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Why can’t I go to sleep?
When I do it just repeats.
“I don’t care if you don’t like this beat
It’s what I think, it’s me, it’s me,”
She said to herself in her bed.
I’m fighting against myself
The battle turned into a war,
And I’m not afraid, I’m just worried
Worried about being a warrior.  
I fight all day, my soul is tired
But I don’t let myself rest when the time is best or when it expires
The night falls but my heartbeat rises,
Racing thoughts run circles in my head.
My head, my bed.
My brain is inside of my head.
My head is part of me.
Aren’t we all just a brain in a cage?
Tonight the cage is electric,
Nothing soothes the rage or stops the sizzling pain.
I’m numb to the zap of the cold, hard metal.
I want to lay in a field of sage,
Lay me among the wildflowers.
I’ve never seen blue sky or blinding light,
At least not in the night.
The moon shines, but not enough for me!
This perfect creation isn’t bright enough for me!
At least not in the night...
I will lay my head when all this passes
I’ll wander off to sleep
And the next time I come to bed,
It will just repeat.
Sep 6 · 72
julianna Sep 6
My whole life has been
It’s hard-wired into me.
But that much tension is fragile.
That’s why I’m easy to break.
Sep 6 · 357
ask for help
julianna Sep 6
They say you’re never alone
And the people I love say they’re always there for me.
Then why am I laying here, lonely, cold?
I could talk
I could text
I could ask for help
But, what would I say?
Would I even feel better?
The questions churn around in my head for so long that I become numb to the idea of finding out the answers.
So I’ll just lay here until tomorrow, keep to myself.
I’ll lay here,
Alone with my thoughts,
But alone.
Sep 6 · 39
september 1st, 1989
julianna Sep 6
this life is a fraud
people lie all the time
they live that way, too
18 was supposed to be
much more than this
at least that’s what
they told me.
yet here I am,
Sep 6 · 19
I don’t understand
julianna Sep 6
If I killed myself tonight,
Would this stabbing pain inside my soul go away?
Would you have regrets?
Would you want to be close to me?
If I died, would you want to be away from me?
Then why do you say these things that make me cry...
You love me, but then why does it hurt
You hurt me
And I’m not going to end it
But I wish something would change

Something has to change.
Sep 6 · 34
I wish I had a friend
julianna Sep 6
I wish a had a friend
Someone kind and silly
Innocent yet troublesome
Beautiful, unknowingly so
I wish I had someone to giggle with
To be like a sister
To be a listening ear
Without judgement
Without jealousy
Just a friend.
might delete later
Aug 30 · 30
Between the Silence
julianna Aug 30
I find solace in being busy
Once I find the quiet
It’s like Tyler said, it’s violent
I fill my life with noise
To drown out the voice in my head
What ugliness lies between the silence?
Do I want to find out?
julianna Aug 25
I’m spiraling,
Stuck in the void,
At the end of the universe,
Drifting dark,
Then a voice snaps me back
To the light...
But I am blind.
Aug 21 · 133
julianna Aug 21
I think I’m cool...
Some say I’m golden
But I really feel invisible.
I give,
But it feels more like it’s taken from me.
I need someone to see me,
Really see me.
See me for who I am,
My quirks,
My likes,
My favorite song and the way I dance when no one is looking.
Those closest to me feel “close enough”
So I need someone to cross the line
And become closest to me.
Once I’m warmed by them,
I might feel golden.
Aug 2 · 72
julianna Aug 2
i used to leave myself scarred,
torn apart on my bedroom floor
too much inner noise to hear your words
when i reached the limit,
Aug 2 · 328
julianna Aug 2
I’m a little sad, I hate to admit it.
I’ve worked so hard and I’m happy.

But sometimes I’m not.

And it’s hard to accept
That due to no fault of my own,
I can become sad sometimes.

And now I’m sitting in it.

