My thoughts woke me up in the middle of the night, it's getting harder to breathe without you by my side. My mind is clouded by your absence. I'm living underwater. Every breath mixed with water.

I've always wanted to become a writer. I've known it all along.
Ever since I started making scenarios in my head about possible outcomes, and whenever I acted a bit too dramatic. Everytime I fell to deep over a guy.
I thank everyone who has ever made me feel like killing myself. Thank you to everyone who has made me shed tears until I fell asleep. Thanks for the scars in my heart, in my arms that will probably never heal properly.
I thank you because I made it.
I'm becoming the person I had to become.
I wouldn't have done it without you.

The tiniest detail about you she will never forget, and I doubt in a year you'll remember her name.
She will soon enough become another pair of lips you kissed twice while drunk in what seemed like love but was actually urge.
She will be the junior you had a crush on for what seemed like forever, only to find out she wasn't worth a title.
It began to hurt the minute you whispered for her to stay, your breath smelt like ***** she should've known better than to believe in a drunken thought. But then weeks went by and he stayed, and for then it was enough. Except it wasn't, she began fading into him, she ignored his obvious lack of interest towards her.
She was so blinded by a desire to try and make it work that she missed all of the departure signs.
And things were never comfortable between them two, you should've known, it always felt as if he was following someone else's instructions about what to say on the first date and how to hold her hand, it was as if these simple gestures were over-rehearsed. Too mechanical. But she'd let that pass because she was happy.
Because she really wanted it work.
I suppose it is no surprise it ended just the way it started. Us making out completely wasted with no idea of what was actually going on or what was going to happen the next day, without a clue of the day or the month.
Nothing mattered but us, whether you were asking me out or breaking up with me. It was all about us. Everything else just kind of blended into a blurry landscape, was that not good enough for you?

And I'm utterly sorry darling, I know you wanted it to work, I know you poured your soul and thoughts, I know you tried. You gave your best. But let me tell you it wasn't enough, your best was never enough, you were never enough to make him stay. He may think he left because of his own choice, but it was all you. You should've been better.
Silly me, for a moment there I actually thought this time you'd stay.

//////
Still is that a proper way to leave?

I. people will judge from the outside as if they had it all figured out, and it will hurt. don't give in. humans are selfish and envious and that's the main reason why I have no interest in becoming one.
II. look for happiness and once you find it hold on to it as you would hold on to the bouquet of roses the bride throws after the wedding ceremony, as you will hold onto your baby's first lost tooth, as you held your mother's hand when you crossed the street and how she squeezed a little to hard out of love and fear. and those glimpses of happiness that have passed and all those that are yet to come, will make this all worth it.
III. you'll never get to please them all. you don't even have to try.
all you have to do is make sure that the decisions you make are actually coming from you. keep in mind that no one not a friend a boyfriend not even your mother will have to live with the choices you make, no one but yourself.
IV. if you want to drink, **** it tequila will taste better than his goodbye, and drugs are available and will make you forget all the reasons why he couldn't stick around, you can get A's if you put your mind up to it, just make sure whatever you choose to pour your soul makes your pulse race and your heart skip a beat.
V. never settle. wait for someone who will make you laugh and will be as much of a talker as you are, and who will support you in every decision, that last one is important. you are worth a freakin lot for you to be losing your time with ******* and cocky heartbreakers.

her world was shattered long before she had the slightest chance to experience the harshness of it.

im pretty sure there are people who get better, who make it through.
and although some people recover parents divorcing and loneliness and being practically raised by themselves, some others turn into drugs and become cheaters and they should have the concern of someone. i mean, who pays attention to these forgotten souls? who will help them become who they were born to be and not a weak copy of their flawed parents?

i'm not bluffing, people do get better and i know at the moment it may seem as the hardest thing you'll ever experience.
baby i know you think you need those boys but you don't, you need the beach and fresh air, and a hot bath when things seem to heavy for your fragile shoulders to handle, you'll need friends who get you ice-cream after rough break-ups, skateboards and probably a shot or two, and fresh air when the air gets so thick your lungs finally begin to charge all those empty cigarette boxes hidden under your bed.

and you will get better, you will overcome it and you'll thank god or better yet you will thank yourself for holding onto to that ray of sunshine, for staying away from the shadows and the chaos, for keeping those dark thoughts that used to haunt you at night in a corner of your mind you no longer have the need to visit.
remember, i love you

and you walked out of my life without the slightest concern yet don't seem able to ******* leave my mind.

and i got so drunk the day you left me I threw up at your feet the empty promises made by a you i no longer recognized, my world literally fell apart at your feet. now that i come to think about it you may have been the one holding it together for now that you're no longer around nothing makes sense i'm more lost than ever and to say that, is quite something.

and although you've turned into everything i despise i still crave you and the connection i foolishly thought we had.

mixture of messy, unstable. chaos written al over him.

how did i miss the departure signs¿¿

Not blue as the Caribbean, not the background of a rainbow. Not even blue as balloons at six year old birthday parties.

