Near Death
It seems
People really have Faith
In the Unseen

Everything was dry
The ground rock hard as my shovel dug
The leaves around me wilting from the heat
It hasn't rained for weeks
But still I scrapped at the ground
Making my hole bigger and bigger
I remembered how your hands would touch me
How you were fake when people were looking
How behind closed doors you were the monster
That everyone thought was make believe
From age six til now you were there
Turning everything I was into a nightmare.
I kept digging
You stunk beside me
A stink that would make people cringe
To me I was used to it.
My shovel scrapped loudly on rocks beside my blue house
Just big enough
The hole was
You fell in with a thump
But I knew no one would help you get out
As shovel upon shovel fell on you
I thought about how you would be remembered
With the last shovel full
I thought
You will be remembered as the man who went missing.

He wouldn't message her back
And she couldn't figure out why.  
She stayed up late going over why he didn't.  
Maybe it was because she talked too much
Or maybe she didn't talk enough
Maybe it was because she was ugly to him
Or maybe she just had a nasty personality
Maybe it was because he just never liked her after all

She stayed up thinking about all the things that could be wrong with her.  
But maybe there was something wrong with him
If he doesn't want to talk then fine.  
She doesn't have to change herself for someone and she doesn't have to play the waiting game to catch someone who will never care about her.  
The one who is perfect for you will be someone where you never have to question what they like about you.  
Because they will like it all.  As it comes.

Another year and look where I am
Hands deep in my pockets
But no longer depressed
I haven't cut in forever
No painting myself red
I haven't hated myself
Hated my name

I left all that behind in 2018

You didn't.
You stopped in 2016
Dead in the phase when we all were trying to find a reason to live.  
You really did die
When we all were pretending to be
You didn't leave the phase that left me
In 2018

I closed it all
My eyes
My mouth
I closed out everyone
I took a deep breath
And opened my heart
Made a wish
On one little star
I opened my eyes
Hoping it came true
But all I saw
Was one little star
And I was me
In a world where
Nothing you dreamed of ever came true.

From your lips
Poetry never sounded so good
Rolled off your tongue
And into the air
And I breathed it in
A high like no other
From just words

Air deeply breathing
Comes in as fall
Another Loving
Crisp cold in the air
Should be just as it

Sentences left open
Never met a wanting
It open just to leave
To inspect for the brain
To fill in or maybe the kind

A creak in the floor
Chills cover my skin
Once thought I was alone
Not anymore
Checking all corners
Not a single soul
But then the ceiling creaks
Telling me
This is not just my home
The books hold stories
Not only held by me
It is odd
How in the silence
You really hear
The oddly creaks

People work for the money
Work to support others.  
But all I have ever wanted was a bit of happiness

People go to college for the money it may bring
People go for a job it promises
We do things for the promise that money brings happiness.  

I don't care about the money.  
I don't care about the job.  
I just want a bit of happiness that may come along
Money only brings security and will only leave you empty.  

People work for money
For the promise of happiness
But money doesn't give you anything
But an endless emptiness.

No more tears for me.
Rap and punching
Pain is my new relief.

I got something to ask
For you only, darling
My brown eyed bear
My love of all loves

Will you miss me when the world gets dark?
Will you kiss me even when I am old?
Will you love me through the pain?

I have a question for you
My sun and my world
My air and my ocean

Will you be my rock and will you let me be yours?
Can I be the smile on your cheeks?
Or the pep in your step?
Can I be the reason for your laugh and the reason for your happiness?

Can I be yours?

Alone in the silent light
I sit
So quiet
It almost hurts the ears
A whisper
Sounds like a yell
And things in the walls seem to move
Creaking and groaning
As if some lurked
Within the books
I called my home.

I stand under this lamp-post
Not really thinking
Lost in all my dreaming
All the darkness that surrounds
Amplifying ever sound
The little light
This Lamp-post gives
Never penetrating the darkness around
So here I will stand
In the light you give
Because you are the light
In my darkness
And without you
I would be doomed
To walk this never ending eternity of darkness

Words left unspoken
Memories blown away
Because we didn't last
Your words frozen in time
Your body 6 feet underground
I should have said more
Asked more about you
But you seemed busy with friends
Who cared for you
I faded away
Because our friendship didn't last
But the memories we had
Did last
How we laughed together
And you called me a little gay
On the inside
I should have said hello
Because I never got to say goodbye.

