These past few years you have made me forget that I am still fire
I am still strong and powerful and capable
You have done your best to take all the best parts of me
and turn them into something useful only for you
but there is still that roaring heart inside my chest

For awhile I forgot that I used to be hell on wheels
miss independent with a kick in my step
ready to take on the world with an iron fist
I used to be the girl who rolled over men like you
put them in their place and said forget it

I am a volcano erupting
An ocean of feelings that are okay to feel
The loud parts of me are what make me burn beautifully
The parts of me you don't like me to show are okay too
I shouldn't have to be quiet about my flaws
because love is supposed to accept them anyway
if love is even what we can call this anymore

When my insecurities come out you leave welts on my skin
from being so hateful towards my most fragile pieces
when I am breaking you only help me shatter
by throwing stones big enough to break down whole buildings

All of me that makes me who I am is not appreciated by you
it is NOT fair for me to live hiding and walking on eggshells
to make sure you are happy, the only one of us who apparently matters
supposed to be partners in this life instead I am your servant

but Oh you are never wrong, you never want to hear it when I am bleeding my heart out all over the floor
I am a mess you just step over because heaven forbid you get your shoes wet

Life is so boring
at this present moment in time
I could not be more burnt out with my routine
my job
my weekends
my appearance
the people around me
everything
It is no one’s fault but my own that this mindset is upon me
I have not done anything new in the past few years
I’ve been in the same town
in the same job
doing the same exact thing every day as if it is Groundhog Day
the worst part about it is
I have no idea or motivation to do anything else
I am well into my late 20s and life is comfortable
it’s confusing because it’s good
but also not because I have no moments of
“I can’t believe this is my life! How amazing!”
Is it too early for me to be having a midlife crisis at 28?
In my world as it is right now
I am not depressed so much as if this is what life is going to be like, I’m going to continue spending a lot of time waiting for the end of the day

going off on me for expressing my true feelings online
reminds me of when you used to do that in real life
if I ever spoke up when I was sad or angry
you would get so mad you would hit things around you
stomp off and leave
tell me I was crazy
while I was left crying so hard I couldn’t breathe
my eyes welled up red
wondering
if I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life

I've always felt inadequate
less important than everyone else
if I wasn't there, no one would notice
I could say nothing
and no one would care
this feeling is one I try to
keep buried deep inside
away from view
I like to act like I don't care
like everyone else is lame
and
I'm just too cool for them
but I know what it really is
I'm not as cool as them
I'm not ridiculously funny
or clever
I'm not smart and rare
I'm not special
I don't sing
I don't drink
I don't have a best friend
I don't do anything
or go anywhere
because I have no friends
I don't fit in
and even when I thought I found
people who were just like me
I still felt alone
I was still alone even in the group
whether they meant to single me out
or not
it still hurt all the same
I give up on ever feeling good enough
it only feels like lying

I had a dream last night
and you were in it
I find it interesting the ones I remember
always involve you
just an interaction
it was a normal day at work
and then we got to talk
that was it
but I felt it even in that other dimension
as I walked away
that it was just
nice to see you

One week is as long as it takes for your job to wait before they clean out your things and go back to normal day to day life after you pass away
and although routines, business and normalcy all make sense for the mental health and financial success of everyone else still alive
because life goes on as it always does and always has…
it’s a reminder that no job is worth any extra of your precious time on earth or mental sanity
because it takes your employer one week to move on without you

men want you to be feminine
but then make you hate being a girl
if this summer has taught me anything
it’s a man’s world and I’m just living in it
I am surrounded by testosterone
even my new therapist is a man
so many opinions and all of them matter but mine
so many names that everyone remembers but mine
so many wants and needs that are met, except
mine
because I am a girl

I woke up today like I do any other

trying to come out of a dream that confuses my reality when I first wake up
for a couple of seconds when I open my eyes
I can imagine your still here
I can drag my dream into the sunlight
and make believe that this whole thing was just a nightmare

I was always afraid of leaving
thinking that I would lose the parts of me willing to love again,

as if I had forgotten my heart was mine, still beating in my chest

to afraid of what I would become if I was alone or without you

like I thought that my brilliance was only because of you or something
and that it wasn't actually more of a reflection of myself back to me

