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my body is in two different directions

almost like it wants to split apart

i catch myself thinking of the past more often now

i've stopped following my own advice
Elise Jackson Jun 28
many different sounds can cause someone to go mad
i didn't think that a few seconds of eye contact could feel like hours
or if it would make my bones crumble

i used to hate the silence
i used to have to distract myself at every waking moment
just so the panic wouldn't settle in

but now it's the ticking clock
the loud. spinning fan
the noises that sound murderous

and vain
Apr 22 · 123
anything but zeus
Elise Jackson Apr 22
it doesn't matter how much time passes
if someone is really that bad
they stay that way

no matter how many changes they say they'll make
no matter how many chances you give
no matter what they've done and it's severity

you can't save everyone
you can't tell them enough to make them listen
you have to let them go eventually
Feb 11 · 168
keep it together
Elise Jackson Feb 11
i was such a fool
such an idiot for thinking that you'd protect me

you were foaming at the mouth
eyes glistening
like oil on the pavement

slick
pitch black
always wide open
just to watch me fail

waiting for any instance
where i let you in
if i slip up and let my guard down

how selfish do you have to be
to find life through others
who didn't deserve to die to keep you alive

and i won't be among the casualties
Jan 20 · 375
aristocrat inquires
Elise Jackson Jan 20
since when has a stranger's life been yours
something for you to emotionally invest in
what are you looking for
where do you think this will lead you

are you praying for a negative outcome
are you wishing for something to make you right
why are you trying so hard to prove this
what kind of merit will this bestow onto you

i just want to know
why you think this is any of your life
why do you think you're entitled to its' knowledge
and why is it so detrimental that you disagree with it


maybe i should know better than to ask these questions
Oct 2018 · 271
unfortunate aphantasia
Elise Jackson Oct 2018
i didn't come to you for salvation
i didn't enter the circle to be saved
i was lost

i was looking for a leader
i was looking for advice
i was looking for directions

but now you tell me that the moon will deceive me
the sun will destroy me

the heavy heartbeat in the back of my mind
doesn't make me want to come back
because i know you want that more than anything else

and i don't owe you anything
Sep 2018 · 190
cherry soda
Elise Jackson Sep 2018
lips red
eyes glossy
heart beating
tired of the things you cannot control
feeling like a failure

but what you don't know
is that you're the voice that tells me no
you're the person that lets me know
that no matter how hard things become
that i will always pull through

because what i can achieve
is up to me
it's in my hands

and i'm always in your thoughts
or so you say
Elise Jackson Jul 2018
i.
it's the look of realization and protection in a crowded place
the look of understanding from across a white lined table
its the brush of fingers when we're too close
or maybe not close enough

it's when you're dying to pull away from this reality
and dive into another one
that i agree and almost take your hand to follow
but it's not that easy


ii.
it's not hard to realize that you have my back
it's not hard to understand that those eyes of yours
are meant to look after me


iii.
sometimes i notice that you want to say something
when you look away from giving me the longing gaze of escape
like something's forcing your throat to close

is it the regret of not saying enough
is it the knowledge of the power that your words hold
is it me

just say it like you mean it
say something
say anything
i long for your voice in the dark, when it's blistering and i cannot breathe. where the creatures of the night can find me.
Jul 2018 · 199
crush me up into a powder.
Elise Jackson Jul 2018
it's nice to share that feeling with another person
the feeling of uncertainty
not knowing whether i'm going to wake up tomorrow

it's a nightly ceremony
laid out across the floor
right in front of the tv

vhs static echoes through the rooms
a transformative light dancing on my shoulders

it's more like a funeral these days
because tomorrow is always a myth
and so far i've been proven otherwise


but there's always the one chance



that i'm not
Elise Jackson Jun 2018
i find myself wishing for this feeling to come in familiar patterns
instead
it's erratic and various

it never comes the same as before
and it never lingers as long

but is that a sign that i'm getting better?
or is it a habit of ignoring it after a while?