It is hard
To write
When all the words I want to say
Are scrambled up inside
Poems about love and betrayal.  
It just seems so overused
But no matter what
It is hard
To write
Anything other then about that.

Anything
I will take anything to get this feeling out of my chest
This headache out of my head
I can't take it.
I want it out
with blood
with a pill
with cancer in a stick.
Anything please
Just make me forget I exist.
I just wish
I loved life a little less.

I held you from afar
   But the words you said
      Cut deeper
         Than any knife ever would
             Until I bled
                 Far
            Far
     Far
         Down below
And you watched me die.

I'm depressed
And need a hug

I wish I had someone
I wish I had someone to run too
But now I am the last one
All alone
Everyone I know dead
So now I walk this path
All alone
And covered in ash.
Being last to live
Doesn't make you a survivor
It leaves you sad
And wanting more.
I am not a winner
I am a loser
For not dying with the rest

Breath in and out
Just a little sore
Neck, back, knees
Thighs, arms, shoulders
Some on purpose
Others from age
I wasn't like this before
But I have gotten better from a year ago.
You struggle
You survive
Breathing air
Until your heart works itself to death
And you die as well

Jump without a parachute
Don't look before I cross
Take more pills then prescibed
Will this make the pain in my chest go away
Will this make my face stop crying
Will death take a failer like me.

My hair curly and frizzy in the summer heat
But not a speck of sweat touched my young face.  
You looked at me with a sweaty smile as we walked through the heat.  
My frizzy hair blowing in the wind
I wonder what I look like through your eyes.  

Do I look beautiful?  Even in the heat?
You say you will love me no matter what.  
Even when old age hits us both?
And we won't look flawless anymore?
Even when my curves will turn into wrinkles?

But still.  I will have my frizzy hair
And a love for you
That never started with how you looked.

Separated by a wall
No talking to each other
Won't open their heart to the other
Walls built from the heart break of others.  
Wishes said and never answered
Just for some communication and not so many secrets
They won't open their heart to me.  
And it hurts to know they are hiding things
But I am nice and I am trustworthy.  
No jealously will come from me
So games begin of pretending to not notice
As my walls have fell down
But theirs have not
I wish on a star for their walls to fall down
Cause even when we are touching
It feels like touching nothing.

Bumblebee
Sweetheart
You have stole my heart
The poetry you write
Seeps into my soul
A beautiful cup of tea
Hot and ready
And I will drink deeply
And give my tea
Back to thy
My perfect
Bumblebee.

I am not living to make myself happy
I am living to make my parents happy.
All my choices are all for my parents
They have taken my life in their hands.
Molding me into something I never wanted to be
But maybe
If I do all they want and go to places I never wanted to go
They will finally love me...

Jewellery and trinkets
Are nothing compared to your hug
Even though
I love a shiny thing
It doesn't matter
When I have your love
Gift or not
I love you deeply
Even if we have neither a penny to our name

What is tho smile?
And why shine so bright?
You are a flower
In a field of thorns
But you shine so bright
Giving off so much beauty
I can't help
But take the thorns for you
So you can grow straight out to the sky

The walls have ears
Whether it be a dog
Or a child near
The walls have ears
So your secrets are never just yours
Cause all walls have ears
And your secret
And all your lies
Will be known
Cause the child hears.

Past
Present
Future
All mixed up in that first hit.  
I didn't know it felt this way
And no one prepared me
But god was it confusing
How I couldn't tell if you were actually with me.  
I couldn't tell what time it was and my head felt really dizzy.  
I couldn't put together words because I was focusing on you
On who you were.  
How you felt.  
So I wouldn't panic.  
My first hit
And it leaves me wanting to feel lost again.

