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198 · Feb 2022
whoops
louella Feb 2022
love ain’t pretty
but i am not looking for a hospital without blood
2/19/22
196 · Jul 2022
text anxiety
louella Jul 2022
text bubbles moving
as i wait for a carefully
calculated response.
the anticipation is brutal.
sentences ending with lol
cause there is nothing else
to say, but if i stop speaking
it will be rude and offensive.
the screen lights up and
your name flashes by and
my pulse increases in speed.
how do i respond…
this is what happens when i text people
7/19/22
193 · Apr 2022
shower thoughts ll
louella Apr 2022
would it be easier if i was prettier?
being pretty sounds so wonderful and simple
maybe that’s why i don’t fit in at this cemetery-like building

4/27/22
191 · Jul 2024
echoes
louella Jul 2024
all i do is write and hope you call.
sweaty hands on shaky pens.
the dreamworld i imagine has you in it,
but i cannot touch it or it crumbles.
and what kind of sanctuary did i build for myself acting like you’ll keep reaching out till your lungs start to shrivel?
my own imposter syndrome kills me
from the inside out
and i’m sorry i never quite saw myself in the light you envisioned.
all i do is write and watch the wall.
imagine it being my friend
imagine it being unable to punch a hole in
but just as it is, my doubts come hurling;
there’s a hole in your stomach the size of my avoidance.

i hide without the possibility of seek,
without the capability of you finding me
in the deep deep woods of my heart.

we are echoes to each other’s empty corridors.
you bounce off the walls and the noise is gone before i speak.
but if i just speak up, will you hear my throat scratch,
will you wait till the next little creak?
if i chose to find my way out of the hallway,
will you just be standing staring at a wall?
or will you come and find me
collecting my screams
and committing them to memory
so that the echoes are just reminders of
what you’re truly searching for?

all i do is write and hope you call.
hope you sit and remember the nights
and contemplate diving headfirst into what terrifies you.
hope you use reveries to daydream about me,
hope you patch up the holes you’ve received.

hope the indecision doesn’t haunt me
doesn’t echo in my corridor
doesn’t call with your voice in the darkness.
hope i never mistake it for your tender care,
hope i never come running at it with bared teeth and teardrops,
wishing it dead.
hope i never become the bitter villain that forgets how to love
and both hands become weapons
pointed and primed
waiting for someone’s weakness to define their demise.

all i do is write and hope you call
and lose my mind thinking of you giving your all
to someone who won’t reciprocate it,
someone who’s still hoping you’ll search for them
even though they do not wish to be found.
it’s so hard to communicate. it’s so stupid that i struggle with it, but i do. i want people to love me, but i push them away anyway so it’s unfair to ask them for so much. idk, i just feel lost.

7/30/24
187 · Dec 2022
raining
louella Dec 2022
it’s been raining for centuries
into the bottle i have put out on the porch
watching the water drizzle into its plastic casing
having knocked it over every single time i try to pick it up
i let it sit by its lonesome,
but by the time i got up that morning,
the bottle was knocked over and the water was trickling out
i buried my face in my palms
as nothing i love is permanent
not even these tears of mine
first period sad be like:

10/18/22
183 · Aug 2024
i need a friend
louella Aug 2024
need a friend?
the doubts live inside of me like citizens
that walk slowly in courthouses ready to sue.
all their passions are out of wack,
they only know how to survive by shooting down others.
every hollow house i was led to, hand in hand,
as i trusted you to guide me.
i need a friend.
i need the fever, the fire, the rage, the shooting star, the red seething blood.
any warmth to remind myself of tenderness,
even if it is without at the core.
i need anticipatory silence, waiting your filthy hands to slap the dinner table and i rush to clean the shattered plates.
don’t hurt me,
be gentle,
don’t make me smaller.
make me smaller,
make me writhe,
make me smaller,
quieter, less of a burden.
be responsive,
make me spill.
i need a friend.
the panic has large hands that choke me,
has a large frame to push me deep
and never lift me out.
though, i will not make do with violence,
i am not silent when it comes to love that festers.
need a friend?
the breaths i take will be for you.
the day is wicked
and you are so tender,
i would like this meal to be filling,
i would like you to stay a while.
i need a friend more than ever right now. i am completely unsure of how to meet people in college. i don’t even know where to start

written: 8/16/24
published: 8/18/24
182 · Apr 2022
shower thoughts
louella Apr 2022
funny how smiles make wrinkles on your face
and we deem no wrinkles as “beautiful”

we as a society love sad people
kinda deep lol
4/15/22
louella Jun 2024
by the time i’ve woken up,
with my wooly socks pressed underneath blankets,
you’re already gone.
i don’t believe in myself
when the people i love leave cause they can’t contend with my
dagger defenses
and my ugly weapons.
i wish so, i wasn’t so dangerous with the ones
who give me a warm bed to sleep on
a warm mug of tea,
soft little socks so my feet don’t freeze
and they call me the things i want to hear
but not because i forced it out of their mouths,
but because they really want to.

and by the time you leave, i’ve already understood why you had to exit the house,
pack all your belongings into your flimsy *******,
and escape from the scene.
i’ve already made sense of your decision and the vicious cycle i let you tumble through;
it’s not fair.
the way i keep you a distance you wish was much closer,
or how i convince myself that this could conclude with no closure.
your lungs cannot bear my unhealthy air.
the room is all dusty,
filled corners with my despair.
i’m laying here still,
as still as one can when they’re losing their mind.

and by the time i’ve woken up, you’re already gone without a trace
and i will not chase you;
i can’t.
i’ll lay here in waist deep shame.
i was inspired about a lyric about waking up with someone there or something. i don’t have any personal anecdotes about that, so i just went metaphorical.