at this point
i don't know anymore

i just feel entrapped by the fear of not being good enough
and the hollowness of not doing enough
Elise Jackson May 2018
i heard that you tell people to turn off
that song
when it happens to come on

did i ruin something for you?
did i bleed into everything you once enjoyed?
did i claw my way into your thoughts and make a home?

i hope that i did
because me ruining a song for you
is nothing quite like what you ruined for me
"you shouldn't let the fire take you over so easily."
May 2018 · 479
over it.
Elise Jackson May 2018
this house will never be my home as much i try to force it to be

its the remembrance of pieces of myself i've left in different places
that wakes me up from my dreams

its the hole they've left where my happiness used to be
that causes a migraine when i am alone

i've clawed at my skin to try to bind the hole shut
but nothing is strong enough to keep it that way

i've tried ripping up the roots of myself in those places
so that nothing of me is left

is it because those places don't deserve my memory
is it because the only reason that my roots are still grounded
is that i cannot let those places go

is it that i cannot change



it seems that all i can really do is let the previous roots die
and plant brand new ones in the places i never want to forget
May 2018 · 246
situationism.
Elise Jackson May 2018
im halfway there
fifty percent
almost

the feeling has peaked
you have come out of hiding again
it's refreshing to see the black and white lines that make you
how they bend and connect
how you breathe and recollect

i never miss you so, because i know you're always here
binding the parts of me that don't really fit together
making peace within my brain
and rest within my soul

i never see quite as clear as when i'm near you
Apr 2018 · 639
honey glow.
Elise Jackson Apr 2018
it is a violet hue
an indigo sky

something in the color you bring
that is harmonious
and glues all the pieces together

sometimes the glue remains wet
but time lets the wounds heal
and the glue finally dries

putting all the pieces of the puzzle together
revealing the larger family picture
something that makes sense to us

you are apart of the sense
the knowing
the teaching

it never hurts to continue learning
next time i see you, you'll show me a hundred different ways to say the same things.
Mar 2018 · 666
happy birthday.
Elise Jackson Mar 2018
i used to never understand why some didn't celebrate their birthdays
i guess now i do

which people do say that when you understand a new perspective
that it may be growth

but is it growth when i see that my own birthday is just another day
is it growth when i waste twelve hours of my birthday, sleeping

is it growth when i'm too worried about other people
when my birthday is supposed to be about me
march 18, 1998.
Feb 2018 · 263
vesper's goodbye
Elise Jackson Feb 2018
eight years is either a long time or a short time for something
some days it feels like there have only been a few days in between
it feels like a millennium on others

i think eight years is both good
short and long
for things to change
occur
begin

sure
a lot has changed for me in the past eight years
but sometimes it feels like nothing has
just a vast forest that never grows

some days i feel twelve again
others i feel that i'm eighty

but somehow certain things can stop me from feeling either
and make me feel good for just a few moments
and remind me that no matter where i go in life
i'll always have this moment
these things
that i used to die for and have moved on from

i'll always have them
and i'll always feel that way the first time i accessed them
nostalgia can be my enemy at times.
Jan 2018 · 229
failure
Elise Jackson Jan 2018
sometimes i look outside from the suffocating box i sleep in
the sun is usually out and keeping a watch on everyone
i just sit there
nothing changes
i usually still feel the empty parts of my body ache

sometimes it takes awhile for things to change
or at least that's what i try to believe
lately that hasn't been the thought

but what i seem to forget is that it's okay to stop
it's okay to stop something that's affecting me negatively


im not a nobody just because i quit something

i have more power quitting it than continuing it
Jan 2018 · 228
MMXVIII
Elise Jackson Jan 2018
i like that we're loud
despite all the noise complaints
and weird looks in the early mornings

when we drag ourselves to breakfast down the road
when we drag ourselves in from the freezing cold
or blistering heat

i like that we never leave a location singularly
that we're one large support group
that we're a hive

i like that we're powerful
when one of us hurts
it becomes everyone else's pain too

i like that we have each other no matter what
we don't let each other fall
we never let go