Tick Tock
I can't help it

Tick Tock
I can't help that when I am alone
I see you with her

Tick Tock
All the seconds I see you kissing her
When you promised me
Forever

Tick Tock
I can't tell you how I feel
But the seconds keep going by.
And every second that goes by

Tick Tock
I feel like I never even had you to begin with

Tick Tock
You run off to her.
Because she keeps your bed warm at night

Tick Tock
You think I don't know

Tick Tock
But when you kiss me
When you hug me

Tick Tock
I know it isn't for me anymore
She won
I lost

Tick Tock
And now I have nothing
But empty sheets
And a gun
That promises sanity

Click

Confused and dark
Time slipping away with every blink
Holding my head trying to find reality
But there is you
My reminder this is real
This feeling will fade
With the confidence it brings
Anxiety and depression with the waves
I panic
Is this real?
The smoke and the high?
Me kissing your lips and savoring the sweet.  
I touch your chest
This doesn't feel real
But it will fade
But, god did I get lucky to have you
Through the smoke and the high

My brain is stuck in cruise
And sometimes I get lost
Lost on words and emotions
Stuck on what I should be feelin
Head poundin and medication low
My brain is stuck in cruise
Just goin with the flow
Maybe I am addicted
Or maybe this is withdraw
But baby I am stuck
Stuck on words to stay to you

The cuts stung as we held hands.
The hot car made us sweat
Burning my cuts
But I stayed quiet
You knew they were there
I could see it in your eyes
But I couldn't tell you why
You thought it was your fault
So I promised to stop
But I broke it
Cause you were never the reason why.

It hurts on the inside
Hiccuping crying
Screaming inside and wanting to outside
Saying things we didn't mean
But you never said sorry
Only me
It hurts like a stab wound left to rot
The scar will stay of what you said
Tears have gone dry
So have my emotions
Left drained and withered
I have nothing to say
Just a hurt on the inside.
An endless pain
That you are not sorry for
Cause you meant everything

I love you was written on your lips
And when you said it
I fell deep for you
Every kiss in between words
And random things said when least expected
Pictures taken and all the laughs
But, "I love you" stole my heart
It left me gasping for air
As I said it back
I love you and I promise you.  
I will keep you until the last breath has escaped me and long after that.

Secrets, Secrets under my skin
And you act like you know where I have been
Lies, lies you think your right
But you can tell your lies with all your might
No one will believe you because you lie through the night.
Rumors, Rumors about what I may have did.
Everyone believes them and it spreads like sins
Secrets, secrets tell me what you said
For everyone believes I messed with him when I never did
Liar, Liar you know what you did
Don't act all innocent for what you said.
Karma will get you in the end
You are too full of sin.

No matter what i do the nightmares come back of what happened in 2013.
I didnt say anything.  
Held it a secret that hurt my heart.  
I am guilty and upset but it wasnt my fault.
Right?  
Even if taken to law.  
You will get away with it
My word against yours
And years of difference of what you scarred me with.

I want to disappear.
Straight into the abyss
But it is almost my birthday.
In 2 hours
So why do I feel like ****?

The guilt in my chest.
But I can't go back.
I know.
The future is unhealthy and unstable
But the guilt of disappointing everyone that liked us.
Do I go back?
Fake it all
Act like everything is alright to make everyone happy.
What do I do....

Tiny Fireflies fly by
This dark night
Catch one in excite

Make a single wish
On fireflies
Let it go this night

A full witches moon
Lights up Sky
Making wishes true

Making small dreams
A reality
To make them happy

Don't say a word.
Because then they won't see.
You are not as perfect.
As they think you are.

Stuck in my head
It is a huge mushy mess
  Anxiety
       Overthinking
               Depression
       Insomnia
  Over reacting
Some days are better
                      Most days are better
But my head is still a mess
Just a little more
    well dressed.

I took the leap into the unknown not knowing where it went.  
I am hurt and I am lost
But I am hoping someone will catch me
Or at least there will be water.

Love me bitter
Love me sweet
Just sweep me off my feet
Sugar and spice
Oh you are so nice
A perfect combination
Of me and you
Just enough to make any couple.
Drool.

Half way through the year
And what have you did,  oh dear...  
Have you gave to people in need?
No,  you stay in the way.  
Like a ****.  
You focus on your self hoping you never delay
But the year isn't over.  
You still have time
To change the fate of the world
Even if you just have a dime.