6/11/24
louella Oct 2023
dusty window sills; my innocence lost
desert inhabitable leaves no cause.
lifeboats left in the middle of ocean;
salt-licked bony ribs rapid in motion.
pretending so that life seems easier.
undecided, seventeen, pleasing her.
a bleak room haunted by sunken ghost ships
autumn leaves in gutters; i still lose it.
rivers dried up, lake evaporated.
plain truth on my tongue, i just can’t say it.
yet underneath there is a tiny ember;
flesh of hope, flash of what i remember.
from the vessel, i catch glimpse of dry land.
pulling the bow upon the shore, i can.
kind of a sonnet or whatever, not really. i’m bad at writing poetry anymore. searows inspired the rest of this poem. guard dog.

started writing: 10/15/23
published: 10/22/23
louella Jan 2022
u know i write for no one
not a single eye judges or plants bias into my
poetry or what i wish it could be
or how i want it to be perceived
i write for no one
not for my mother or the old lady at the grocery store
i write because if i don’t, i will bleed from the inside out
or throw up my guts and love that burning from the acids in my stomach
i write for no one
so nothing can phase me
i want criticism, i just don’t think i want to admit the genuine me
i will be fatigued by the corse fingernails digging beneath my skin
using me as a fix
i write for no one
because i write for me
without the pressure of a crowd or a community
it is me, the one singular being
i taste the residue of the tinted pages
and blow up like a puffer fish
while every rabbit of my emotional baggage
gets eaten by a snow fox
it’s at my fingertips
and i feel enough
i write for no one as i write to u
and that’s why it’s the most compelling thing to do
I don’t write for anyone
And no one can change that

1/10/22
174 · Dec 2024
i’ll drink it down
louella Dec 2024
i'll drink it down:
the unmanageable pain
and lose my worth in the process.
the strength i’ve tried to pretend to have
since i was a little child
who discovered not having love
defines me.
i was always undeserving,
just once someone told me i wasn’t
that i could be happy
and foolish me believed them.
i’ll drink it down:
get wasted to forget
to change myself so that i am unrecognizable.
i believed in miracles,
but perhaps that was naïve.
i’ll drink it down:
the sorrow until it is one with my skin
until it is buried,
until it is unrecognizable.
until that is all i am.
all i feel is hurt. i’m sick of writing about the same emptiness so i’ll probably stop writing for a bit. it just hurts.

12/3/24
173 · Jun 2024
killer
louella Jun 2024
killer, i have your blood on my hands
and a pool around me.
no intentions of losing you today
but still i let the gray of sadness
devour me
until it convinces me there’s no one else.
and you were something of a stand-up guy
and i’m a woman who sits down quiet
and makes problems out of her tender relationships.
killer, i have nothing to say to you
after everything. i wished i used you instead
then you could hate me
and bruise my heart
instead of me bruising yours.
i have all these dreams where it goes right
and the ringtone reaches your little line
and the laughter flows like honey from the earth.
killer, i am such a danger to your vibrant fuse, your dance moves.
we are glowing stars blind to each other’s light.
i lie down in a pool of your blood,
ashamed that i had to take the knife
and force an ending upon you.
killer, how did i ever expect to be loved if i
i didn’t even welcome such a thing in?
killer with two definitions.

6/8/24
louella Nov 2023
mattress stained with blood
nightgown hanging from a crooked branch
you look as if you’ve died and never got to Heaven
because your toes are stoved and purplely black
and i set my house on fire because your touch already feels like flames
it felt familiar
and although i hate your guts
somehow i escape my house unscathed in a plaid skirt in the middle of the midwest
and i assume you’ve relocated me from the scene of your crime
i scream into the smoky air
your sentences choke me—continually repulsed by the audacity you have to speak.
disappear, you vapid creature.
haha ***** you. again and again.

written yesterday
published:
11/23/23

happy thanksgiving
169 · Apr 2024
apology for
louella Apr 2024
i’m sorry
that i crumbled walls that we built standing up in a time of depression
an immediate regression
of faults and “i’m so terribly sorry”
you could’ve held me
i could’ve been your girl
if i didn’t take the sharp end of the sword
and push it in your back
as you let out a yelp
i’m sorry i wish i would’ve asked someone for help

to help bandage you up
those broken twisted bones
i was selfish
and opaque
i couldn’t let you stay
in a haven built just for my oppressive skeleton
build you some magic
then take it and grab it
and force it away
now i’m stuck in the same
pattern of anger
and “i knew you better”
no one can fix this
not bandages nor warm weather

i’m so sorry i’m selfish
i turned us to dust
no, i never loved you
i just wanted to be loved
someone to touch my back
and reassure me
make sure that i am the one in their favorite dreams
about becoming the hero
and being superior
you scraped your knees on my concrete
my hard rock consistency
you shattered my pattern of irregularity
but i never made it over the wall we built
with our sweaty fingers and our puffy cheeks
till it crumbled at my feet
and i slowly stepped over it
just for me to see you
stuck in the rubble.
you reached your hand out,
but i completely ignored it
i’m sorry, my darling, i hope you don’t hold it
against me forever
cause i would’ve loved you better.

i could’ve loved you better.


i should’ve loved you better.
you. w.

4/19/24
167 · Jun 2024
blaze
louella Jun 2024
a friend to me is like a bullet,
a little sting entering my body.
a friend to me is a swarm of flies,
an unmanageable mess.
a friend to me is someone broken and ruined on the inside.
i love elusively and leave a forest fire in my trail.
you try to call the firefighters to calm my erratic flames,
but you cannot stop me from sabotaging.
you cannot stop me from being alone.
but i love you with every inch of my soul,
hurting when i see your letters slowly disappear from the mailbox.
the fire is violent and you are not fireproof;
though sometimes i dream you are.
i dream i swallow my worries and hurl them in a suitcase down a cliffside.
i dream i don’t burn down the house we built,
instead i reconstruct it when it starts to shake.
you cannot love me from a distance—
i completely understand,
that you wouldn’t char your fingers;
you wouldn’t have any left to touch me with,
sweetly and so compassionately.  
i cause the deaths of so many beautiful things because i fear they will fall apart anyway.
i feared you would run away,
leave me dusty and frail,
but you loved me until you couldn’t anymore
until my fire singed your skin
and your soul just couldn’t bear one more second of torture.
i understand fully why you had to let me go.
writing is so cathartic.
about you and me and of course, about the uncertainty.

