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God, are you there?

Can you hear my call?

God, do you care?

Do you care at all?


I know You said You'd always be

The guiding light in front of me

But lately, I've been flying blind

Too scared to even look behind


God, do you see me here?

Can you feel my need?

God, are you ever near?

You're never close, it seems.


God, I know you said you'd be

Always here right next to me

But I am human, this I know

My infant faith, it just slowly grows.


God, if you're there

Can you keep me safe?

And God, if you care

Can you ease my daily pain?
Fear an icicle
Love a swiftly beating heart
Frost spread in my chest.
Honest to goodness—
What does that even mean, though?
English idioms.
I don't want to know
Who you really are
And I don't want to know
How you got this far.

I don't want to see
The way you get it right
And I don't want to see
You without me tonight.
I finally picked up my refill
And finally stopped running uphill.
I'd been out for days,
And was in a haze
That nothing could fix but my refill.

I finally refilled my meds, guys.
Last week I ran out of my supplies,
And I sunk like a brick
Into depression so thick
That it kept me from refilling my meds, guys.

At last I am back on my Adderall
And everything feels much more natural
I cleaned up the sink
And now I can think
About how good it is to have Adderall.
P.S. Sorry to everyone who took the brunt of my bs. Next time I have a breakdown about my *** life just tell me to refill my meds and leave me alone.
If I were to be a day,
It would be overcast
And I'm not even sure that light
Would come, or ever last. 

If I were to be a breath,
I would be shallow
Hard to take, hard to keep
From a chest too hollow. 

If I were to be a heart,
I would be almost whole
Except for the time I let it sit out
And you pinpricked a hole. 

If I were to be a house,
I'd have an iron-bound door
Nothing would enter without my say
And I wouldn't go out anymore. 

If I were to be a song,
You'd never hear my words
They'd be in a language you don't know
The language of hurt.
I want to ignore
Everything you ever were
But that is hopeless.
lately i've been scared
worried the darkness will last
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel powerless
so backed into a corner
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel judging eyes
like i'm not just projecting
but i hope i'm wrong

i think i see it
they wince when my mouth opens
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel unwanted
it's unlucky to know me
but i hope i'm wrong

unhelpful and shamed
no one is glad i'm here, right?
i just hope i'm wrong

only by working—
my body, my only strength
my hands hold children
but my mind is too broken
prove to me i'm wrong

Inefficient love
Subpar communication
Almost good enough
Almost worth listening to
If you say nothing
You confirm it with silence
But if you argue
Please bring some more evidence
I'm trying to hope
That this self-talk's distorted
I'm sorry my pain
Is underreported
If nobody cared
Then surely I'd be alone
And not surrounded
By those who want to love me—
But I don't know how
To feel the love that they show.
I shrink back, I hide,
Because it hurts me sometimes.
These are all my thoughts
They feel so true in my mind.
But I really hope I'm wrong.
Too often I lie
When I smile at you and laugh
Because deep inside,
Knowing you has made me drown
In this, my pit of self-doubt.
I lie to you, but it frightens me that you know.
I'll be strong for you.
Usually I'm the anxious one,
Scared in crowds and streets.
But your pain is crippling you;
And I know I can be strong.
Images I frequently see
And feelings I often feel
A knife turned inward on me
But somehow it's not real.

Reaching my arms to the sky,
Rising to the sun so red;
Or vines growing from my hands
When I put them to my head.

Pain inside my body
When I can't get you out of my mind
Picturing falling through the floor
And leaving this world behind.

My head slowly exploding
When the thoughts trapped inside
Have reached critical levels
And there's too much I've tried to hide.
I've felt exposed and blinded by light
And lately felt too free
But I love it when Dan says
*If you're warm, then you can't relate to me
There's too much in me
To let it all out on you
And besides, you say,
You're not that important now
It shouldn't matter to you.
Made me want to scream
When I knew I wanted it
The impossible.
It made me want to scream,
The way I /knew/ that it was what I had wanted for /all these long months/
But it was impossible to achieve.

Not anymore. >:)
I thought I could put you in a box
I was wrong
I thought I could work you out like math
I was wrong

I thought this was what you'd say
You said something else
I thought you were one way
You were another

But it was the same about me

I tried to put myself in a box
I tried to work myself out like math
But I'm more than that,
And I can't figure it out

I thought I was supposed to say this
But I should have said something else
I thought I was one way
But I was another

I tell myself that I don't know you
But I don't know me

And that is much worse.
“Do you ever feel like…
um
like in a moment you see where you were a year ago
and you wonder how you got to where you are
and you trace it back, reading through a journal or something
and you can’t remember so much
it all happened so fast
and you wonder if you’ll ever get back the time you lost
I barely ever look back
but when I do
it feels like looking down the other end of a tunnel, where it’s so bright now that it’s hard to see the light that I started out in at the other end.”
Poems are indescribable
I believe they have a soul
That spreads throughout the phrases
Inexplicably whole.
You never see the world the way it is,
You've never felt cold, hard truth;
Your heart isn't whole, or close to it,
Though it's never been torn in two.
He said that I looked
Pretty, as a compliment
But it made me doubt;
I felt that he shouldn't have
It made me feel insecure.
Begone, foul beast;
Your presence is not wanted:
Leave me forever.
Inspiration grips my soul
And gives my mind no peace;
I try and try to let it go,
But silence baffles me.

