Everything's wrong
I need to talk to someone but no one is around
Its all coming back worse than before
I can't escape it
Not for a second
I try to sleep but when I close my eyes everything is even more vivid
The blood, the thoughts, the memories
No one to talk to for a couple of days
Nothing's right

I am both miserable and content
Explosion of anger and breeze of serenity
A sorrowful ghost and a joyful sprite
Self-loathing and prideful
Loss of all hope and pursuit of impossibilities
An impulsive madman and calculating intellect
Utterly confused and omniscient
Close to death and far Paradise
Enveloped by creativity and planted firmly in reality
Weak and invincible
Failing and succeeding
Anxious and composed
Unmeasurable love and unfathomable hate
Optimistic and suicidal

Everything's gone
Nobody's here
I need help but I am so alone
The screams are so loud inside of my head
And nothing seems to stop them, unlike before
It escalates so quickly
I don't even have time to think
Everyone's absent
Nothing is here

It was a Wall I must've built
in one of those days I was not free
and they kept me under lock and key

A Wall so hard and thick
not even a hammer could puncture it
A Wall so high and deep
where it touched the sea beneath
and rose to Everest's Peak

many times I cannot bring myself to see it
or even just to think it:
that one day it might crumble down
and I can see its protected Crown

yet I still avoid it all the time
for it was where I drew the line
on that day so long ago
where all these thoughts were my Foes

Need to cut
Can't ignore
I'm a nut
On the floor
Mind racing
Fist to wall
Can't stop pacing
Do not stall
Just do the deed
Never to return
Have to succeed
To whom it may concern

How can one fully comprehend human emotion?
There is no way to detect whether we experience each affection the same
Or, in reality, if we perceive it in the same notion
Some feel more intensely; so they claim

But you can sight those people out of the crowd
The ones whose emotions are so far rooted, so in depth,
that they are filled with pain and are typically not loud
They sit in the shadows observing, all while trying to conserve their mind's breadth

If only I could speak to you
If we were adults I could see you and tell you everything
But we're 16 and in pain
With no one to hold
With no one to save

I am alone
I have no point to my life
I mindlessly exist each day
I give no love
I am given no love
I do not eat
I do not drink
I do not cry
I do not laugh
My body always in pain
I can never sleep enough
I filch at the touch of another
I run from speaking with another
I wonder as my mind travels to the abyss
I only think of what could have been
And of a different life
With a different ending than I am heading for

I loved her more than she would have ever known
More than I ever should
She was a friend
One I could trust, one that listened, the only one who could've saved me
She was more than a friend
There isn't a word that could ever come close to explaining who she was to me
I could have given her all she gave me and more
But I never whispered the words I always wanted to say to her
I protected her from afar and cared for her and loved her
But she had no clue, how much she meant to me
And I, I could not live without her
But she would not notice living without me
You could say it was all fake
You could say I tricked myself into believing there was something more
I didn't even get to say goodbye
The words I last spoke to her were a lie
And I would take it back a hundred times again
If it meant I could see her face and hear her words one last time
Just once more and my heart would be settled

I hate this ******* world
With it's ******* people
And their ******* logic

So much pain and suffering
So much despair and anger

When can I escape it all
Even then it would be too late

I can never make eye contact

You see the eyes are a portal to the soul 

And seeing someone’s soul can be freighting 

Especially when they don't want you to see it:

The light

The dark
The anger

The happiness 

The sadness

The life

The death

The longing

The emptiness 

The truth

I don't look into people's eyes 

Because their soul screams at me through those small apertures

Why do they say ‘suicide is never the answer’?
They never give any other solution, do they?
Just a caution to the wind
A guilt trip to the Internet when you look for methods
If someone put a gun in my hand and told me to defend myself
I’d place the gun to my temple and pull the trigger
If someone told me to stay alive for them
I’d place the gun on the table and do as I was told

It's actually back
It's that pit in my stomach
Lump in my throat
Weight on shoulders kind of feel
And I know what it leads to
I've been down this road too many times not to
There's never a going back from this point
I must ride it to the end
But this will be the last
I will not do this again
This is the last time
For better, but most likely, for worse

I don't really know how to explain this
To put it in simple terms:
I believe I was born into the wrong family, place, situation, and character

To be elsewhere would save me from whatever destruction I might inflict on myself
To be with people who make you feel whole, who make you feel understood
To be in a place with no past label, a blank slate
To be through different hardships
To be a different person
A better person

Love and to be loved
There will be hardships
But we would have each other
And I would feel love for the first time
The family, the friends, the people of elsewhere
Would fill this void which is my heart
I feel so empty
I feel so alone
But in elsewhere I'd never feel so alive and free and loved and cared for

There are officially no motivators
I am gone from this world already
Been gone since my mother found me lying on my bathroom floor
Slowly dying, covered in blood and *****
Never woke up that morning
Been gone ever since
In my head
Only thing that exists is this mind and this heart
The world around is fake
I'm not here, never was

Pull out the tongue and then the eyes
Rip off the ears yet hear the cries
Tear the limbs from branch to branch
Just so you know, this is your last chance

To shake your head up and down
Lest this hammer strikes thy crown
And thee shall flee, hell-bound

It's getting to be too much; my eyes don't moisten anymore,

as I run from the monsters lurking in the floor
Of my beaten heart 

that's been ripped apart



All these voices inside my head 

Are enough to push me off the edge


And as the fiery sun slips over the curve
,
and rays of golden sunlight grow dimmer; I observe