written yesterday
published: 6/7/24
louella Jul 2024
your existence is a knife in the back;
i can’t complain,
i let you in with your murderous crime-plotting hands.
i stayed put and watched the blood drip
down each leg.
i didn’t try to plug the wounds.
i wanted you to hold me till my breath stopped and the time slowed to a lull,
till i laid limp in your arms,
still and hushed.
i wanted to be touched undecidedly
not knowing where to place the mess you left behind.
i wanted to haunt the memories in the front of your mind,
swiftly slithering about,
till all you knew was what you had done,
but it was passion
and yet i love you still.
i thought of the first few lines right before i went to bed and was too lazy to write them down. when i woke up, i had remembered most of those beginning lines.

started 7/1/24 and finished 7/3/24
published: 7/9/24
louella Mar 2024
i never loved you like that
it was just that you were
a raft to my dehydrated,
ocean-soaked body.
i never loved you.
i never loved your pores or your sweet talk,
it was just that you were the tourniquet that stopped the bleeding.
you were the peace treaty.
it was just that you were
the smiling child to my baby fever.
the edge of my doom was a little grassy field
off the cliff—
it was you.
i was never
—will never—
be in love with you
but you were a handmade quilt
constructed with a mother’s caring kiss
that laid over my body
so that the cold could not nip.
you were a constant.
and i know you know
i will never be in love with you
but i love you for what you made me,
for what you allowed me to become.
i will love you
till all time
for teaching me how to love who i am.
and hopefully,
one day,
i will be able to return the favor.
thank you. you’ll never know how much it truly ever means to me.

i haven’t posted in a long while.
3/13/24
163 · Jun 2024
nighttime hides
louella Jun 2024
i could’ve lived in your irises
now, instead,
all my regrets waltz with their arms tangled
on a whim.
i’m too red in the face to reach out for yours
to dance till the morning sun shines
we’d then have to hide
from the brightness
the lights on our faces.
i’m too ashamed to love you without the dark veil of nighttime that swallows me whole
and i occasionally let it convince me of how this will go.
i’m too embarrassed to love without borders,
even after your friend called us something to consider
and i consider
until i start lying
and pulling on my collar to avoid the subject:
i love you and i do not regret that.
i’ve locked myself up in a castle of my fears
trying to adore you through dungeons and tears
though i can’t seem to tell you
you’re all i want here
besides the night chill in autumn
when you touched me softly
with words, “i am worth it,” and
“i’m so deserving.”
let’s dance till our teeth fall out
rot on the floor
and bury our bodies
to create something more
a whole garden, a lilac, a whispering willow tree,
anything to solidify us into eternity.
i’m so scared i’ll forget the steps to our favorite dances
and accidentally step on your brand new shoes
maybe you’d scream and holler
at me the pure bother
or maybe you’d take them off
and say you never needed them in the first place.
pathetic, i’m scouting for little spaces to hide
i’m so wary of you in this light
but we’ll sing all the songs
the way they were made
and i’ve constructed a million classic cliches
for you to involve yourself in.
the music becomes us, we become the music.
i’m sorry i had to disappear for a moment;
had to get some fresh air, the corridors were buzzing,
i see fireflies, they remind me of you
how they never care who
is watching or witnessing
their perfect glory
even when they are caught in a jar or a hand
they fly away because they don’t understand.

let’s watch these bugs till the morning comes
and the light might creep up, slowly descending on our smiling faces.
i won’t forget,
i’ll never regret you
even when the morning reveals our intentions;
i always meant to tell you anyway.
third thing for today. this is dedicated to you.

6/17/24 (but really 6/16/24)
163 · Jan 2
MORE
louella Jan 2
does it take all of me
all of me
me out of all people
to realize the nakedness? that i’m
bearing my soul for the heck
of it? for some “asylum”
built for the pleasure of others?
should i stand straight up,
laugh like i’m confident,
own the naked
parts of myself,
dance for the sake
of it, blow the horn?
live like i’m sick, live like
a parasite, going from
door to door, searching for cracks
and crevices to slip under,
sniff with the nose i forget
about all the time,
live like there’s more?
i get more inspired when i write on paper so that’s what i’m doing from now on.

feels like there’s always more than what is shown; maybe that’s the writer in me.

written: 12/30/24
published: 1/1/25
161 · Jul 2022
la luna
louella Jul 2022
the countryside passing by gradually
from the windows in the car.
wind whistling.
he stops abruptly
parking the car at the side of the dirt road.
you both exit the vehicle.
he grabs you by your sweaty hands
and lifts you onto the roof of the car.
slowly, he pulls himself up as well.
you both stare at the cornfield
as the sun is setting
along the line of pine trees.
you just watch nature, calmly, quietly.
his hand touches yours and you lean
on his shoulder.
he kisses your forehead and you smile
brightly, seeing midnight stars in his
golden hour blue eyes.
he climbs down and lowers you
as the sun sinks
below the brush.
he walks over to the passenger side
where you sit for the drive.
he buckles you in and kisses your lips.
they taste like cherry chapstick.
he packs into the drivers seat and looks
over at you adoringly.
you return the same exact breathtaking look.
the car starts moving, just as
leisurely as before.
soon you both spot an open field
hidden in between millions of shrubs
and trees and freshly bloomed flowers.
his teeth glisten as he grins so widely.
your wild hair tamed by the halt of the engine
whispers “yes” to his childlike disposition.
you both book it out of the car
and bolt towards the field,
yelling and pretending to fly.
you get a head start and twirl like
a ballerina in the light of the early moon
with clouds forming circles around
her majestic beauty.
he comes up right behind you and scoops
you up and hugs you so tightly.
you break out of the hug and tackle
him to the dry grass.
you both roll around, laughing, giggling,
smelling pollen, acting crazy.
you both stop for a split second,
seeing fireworks explode and
specks of the new moon
in each other’s pupils.
clarity strikes you and you fall softly
onto his chest with a sigh of pure bliss.
he strokes your hair,
the motion of the movement of his fingers
soothes your heartbeat.
you could die happily at this moment.
but he hears the howl of a
coyote and perks up.
you both jump up with enough energy
to power a twelve ton truck.
you race to the red jeep parked on the side
of the dusty road.
breathing heavily, you pack
into the automobile.
frightened, you turn to him
and you both burst out laughing,
throwing your heads back cackling like crows.
perhaps, you were afraid in that moment
but nothing allays you
better than him and his confident mentality.
once more, the engine restarts
and the road behind you grows
smaller and smaller,
the moon above sparkling,
leaving spots on the car where she shines
down on you.
she knows, she knows, she knows,
he loves you
to the moon and all the way back to earth
a thousand billion times
the scenario i thought of last night. i wanted to make the reader more involved, so i made it second person. this is the type of stuff i imagine.