Sometimes in the darkest night
It's dreams that haunt my eyes
And sometimes, inspiration's height
Looks about agony's size.

Ideas sometimes look like pain
And memories that hurt me;
And beautiful though my song may be,
Perhaps its roots concern me.

But art, it lies within the choice
To make a lie show truth
And find the love inside the voice
Of your heartrending youth.

Don't build your statues with ashes:
Compress them into stone,
And watch as sorrow clashes
With love that builds a home.

Darkness is no shelter,
But is an invitation
For light to burn the better
As fire: my inspiration.
Pliny the Elder said: "The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach."
Give me a picture,
Give me a time
I'll give you a symbol
Give you a sign.

Show me an instance
Show me a way
I'll show you evidence
Show you my say.

Leave me some doubt
Leave me a fear
I'll leave you no worries
Not leave you, I'm here
I am proud of Ninja Day—
March the thirty-second.
And you guys that dare to say
"It's April Fools" I will threaten.
Getting in touch, well,
That's the main thing I do;
Tuning in to me
And taking notes from my soul,
Then weaving a tapestry.
Surely my life's work
Will be worth as much to them
As it is to me,
Waiting for sales to show here
To feed my music budget.
I've published a book. http://www.lulu.com/shop/ashley-spence/poetry-volume-i/ebook/product-23389434.html
Anxiety, fear,
And doubt that I could be one
You'd listen to now.
Hope will find its way,
Even if you try to hide,
Won't give up on you.
Oh I wish,
Wish I could be greater than this
All of me
Is less than all that you need...
And I,
I want to live for what's good
But sometimes,
Sometimes it's harder than it should.
So I'll,
I'll be waiting for you
To show me,
Show me how to love what's true.
I write from the bowels of Wish I Could Sleep
Which borders the swamp of Too Tall
Which was named for the bed that was somehow too short
Where the Sleeper couldn't stretch out at all.

I call, at this very late hour, to say
That tomorrow I'd better not forget
The car's in the shop, the WiFi's down,
And though my new book wasn't great

I can write without car and internet, too
I am capable of this
But if anyone from Luxury calls
Just tell them to talk to the fist!
I'm fine.
Job
Job
The day begins before it should,
and every minute is squandered,
before I jump into the car,
spilling hot coffee in my haste.

Then the rushing wind blows past me,
running through my hair in the dark;
headlights keep up with the sharp turns,
and the thumping stereo lifts me.

Parking, on time, walking briskly
to ensure the grandest entrance
to give a formal impression.
My echoed greeting meets my ears.

Hello, goodbye, I take over,
holding my vigilant station
as I toast bagels with butter
and wait for them to call me up.

"Ashley!" comes the petulant cry
and I manage to answer her.
"Coming!" And I take a slow sip
before heading up creaky stairs.

They want me to pick out their clothes.
They want me to help them get dressed.
I say, "You can do that yourself,
I'm here to do hard things, like cook."

Teasing, admonishing, waiting
for children to do what I asked;
I take one more sip of coffee
and the cup is gone far too soon.

Soon, they are eating their breakfast,
and I'm prepping backpacks and coats.
Something spills, and I clean it up;
then she says she forgot her shoes.

I tell her sister to get them,
but she won't go up there alone.
So we three climb the creaky stairs,
and come back with their socks and shoes.

We run out the door, lock the garage,
and jump in my car for a ride.
"Seatbelts?" I ask before leaving,
and they both ask me for tic-tacs.

A minute away, and I park.
They jump out and both wave goodbye.
I smile and wait for the school bus.
I drive to my next job, next door.
Work as a nanny, it's not for everyone, but I love my girls.
My mother puts chocolate milk in my lunch
She puts it in an empty juice bottle
But today I forgot my water container, so
I'm filling up my apple juice-chocolate milk-bottle.
And it tastes like all three. Ew.
I jumped real ******* concrete
I guess that wasn't the best
Now all my insides feel jammed together
I just want to go home and rest.
>_> It still hurts.
Here I go, head first
Jumping and not being pushed
Into the deep end.
Every time I think of you,
I think, "What a ****."
And then as I think
I can't exactly think of anything specific
that made you a ****,
not something you did,
not really,
and my mind, for a second,
defends you.

But then it all comes back.
The hurtful words.
The all-caps that would have been
shouting.
The exasperation you treated me with
when I just wanted
a hug.