It felt as the tone in the sky you only see after monsoons, when the clouds are gray and the sea almost black. Blue as in the toothbrush he forgot when he left. Blue as his eyes in a fairy tale when he's just about to leave for someone else. Indescribable.

And although I know there's a great variety of blue's, this was not the case. Not only did it look different, it felt odd, it left you an after taste, you could sense something was off, not quite right.


And when it started raining, I couldn't tell if I was catching raindrops, or just tears.

I did not remember the fear I felt that he would suddenly change his mind.
I had forgotten the anxiety through the lapses between conversations.
My mind had blocked the uncertainty of his words, how perhaps as they came out the after taste they left was bitter and gray, typical of lies.

Although I thought I'd miss, the butterflies,
I find myself hitting the bottle and swallowing pills,
just to stop the fluttering for a minute or two.

And now that I'm starting to remember,
I'm not sure I ever wanted it that much to begin with.

Routine reaches for me and Her claws dig my skin looking for freshness,
anything out of tedious everyday crap.

She scratches and consumes my insides,
until I'm left with nothing. Utterly hollow.

She swallows every particle of every atom and flees when it becomes too monotonous, leaving it impossible to survive Her.

I figure Routine has got to be a woman, who else would love you to the point of driving you mad, only to get bored and find a new host.

9 months ago your eyes were a different color and you used to stare at me like I was the prettiest constellation.
It shocks me how the lips I once kissed have muted and evolved into an unrecognizable piece of your body.
There's nothing special,  your eyes are no longer the tone of copper, they don't look like honey anymore and the bees are just disappointed, there's no sparkle, the feeling of warmness and secureness has been replaced and I can look away without being utterly hypnotized by them.

And when people ask "why him", all I can say is "why not?".
It's actually pretty simple. He's an outsider.
You look at all them rich boys with their perfect whitened teeth, and their v neck sweaters and polo shirts and you manage to guess they will never put a finger up to accomplish anything, there's always someone behind their every move.
And you look at him, he's a catastrophe he's a mixture of drugs, alcohol cigarettes and midnight hookers, with nothing to prove, with no one to take responsibility for his mistakes, with no pre planned future.

And so in a heartbeat, his worn off knuckles and dark eyes, his scars,
simply become, *home.

I miss you.
Plain and simple.
I miss you at 5:45am when I open my eyes to go to school, and I miss you as I dry my hair, I miss you when I put on the bracelets you once held in your hands, I miss you at school whenever my mind drifts away class (happens often), and I miss you at recess as I see everyone's face but yours. And I come home and I take a nap, because I miss you perhaps a little too much. And so when it's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep, you can certainly guess who just doesn't leave my mind. And so, I miss you against all odds and despite the gossips, I just plain and simple, miss your body next to mine.
And the only reason, your thought hasn't consumed me, the only reason I find all of this bearable, is because perhaps, you miss me too.

I fell for a boy once, with strong and protective arms, with worn off knuckles from oh so many fights, with a cold exterior and a tough glance.
I fell for his eyes, the color of the night, and how he looked at me through them, as if I was a star lighting the darkness.
And I fell for his empty promises of a long lasting future, for you said all I could ever hope hearing.
I had to wake up quickly and landed head first on the ground, I would have never imagined your leaving would be so hard.
Now I'm left here all alone, wondering how I could grow so attached in a month and make the mistake once again, to make a guy my whole world.

I can finally recall the exact moment I lost myself*.
It all began when I started placing your opinion higher on the scale than what I believed of myself.

All this time I've been a deer caught in the headlights,
it's funny how you can grow used to pretty much anything.

Everything has changed now,
You no longer make me feel proud about myself, but ashamed.
I feel like my own self is starting to fade away into this new type of girls you're hitting on day by day.

You've changed your standards and so you changed me as well.
You replaced my vans and mess, with a girl in a pink dress.

And though you are the one, who left me behind,
the shock of my evolving has got you judging me all over.

Forgive me for I'm not the girl you put your faith on last summer,
a broken promise and a stare of disappointment is all thats left of us.

You used to say that every time I moved my body would align into something beautiful, just as the beads in a kaleidoscope.
You used to spend hours staring at me and I felt as if I could shine on and on for days.
I am not a kaleidoscope.
Or maybe I am, in which case you're the light, and now that you're gone,
so am I.