7/17/22
louella Jul 2022
was she just a friend when you kissed her chapped lips?
was she just a friend before we called it quits?
did friends ever equate to the same definition of mine?
you could’ve told me so i didn’t have to waste my time.
never even had a boyfriend

7/22/22
160 · Jan 2022
ok
louella Jan 2022
ok
my head is full of junk and stress and anger
i am aching and my lungs are trying to grip onto any air they can find
beaten and bruised and confused
broken and misused and abused
i am in a worn down infirmary from the 20th century
bleak and mostly dead
young and unread
i am tearing my bed sheets and wishing i could flee
or recycle my carcass in a dumpster
by the penitentiary
  
  i.     am.      ill.      and.   poisoned.   and.  weak

can i just get a little rest or some sleep?
i amShredded  
and this hospital is forbidding
but i am about to go in
overdose from morphine
and become a distant memory
with tear streaks painted like silhouettes all over my detached face
i am frozen in the zone of the capable
drenched and shameful and incapable
can i punch a hole in the wall
or disappear on a private jet
never to be seen again?
in taiwan, bangladesh
china, the southwest
i will forever pray for escapism
and relocation of my barely pumping heart
please, let me retreat from the dock of the discreet
where i will forever become a inaudible nuisance
tortured between chains and bars and reins
anything is better than this pit i have been put in
spit on and inflamed and blamed
dragged and tortured and renamed
struck by the stick
i once hoped of holding in the first place
goodbye, i will decompose into the ground with the mushrooms
and i won’t need to be around anymore to make mediocre jokes
and laugh like the warden is correct in his words
please, i surrender
and i concur
later, i will no longer be a bore to the samurai with swords
i will be trudging through the mountain terrain
praying you will say my name
and i will be excused from the insane asylum because i will finally be deemed
“not insane”
by the nurse wearing slacks
and i will take my unschooled tracks
down the road
where i won’t bleed and toss and turn
i will belong and get along and be reborn
from the ***** of a once valuable opinion
i won’t die and cry and become shy
i will scream and be mean and fly
cause i will fit in somewhere where i knew i would belong all along
far from the president and the residents and my mom
and the fake acquaintances and desperate conveyances and the dark
reaching a pitch where i am silent but as noisy as an alarm
showing off all my parts
without being too nervous to crack a smile
or too anxious and in denial
even though tomorrow may be torture to the soul of the soldier
she will make it out alive
just bruised not misused and abused
just bruised
Who’s nervous for tomorrow?
Me!

In all seriousness, this is probably the best thing I’ve ever written

1/21/22
louella Dec 2022
poinsettias in the corners
of the grand staircase
red and white matte petals
lonesome resting
all the while,
snowfall tumbles down
from Heaven’s angels
tossing sparkles into the air
landing on the brows
of swaying strangers
saw the nutcracker live today and it blew my minddddd. oh my. i feel so full rn and that’s strange. i love it tho. been listening to classical music and ballroom dance stuff and it makes me feel so good. ahhhh

12/15/22
louella Aug 2024
i’ll once believe we have something, some kind of ember
some kind of fire that doesn’t scare itself
some kind of blaze that never escapes
that keeps growing and forming and whistles all day.
there’s some kind of weather
that makes me colder
and you, warmer.
some kind of change blowing through the summer air
some kind of new wind unheard of from here.
there’s some kind of vigor i wish i had
that you do  
and it’s so easy to get swept up in the current of you.
no matter where i swim, the tide carries me down the wet sullen stream.
i’m back in the heart of things,
something is grabbing my pant leg;
it can’t be shaken.  
i float down the river,
weaving our love into baskets to send off to the water.
i’ll once believe we have something
when you pull my shaking body out from the water,
wrap me in a towel
and place me by the fire.

near some kind of ember
floating till its death.
adrienne lenker’s music is so inspiring. i am a dying ember, waiting to be saved by your fire. lol.

8/7/24
153 · Dec 2024
for endings
louella Dec 2024
and now is just the end of something i cannot begin again
my jaws clenched,
suitcase packed and anxious to leave
leave behind the stories
that made you whole,
made you your present self,
leave behind the promises made in may,
the goodbyes frozen in august.
and now the ending is so clear
denial seems impossible of an option,
build up the walls again,
the walls built from fear
hide your body
if you lose it, never was it worth it
lose the weight of progression
start a new world you cannot dismantle
dismantle love, make it unrecognizable
unable to be recognized through a shoulder brush
just another universe, unable to be kept
keep the words to yourself,
swallow the sting of loss
trample the persistent pangs of hunger for the things memory cannot reach
hide until the hiding spot becomes a home
soft and harmless
abandon the idea of forgiveness for yourself,
yourself the one past forgiving.
disappear into the smog,
suitcase in hand,
barely lifted off the ground.
this is the end of something i just cannot bring to begin again.
how it feels to lose touch with someone and punish yourself by not reaching out or acting like you don’t care.

12/22/24
153 · Jan 2023
eliza
louella Jan 2023
eliza, she twirls like a ballerina as the piano moves along
she’s cute and she’s cheerful, she leaps around to a familiar song
oh, but eliza has changed
she’s pale in the face
she’s got goosebumps from the cold rain
eyes welling with tears from the salt she poured in them

eliza, she used to be such a joy to be around
oh, but now she can’t keep a conversation without her hands sweating
her nihilistic views cloud her intuition

she’s like charcoal on a whiteboard
she won’t go away, she haunts my every hesitation
she’s blocking my inhalation
she was like a butterfly in my hand
and now she’s ash from blazing land

       such a letdown, such a change in plans

eliza, she glimmers like sequins in the fog
sapphire eyes in hot tubs
but her sadness is her overwhelming weakness
it envelops her in its hurricane
she creaks like old wooden stairs under the weight of her own
she temporarily lives in midnight moonlight sorrow
with weak bones and a crestfallen shadow
burying herself in the emptiness of solitude
the january blues stalking her every move  