But I’ll get used to it.
Aug 2 · 21
The Cavern
julianna Aug 2
I listen,
And it takes me back.
“A little while longer,”
I tell myself.
And although I hold onto hope,
Sometimes I let myself slip through the cracks
Of this endless cycle of dreams, deaths, and everything in between.
movements August 1
Jul 11 · 53
julianna Jul 11
positivity is being slow...
in a slew of good and bad,
opposing moments
roll through my brain
and every day
i pick and choose:
and every day
I feel the pain of
better days
that’s haven’t happened
May 29 · 264
julianna May 29
i hate to be on the sidelines
and watch you suffer.
so many things are keeping us apart.
my hand is stretching,
yet my reach is too short.
May 24 · 178
bloom of youth
julianna May 24
Too young to be in love
But my heart beats faster when I see you
I will wait for our love to be accepted
No matter how long it takes
May 21 · 76
Rainy In May
julianna May 21
I may be thinking of you, but it might just be the weather
It might be the food, the music, or the talk
No matter what it is,
I see you in my head
I hear your voice
I say your name
There’s so much more we could have. But is it the right choice?
Am I brave enough to try?
May 11 · 276
julianna May 11
I’ve had a lot of time to think lately, like most of us have.
I’ve had time to sit with myself, see myself through others’ eyes.
Am I really pretty?
Yes, look, there in that big, bright smile.
Those cheeks that are finally flourishing, they’re beautiful!
Your eyes, mouth, hair... unique, stunning.
And yes!
The body that brought you years of pain and sorrow because it didn’t fit a unrealistic mold...
It’s soft, shapely, something to look at. Womanly and natural.
This body that I have, it’s mine.
I have grown to accept it after years of self-hatred...
I’ve progessed this far and I won’t stop.
Next time you look in the mirror, look at yourself with kindness.
If not with kindness, then with forgiveness.
If not with forgiveness, then with mercy.
Give yourself a chance...
You are worth much more than you know.
May 11 · 90
I wish
julianna May 11
I wish...
That what other people wanted,
  I also always wanted
Because then I would never have to choose Between being selfless and being myself.
Apr 25 · 80
• Lines •
julianna Apr 25
I walk a fine line in life...
I could avoid stepping on the cracks,
Tip toe in silence
Follow the rules
Try to be perfect
And ask,
“What the hell is wrong with me?”
When I don’t get it right
Or maybe
I could pick flowers
Skip on the sidewalk
Color outside the lines, sometimes
And finally be okay with getting my hands *****.
Apr 25 · 54
ice cold
julianna Apr 25
I rummaged around the attic and found emptiness
I pass the hours by filling my head with other people’s voices
Because silence is ice cold
They say it gets better
But here I am, frozen solid ~
julianna Apr 20
how much we love someone
depends on how much
we love the person we are
when we are around them
Apr 15 · 152
Everything is bad;
julianna Apr 15
Everything is bad
My brain hurts
My thoughts are painful
My brows are tense
My jaw is tight
My heart is fluttering
Everything is me
Apr 14 · 443
julianna Apr 14
I’ve waited for you
But now I’m just waiting
Wanting indefinitely
I’m uncertain
I long for more
Because this life isn’t true
This life isn’t what I live for
Apr 14 · 93
When August Comes
julianna Apr 14
I want someone to hold my hands
Warm my soul like a flame
I miss your face, skin, warmth
Get me excited for life
Or just get me out of bed
I’m tired of blue light and bright screens
Foggy eyes and groggy thoughts
I want to see the Sun
And your smile
Let me reach out and touch you
Maybe when August comes we’ll be better
We’ll make it there together
Quarantine wishes
julianna Mar 25
I’m so much bigger now.
I’ve grown into a young woman.
You were my brother and it honestly hurt when you left without a trace.
I was just a child.
I felt abandoned.

I saw your profile today...
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to request your friendship, your attention, your acknowledgment of my existence.

But things are different now,
I’ve learned a lot.
And I know you’ve done the same.

What name should I call you by?
I’m unsure.
Are you still the old you?
The person I knew?
Or are you him? The one I never met?

Please know that I still love you.
We’re not friends, but I still love you.
Mar 25 · 173
Letters I Never Sent
julianna Mar 25
I miss you so much, it’s unbearable.
You are much more than just a friend to me.
I love you.
I’ve wanted to tell you that for a very long time... Years, actually.
Please tell me you love me, too.
I can’t imagine my life without you.
I don’t even want to try, I know it’s impossible.
You’re everything I could possibly want.
You’re the only one I see,
The only one.

I hope you get this letter one day...
Mar 13 · 331
sea foam // tsunami
julianna Mar 13

why does life come in waves?

it’s either the white sea foam,

salty, bubbles, calm


the tsunami,

flooding, crashing, drowning.

Feb 20 · 125
julianna Feb 20
I wait for your reply
I am a puppy dog
Seemingly naive to the time passing by
But the tick-tock rattles to my very teeth
Please undo the collar
Unbuckle my leash
I wag when you enter, cry when you leave
What else could you want from me?
I need attention
I want to run free
Or, you could give me some affection...
Just hit send
And that would put my suffering to an end
julianna Feb 18
Give me the one that hurts
I can take the pain
I promise I’ll bite my tongue
I promise I won’t complain
If you beat me blue,
My heart will beat red
I’ll bend till’ I break
I’ll bend till’ I break
I’ll cover my scars,
Like good girls do and
Speak to the darkness there
I want to hurt
And dream of you,
Scream your name
Conceal the bruises
I’ll bend till I break
I dream while lying awake
If I’m besides you,
I’ll never love another
Your self-destructing prophecy
In it, please include me
Inspired by the song Bend till I Break by Maria Mena. I explored this feeling that I get when I really like someone, a determination, a flame that buckle down and endure  any heartbreak that may face me if I pursue a relationship with them. And I explored it to this masochistic extent. So  please don’t take this literally.
Feb 12 · 118
julianna Feb 12
I won’t stop until I make you mine
If I wear eyeliner, will my blinking eyes catch your attention?
If my lips are lined with red will you want to kiss them?
I’ll bleach my smile, curl my hair
Buy new sweaters, and a nice blue dress
I won’t give up for the rest of time
I won’t stop until I make you mine
I may edit this later
Feb 8 · 69
wrong side of town
julianna Feb 8
You should be on this side of the city,
On this side of town
Instead of away from me...
I want your arms around me
I want to hold your hand
Interlocking fingers
But you’re in the wrong side of town
Feb 3 · 159
Eighteen, Part 1
julianna Feb 3
Feb 3 · 394
julianna Feb 3
I would die for you.
Take a bullet,
Walk through fire,
Jump out of a car
For you
I wish you felt this way,