I had forgotten I am my own
I am enough

to love again is inevitable
because I myself, am irrevocably going to be loved

I have let myself wander and go
away from the me I always was

a wild thing,
rootless,
unforgettable,
&
resilient,

the world is trying to muffle the sound of my
soul yelling through the fog my heart has created

other's views and negative thoughts
have affected me greatly
every harsh, word or tense way has sent me reeling,
pushing me farther and farther away from finding myself again,
got me off track, pointing me in every direction except the one I need to get back to me

forget myself and I forget it all,
lose the best parts of me and the worst at the same time,
doubt creeps in and I don't wanna try,
because who I am doesn't seem to matter anyway,
no one would even care if I disappeared,
in fact they would be happy I wasn't here

the voice that's left in my soul is exhausted from holding up the weight,
but space and time has created some beautiful things and the Lydia who is left under my skin hopes that the same will be true for me

You have been leaving for so long
Since that night when you told me to go home
But I wouldnt say a thing because it all sounded wrong
Now that your love has come and gone
And youre not really who thought you were

You told me to be patient, that our love was ever strong,
But on that night in my car, I told you you were wrong
I was weak and so despite myself
I begged for you to stay
When really, all along, I had been waiting for this day

This day for you to tell me that I just wasnt enough
And you never knew relationships could really be this tough
I was more than you had asked for, the fire had burned out
For so long you ignored my devastating shout

I watched you turn away from me and I knew this was it
There was something in your eyes
The way they held back secrets Id never know
The way they told me lies
And "Once you fixed yourself" you said you would come back to me
But by that time Darling, Id be long gone, alone and wild and free

But you were leaving for so long
And Im really not so strong
Im not this girl that picks up and moves on
I told you I wasnt strong

Well you've been leaving me for so long
And I dont need you after all,
Because I am all the things you swore I was
And now you have surely realized
The burning in my heart and the fire in my eyes
So you can keep all the broken promises
And all of the regret
Ill be up in the stars
Somewhere you'll never get

One day my brain will be nice to itself
Instead of rage I will give it a big hug
I’ll be able to apologize for all the years
of mistreatment and sorrow
I will mean it when I say I’m fine
there are no more layers to peel off
no more mysteries to solve
and no more reasons to worry
My mind will be at peace one day
A mantra for me to keep going

Oh well were riding at 8 in the morning with
this bowl making rounds inside a
car with
a heater thats a *******
and
Man, its March. When will it finally warm up?

I remember sitting on the front porch, curled up in a wicker chair with a pen and a pad of paper
the early June afternoon sun going down over my smalltown, casting a golden glow on the blacktop,
writing a poem about loneliness
and wondering whether everyone else around me
driving by in that car,
walking their dog,
stirring that drink at the bar,
was as lonely as I was

whether their heart also longed for something more
or felt a loss for what they never reached for in the first place
whether they were settling and giving up on their dreams

or had they finally decided to go for it,
That job
That person
That trip
That thing that makes their heart beat faster and gets their blood flowing
That thing that makes them feel free

or was I the only one,
in a world overflowing with people,
could I be the only one who gave it all up,
too afraid to make the change my soul was aching for?

I have decided that this is it
no matter how hard it may be
and even if I don't know where to start
I know that once you said the words
"I've been seeing someone since mid December"
my world faded away
the image in my mind was destroyed
and all that was left was
an emptiness so deep
it left my legs feeling broken from the fall
none of this is good for me
hearing you say she is
"the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore"
left burns in my brain in places that once held memories of us
the scars will never fade
and I'll forever think of the girl who makes you feel like I used to

what makes us so different is the way that we think
how everything we take in, we view as we are
not how "they" might be
seeing into someone's perspective is as impossible
as counting the stars
and just like those billions of tiny, twinkling lights
we all burn out at some point
when no one is paying attention