i don't think i'll ever let this go
Dec 2017 · 273
california doesn't suck
Elise Jackson Dec 2017
the golden hour often comes when we least expect it
but we pay it no attention and proceed
unaware and naive

i wake up more often than not with a sore tongue
sore from having to keep my mouth shut for so long
for even a single word can ruin so much of what i have

i feel the safest enclosed in a white box
enclosed in a larger box in the middle of the city
where the previous cannot find me

but eventually, sore feet drag me back to the place i dread the most

"welcome home."
Nov 2017 · 285
often villainized.
Elise Jackson Nov 2017
two sides
black and white
day and night

there's always the hidden third
but we rarely talk about him

he's quiet
soft
there to give us the truth
but what references does he have

what proof does he have

but what proof do we even have

we are always forced to follow one or the other
but when do we ever consider the third side

who is not the truth
but the realization that a lot of things are wrong
and we only point them out to each other when
it is relevant to the failure of others
Oct 2017 · 228
seven.
Elise Jackson Oct 2017
"countless nights of wandering thoughts
limited daylight of questioning and prose

a follower very trusted in our words that we built

she never told me no until it got bad

fire for fire
anger for anger

just how i am

and how i'd wish she wasn't

but this is where it ends


it's been seven days
and i have no hope

but i never really did


i know in a year from now she'll still be gone
and i'll still feel like ****"
excerpt from a certain piece of work, don't read into it too much; related to the "often" series on my page.
Oct 2017 · 351
often foggy.
Elise Jackson Oct 2017
it's odd that i find my way back to you in a dream

in a violet mist,
a storm of chemicals

sometimes it's repetitive
all i see are teeth,
dripping wet from black saliva and blood of
anyone that roams these leaves

but i know you can't touch me
because hurting me
hurts your assets

you'll hurt your chances at anything living
because deep down, somehow, i knew you were never alive


just an empty body in the middle of a clearing
like royalty
preserved while something else like you reigns
Oct 2017 · 301
nightlights
Elise Jackson Oct 2017
i believe that we'll always come back to each other in whatever colors we become

even when i'm scorching red and you're a soft green
even when you're a bold blue and i'm a deep yellow

even when we're two different shades of grey

even when i have rings in my nose and you have some around your neck

even when it's almost dawn and i can't keep my eyes open, but you're a sugar rush, bouncing your leg on the floor

neither of us can ever keep still
neither of us can ever keep something from each other



maybe that's why i know we'll always return to each other when we stray too far from the woods
Sep 2017 · 5.8k
your body is a weapon
Elise Jackson Sep 2017
crime, staring competitions, tears.

these small things that lead us further
into the fog, closer to the moths,
attached at the hip, nothing new.
nothing blue, always red.

your guitar rips through the
navy skyline, alerting the stars of war,
violet mornings creeping over the
trees as sleep envelops your eyes.
i've dreamed of something like
this, but i got more than i asked for.

i'd never go back.
i'd never go back to that place where you
don't exist, the dark, the damp, the treacherous.
becoming a threat, was the purple leaves and blinding snow.

but the next morning was lined with amnesia, we both forgave;

but we'll never forget.
Aug 2017 · 273
often purple.
Elise Jackson Aug 2017
there are always so many questions.
there are so many answers, but they never line up.

your atmosphere is humid, sticky.
repugnant.

in the belly of the forest is where you roam, sometimes i hear you calling for me.
calling for me to come back.

you tell me you're dying, but you always were.

