I've been praying for a sign
But I've been pretending not to see
Claiming I can't read
Yet here I am, dumbstruck on the ground
Knocked off my feet
And there is no easy way to piece your life together
All we can do is have hope
And you've always given me hope
You've always been my wistful hope

Words unspoken, dreams unreached
The spell is broken; time's incomplete.
My eyes now closed as you speak to me,
My heart is folded and it's corners weep.
The tears that gather here are not mine,
Just as the rain as it falls belongs to none,
But by the time it's gathered is nearly gone...

I am my own favorite joke.

I remember my young body
Barely free of stitches
You placed me on a motorcycle
And laughed when I crashed

Want to play a game
Lie to me
See what happens
It will be so fun to watch me at war with myself
My natural inclination to trust
Versus my accumulated skepticism

Oh it will drive me mad you see
Throwing my limbs against the wall
Trying to see how far they'll bounce off
And when I discern the situation
I become a lot more cold
Than you are used to
The one who dried your tears
Turns their back
Says grow up

Now every word
Every act will be treated as lies
Because once I find one lie
I will give up on finding any truth

why are the thoughts back
they arent supposed to be back
i dont want them
please go away
go away
AWAY
i just want to be poisoned
because i am poison
and i crave poison
the narcissist
i need to see my crystal clear reflection
that is disarmingly toxic
and delicious
oh my poison
my sweet poison
on my lips
i swallow you
swallow
swallow the truth
the truth is
i am gone

Call me your knife
For I am the one moving deeply against your flesh
For I am the slick blade that finally draws blood
For I am the weapon that at last pierces straight through

"Don't touch me...*"

But that's all I want
Touch me
Please just touch me
Even though I'm fractured and broken it's all I want
You frame my face in your hands and call me beautiful
But you've never asked why I wear warm clothes year round
I want you to touch me
Down my side beneath my sweater
Over my thighs seemingly permanently masked by dark jeans
Across my stomach and around my back
Touch me
Trace all these fractured cracks that were abandoned
Abandoned and called imperfect when my title was taken from me
You call me beautiful to my face
But can you say it to all of me
Touch me
And show me what I mean to you

let's just say that i'm drunk enough to sober you

I'm seriously broken
I don't know how to be physical with you
Not when emotions are involved
How can I give myself away to a blank face
Given away to a blur of a stranger
But you, I can barely look at

I'm seriously broken
If I don't know how to love someone
With my body and my heart
I always pick and choose
And I don't want to do that to you

But I'm seriously broken
I can't give you the girl you want
I can't be the girl you'd love

All I can manage is a smoke littered conversation
And one night of less than empty sheets...

i'm afraid now
because what if you can't

                                        can't
           ­                             don't
                           ­             won't



you can always think you know someone so well
until you see the parts of them that are ghosts

                                                         ­   ghosts
                                                      ­      vampires
                                               ­             werewolves

          and let's not forget the DEMONS

                   because on the inside
                              i'm always  **Halloween

Inside jokes

                     Late night rendezvous

                                                         There's no nerd

          That drives me more crazy than you

As I walk to meet you, the flashbacks set in...
          Of running to greet you out in the rain,
          Of two am phone calls that erased the pain...
          I remember whispering I love you.

With your strong hold, embrace me; keep me close.
          *I recall the first time I felt safe with you...

Fingers slide down your throat
It's hard to forget, as you choke
Every bite you took today
Stupid girl, disgusting shape

Watch it come back one by one
Tasting it twice is half the fun
See the colors mix and swirl
Till your marker appears in the bowl

Wash your face, wipe your mouth
Now that you're sure it's all out
Look your reflection in the eye
Smile, like you don't want it to die

Don't fall for me.
I won't even see you when you stare,
Never mind catch you when you fall.

Don't fall for me.
Because I'm not the air rushing past your face,
I'm the cold, hard slap when you hit the dirt.

Don't fall for me.
Love songs and serenades only meet my deaf ears,
Mountain top shouts, the result'd bring you to tears.


Don't fall for me.
I'm not the type to notice,
I'm not the type to feel the same.

Maybe I don't like to admit when I'm wrong
But then again, neither do you
Maybe trying to find each other in foreign places was the worst way to meet
But your heart eludes even you
Maybe I should have shown you honey before stone
But stone walls have always been safer
Maybe I was never good at knowing who to trust
But I thought that I could let you in
Maybe taking shots in the dark is ineffective
But it doesn't matter now that my heart's broke again

...

Sometimes


                    your sadness


                                            doesn't fit


                                                              into words...

It's my own fault that I wanted you to understand.

All you do is look at me
And the wounds are bleeding
Healed for months
Only to break open
I'm on the floor
Crying out to the ceiling
But it doesn't reply
I choke out why
You look down and
Reach out as if to come to my aid
Pain shoots through me
Agony draws out a scream
This is out of control
I shrink away before you can cut new holes
We're slipping on the blood coated floor
Please don't come any closer
My hands become knives
My grip on my own skin is more than I can bare
My expression pushes you off the ledge
And you wind up beside me

Somehow
Before I blackout
I feel our hands finally touch
And I smile

Let me quote you, so there is no confusion:
"**** me, **** me,"
"leave your mess for someone else to deal with."
You made the mess though and you added the anger.
You did, both of those things completely belong to you.
You don't know it, but I'm in the next room writing this, trying not to cry.
You shout, smash, and swear. I just write.
I wonder why you think it is we don't talk...
Our lack of common interest, my short temper, your short temper, my fear of you, my shame of not being good enough...

