it's perpetual. this feeling. i don't think i ever wanted to acknowledge it's existence, whether it's due to embarrassment or fear. i'm unsure. it's always lurking around, waiting to creep up when you look behind. even if you think of it, i'm sure it senses it too.
no matter what i use to try to fill the void, it's never enough. you'd think i'd be used to being by myself, that i'd never want to be bothered by anyone else. i want nothing more than to be bothered. i want nothing more than to be liked. i want nothing more than just to be and not feel embarrassed by my own existence. and nothing more. i need to feel like i belong here. i belong somewhere, don't i?
someone somewhere must think i'm a little cool, right?
i'm not a complete waste of atoms, aren't i?
i am constantly reaching out, asking for a helping hand.
it seems there is no one on the other side.
i'm picking my nails at the dinner table
thinking of ways to tear myself apart
wondering if you'd even agree with me right now
if you'd be proud of me
or are you yelling at me from wherever you are
i'd like to think you're somewhere nice
in a pool where the water is crystal clear
sipping something strong and watching me ruin my life
sometimes i'd rather you turn the tv off and throw the remote
this show ***** anyway
how long can you really watch me dissociate? I've been here for hours.
you come around when i least expect it
or maybe when i need you the most and don't want to admit it
i miss you whether you're here or not
it's like you appear behind a passing citizen
and watch me look at you through a crowd of people
and i notice it faster than i should admit
and i want nothing more than for you to approach
to ask if i'd like a cup of coffee
to have a conversation
you disappear just as fast as you've arrived
already leaving me with finding the answers myself
my jaw aching with things i never got to tell you
your legacy is the only one i'd be willing to uphold if you leave
even if it's short notice
or something you've prepared for
i have a sinking feeling that it's something you've prepared for.
"time for the quarterly internet rabbit-hole of your early life.
are you going to spend the next hour looking for pictures of an old mall?
or by finding out the real reason why the first movie theater burned down eleven years ago?
or perhaps look at how your favorite grocery store has changed?
how about we look at the once empty fields that are now occupied by mattress stores?
then will you end it by crying yourself to sleep?
wondering why you cannot remember any of it all?
why you cannot make sense of being a child?
did you ever become conscious before 2012?
are all these hazy memories just dreams?
did you even exist in any of it?
what are you even searching for?"
i want to see it all again.
i found myself stuttering over your name in conversation
it was almost two months ago
although i keep wondering if it happened for a reason
maybe to prevent the eventual sobbing that night
doesn't mean i don't kick myself for it
i constantly feel the weight of your ghost
maybe it's selfish of me to notice the consistency of you
or to assume it is always you
or is it low of me to think that you wouldn't be there
i've held onto this thought since july
and i'm just angry you're dead
i want to write of you
but i cannot bring myself to finish anything i say
writing about grief through grief
and you would think that it would be easy
since i've been writing for years
i hate leaving things unfinished
i try not to think of it often
maybe that's the problem
i freeze when i do
it feels like i'm the only one that remembers you around here.
i think we were destined from the first time i heard you speak
a rough but gentle voice you carry
and i hope you know it carries me
i feel i've known you for ages
even though it's only been a short while
sometimes i wish i could meet you all over again
you're a rush of air
something i've needed for so long
sometimes it's so hard to breathe around here
in such a way that seems elementary
i want to write the loveliest things about you
i want to put them in the sky
but in the same way
i want nobody to know
i want to go with you wherever you slip away to
and i want you to slip away to me
i want to be that embrace that let's you know you're home
because you let me know the same
i use loads of religious wording for an atheist