One time I showed up to a bar
took all my layers off and decided to give it a try
I let loose and felt free and drowned my sorrows in dainty drinks and rap music
Feeling like a bomb shell ready to blow
I let the world get under my skin and the beat roll into my veins as I became the girl everyone wants to meet
that everyone wants to talk to
I became the girl of my dreams
swirling in drinks with tiny straws and orange juice
dancing alone but felt like the whole room was with me
time flew by
until I left and became the same old girl who walked into a bar just to give it a try

it could be that I’m turning 24 soon but I feel like time is slipping
unlike most people I hate my birthday
I hate getting older and feeling like I’m running out of time to be young
every year it’s a depressing reminder that youth doesn’t stay for long
that I’m actually an adult and there is no stopping the future
I used to think when I was younger that I’d feel differently as I got older, that I would be happier, that the depression would go away and so would the anxiety and the feeling of not knowing what the hell Im doing
because adults are supposed to have it all together
but now I can look at life like none of us know what the **** we’re doing and we’re all a little sad and messed up

when I was angry, I was unstoppable
with fire in my veins I felt like I could move mountains if I just believed it hard enough
I was so capable
and so delicate
I was so scared
and so strong
when I was mad, I was motivated
with pain came beautiful triumphs
I was so ashamed
and so proud
I was so embarrassed
and so confident
when I am not angry anymore, I am incapable
without fire in my soul, I don’t believe I can get up out of bed
I am so happy
and so sad
I am so comfortable
and so confused

lately I walk in to work alone
I go to break and flop down on the bench and light up a cigarette and if I feel like talking I can
or if I don't I can just sit for ten minutes
I get to be just purely me
fresh start, new people, new opportunities
it's actually refreshing to do this on my own this time
I leave work alone
I rush out to my car like I used to in the old days
turn up the volume on the radio to all my ****** songs
roll the windows down
smoke a cigarette
and sit in silence
I've never been happier

I spent a lot of time in my life wondering why I wasn’t more like them
less like me and more like those people who are just noticed when they walk in a room
the ones you know are coming because you can hear them before they enter
I wondered why I wasn’t louder
more personal
more likeable, like them
why didn’t I have that way of greeting people and pulling them in as if I really couldn’t wait to hear about their weekend like they did
I worried there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to be in the crowd, I didn’t want to follow the leader or be picked for the team
I felt like I was flawed because I didn’t seem to think like them, act like them or look like them
I couldn’t keep up or stay in line or listen to the rules as easily
where others fell in place, I always felt like stepping out
It turns out of course, that the answer is we are all human
and my humanness wasn’t meant to be exactly like anyone else’s
and that’s okay
I just hadn’t found the ones who understand yet
what it’s like to be a person shoved inside of a human

those rainy day, gloomy doom moods still hit me,
the adrenaline of chasing a high even if it’s no good still gets me,
I still crave those moments of breaking the barrier and pushing limits,
self sabotage for the fun of it, to be reckless just because we’re here on this planet once,
as far as we know

the Wild in me still has legs that want to run
to feel and taste freedom like I can have whatever I want,
these days she’s just in bed by 8:30 having wild dreams instead

My tears would soak my face,
eyes red from the tiny veins busting inside from strain
my laugh was the loudest, my love was all in
my heart was running a never ending race
I felt a constant weight lay on my chest and my stomach never felt full
A deep emptiness engulfed me, a longing for life like I could taste it if I wanted to
chances waiting every hour, every minute things could change
goals upon goals and dreams upon dreams
I could take on the world, the doubt of others only a motivator to my next step
a powerhouse of life, love, movement and strength I was
a butterfly in the sky just out of reach
I really felt like I could fly back then
I felt guided by my spirit,
Like Frodo I had a secret weapon in my pocket to find the light, even in the darkest of places, unafraid to use it when all hope was gone
I was sassy, sarcastic and quick
always on the ready to jump, scream, laugh smile or run
It felt like me against the world and I was on the greatest team
I had a knowing that I was not going to let myself down, I would not be like them
I would be different

but I wasn’t
all the poems that I wrote, all the feelings that I felt, all the love I poured out, all the dreams I wasted and achieved, all the trying, kicking, screaming, joy, sorrow and peace, all of it
and yet I still became the one thing I spent so much time disowning
I still became me

I feel like I've found my niche
with this walking thing
I started because I found it makes my baby happy
he sleeps so good in the rocky stroller
falling into slumber with each bounce and groove in the sidewalk
I started to realize it was therapeutic
for the both of us
I find myself actually looking forward to
waking up so I can start my
morning and go for my walk
the air is clearer and so is my mind
I like to know I'm growing stronger everyday
I like to push myself to go further
walk faster
think harder
my walks are where my thoughts
come together
where I process my life and give myself time to be fully
me
sometimes my mind is blank
and I am just feet on the ground
leaving an untraceable path
burning calories and fat
into muscle and progress
I think I found my thing
a thing I like to do
even if it does seem small and simple
it makes me feel good
and when something makes you feel like this
why would you stop