oh, eliza,
i miss you
who you were, all that you did
i miss your surefire smile
your continuous laugh
your sweet disposition
your hilarious jokes and the positive halos radiating about your head

now she’s volatile
as wild and insecure as an adolescent child

she falls from the stage onto a bed filled with tears
(she calls it a water bed, she tries to remain optimistic)  
(all she knows is that the rivers that flood from her eyes show that she is not completely numb)

the spring sentiments used to be her constant
she used to have scraped kneecaps and a clueless exuberance
solely a bandage could heal her

oh eliza,
have i taken you for granted?
have i stripped you of your merit,
leaving you gagging and slumping in the rainfall?
your irises were streaked with summer’s blues
now they’re just stained from the blue ocean tears you cried

oh eliza,
what happened to your sheer happiness,
leaving a movie theater with the main character’s personality?
did the pounding in your chest come from the insecurities i ****** upon you with a thousand pounds of force?
i miss your cathartic release, the eclipse of your moon striped body on my bedroom wall directly in front of the place i lay

she’s casted shadows over the bridge she walks across to sabotage her footing
she sits with her mouth open in frozen silence
trying to capture the warmth that waltzes around her

oh eliza,
am i to blame for this destruction?
your lugubriousness now looming over the flowers on meadows you once danced on
i miss who you were, but mostly who you won’t show
the harsh judgement gathered like dust along your body
you haven’t been you, eliza, for years



eliza, she twirls like a ballerina as the piano moves along
listen to her song
for her worst secrets are held in breakable silence
i started this poem on the 9th of January and i kept adding to it.

1/13/23
louella Jul 2022
the beat of drums pounded into her heart
releasing signals in her brain to jolt her head up and down to the rhythms.
she sang and screeched and carried on long into the night as she kissed the cheeks of some man who called her cute.
she returned home with his tattooed arm in her coat, clutching onto her for dear life; the way he should have treated his phone on the dance floor.
he flopped on the sofa, slurring his words like a sorority girl; hammered.
he blacked out belligerently drunk on her couch and at one in the afternoon he arose, coughing, residue on his fingers.
his face covered in drool from sleeping dramatically like a madman.
she handed him an advil, a glass of purified water, and her phone to call someone he had had any contact with before.
his face was pale and sickly; she could tell he felt crushed by the weight of his bewilderment.
his eyes, though strung out, were jet blue with a glimmer of teenage angst and a spark of the hopeful nature of a child in a field of dandelions.
he uttered few words and collapsed into the firm motherly hold of the couch, struck from exhaustion.
he gazed up at her, who was half naked since she had only been awake for three hours and had nowhere to go because she was too embarrassed to bare the bruises in the creases of her neck to the public.
but instead of speaking to her, he started gulping down the water after taking 3 pills of advil to make the pain disintegrate.
carefully, he set the chilly cup down and stood up slowly and steadily.
he gasped feebly, but managed to prop himself up on his two wobbly legs.
“you alright there?” she asked as casually as possible, to make him perceive her as less of a threat.
“where am i?” he inquired to this woman he faintly recalled.
“oh,” she giggled, “my house. you blacked out on my couch yesterday and i didn’t want to move you, you looked so peaceful, so i just left you there. hope you’re ok with that.”
“okay with that?” he asked gently.
“well yeah, i’d feel pretty worried if i ended up at a random strangers house on a saturday morning.”
he chuckled.
“well, to answer your question, yes i am quite confused, but i am a free spirit. so this is basically just a new experience i can add to my repertoire.”
she raised an eyebrow. “repertoire?” she pondered.
“well, i write music for a living.” he smiled sumptuously.
“you do?” her cheek bones got visibly higher and her eyes didn’t have the same troubled look to them as they did a few minutes ago.
“yes. i am not a very good musician, but my band and i get by. we play gigs at places. oh right, like last night. we were playing for fun and then...oh! a girl was kissing me. now i remember!” he was quite proud of himself for that.
“well, that’s the funny thing,” she started, “i was the one who was kissing you.” she laughed briskly.
“you were?” he asked, totally perplexed.
“of course. i didn’t know you were playing for that place last night, i thought you were a waiter or a pedestrian or something. ooh, or an alcoholic!”
“ouch.” he grinned delicately.
“no, no offense though.”
“too late, i already took it to my cast iron heart,” he joked.
she laughed.
“well, you were one cute waiter at that,” she stated seductively.
he smiled with his lips pushing into his mouth a little bit.

“thanks for everything. the couch, the advil, the talk. maybe you should see me another time. i play at bars all around the city. i’d love to see more pretty girls come around and hype me up once in a while.” his grin turned into a beam.
“no problem, i suppose i would like to spend some time around people who are rich and aren’t fun sponges,” she joked effortlessly.
“i can be sometimes.” her little giggles poured out of her mouth.
“well, i’ll see you around. hit those drums!” she called out to him as his uber arrived.
“sure thing!” he waved as he entered the car.
and for the first time in forever, his heart caused him to feel more emotions than his wicked hangover.
oh gosh

7/11/22
louella May 2022
the entire house looks like a red traffic light
with pounding rock music blasting all around
it smells like smoke and passion
there are two people in each bathroom
i think there’s faint screaming somewhere
i don’t know, people are too high to care
sweat clings to the air
it’s sticky in this cramped house-
confetti is raining down upon us
i think she just kissed her boyfriend’s best friend
can’t wait to see his reaction in the morning
i got inspired to write this because of james cordon’s show. harry got a segment where he got to make a music video for daylight. it was honestly beautiful and i dream of going to a party with led lights. it would be so much fun. anyway, listen to daylight while you read. you know the drill

5/28/22
149 · Dec 2021
I Lost My Best Friend
louella Dec 2021
[x] Denial: i ran to the ends of the earth to get some answers. Death was the only response I received. No! That didn’t happen! Leave me alone!

- [x] Anger: why am I cursing your name in these recycling bins? I hate you with all my being! I’m so glad I don’t have to see you. I hope you rot like a corpse in the dying cemetery.

- [x] Bargaining: please, I’ll stop wining if I get her back. I won’t complain anymore; I won’t dare act put out. I’ll respond to her old texts or emails or whatever. I’ll do anything...