We were so lonely
but we were not alone
and it made it worse
that we were not together.

Crowds are more than I ever thought
they would be.
It hurts remembering things you said
about me
about us
about how we were lying to ourselves
from the beginning
and that what had seemed so pure and beautiful
was soiled and ruined.

Nothing was physically wrong.
We broke no laws.
But I gave you my heart
more than I should have
and no contract kept you from throwing it
away.
It stings when I recall it.

So whoever you catch in your net,
whoever you drag down the hallways
of your house,
I hope they give you more than you bargained for
I hope you feel the hurt I felt
that you never sensed
because you were over me before I even knew we were over
I hope the next girl you meet doesn't need you
like I did
like I still feel like I do.

I hope you know that you are dangerous
and that you need to be careful
because you're a bomb
that looks so harmless
you're poison
that looks like fruit
you're the death that no one should ever have to feel
when they're alive

You're not what any longing girl needs.
So be careful.
Guard your heart.
Or you'll wish you'd learned the first time
when I find out
what you've done.

I will leave you alone
because my only words to you are bitter
from long hours spent in regret
bitter from days spent in depression
bitter from months of wishing you weren't there
that you were someone else
in someone else's life
and that I'd never known you.

But I never would have learned so many valuable lessons
that I've learned such a hard way.

"Leave Me Alone" is about the most-used phrase in my head
these days.
I sing it when I am alone
I whisper it under my breath as I walk from one crowded room to the next
I mutter it as I sink into my seat
So.
Leave me alone.
You've done your damage
you don't want to stick around to see how much you've messed me up
so don't.

Just go.

You're better off anywhere else
besides listening to me
rambling here
about things you will never read
and feelings I will never share
with you.


*We are worse than strangers, for we shall never be friends.
the things that go through my mind at night.
I sit in my chair
waiting for water to boil
to cook a cool meal.

Married for 4 weeks...
it doesn't seem like that long
every moment's bright.

Time to boil the corn
I already made the cheese
smoky lime queso.

He's watching the end
the show he started last night
the last episode.

In half an hour
I'll tell him dinner's ready
and he'll smile so big!
The sun grew dark, the sky grew black,
I looked away; when I looked back
The rain was falling in sheets, so fine,
I thought I'd finally come back.

The air was heavy like before
I felt that longing even more
I tasted sea salt on my face
Standing on my landlocked shore.

It all came back to me, right there
Spray in my eyes, wind in my hair
It all returned to tantalize
As if those rain clouds didn't care.
Hey, looks like we're friends
Again, or maybe anew
I just hope it lasts.
Agh, get out of bed
You stupid girl, you'll be late
And you need a bath.
It was just perfect
And then you laughed at her joke
It was beautiful.
Leave me alone
to wait and to wander
Leave me alone
to wish my life away
Leave me to go
where I dared not before you
Leave me to grow
in a way you never could.
Everyone's loud
And I don't want to hear what they're talking about

Math is so annoying
I'm behind but I don't feel like working

It's actually easy
It just takes clicking bubbles

But I'm so tired
So, so tired.


So what am I going to do
When I don't have the energy to do what I need to?

And what am I going to say
When I don't have the words to speak when I want to?


Don't give me excuses
No one knows why I don't smile

Don't think you're special
You just happen to sit next to me

You can't understand me
Of course, no one else could

I'm tired of your looks
That tell me you think more than you should.


So what am I going to do
When there's no one to explain myself to?

And what am I going to say
When no one listens when I talk about you?


Leave me be, leave me alone
I'll soon be going my way home

Let me stay the person me
Leave me alone and leave me be.
I can't see you anymore
Oh, are you still there?
Sorry, I thought you'd left,
And I didn't know where.
It's okay if you're gone,
I've been discovering me;
Maybe someday I'll know who I am,
If you will just let me be.
I think of you more
And yet you think of me less
I've messed this up now.
Let go*
And taste the freedom of knowing
You don't have to *control
it all
The hardest thing
Is to **let go.
Lord, just let me sleep
I'm too exhausted to think
And I yearn to dream.
Lie
Lie
I said I wanted to go to bed
And the truth is, I did not lie
The only problem was that it
Was extremely hard to try.
I don't want to lie to you,
So don't think that you're horrible—
But I just think I'm not in a place
Where I know what love is anymore.

I don't want to lie to you,
But I also don't want to say
That I miss having someone to call mine,
'Cause I'd regret it every day.

I don't want to lie to you,
But you probably should know:
I do have a few feelings for you,
But I'm scared to let them grow.
Raise your voices high
Lift your banner to the sky
Shout what you believe.
Let the light shine over you
Don't stand there in the dark
Embrace the warmth around you
It began with just one spark.

Leave the night behind you
Don't let it grab ahold
Of all the dreams that lift you
And make you strong and bold.

Love the bright, bright sunlight
It's there to give you hope
Maybe the world's not all right
But life's brighter in this scope.
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