Feb 3 · 317
i love you
julianna Feb 3
it’s 2 am
a world I never get to see
i’d stay up all night for you
i love you
julianna Feb 3
I have sterile hands and a fragile heart
Tired eyes and heavy limbs
Stony stare and limp lip
I couldn’t want you anymore
And now I’m stuck staring at my bathroom floor
I’m a slave to your magnetic charm
A ****** for your magic smile
All these years, I thought I had a monopoly on your attention...
But now you’re hugging her
And I’m catatonic
julianna Jan 19
It let go.
I struggled out of its pale, bony fingers...
I doubted and contemplated other means of escape, but I kept fighting,
Never giving up.
***** fingernails, bitten raw,
Was what I saw when it grabbed me in the hallways many years ago.
But I never stopped trying to break free.
I scratched, kicked, and screamed!
I scratched and hit,
And the blood of the hands just poured   Down,
Red thick blood.
And it laughed. It laughed in my face.
When this happens, don’t be startled or scared. Don’t give up.
Because when it laughs, it’s in pain. And
It let go.
A month ago, maybe two.
Maybe yesterday or tomorrow,..
I stopped keeping track.
But I’ve finally been able to smile
Without the sadness holding onto me.
You’ll get there too.
Jan 19 · 232
julianna Jan 19
                  they give and take, right?
             i’ve been seeing more
I’m seeing the pieces fall into place. Finally.
Jan 15 · 87
Thankful Heart
julianna Jan 15
The gentle tapping of my heart
It’s light, lively in the most literal sense
The moments in which I can drown out the noise ,
That’s when I can reflect
On the generosity and kindness I’ve been shown
It’s still beating, my heart
And I should be grateful
I am.
This isn’t deep, it’s just what I’m thinking.
Dec 2019 · 133
julianna Dec 2019
It’s the feeling of knowing
Someone’s name,
Their favorite color,
How many siblings they have,
And their mothers face.
While they might see your face and
“Haven’t I seen them before?”
Dec 2019 · 192
julianna Dec 2019
What can I say?
It’s so sad to see him so thin
Addicted to that
And addicted to this
He needs to be healthy,
And happy,
And “fat”
All that I’d like is for him to be back.
Nov 2019 · 128
julianna Nov 2019
Spin me ‘round
Watch me fall
See me fail
Tired tired
It won’t stop
I keep spinning
‘Round the clock
Hungry hungry
Time to eat
I can’t get off
Of this seat
Seeing colors
Hearing sounds
All I do
Is spin around
julianna Nov 2019
i saw you in the dark.
someone reminded me of you last night.
it's like a drug,
dreaming of you.
i want to move on with every fibre of me
yet i lack the strength to forget you.
down deep,
i hope we'll find each other again
and we'd live the life i made
in my head.
julianna Nov 2019
I look in the mirror
and see what isn’t there
My nose, my hips, my hair
I want to be pretty
Not see what isn’t there
My eyes, my teeth, my chest
I don’t want to meet my eyes
I’m ashamed of that I’ll find
I want to be pretty
Not see what I don’t find
My arms, my back, my legs
My feet, my hands, my face
I look into the mirror
I want to feel pretty
I want to see inside myself
Not see what isn’t there
Nov 2019 · 110
New Car
julianna Nov 2019
Stupid cats scratched the car
The only good thing that happened to us
In months
Nov 2019 · 504
Lover’s Dilemma
julianna Nov 2019
The age old dilemma,

Turning black and blue

To make our hearts beat

Nov 2019 · 163
julianna Nov 2019
Hospital walls
Make me
Want to fall over
Get attention and
It’s selfish
But I’m desperate
Maybe they’ll
Admit me
julianna Nov 2019
She is not afraid of the big things.
She jumps at an opportunity to change her life into something more exciting.
But she’s afraid of the little things; Glances, words, exhales, first impressions.
Stuff that no one else seems to worry about, yet she has spent years nit-picking and resenting the moments, feelings, and people who have passed her by.
Because she has merely been too afraid to hold onto them. Too afraid to move on.
And now she lives a life of coexistent inconsistencies.
Nov 2019 · 227
fake laughter
julianna Nov 2019
my face goes weak
my heart goes numb
because if i were self-aware
in these little moments,
the fake laughter
would be, oh
so obvious.
You know when you don’t click with someone? And you have to pretend...?
Nov 2019 · 177
julianna Nov 2019
I want to be an enigma
I want the words to fall out of my head
And into your hand
Or maybe into nothingness,
That would be better
I’m begging to feel nothing
And I’m dying to feel something
Just let me disappear, God
Let me fade away
For Forever
Oct 2019 · 194
Mind Reader
julianna Oct 2019
I can’t be a mind reader,
Tell me what you mean
I don’t understand the language that you speak
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