I’m so anxious I can’t sleep
I have to get up for work at 4 am
I’m a little light headed
and my stomach hurts
I have a numbing sensation running through my legs to my head
I’m scared
I just want to cry
and scream
and run
and sleep
all at the same time
I’m so ******* uncomfortable right now I am mad
I’m lonely
I don’t want to be alone right now
but I also don’t want to be bothered
My prescription ran out and this is what I get for not getting it filled in time
My anxiety makes me so forgetful and spontaneous

Do you ever look back on how you behaved or something you said
and thought
I am embarrassing and dramatic?  
Nothing is that big of a deal in the end
In the moment it feels monumental
but looking back
everything works out eventually

I wonder what we would all do differently if today was our last day
or if this was our last week
our last year
what would we do to make the time worth while?
would I quit my job and see the places I've always dreamed of going to?
or spontaneously marry the man I love?
would I spend every waking second with my son and hold him a little tighter?
tell the people I love just how much they mean to me and tell old friends what a loss they were to my life?
its so easy to think of all the things you would do if you knew your time was up
so why don't we live that way everyday?
as if waking up isn't a gift and life is short and ever changing
we should do all the things that matter and be with the people we cherish and change the things we hate about life and start doing all those things we wish to go do
I'd like to think I'm going to try harder to live like I have no time left

I wanna look exactly how I feel
expression in its truest form
I relate colors to my mood
I’m like an abstract painting with no caption underneath
I want to be so true to my feelings that when I’m feeling down
I turn the color blue

I don’t mean to
and I will probably never completely stop feeling this way,
but so much of me is.. angry
It comes out in all forms for me
my 28 year almost 29 year old self still feels like that defensive little girl I was when I was 8
the one who wished to be someone else, anywhere else where being happy lived
so much time has passed and I find myself making the same mistakes I was falling into when I first thought about dying
now I’m angry for the version of myself I never got to be because now it’s too late and I’ll never really know
if I would have been trustworthy and smart
if I would have thought of myself as beautiful and strong
if I would have felt like I was capable
Instead I’m stuck being an angry 8 year old who doesn't know how to control herself

when I was 18 I went to a funeral for a man I didn't know with the guy I was living with at the time
the body wasn't there
it was supposed to be a celebration of life
this man had no kids
no wife
but he had a brother and a sister left behind
his siblings both went up and made a speech about him
and as tears rolled down their faces and photos flashed behind them on the screen
I lost it
I could imagine what it would be like to be at my own siblings funeral
up at the podium trying to make jokes about their younger years
I sat in this chair trying so hard not to make any noise
choking back tears that I had no idea where they were coming from
I guess I just felt so much empathy for these people that it made me cry with them
I got up quickly and went into the bathroom and let myself cry really hard for 30 seconds and then washed my hands and wiped my eyes and went back out to sit down
everyone knew I had been crying and no one said anything to me about it except my boyfriend at the time who asked
"Why are you crying, you didn't even know him?"
I shook my head and replied
"because they're so sad. I don't know. It made me sad too."

I make you up inside my head,
a version all fabricated from my own mind,
like an invisible chain
with a weight attached pulling me in
there is an unreasonable, unrealistic, tug
to get to know you
science can’t explain what this feeling is
that makes me see you
makes me feel like I can read you
a vibration of attraction that physics
hasn’t quite discovered yet
a gravitational pull of my mind leads me to thoughts of another dimension
with a me and a you in an alternate reality of my imagination that feels so real it’s like a memory
call it chemistry or a recollection from a past life
but I see you in my daydreams
A hazy place filled with my fantasies of all the possibilities of humans I feel bonds with but don’t really know

Am I angry?
Am I sad?
Am I am jealous?
Am I depressed?
That life could go from feeling so good to feeling like this?
I am all of these things.
I have wanted so much
and gotten so little
I have gotten so much
and wanted so little
I may never be really happy
I never thought I'd be this messy

