there's always that tired morning candlelight of sadness
that washes over my existence and reminds me to stay still.

because if i were to move, what's left of my rib cage
would collapse.
the empty pit of my torso would be nothing but bones and regret.

but this is nothing new.
but sometimes i crave this collapse because maybe the cave
of my body wouldn't be so empty.

sometimes i wonder how we got here.
how we got to this point in our lives.
how you managed to stay around after years of randomized and (sometimes) painful situations.
how i managed to keep myself in tact when most of the time i'm hanging by a thread.

but then i realize that there is something that binds us together in such a way, it is indescribable.
but so are you.
and i.

there are paths of our lives that cross over in such ways that make our maps look like a 4-year-old's scribbling.
there are stars that glue us together in such a way that our limbs are always tangled.

one mangled, crying, painful mess.

one perfect, strong, gleaming masterpiece.

don't we all wish we could go back and change certain things?
don't we all need a period of rest and reflection?

i think about the past a lot.

not a certain time period or memory, but all at once.
i don't quite think it's good or bad, it's just there.

waiting.
ready to strike at any moment.

throwing me into a nervous frenzy.

"pain comes and goes,
leaves and stays.

but he is the one who makes you forget you were ever in pain.

he never goes,
he just stays.

no matter where ever he is,
the feeling of his skin on yours never leaves.

his lips,
his fingers,
his voice

it never leaves."

"if you want angry, blackout drunk fueled fights with strangers,
that's what he'll give you.

if you want nostalgic, sugar-filled summer sunsets,
he'll give it to you.

if you want to sleep into the late afternoon and whisper during breakfast,
that's what he'll give you.

if you want police knocking on the door at 2 am after an assault report,
he'll give it to you.

but if you want him to choke you, shove you, even strike you,
he won't.

because the last thing he'd ever want on this planet is to hurt you.

but he'd definitely hurt anyone that'd try to hurt you."

i don't quite understand what i did in a past life that was so bad
that i was born in this small globe of worry.

i also don't quite understand
the small instances of confusion
or
misconception
that make me repeatedly run through every
motion i made
or
word i spoke.

there's something wrong in the world inside my head,
maybe famine.
maybe natural disaster.
maybe war.

some days i feel amazing.
not a bone in my body feels anxious.

some.

but no day is the exact same,
and sometimes it's best to take it one day at a time.

i've been told that i come off as cold, or intimidating.

it's a defense mechanism, like an alligator. or a porcupine.
i know how bad this world is, and i'm not about to fall in it's trap by being nice to everyone.
that's why i come off cold.
i will not surrender.

but i am the nicest person you'll ever meet.
i am smart, i know my way around the world.

but i am only 19. i am only human. these things that make me who i am are just as important as i portray myself.

i am just a girl, with big blue eyes and long hair.

i am a girl with long nails and i will not hesitate to rip anyone who hurts me apart.
because i am not going to stand on the edge and let myself be pushed over it anymore.

i am a girl with a loud mind, and a voice. and i won't hesitate to use it.

i am a girl with big dreams, and an amazing imagination.

i am a girl with good intentions and a golden heart.

i am a girl with fire in my veins, and a hurricane in my stomach.

i am who i am, i am not going to tear myself apart after so much building.

The color of the afternoon sky, the color of the crystal clean pool in your backyard.


The color of my eyes, signaling that I’m alive.


The color of your lighter, the one that lights all of your cigarettes on fire.