Shots
fired
armor donned
shielding the softness
displayed so openly
in the springtime haze
of youth
fear chokes trust
persuades us
that everyone
is hiding a knife up their sleeve
we package up our vulnerability
wrap our heart in bubble wrap
expecting each wound
to bleed a little less
but healing is impossible
in the absence
of oxygen.

Esther L. Krenzin.

no matter the distance
or all the missed phonecalls
and unread texts
in a way
a small piece of my heart
will always belong
to you
my first love
and first heartbreak.

Esther L. Krenzin

love
is what they name it
through pursed lips
forgetting themselves
and the children exposed
who learn
that it is a disease
and
violent fists
vibrant bruises
and hollow eyes
are the symptoms
and the so the children grow up
unable to distinguish the difference
from being in love
and being in pain.

Esther L. Krenzin

like a flower
straining for the sun
my petals are lifting
towards your warmth

like a shadow
clinging to the sun
restless, i followed you
a star-struck fool
waiting around
for your love.

Esther L. Krenzin

i’m staring at this blank page again
wondering what to write
when the words lock themselves away
and i am left with nothing but myself
how lonely that is
how e m p t y i am
my fingers twitch as if to reach
for something
my feet itch to run towards a better life
but every morning
with the rise of the sun
i don the same garb
walk the same walk
until i am drowning in the repetitiveness of it all
until i wonder why i’m even here
“there must be more to this life“
i think
and watch everyone move on without me
at a speed so great
i am coughing up dust
coughing up the lies i told myself
so that i could remain a shriveled thing
instead of swimming towards the light
but the light hurts
it blinds my eyes
and pulls sobs from little nooks and crannies
i thought were vacant

Esther L. Krenzin

one day
you will realize
that they are never coming back
and that will be the day
you finally grieve

Esther l. Krenzin

there is a well of sorrow
so deep
it cannot be articulated with tears
an ache
so fierce
it consumes you
until all that you perceive
is all that you have lost

they are never coming back
let them go
it’s time
this road does not lead to happiness
deep breaths
i know it hurts
but we are strong
and we can open our hearts to forgiveness
don’t disappear
i see you
your still here
trying to hide
but that cannot keep you safe, dear one
nothing of this world can keep heartbreak
from knocking on your door.

Esther L. Krenzin

you look in the mirror
and are weary
of the person you have become
knowing that they too, are weary of her
that they too, wish for the you of the past
because the you of the future
is nothing but hollowness
a graveyard of joy
a tomb of hope
a resting place for the light that will not return
you bid it goodbye
and it was happy to leave

Esther L. Krenzin

she wanted me
to change my size for her
like i was an wrong pair of shoes
but it wasn’t me
that didn’t fit
i had outgrown her
a long time ago

Esther L. Krenzin

it is a disservice to your heart
to pretend it doesn’t exist
or what it’s trying to tell you
doesn’t matter
sometimes it will be
all that you have left
so give it the love you want in return

Esther L. Krenzin

i can’t hear it anymore
the steady
thump thump thump
of the rock in my rib cage
i’ve tried to beat it back to life
with my fists
but it remained unresponsive
i looked at the filter of sunbeams between leaves
and waited for the feather-light touch
of emotion
i waited till dusk
and still it did not come  
i knew i was not dead
my veins thrummed
eyes blinked
muscles twitched
but the gaping hole in my chest
remained.

Esther L. Krenzin

It robs us of our dignity
pilfers our humanity
and steals us away to
make love with greed
nothing is spared on its warpath
there is no consideration for the collateral
because the promise of something that will serve
the continuation of corruption
matters more than the lives it will crush

Esther Krenzin

I am the **** you do not notice
next to the saccharine flower
the one that silently grows
in the others shadow
the one that spreads itself out
and declares its space on the earth
while others are preoccupied watching the ephemeral flower bloom

It’s so loud out here
my edges curl  
and shrivel inward until I am
quiet
the thick bones of my neck collapse
weary from holding up a head
that wants to bow over in despair
but there is a tug
on my heartstrings
and it leads me to the surface
where all the wars are fought
“this is not where you belong”
it whispers
and takes my hand
to guide me under again
“here, where roots are deep, this is the refuge you seek.”

Esther Krenzin

we fight until there is no in between
until homes are reduced
to wastelands
until we feel incomplete without
a gun in our hand
and still the children go hungry
still the mothers are weary
still the fathers die early

Esther Krenzin

send me away
to a place where i can scream
until my face turns blue
to a place where i have permission
to grieve
to a place where despair is a art
instead of a sin
send me away
for i cannot find that here

Esther Krenzin

not all of us were born stars
some of us were born as the darkness
in between
that exists solely for them to shine
all the brighter

Esther Krenzin

we are all born
with dreams that have a
expiration date
but some expire
before others

Esther Krenzin

i could carve the moon
out of the sky
and serve it on a silver platter
but still
it would not be enough

Esther Krenzin

you don’t realize
how much you’ve lost
until you are looking at photographs
of people long past
and memories of better times
there comes a quiet ache
that tugs at your heartstrings
and says “remember when?”
then comes the mourning
of what can not be
again

Esther Krenzin

we are fish out of water
landlocked somewhere
we’d rather not be
and it is our own hands
that sew our gills shut
so that we cannot
b r e a t h e

Esther Krenzin

love is a desperate plunge
into the unknown
it is baring the softest parts
of yourself
in trust they won’t be abused
it may be the most reckless act
to love someone so completely
you forget you were whole
before they came along

Esther Krenzin

i blinked
and years passed on their own
abandoning me
goodbyes still lingering on
lips dusted in salt
dredges of memory
are all that remain of
such a fragile dream
but even dreams can quickly turn
to nightmares
haunting and taunting
with what could have been
in a time so long ago

even  after i’ve laid it to rest
buried it beneath earthy soil
and cut it from my lungs
a whisper remains in my veins
working it’s way
to the beat within my rib cage
“i’m still here, i’m still here”
it murmurs
blanketing my eyes
until all i can see
is what could have been

Esther Krenzin

it is a slow awakening
that i crave
i thought i wanted you to fill me
with understanding
but lord, treat me with care
touch me in small ways
i know i have built a dam
to keep you out
but i have been drowning for so long
that i cannot tell help
from harm

Esther Krenzin

i cried rivers of salt
thinking it would change things
that perhaps they would hear
and comfort me
in the end nothing changed but my
expectations
i no longer expected good from people
who had no good left to give.