- [x] Depression: my bones are aching. I can’t hold myself upright. In fact- I hate myself. I gag watching my reflection in the mirror. If you stopped liking me, who can love me now? I used to admire the ripples in the stream, but now I punch the water and cry until my hands are pruny. It’s not healthy, but I’m hopeless and nothing can fix me.

- [ ] Acceptance: yesterday I thought of you and I didn’t frown. I smiled bittersweetly, cause you are gone still, but it’s over. You were a fabulous friend for all those years. I won’t forget that. I’ll let go of the sorrow and the years we spent together. I’ll walk the way of the weather vane and dry my tears in the light of the sun. Thank you for the moments and goodbye my old solider.
I lost you
Are these the right stages of grief?
What’s wrong with me?
148 · Feb 2022
XY
louella Feb 2022
XY
jupiter, dear
i love you for not letting the hormones in your body control your every move
the raging ocean and cascading waterfalls
dripping from your supposed emotionless hands.
you have different chromosomes than me
and you dance and i sit and you prance and i try to live
freely.
jupiter, dear
i don’t hate you for your chemical reactions
or the way you are so stupidly attractive
to me.
i will never know what it’s like to be exactly like you
strung on bodies and sunlit shapes
feeling around your out of body experience.
drunk on hazel eyes and i am tipsy off sweet conversation
ripping and passionate in the nighttime
and i am teasing and tumbling with somebody as pastel as the moonlight.
but i can’t plague you for the corruption of humankind
you aren’t a silk butterfly but at least you can fly
jupiter, dear
just because you have a different chromosome than i
doesn’t mean anything about who you are inside
i love men.
and that’s on period.

(not a pick me)
147 · Apr 2022
sick day
louella Apr 2022
it was astonishing
that you noticed
i was gone

i thought i was on my own
haha i was sick/dying of pain one day at school and i had to go home. i was shocked so many people texted me and asked me if i was ok.

1.31.22
louella May 2022
the night was young
the rooftop sang in the wind like a little kid
she twirled her hair as the sun became the hills
she pirouetted with flames in her eyes that
flew to the treetops and grew like a blossom
beneath the early summer sky
she smiled like she could have lit up the whole
entire world
the nightingale cooed, watching her fly
and i don’t even mean metaphorically
she was risen twelve feet into the air that’s how majestic she is
sporting a minidress that was populated with flowers of all sorts
she was a daisy, a wildflower, a tulip, a lily, a rhododendron bush, a whispering oak tree
the starlight saver who sparkled so vibrantly
even the moon bowed down at her bare feet
i watched her transform into an angel and she
soared like a bald eagle; her only purpose in life was to be freer than the ocean who held her down to make her drown
she was ferociously alive by the standards of the sky
i just observed her from the rooftop
captured by her looseness and her freedom and how she left the hindering feeling behind, opening the gates of the reformed prisoners who morphed into tiny stars that night as she beamed and twinkled with ecstasy
angel, i can’t believe i am able to be in your presence, in a five step radius from you
it’s an honor
i wish i was her and that you would stare at me all night and just tell me i’m your stars in the darkest night sky.
prob my favorite song of the album, go listen while you read<3

5/25/22
146 · Jun 2022
apocalypse
louella Jun 2022
candle wax dripping down your hands
a tablecloth tied around your waist
dawn feels like the apocalypse
cause it’s so still
and endless
we’re both helpless in this realm
but you are gripping me so tight
i’m going numb
how come you can ease this pain
with your bruised arms
hidden underneath the tablecloth?
immortal love
is a concept i only heard of in the
highest heavens
speaking of that, where are we?
gravity seems too difficult of a subject
matter to explore
i’ve only ever been on one planet
but you can be my next
although the dark seems like
a cloaked monster with
bear claws
and candle wax
seeping from every vessel
it can’t envelop us
it can only change our ambience
nothing can capture us
through the tight grasp
of our arms together

where did you come from?
cause i lit every candle in this room
now they’re all blown out
and the darkness doesn’t exist
science can’t explain this
neither can my lips
so i dance in the burning kitchen
with your hands on my waist
and mine on the tablecloth
you wrapped around yours

“forever?”

                             “forever.”
oh my gosh, space ship vibes and i don’t even wanna tell you why cause it’s kinda embarrassing.
6/30/22
145 · Aug 2023
darling,
louella Aug 2023
darling mellow sunshine,
paint your words upon my tongue
so you do not have to move your lips—
i will do the task for you.

darling hilltop basking bluejay,
dance in defiance
in the long grass—
you never have to impress
anyone, but your creator.

darling dazzling firefly,
shining in the backyard,
sit with me on the porch swing
until the afternoon strikes us groggy
and we will sleep within the overgrown weeds.

darling seaboard sandpiper,
splashing lukewarm waves
upon the body you call yours
dream until your dreams become fulfilled.

darling intimate flower field,
the cumulus clouds above
draw shade upon our upside-down faces
be free and become one with me
a cautious lover,
a dandelion spread by the wind.

adorably flimsy darling,
i love you.
to someone i’m not sure i know yet.
8/1/23
145 · Jun 2022
porch dwelling
louella Jun 2022
sweltering air
nibbling at your ankles
california dreaming
in pennsylvania meadows
clouds moving like
cotton candy
in the robin egg colored sky
curly hair blowing
heat exhaustion
but satisfaction
nfr on the balcony in the hot summer air hits different. try it sometime