She wasn't so special.
She wasn't even that pretty, and her hair was always a mess, she had tired eyes, also her knees were too skinny and her voice was too loud. She was always in her own world never paying attention to anything I had to say, always scribbling in that notebook of hers I never got a chance to read. She laughed pretty much about anything, and had an opinion about everything, seriously.
Okay, she was that pretty. In fact, the world beautiful wouldn't bring her justice in her worst day. Her hair was a mess, that's for sure, it always fell over her face and I used to pull it back gently. And maybe she had tired eyes for staying up until the moon went to sleep waiting for my 'I'm home' text. I got to say I loved the skinniness of her knees, I remember thinking she was secure with me, that nothing wrong would ever happen to her. She was a loud person, which kind of came in handy whenever she had to stand up for herself, watching her speak up always made me proud.
She was a daydreamer, always over analizing everything, picturing different scenarios and each possible outcome. She promised she would show me that notebook, I remember she mentioned once how every thought that crossed her mind she wrote, that always fascinated me. And her laugh, man, that I could never hate, I would have done anything to hear her laugh. She always told me how having an opinion about everything made her interesting, but I knew that already, for I found her fascinating since the moment I met her.

She knew who she was and she knew what she wanted,
I wish I had figured that out before.
It's too late now.

I locked
my heart.

I threw away
the key
into the sea.

The day
you find it,
I'm forever,
yours to keep.

Every time she tries to open up,
she shuts down even more.
I'm ok and it's alright
have become her best friends for life.

Like tiny plants that close to touch,
that's just how her mind works.

You'll get so close-almost there,
but not there yet.
She can never trust again.

i'm staring out the window,
fingers clutched to a cigarette.
8 minutes before sunrise,
i'm watching the sky rain.

-You
-
                   
                     









                                                ****.

Tears won't come out to play,
Not last night and not today.
Forcing me to keep everything bottled up inside,
Have you ever felt the need to cut your skin so all the pain comes out?
I feel empty and I am hollow,
There's darkness running through my veins,
black and blue black and blue
I 'm screaming on mute.
"Please mom don't make me get out of bed you don't understand."
This is what you get when you let him in.
Don't
                 Don't
                                   Don't let him in

Sadness consumes me

You got under my skin,
and ripped my heart out of my chest.
You lit a match against my skin,
and then stayed to watch it burn.

              * I still cross continents for you.

I lost myself a century ago, you enchanted me with your egocentric smile and your eyes that glimmer, only to leave me hanging like your favorite movie you gave away because you already knew every line from tip to toe, you replaced me and I was too broken and blurred to even hesitate so I just walked away but kept looking back because anyone whose ever loved you or has the slightest idea of how truly fascinating you are is aware of how absolutely twisted it would be to let go of you.
My biggest desire is for me to be half as incredible as you know you are and maybe then you would think twice before letting me go into my own tomb.
You signed my death sentence when you uttered the words that burned my throat smashed my bones and left me wishing I was somewhere in Mars.
And not even there, in that deserted planet that inhales awkward girl's dreams and exhales them because they are far too ridiculous for the real world while dying from the lack of oxygen and the intense heat that came in through the lips you once kissed and made a tour through my broken self only to permanently stay in my shattered lonely heart, not even then had I preferred to be conscious when you chose her over me, rejecting me forever.

You'll make an infinity of mistakes chasing girls who will rip your heart out and laugh and kiss your mouth while you bleed out, and you won't even notice. You'll pour your soul into a girl whose main interest is your wallet.
You'll waste your youth and waste your time, in a girl who doesn't care about your smile.
She'll leave before you get the chance to wonder why or cry for mercy.
*I've got all the things she lacks, and lack the things she's got.

I want to break the paradigm of how pretty girls are dumb and I hate to see women surrender to men as if we were trophies and they could just brag about us and all our functions.
Don't be one of those girls.
Don't date a guy who wants you just because you're pretty.
Don't settle for a man that compliments you on looks rather than personality.
Look for someone who looks beyond your outer layer.
Someone who listens, someone who dives into your soul, someone with whom you can melt into a conversation and lose track of time, agree to disagree.
Don't be the side-girl of any man.
Strive to be remembered as strong and independent rather than pretty but shallow.

It's late and I'm numb.

I don't remember you leaving,
I'm retracing every action you did before I realized you were gone.

You dancing around the living room is the last thing I recall,
after that nothing at all.

Im beginning to wonder if you were even real.
Since day one I knew,
it was too good to be true.

Maybe I'm too drunk.
Maybe I'm just dreaming.