Esther Krenzin

you thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore
it wasn’t supposed to
when they took advantage of you again
or stabbed you in the back
but no matter how many times you built up your wall
it was never thick enough to stop the knife

-Esther Krenzin

i was built
on the crest of a wave
and swelling roll of tide
and i was not forged
to walk on my knees
just so that others may
know peace

Esther Krenzin

you took my heart
from it’s home
and i consented to it
sure that you could be trusted
with the weight
i was wrong
you began to complain about how heavy it was
you grew weary from holding it next to yours
so you
snipped the ties
and let
it
f a l l

-Esther Krenzin

the story you tell yourself
is the story you live out

Esther L. Krenzin

oh lord
i promise to be good
and true to my word
i promise to look people in the eye
and treat them with the respect they deserve
i promise to try harder
be stronger
and less fragile
grant me this plea
this prayer in the stillness of my heart
just give me one more day to live
one last chance to see the sun set
one final chance to make amends
and say all that twists itself tight in my throat
i beg you to spare me
i thought i wanted death
i wanted it so badly my lips were bitter with tears
it seemed better than facing the world
it seemed easier than facing myself
and the ones i claim to love (yet hurt so badly)
wouldn't everyone be happier
if i just disappeared
into the night
onto the welcoming cement so far below
it beckoned me
and
i
  threw
   myself
    into
     its
      arms
it is only when i struggle to draw breathe
that it hits
and ravages whats left of me
i realize i wanted to grow old
and watch my children prosper
i wanted to stare out at the world one day
and smile at what i saw
i wanted to live for all that i was to gain
and lose
so what if it hurt
so what if i was broken
so what if it was hard
it was still a gift
one that i had wasted so thoughtlessly
lord
if you are there
do not judge me when i come before you
i wanted wanted reprieve and looked for it in all the wrong places
and it was my demise
Esther L. Krenzin

i want to spread love
as generously as jam
but there is this hollowness
i cant seem to fill
Esther L. Krenzin

its not your fault
you cant understand
my body speaks a language
your tongue cant pronounce
Esther L. Krenzin

her soul is parched
from wandering through deserts
looking for a oasis
she'll never find
Esther L. Krenzin

she gave
the very flesh off her back
and it was her demise
Esther L. Krenzin

some of us are born
with a brokenness
that warps spines
thins blood
and harbors diseases
even the doctors cant diagnose.
Esther L. Krenzin

i treat you this way
because i cant afford to acknowledge your pain
if i did
i'd have to acknowledge my own.
Esther L. Krenzin

im too young
to be this broken
im too young
to feel this old
Esther L. Krenzin

they nod their head
as if they understand
but don't fool with me
your eyes are glazed
and the notes that you are scribbling
cant measure the pain ive felt
i pull out the symptoms from clenched teeth
legs swinging in the air
on and on
an endless list
you grow restless
and when i open my mouth to continue
you walk out the door
that's when i realize
even the doctors don't know what to do with me
Esther L. Krenzin

there is a door at the foot of my ribcage
that says "do not enter"
yet they knock anyways
inviting themselves into my home
only to leave
when they've seen enough.
Esther L. Krenzin

don't expect me to be easy
theres a fire in my gut
and i wont put it out
for the likes of
y
o
  u

Esther L. Krenzin

they promise to stay
but at one glance of your claws
they run away with their tails
between their legs.
Esther L. Krenzin

i know you
better than you know yourself
i have been here since the beginning
when you first entered the world
fresh from your mothers womb
i was with you
when you threw yourself at my feet
and beat the ground with your fists
i have been with you
all the times you wept on cool tile floors
wondering so desperately what went wrong
Esther L. Krenzin

because of you
i hated being a girl
you shoved hush
between my lips
and force-fed me the illusion
that i wasn’t allowed
to take up space
Esther L. Krenzin
Rogue song

i hold myself steady
under your frown
not allowing even a twitch
of how your disapproval chews away at me
to show on features so painfully bland
i've been dealing with thorns
for so long
that i no longer need gloves.

Esther L. Krenzin

mother
we are cut from the same cloth
you and i
we do not know how to be anything but
the giver
the helper
the lover
who bends over backwards
with no fuel
we split ourselves open for others
and wonder why it stings
when we sew ourselves up again.

Esther L. Krenzin

you were half sweet
half sour
and i burned my tongue
when i devoured you
whole.

Esther L. Krenzin

swaying on the brink of the rooftop
i drink in the world below
and burn it into my eyes
for my breaths are few and far between
a reminder of the borrowed time
i've been clutching to
a heaving chest

tears kiss my cheeks
its twilight and my limbs have turned
to lead
suddenly, there is no promise for the future
suddenly, i wish for respite
to end the existence that once seemed
so bright and full
but now is as hollow as my words

and no form of "sorry"
can save me now
sob it to my cooling corpse
force it into empty lungs
scream it until i turn blue
you cant help me
and theres no way out
but
down.

Esther L. Krenzin