6/29/22
144 · Jul 2022
skin hatred
louella Jul 2022
might as well have poisonous chemicals poured onto my skin
since i want to rip it off
strip it off my body
pile it inside the trash
for the raccoons to go to town on

the body i came with
i want to send it back to the store
i want it to be returned
packaged away
return to sender

invasive species
on the layers of my skin
that i should be calling home
but i disown them
get this dead weight off of me!
i am insecure about everything on my body. make it stop.
143 · Jul 2022
one-sided
louella Jul 2022
stuck, writing about every person i come across
my friends, old ones, new ones
excerpts from movies that make me remember why love only exists in the grasp of the cinema
or in the manipulated minds of fourteen year old girls enthralled by the greek godlike men onscreen
confined, writing about people i wish i were, people i talk to on a daily basis
i exercise my brain so i can make it all go away, so i can write about the next person i see
maybe next time, someone will write about me
i wish someone would write about me for a change
7/16/22
143 · Apr 2022
tornado
louella Apr 2022
in the unrestrained tornado
i heard the scream of a little girl
she screeched and screeched and got louder with every breath she took
i heaved deeply
so deep i felt my ribs crack a bit
but it didn’t impair me
because i was too locked in to her helpless and terrified yet determined screaming
so locked in
that i didn’t take a moment to breathe

     and that’s when the winds died down
     the roaring halted
     stopped
     the shouting of the young girl was all gone
     the uncomfortableness that i felt, dissipated
     into the shadow of the night
     no damage had been done
     everything is all good now
     i didn’t know natural disasters could be
     created inside the mind of a poser
oh my gosh, something so embarrassing happened yesterday. i don’t even want to go in full detail about the story, but let’s just say i thought about it all day yesterday. anyway, i wrote this about that situation and used metaphors so i wouldn’t have to name direct details etc. you better like this poem for my embarrassment. thx. i’m gonna cry now

4/3/22
142 · Dec 2024
built
louella Dec 2024
the hands i hold collapse, i'm left tilted, obstructed,
a building built by careless hands
who know not the sturdiness it takes to keep the structure standing.
all i am is something worth tearing down,
demolishing to make way for bigger cities and richer people and taller things
and
empty promises of salvation.
the hands i hold are tired from a cruel days work,
they cannot make room for my vacant premises.
every world has no reason to keep me standing,
arms to my sides,
steel tiles tumbling to the ground slowly.
the hands i hold collapse, i'm left tilted, obstructed.
i feel so alone and sick and stupid and like a waste of space and dumb and too nice and something to avoid. there is a deep sadness embedded in me. i wish to eliminate it, but all it does is grow in size and i am not strong anymore. how could i be?

12/3/24
142 · Aug 2022
months
louella Aug 2022
waiting for months to pass
and then, i’m blue
and am labeled ungrateful.
waiting for months to turn to dust
in my rusty palms
to set straight my wonky emotions
to soothe my ferocious oceans.
counting days till my cage is opened
reciting rhymes until i come back to life.
waiting for months to disappear
become marks on the calendar
can’t wait for this year to be over.
waiting for these months to stop dragging
my laden feet
upon the creaky floorboards
resisting the torture.
waiting for the months to surrender
to the year’s higher rule
succumb to the power.
waiting for these months to blow by
to relocate out of my eye view
to package up and leave.

i can’t endure these months anymore
school *****

8/27/22
142 · Jul 2023
juvenile
louella Jul 2023
juvenile
with your harsh profanities
and gritty teeth
grabbing ahold of me
puncturing my flesh

i want to be more like God
and i’m trying so hard

i read inspirational poetry books in the mirror
and around you,
i smile in fear
do things rehearsed and pre-planned and you don’t even notice
because the main focus
is you

façade strong
happy blushing faces all day long

that’s not who i am
and you’re the one who should know me best
but you don’t.

and i don’t understand how you plan
to take me down to the pits of the earth’s core
because i want to be more
like who i adore
and that’s just not you.
i want to be more of myself without you. it’s always you, you, you and never “how are you?”
and it’s just…i’m looking for the bare minimum over here and you won’t even give me that. how do you think i feel about that? and i don’t care about some teenage antics, i just don’t care anymore. and that’s just how it is. i don’t understand why we have to bring down others for the sake of bringing ourselves up. it just makes me realize you aren’t a good friend, but you think you are and that’s the scary part.

7/10/23
140 · Dec 2021
u r Ugly
louella Dec 2021
You’re ugly
I told you already.
You touched me with the hands of a coward.
I took away your despicable power
But now I’m the monster.  

She’s ugly.
Her eyes are brown like dirt
And a smile with teeth like cut onions.
Who called it a smile?
I call it wild.
But now I’m following the crowd.

He’s ugly.
He looks like a wannabe female.
With tears that stain on his feminine lips.
I call him out
But now I’m coming for his throat.
You were just poking fingers.

I’m ugly.
I draw myself with pencil marks.
Pencil my own beauty standards in.
I’m not desirable or prudent.
You torch my skin
No one breathes a word.
And I’m still the enemy.

Weird how standards work.
You’re pretty until she’s prettier.
Weird how standards work....

So let’s just get rid of them!
139 · Jan 1
eve
louella Jan 1
eve
i’m alone on new year’s eve,
starved of life,
been living off of fleeing thrills.
i’ve been hungry,
lacking the flavor that lingers
on my tongue.
completely distraught,
all up in my head like i owe myself a debt.
the new year’s eve moon is absent,
but i need her;
she understands the length of my despair,
and she places hope in my palm.
nothing along the horizon,
just the vague glow of the Christmas lights from the passive neighbors.
unsure of what new year dawns,
if this one
will knock me off my feet,
waltz with me until daybreak
touches my cheek,
or leave me astray on a bustling city street
where the largest emptiness isn’t even in my own twisted heart.
and perhaps this year
will taint me,
paint me multicolored,
until my own shade of individuality cannot be seen.
fragile or elusive,
a patient lover,
a reckless ******,
a kiss that stays for longer than thought.
bigger shoes to fill,
new attitudes to convey,
new deals to follow through on,
old ones that have never been finished,
losing the fears of the past ages
that burned
down towns, left them flat.
if the new year unfolds like a film reel
with an unreliable narrator,
i’ll likely fail to look up at the moon,
lose my direction,
start believing the superstitions
with all my soul.
don’t leave me stuck on a bench
at the kitchen table,
writing instead of letting the world handle the anxieties for a while.
leave me alone on the edge of
a new platform
that makes feet sink past their comforts,
ankle deep in something i cannot control or hold with both hands or penetrate.
there may be new avenues to walk down
just to turn back around again in,
kinds of sabotage that
only i know how to bring upon the only thing control can control.
and new year,
don’t leave me alone no more,
i never wanted to be afraid,
watching the moon disappear like
all good friends do,
and have a stapled tongue
so that i cannot speak for those
who wish to
be heard
by someone,
anyone.
i said i’d be done, but i’m still writing. it’s the only thing that seems to calm my mind, even just a little. the noises and anxieties are just too loud.
happy new year everyone, wishing you a lifetime of love. hopefully the beginnings won’t look strangely like endings this time.