:

The deep ocean of the night
Grow with no light


And the shadows come alive

bringing monsters as they dive


Into the window and through the door

Out of their hiding places returning nevermore


As I tremble, and I shake 

because I know I'm in their wake
Once again I dread this time

But I secretly enjoy their company
And that is my crime

I discovered this:
One cannot snap the cord between the heart and the mind
without losing their sanity
Because if the heart tries to correct the brain
Then the human will fail
And if the mind tries to correct the heart
The human will fall apart

I must go away now
Leave this town
My life bundled in a town
For as a child I fell in my head's crown

And it has caught up with me
Making me someone I never have dreamt before
Our hearts found each other through these people of the sea
But I have become dark and destructive to the core

You mustn't give time for this wretched soul
Please walk out of my heart's door
For I destroy everything, and I don't wish you to pay this toll
I shan't stay even though I want to , but this mind is as black as coal

I love you, I shall love you past eternity
That is why I mustn't be selfish
I have to escape the pity
Running away from everything everyone shatters my heart like china dish

It's pieces are spread all throughout town and I am left with nothing
Farewell, my friend for I was born elsewhere
I thank you for all the years of laughter and company, all so very touching
I tell you the truth when I say: You are the greatest thing to have entered my life, and in there

You were always the light in all this darkness, and that, my dear, will never change
Your happiness is what is important in this exchange
I love you from a pure and unmeasurable love
This person who cares for you and loves you more than all

Goodbye, Best Friend

Darling, you are an innocent, kind, caring kid
Your soul not tainted with the dark, cruel world
And you have not experienced what horrific things man can do
How long your mind can get lost
I think this is why I cannot bear to leave your side

Because you are my breath of fresh air
My light in the dark
You lead me to hope
And you cause me to have something to live for

But most of all
Being with you when we're laughing and talking
I forget about the pain
Maybe for one second or even an hour
You are the only thing, the only one who shines light in my eyes
Where I can't be in the dark or have any fears
Where my sorrow is burnt up and the world is but the past
My thoughts quiet down and the world is beautiful again
The light warms my face and your laughter sings in the night
As a smile curves on my face and air is almost bursting from my lungs

When I'm with you the pain disappears
Love fills my heart which bursts out to you
As you illuminate my cruel, hating world
I see the world
I see the people
Through those glasses of your's
And I think maybe, just maybe happiness might not be extinct after all

**** the slaves
Face the master
**** him too
And face disaster

Escape the hounds
But not the pastor
Who hung your mom
Up in the rafters

Safety ahead
Run ever faster
They think they've won
Hear their laughter

But there is a secret
Where the pale trees gather:
For it is the place
Where all humans shatter

what happened to you?
that you were so afraid of messing up
these words mean nothing
and being thrown to the dust
because all these gifts and memories take nothing to the test
hyper visions of misery heightened, the wise are unknown
curses and shadows brew 'round their heads
or stars and spaceships from the planet of the undead

what happedned to you that you felt so empty yet so mad and angry?
a raging fire of something unseen, something unknown
far from your reach
they say expeirence and memories shape who we are
but i cant recall a gooddamn thing that made us who we are

what happedned that you could take that bullet to the head placing that gun inside of their hand?
a trigger, a flash, a ringing sound about
yet nothing splatters at the wall because we know once and for all
that what happened to you happened to me and no matter how much you think it might be
our names will never be graved in that stone
for one
one can only
die
a l o n e

Her hands are soft, but always cold
They are graceful and have a purpose with every move
When she speaks, her words are blunt and powerful
But every now and then her voice wavers
Filled with empathy, sadness, and fear
As she understands the pain and suffering
She tries to contain these actions to her emotions
But she's human too

I mean, you look at yourself
What do you see?
I'm studying the carcass in front of me
Who had died last year
It's eyes were black sockets where they used to shine bright
For the light had left them long ago

A shrunken, loose leather hung from the bones
The brain bled
The heart ripped
A permanent smile
The fingers curled at the end
That's what stood across in the mirror, the truth

This room filled with the aroma of death
And anger, sadness, and fear
I can't help but wonder if the reflection was what my future was supposed to be
Or that is how I truly looked on the inside

What about you?
What do you see?

It's the memories that unsettle me
They are the ones who keep me awake at night
And wake me in a cold sweat
I just want them to go away

But everyday I am reminded of how weak I truly am
How little future I really have
And how deep my mind really goes
The things I have thought of
The things I have done
They are seared into my memory
With red hot flames and iron
A permanent abrasion in my timeline
Unforgettable
Unexplainable
Unforgivable

That is why I don't sleep at night
My decisions in the day, my thoughts in the day
Haunt me throughout the night
In forms of nightmares

Because that is all my life is
A nightmare

Sometimes I find myself staring up at the sky 

When the sun is crawling behind the curve of the earth

And I wonder how anybody could ever believe there isn't a God


But then when I am huddled in a corner 

Crying until I cannot breath anymore, feeling so alone

I wonder where is my God

What if you have no point on this earth?
What if you don't belong on this earth?
What if you're not imperative to anyone on this earth?
What if you are just existing on this earth?
What if, for you, there is no happiness on this earth?

You just shouldn't be here
You should be somewhere else

Where you have a purpose
Where you fit
Where you are loved and needed
Where you can live
Where you feel happiness for once in so long