Didn't expect to see you
Country Songs
****** Car
Your smile always feels like it's just for me
Hazel Eyes
Soft Hair
I wish we talked like we used to
Endless Laughter
Whispers Goodnight
Please don't leave me again
First Love
Last Thought
At least when I fall asleep you're still here

Maybe to you I'm nothing more than shades
Of black and white.
The dark and the light at war,
tearing apart a broken body
Until it's left to waste.
Shadows haunting an already ghost of a soul.
Your shutter always sticks so that
I come out in incomplete smudges.

I used to exist in color,
But maybe that's too far gone.
Those photos are all lost
Or melted by the sun.

Red lips and brown eyes --
Glossed over now, as black.
Peachy skin and soft freckles...
Look sickly white, a dotted grey.

Your pictures are framed in galleries,
And people ponder what they may mean...
But my old photographer, all of his pictures were only meant for me.

Don't tell me maybe, I don't want to know.
I've swallowed so many maybes I'm surprised they've all stayed down.
Save your maybes for a girl who can stomach them,
For I'm already queasy.

My silence is a barbed wire I choke myself with.

i miss lying next to someone in the dark staring at the ceiling at two am
i miss breathing in and out and into each other
fragile questions and answers juggled back and forth in a lopsided rhythm that barely makes sense
i miss giving away my heart and having it looked after, and tenderly holding another precious soul in my hands
the loneliness kept at bay by simple faith in each other
i miss having arms to run to when dark skies turn stormy

i miss the promises to never let go
                                 no matter how often they were broken

the silence and the noise blur into a deafening void that consumes me.

I often wish you met me first.

If only we met before
they gave you promises of desire
they were never sure they'd keep,
before they used you
to fill their boredom in between.
I wish there was a way you'd
let yourself love me,
or try to.

I want to give you
anything and everything
you could ask for.
But you only strip off the parts
that you feel can't hurt you.
I can only guess that
the part of you that wants me too
is the same part that doesn't want to
lose yourself in someone else like them.

I just wish you met me first.

you hear the crash
shattered glass
shards fall like tears
and scatter like ashes
sharp angles glitter
glitter and shine

don't touch
don't help
don't salvage
don't hold

do not touch the glass
you'll smudge the reflection
leave prints
don't leave prints
when you let go they'll be left behind
burning deep into the fibers
like hands holding embers
like scars of war
cuts will leave scars
so

don't touch
don't help
don't salvage
don't hold

the broken glass leaves stains on your hands
on your clothes
on your mind
on your heart
blood pumping
blood pouring out
blood run cold
more than a fracture
jagged edges that will never fit the same

so *don't touch me*.

Just cut me
Just pick up the **** knife and cut me
You've already left jagged wounds
Prove that you're capable enough to inflict them to my face
I'm tired of the rocks thrown from the distance
I'm tired of the blows from behind, of the back stabs
So look me in the eyes
And cut me

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

I stare up at the clouds and wonder what you would see
           if you were still looking up with me
I imagine you're looking down now, down at earth, at me
I wonder what your laugh would sound like, grown up
My heart is trying so hard not to break every time I think
           of your sweet smile and the rest of my body shakes
The tears don't come any more, not that I was ever one to cry

When night falls
            and I see the stars, I look at my wrist and recall how
            I had to compose my self enough to tell the artist how
            to spell your name
When night falls
            the moon is still enough to light up my arm so that
            I can trace the script with my fingertips
When night falls
            I can't do anything but quietly whisper *"I'm sorry."

            **I don't know why I'm the miracle and you're the memory

I'm just thinking of the man with his flawless rhymes and carefully calculated poems
And of the most poetic boy I've ever known
Wondering why I associated both of them with the color green

      ~       ~       ~

Green eyes
I've always wanted green eyes
Green is money
Green is growth
Green is spring
Green is life
But I've seen too much death
I've touched too much death
I've caused too much death
I've loved death
I've chased it, begged it, taunted it
Death is around me
I suppose that explains the blackness of my eyes

But your eyes
Oh the eyes that take away the pain
Those warm comforting eyes
That belong to a man I love so much it kills me every time I have to say goodbye
The man who I so desperately want to share everything with
The man who protects me
Who saves me
Saves me from the lies I tell without even speaking
My best friend that I can never keep
He is only on loan for brief moments
The moments I truly need him
The man who gave me love
The man who made me greater than myself

But your eyes
The hypnotizingly icy eyes of the boy I wanted to desire
I desired more than I was allowed
More than he allowed
More than they allowed
More than I could have
I lied lies he didn't believe
I guess that proves it
He was always smarter than me
A boy with eyes that could ****
Held his kindness close to his heart
He showed it to me in fleeting shadows and whispers
The boy who let me take a breath, though perhaps I held it in for too long

don't tell me what hurts
         i could see the twisted pain written across your face

    what did you expect

you've known me so long but i know
          you don't really know me at all


you see me
                              but forget what i look like
you hear me
                              but have never really listened


                so don't tell me what hurts
                when you've never been torn in half

Cut off all my hair...
Pierce my face...
Hitchhike out to Seattle...

          You gave me up --
You can't stop me anymore.

What are we supposed to do
              with the string of hearts you've united in beautiful knots

Fading out of our lives without a chance to say goodbye

Your smile felt like home
                   and your voice was the calm in our storms
But your storm raged on
                   and you fought for so so long

         I'd like to believe you won anyway