"help me. i need you."

an ego to feed, a mental disorder to ignore.
a natural born leader, an attention seeker.

you relished when we called you god, you bathed in the fact that we followed your orders.

and i hate admitting that i believed you for so long.
i hate admitting that i trusted you.

you're nothing but the mud you lie in.

sticky.

repugnant.
Aug 2017 · 386
often red.
Elise Jackson Aug 2017
the silence becomes the loudest in the middle of the night when safety is no longer an option.

it becomes the enemy when you're trying to sleep, push everything away to get some peace.

it's the thing that turns you from blue to red in the blink of an eye.

turning you into a whole new mechanism.

an animated, drooling, beast of rage.



you can try to claw your way out, but there's always something in the way of getting rid of the revolting, wet, anger that boils in the cavity of your sternum.
Aug 2017 · 458
transparent oil spill
Elise Jackson Aug 2017
if i said that i wouldn't die for you, i'd be lying.
such a naive thing to say, i know.
but it's my honesty.
it's the rawest thing i can give you.
i'd **** for you, i'd do anything for you.

an open letter can become a treasure chest if you open it the right way.
a technicolor dream of gray, a projector screen of pink.
a hallucinogenic vision i dreamed about a year before i saw you.

this was meant to happen.
all of the things in my life have happened for so, all of this is supposed to happen.
i was always supposed to feel this way.
i do.
i have.
and i always will.

i don't believe most of the things she's said about you.
most, because somehow she'd like the truth to be told.
because you're wonderful, but she'd rather make the bad things noticeable by lying.
maybe she's angry that you don't love her.

it's the miles deep pain i feel in my abdomen that shows me the truth.
it's the heart attack i experience when your eyes light up that shows me your real heart.

it's the knot in my throat when you talk, that shows me you're alive.


and so am i.
Aug 2017 · 306
coincidences
Elise Jackson Aug 2017
it's funny how you preach, scream, riot about keeping the peace, but when it's your turn to keep the peace, you keep a grudge instead.
Aug 2017 · 206
This Is It
Elise Jackson Aug 2017
I thrive through other likewise people.
Day 31/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 260
Holographic
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Money usually makes people the angriest.
Day 30/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 374
Live And Let Live
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
How is leaving someone alone hard?
Day 29/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 225
Lines
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Everyone needs a little guidance sometimes.
Day 28/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 197
Clean
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Sanitization sounds terrifying, now doesn't it?
Day 27/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 205
Headaches
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Sometimes I yearn for something more.
Day 26/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 243
Quiet
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
For once this actually means something.
Day 25/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 229
Sharp
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
The crickets are comforting around here.
Day 24/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 265
Moonflower
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
You're brighter than the midday sun.
Day 23/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 277
Sunflower
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
How ghostly can one actually be?
Day 22/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 351
often blue
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
there's always that tired morning candlelight of sadness
that washes over my existence and reminds me to stay still.

because if i were to move, what's left of my rib cage
would collapse.
the empty pit of my torso would be nothing but bones and regret.

but this is nothing new.
but sometimes i crave this collapse because maybe the cave
of my body wouldn't be so empty.
Jul 2017 · 190
Good Things
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Rain is only tragic when unpredictable.
Day 21/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 261
Referral
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
It seems we only need trust.
Day 20/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 292
Rosy Hues
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Interchange the letters, see the truth.
Day 19/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 198
Elasticity
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Your mind is the worst now.
Day 18/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 193
Scrapes And Scratches
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
This is a brand new world.
Day 17/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 182
Nothing
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
I couldn't care less about you anymore.
Day 16/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 525
green and blue
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
sometimes i wonder how we got here.
how we got to this point in our lives.
how you managed to stay around after years of randomized and (sometimes) painful situations.
how i managed to keep myself in tact when most of the time i'm hanging by a thread.

but then i realize that there is something that binds us together in such a way, it is indescribable.
but so are you.
and i.

there are paths of our lives that cross over in such ways that make our maps look like a 4-year-old's scribbling.
there are stars that glue us together in such a way that our limbs are always tangled.

one mangled, crying, painful mess.

one perfect, strong, gleaming masterpiece.
Jul 2017 · 253
Everything To Me
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Take as long as you need.
Day 15/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 227
Anger
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Words seem louder when you whisper.
Day 14/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 238
SOS
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
SOS
I don't really understand you anymore.
Day 13/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
Jul 2017 · 241
Holy
Elise Jackson Jul 2017
Bright lights clash outside the windows.
Day 12/31 of my "Six Words A Day" Challenge for the whole month of July, the whole collection can be found on my page on the first of August.
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