cure me,
but I am vegetarian.

I want to be an enigma
I want the words to fall out of my head
And into your hand
Or maybe into nothingness,
That would be better
I’m begging to feel nothing
And I’m dying to feel something
Just let me disappear, God
Let me fade away
For Forever
~

Red, I feel red.
I feel like
Comptine d'un Autre été: L'Après-Midi
Blue, I feel blue.
I feel like
Victor’s Piano Solo
Green, I feel green.
I feel like
To Build A Home
Orange, I feel like orange.
I feel like
Wicked Game
Yellow, I feel like yellow.
I feel like
idon’twannabeyouanymore
Black, I feel like black.
I feel like
Free The Animal
Purple, I feel like purple.
I feel like
Leave Me Alone (feat. Caitlin Henry)
~

When did lies become the promise
And tears become a certainty - ?

I own a heart                  
                     Dark and pumping
It helps
        And it hurts.                                                           It’s near to me
It’s always here

                 Blue and red flashes,
Flesh.  
Blood red.
                                             Soul.

If I hit rewind,
If I just start over,
Would I actually be happy?
Or would I just find another thing to fret about?
Life isn’t about perfection,
But about finding the good in the imperfect.

I cannot read between the lines
You own them,
For they are not mine
To twist and turn and compromise
So tell me, do you think it's wise
To make me read between the lines?

I just want to run away
From problems
Feelings
Responsibilities
Truths
I want to run and never stop
Run and never look back.
No time for regrets...
Not now.
Not ever.

Cancer free
Cancer free
My old best friend is cancer free
He didn't share his cancer with me
The cancer that was in his knee
We passed the hospital at three
And my heart had anxiety
But there was cancer in his knee
And no more room was left for me.

You’ve left your mark on a broken heart,
On a whirlwind of a girl.
She knows that she’s unstable,
But she considered you her world.
She thinks about you randomly
And digs herself a hole,
So later she can sleep in it
And rest her hurting soul.

I don’t know what love is but I’ve tasted it before. I’ve danced this dance with you a thousand times. The dreaming took place, no matter the hour as I imagined your head next to mine. I’ve tried to forget you and your boundless warmth and I’ve tried to resist the desire to reach. But I’m afraid that you’ve slipped from me, my life, and my grip, leaving only saudade behind. You won’t remember me in her arms. “Do you miss me?” I think in the dark. “Do you think of me, even at all?” —

I was allowed discharge after one year of progress,
And after a few measly weeks, I’m going back.
I don’t feel like a failure,
I’m just frustrated.
I thought that maybe the uphill battle would finally mellow out, but I’m getting bad again.
So I’m going to pick up the phone before I lose function,
Make and appointment,
And regress a few weeks.
But that’s okay,
Because recovery is not a straight line.

Humble on a mirror
Is something you won’t find
Because humble is a virtue
That people hide inside

Why are you the missing person in my life when you were never there at all?
The lost love, missing lyric, heart breaker.
I took one look at you and forever I was left: Hoping Dreaming Loving Begging Missing Wanting Needing you.
To touch you, hold you, have you...  Atleast one dose would have me satisfied.
But our paths diverted.
Maybe if I was braver
Maybe if you were stronger
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
We’d be together and I’d be addicted,
but
I’d never be missing you again.

You push me up against the wall,
Because our love is bound to fall.
But you know what you can’t do?
You can’t save it.
You put your hands around my hips,
A taste of bitter guilt.
Your lips, my lips—
We kiss.
It’s the last time I’ll do this.
It’s over, that’s for sure.
A disaster? I don’t think so.
I’m walking out the door.
I know you’ll never find me.
You know that we’re done for.

Instead of getting angry
Instead of being sad
She read some books
And lived the lives
that other people had.

Mother hold me tighter,
I feel a bit cold
I wish you’d look at me longer
So you’d see the gold in my deep brown eyes
Stroke my hair and sing me to sleep
So I can be the child that I never got to be
If you held my hand,
Maybe I would feel less lonely
And if you kissed me I would feel less broken
Is it too much to ask for a tender word?
A loving touch?
A knowing nod?
I want advice only a mother would know
Teach me your ways
Share your gifts
Give me things other than clothes
Spend a few hours by my side
Hear my laugh, see me smile
Maybe then I could confide in my mother
My only mother
My dearest mother