Melt me into a thousand, reflective sighs. I ache for such sweet release — hypnotic, cathartic. I want to see myself drown once — with my life flashing in a slow-spinning liquid mirrorball. Just once in such graceful, calm, permanent surrender. Just once, and for the last time.
i. i always find a space for myself in small places:
ii. in my mother's open wounds, there i dance with salt and lime and my father's misplaced angers.
iii. in the scratched frames under the nails of an angry girl. in between cowering sunbeams i lick the walls clean of dust.
iv. in the fifth page of thrifted book, back when i was in love with bukowski, i look at the stains of a summer day sin and see a five-feet egyptian sarcophagus taped with figures; what is the hieroglyph for pity, so that hathor takes me back to the tight spaces of her womb? what is the hieroglyph for homelessness? what is the hieroglyph for misplaced?
v. i always find a space for myself in small places: in the holes of a tire, in between discolored knuckles, in desperate places where a body gives up and wastes away; there's a space for one more.
vi. i always find a space for myself in small places — they wait with such quiet patience like a father to a prodigal child — i always find a space for myself waiting in small places, it calls hauntingly, like a well-loved, familiar ghost.
yet i cannot come back.
i am too huge with sorrows now — too full with wistful human bones.
august is a map of my fullest aches. it always has heartbreaks for me to feel. it is all the wrong lights hitting all my wrong angles and now i'm facing a mirror of my body covered in torn traces of breaths — an empty space, a backdrop for a sight of star dusts lingering. august is a map of my feet where the sea has buried technicolored glasses — all swelling, all wounds dulled by the salt and the summer rain. soon, august will all wear off like a cruel high; it's done seeing me mourning, and i'll be an empty shell for september to wash away.
walk past me in the shallow seas. walk past me in full aching state. walk past me — look past; i long to be a ghost of something delicate, something not terrifying, something that doesn't haunt.
i am looking at it now from afar — that certain kind of pain that would mirror mine; how immense it must be to go through it, and i can only imagine getting out. how immense the pain must be, how terrible, to wish for a kind of comfort only a certain, abrupt finality can bring. i am looking at it now from afar: skin as gray as mine and lately, the daybreak just brings in its rays more nights for us to swallow.
if it brings you any semblance of a cold comfort — the one you seek, i hope you know, i'll die in your place. i wish i can take it all away.
i. pluck the aching out of my ribs — one by one as though they were teeth that had sunk — latched themselves onto these bones, until it is but a pile of bite marks, a pile of mildewed flowers — festering like sins, like punishment. pluck each bruising bone, some things belong to my chest. some, to firelight.
ii. pluck a rib, make the sweetest, purest, brand new woman — all lace girdle and nectarine lips, stepping out of the outskirts of my skin as i watch from the other side of an exit wound — the inner side. maybe in another life, that can be me.
thou shalt not covet.
i close the window. i zip the skin.
iii. tonight, i kneel in a confessional — screaming away all banal sorrows, screaming away all banal sins.
pull the aching out of my ribs — it's in its rawest just before the dawn. pull the aching out of my ribs.
a corrupted sight for awakened flowers. ringing church bells. hummingbirds. oh, a corrupted sight. and mornings will hear its aftermath.
rip my chest the way you would an ugly sight of flowers. take everything away. i have no need for this much aching. i have no need for this much consuming anguish — this much self-violence barely restrained by my ribs. rip my chest and leave me empty of breaths and prayers for saints who don't know my name. leave me clean, and numb, and brand new — without memory and without any trace of all agony i ever kept between the lines of my poems. this isn't one — this isn't one anymore.
rip my chest and take everything away. rip my chest, i beg you, and take away all of my violence. take away all of my pain. take away all that i ever was, now just hurting — now, just lying around in waste.
no i am not kind, i will pull your heart out of your chest — stain it with fleeting moments of softness before running it over with my train-wreck hands. i will pick you wild roses — they all die in my palms; maybe so will this love. i will kiss you and hold you, as we slow-dance our way to disaster; all we can do is sigh and crumble like greek ruins dying in a modern city. is it so bad, then, loving you with the kind of love that breaks and terrifies, and leaves you hurting and burning and wanting more? is this so bad, then, when it's the only way i've ever loved, and the only way i've ever known?