12/31/24 (but basically new years, it was basically 12 when i wrote this lol)
louella Apr 2024
your lover wears silk and paints her nails.
her hair is blond.
meanwhile i was blind to your longing.
you laugh at my jokes
while she dances in restaurants with her model-like accomplices.
she’s spring,
i’m a winter chill climbing over those limbs of yours i long to lay beside.
does she make you laugh
even when the jokes aren’t funny
even when your nose is runny
and even if you spill out too much of you
would she adore you just the same?
about feeling inadequate for someone. idek anymore lol.

4/27/24
136 · Dec 2024
to do is love
louella Dec 2024
i've been let down
countless times.
i've lost who i was while not knowing who i've ever been
but it doesn't matter anymore. i've
sketched the ideas of people who have failed me over and over again,
or perhaps i have failed them.
offered myself to some kind of world that casts me out,
that calls me a stranger, a liar, a dancer with no stage.
i've lost the need to love--it never needed me,
how should i desire its harsh arms? for the sake
of fear, fear of existing alone, living for myself?
and what is being alone--
the loneliest i ever felt was in a crowd, a crowd that does not
look deep into itself
to realize its austerity, to realize its small mindedness.
but to be alone is when the phone never rings, the welcome is slow and uneasy, the whole world is singing to a melody you cannot understand.
when all you want to do is love,
but nothing wants to love you, not even yourself
and you don't even blame anyone anymore.
how could you?
i guess i wasn't done writing. i went to another poetry meeting and this is what i wrote. i'm lonely.

12/4/24
136 · Sep 2023
paper mâché
louella Sep 2023
pinstriped and perfectly perfected into paper towns paper heaven paper falsities paper lies paper lucid dreams paper love
placate every single soul who’s about to go overboard
play my game with ****** fingertips
take those sandpaper words and smear them on my pinafore dress
tied at the waist
too small, no, too big, too stretchy, too loose, too tight, too everything
i perform every time i step out the door
poised and prodded and paced
problematic
sickness in this perceived health
parts of me floating bloodless in the ether
pardon me, but are you scared of places that your parents haven’t gone?
particularly i don’t believe a single sentence that escapes those perfectly formed prison walls holding gums and teeth inside
on purpose, i have patience
for people with the same patterns of personhood as you
and almost painfully,
i watch this perfect place catch flames, burn into paper perception paper wishes paper puppets paper precision paper people with paper powers with paper pleasure and paper pets and paper feelings
i deny this premonition,
i have been promised love if i continue with this patience
please paint my skies golden brown in this paper town
and i will pace by the doorway
peeking through the window panes
politely waiting for the headlights to pull into the driveway


no pressure, any time will be fine
i feel so good, but i feel like it won’t be permanent. i love nice people.

9/20/23
135 · Jun 2023
tyranny as such
louella Jun 2023
that hour is black
it is the hour to singe clothes, arsonists
the hour to burn houses and towns

that hour for children
to bolt from their swing sets for cover
the hour to board up windows

girls with guns
pistols in sweaty palms
deliberately weaponizing silence

that hour is red
a baleful war fought with ****** fists
sanguine faces flushed

that hour for isolation to prevail
to spread and slither into the crevices
the hour to bathe in ***** waters

cleanliness is seen as abrasiveness  
shadows of girls with guns
vile offspring with foul mouths

that hour is emerald green
months fly past like moths
roots sprout with intensity

that hour for desperation
the hour for skeletons to roam
piles of revengeful bones

the flies are swarming
on corpses

the hour is black in shadows
red in ****** waters
emerald green in dying beginnings
umm so this was written because people are dividing themselves and others by not allowing people to share their opinions and getting mad at them for disagreeing. this isn’t the world i want to live in. idk about you.

written yesterday and today
6/3/23
134 · Nov 2022
wrong person, wrong time
louella Nov 2022
your hands were fire
i needed to be warmed
in my little flower crown
on my hesitant head
but
i denied it
it makes me sick with sorrow
as i paced in my own selfish delusion
losing focus
losing faith
we danced on the patio
as the night thickened
i turned you down
left you turning black
underneath my touch
you grabbed her hand
reaching for a soft resolution
did you know?
i forgot how to process
i wrote you notes in candlelight
hoping moments could become
real again
real
real…
i once believed i would marry the weather
and its mood swings
but i lost my way while walking back home
tripped on the beaten path
i lost the fire that was contained in your soul
it couldn’t turn to solid fast enough
i died alone in a abandoned bar
as you dined in a two story house with your children at the foot of your bed
but i didn’t love you and i still don’t, so why do you seem like my missing piece?  
why do i feel like i need you?
something real, something real, something real
inspired by little women, jo and laurie teehee

11/29/22
132 · Jun 2022
oh, let our love survive
louella Jun 2022
it was when you looked at me as the fireworks exploded in your eyes that i realized this is what life should be like

ballrooms and bokeh lights
another poem inspired by the elvis trailer. the part where he looks up in the limo and the fireworks explode. it is so **** beautiful, my gosh. thx for reading.

6/28/22
louella Dec 2023
you are a fleet upon my shoreline
in mid-december
in the decline
of the seasons.
my impulse is to keep you captive
in an ocean net made to capture fish
i am not unforgiving so i despise this new version of me
there are shipwrecks to be uncovered
and sandy shores to be explored
there are glass shards in the hearth of my heart
they’re from shattered mirrors lying beside the bedside
that i drove a single fist in upon interpreting the impersonal reflection
i have remorse for the way my lighthouse light caused your tiny rowboat to become one with the island i inhabit
i have regrets for the way i watched your salt-licked body drag itself to shore
and let the possibility of you dying linger gently
i let the sea swallow you too quickly
if i obstruct my view, it’s just the lapping of the sea;
just the constant reminder of its immensity.
i saw a post on pinterest about an armada/fleet or something. i haven’t posted in almost a month. i was happy; this week ****** and that is why i resorted back to writing.

searows lyric i relate to: “i can’t write anymore. i have a shadow over my door.”

12/20/23
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