Monsters don’t exist
Still, we are very afraid
Because we made them

What would you do if you saw a girl spending pennies and pearls on food?
She gobbles it up and then she barfs, which she thinks makes her feel good.
Later that night, with her conscious she'll fight as the guilt eats her for lunch
But she'll never tell of the story where of she went to after brunch.

I have a parasite.
It's called perfectionism
It causes me to have overwhelming brain spasms
When you ask me to do something out of my
"comfort zone"
If I try to do it, I have to battle against the parasite.
It says things like:
"This is too hard."
"Give up, it's easier."
"You don't care about this!"
I'm practicing self-soothing methods,
Ways to drown out the little parasite's
Nagging voice.
It is difficult.
It is hard.
But I am stronger, I am the host.

There are days
That I look in the mirror and see
An unfamiliar face
There’s a disconnect and I’m
Dissociative.
I know it’s me,
But it feels all so strange
To not feel anything at all.
There are off days
When I speak to people
And I feel nothing from their eyes
They’re just empty and I’m
Dissociative.
You want to have some emotion
But frankly,
There’s none there
Because a glass wall has arisen
Between you and the world
And that’s
Dissociative.
Like the time I was walking
And it was a movie all around me
No depth,
Just a two dimensional view
I was
Dissociative.
Or that time that I was floating
In the top right of my body
As only my concious,
Looking down on myself
Because I was
Dissociative.

Skinny skinny
Thin and skinny
Shrink me down and make me skinny
Exercise or just don’t eat
Run until the furthest street
Why do I always feel this way?
Something’s wrong inside my brain,
It only matters what I weigh.
Skinny skinny
Thin and skinny
Shrink me down and make me skinny

We refuse to be comforted
Because those who were meant
to comfort us
Hurt us the most

And it was
iN that split  
secOnd that i was
Rather weak.
Eating no longer  
seemed an eXit, but instead
as If it was so, so,
Aimless to do.

I push you away
And cry all the while
I act like I’m happy
The art of a smile.

Oh, when the pain comes rolling back in.
Like the red tide.

It kills.

~
There’s been this weight on my shoulder,
Like a strike system:

Every time I do something that
I tell myself is “wrong,”
I add to this invisible weight.

Now, as it’s becoming too heavy to bear,
I realize that the only thing I’ve done wrong is punish myself for being human.  
And it’s time to stop.

Stop.

Maybe it’s time to rethink
my notion of “wrongs”
And believe in the idea that
it’s okay to be imperfect.

So with these words, I finally
relinquish this burden.
I will not hold on to futility and
self-inflicted pain.
I will not spend the rest of my years in hurting in needless guilt.
I am letting go...

And I will be okay.
~

Pain
And suffering
And evaporated tears
And razor blades
And laxative teas
And skinny jeans
And diet pills
And angry words
And impulsive decisions
And lies
And bleeding lines
And swollen wrists
And puffy eyes
And long sleeves
And stay-in-bed-all-day days
And avoid-the-crowd-for-days days
And won’t-mind-getting-hit-by-a-car days
And bitten tongues
And sad songs
And bleach shots
And fake Instagram posts
And living through YouTube videos
And fasting
And failing
And then no longer caring
And feeling like it’s all over
And then doing it all over,
All / Over /Again

my camera hadn't moved
but the lenses did
just like my eyes hadn't shifted
but my mind would continue
to follow
my soul
as it flew
out the window
of the padded room

It hurts.
Not in the hellish,
****-myself-kind-of-way,
But in the way a muscle does when you over extert it
It burns.
When my mind sparks, it catches,
and burns.

I'm being bled dry.
The water turns a drip-drip
Over the edge.
My squirming,
Twisted mermaid legs
Shrivel in pain
I'm ugly and deformed.
I gave all I had to give.
So I'm bleeding
And screaming
In this bathtub prison,
But no one will find me here.

Touching things can make me nervous
Doing things can make me scared
I stay up til’ the morning
And then pretend like I care

mooɿ γm oɈni ʞlɒw υoγ ʇI
,ɿoɿɿim ɘʜɈ ni ϱniɿɒɈƨ m’I bnA
.ɘd ƨυ ɘvɒɘ⅃

Take me gentle,
With a sip of water
Because sometimes I don’t smile enough
Take me gentle,
With a grain of salt
Because my edges can be rough
Take me gentle,
Please my dear
I never mean any harm
Take me gentle,
Take me sweet
And you will earn my love.

Depression is like a static
You don’t know where is starts
You don’t know where is begins
It’s just the noise
White noise
Nothing else but empty noise

I’m constantly fronting
My mask is a smile
I push you away
And cry all the while.

Is 17 too soon?
I don’t think I’m ready
I look nothing like her
Or what I thought.

Another dream as part of the treatment
In all reality, it feels like a torture
If they only knew what the beeps brought on...
The left-right, dream-inducing,
cadence,
Tells my brain what to process;
And it’s always you.
If it hurts that much, is it healing?
Or bleeding out and re-peeling?
It’s the second dream since the therapy
On the second day since the therapy.
And oh,
It felt better the first time.
The one where he thought I was weird,
Because it’s more realistic.
But in the one about you,
I got everything I’d ever wanted
Which hurts
And aches
And hollows one out.
It leaves nerves fried
And teary eyes
And palpating hearts.
Because there’s no room to grow,
No room left to dream.
It’s given me an eye to see what we could have been
And feel how good it would’ve been.
And now I know and long for those  feelings.
And I think I always will,
Because I’ll never forget what I’ve dreamed.

Spinning metal hoop
The beauty starts with pain
Learn man in the moon,
Advance to double elbow hang.

It hurts behind the knees,
The first time is the hardest
Your hands get callus-y
But you’ll feel like such an artist.

White chalk will dust your hair
And after class you’re stiff,
But first time in the air,
And you’ll always have that aerial itch.

Time is unmeasurable.
It goes so fast,
Except for when it goes too slow.
Like last week, I felt out of control,
And
Today felt as if it was never ending.