I try to do it all
And not be too ******* myself at the same time
I try to stay in perspective and be a positive person
hope for the best and be a better human everyday
most days I still slip up
I get ugly and harsh and mean
but I'm trying
I want so much
and more for my family and myself
being patient and putting in the efforts is exhausting but I do believe one day it will all just make sense
my stars will align and I'll be proud of myself for doing it
I wanna love like I know he deserves
I want to be the mother I know my son deserves
I want to be true to myself
like I know I deserve

I think because of how I was raised
watching my mother rely on men to take care of her
I grew up believing that women needed men to survive
and I wasted so much time
trying to get a man to be that care giver
to take care of me and support me
unaware of how capable I was to do it on my own
it took years
I let my heart break and everything I'd ever believed waste away
and then I looked up and down
at my body and my reflection
and saw that I am my own caregiver
my biggest supporter
all I really ever needed was here all along

I remember the day we had people over because we had just moved in to the house
I took photographs to document the new memories we were going to make here
one of those memories now hangs in a frame on the wall
and all of us are smiling
and now I look back at that picture and wonder where those people went
who those people were
because they certainly don't look like us
at least the new us

the ones who screamed and shouted so loud the floors shook
and cried so hard their ribs felt they may break
the ones who ripped each other's hearts out with broken promises and painful truths
the ones who don't live together in this house anymore
I have now forgotten what it was even like to be happy with you
I leave that photo on the wall as a constant reminder to never forget the good times
even if it hurts

Today has turned into one of those days where I feel like I’m missing out on life
whatever that means
wherever it means


it means I’m at home, a young mother at 25, at home on a Tuesday evening and I have work in the morning and I’m feeling left out
I’m feeling jealous of anyone who isn’t tied down to someone
I’ve gotten to taste what that life is like,
on the weekends my son is with his father,
it’s bittersweet,
It feels so good to do what you want with no responsibility for a little while
but having someone to miss and a home to go home to hits different when you know what you’re missing


It’s a lonely life
I didn’t realize how isolating parenthood can be
how many hours alone I would spend
how much time I’d be unable to talk to another adult
how much I’d feel left out by the people I care about
how many times I’ve had to turn down plans because I had my child

It’s also a fulfilling life
a beautiful one
a challenging one
a scary one
a fun, adorable, loving, and be loved life I have

It’s just a Tuesday night
and I’m at home with my kid on my couch in my living room
one day I’m gonna miss these days
I have successfully written myself out of the funk I was in when I started this
thanks for listening

Sometimes I can't put down my thoughts the way I wish I could
I feel like my head is blocking my words from escaping
Like it's too hard to express my real feelings anyway
this is normal
I begin to think my life is just so boring and uninteresting that I don't have anything to say
but I have moments where I take a deep breath and let it go slowly and think to myself
"I know I'm just depressed"
and that feeling is hopeless
and I feel helpless
I'll look at my reflection and think to myself
"What am I supposed to do?
Everyday isn't a bad day.
Even if it's not really a good one either."

the last thing anyone wants to hear when their hurting is that
"it will get better with time"
but it's honestly the truth

one day you really will be going about your daily life and that baseball in your gut won't be there anymore

you will find yourself slowly but surely in a different state of mind, so much so that you won't even realize you're not sad anymore
you'll find yourself around those new people everyone said you would meet, and doing all those new things everyone said you would do

the sun is still going to shine and there will be days the sky is bright blue and the best songs come on the radio all in a row

But one day you'll be driving down the road or folding your laundry and it will hit you,
that pain you thought you had forgotten
but this time you'll be stronger, you'll be wiser and you will be better for it

when it comes out of nowhere you will actually feel content for being human but also uplifted because it's over

when I was so sad and heartbroken I used to think "time heals all wounds" was a saying people said who had never felt real sorrow
now I know the ones who say it have lived their life through the hurting and came out feeling just like I do right now

I have dreams that he dies a lot
Either by getting shot by someone or hit by a car
in those dreams I am always looking forward to a new future
a clean slate
I think it's obvious my dreams are a sign that he is actually the one killing me
slowly, mentally
I would never wish death upon someone
but is it fair that he has killed me multiple times?

I wonder if my cat knows
she’s helped me keep going
a few times
by just choosing to sit in my lap

For over 6 months I couldn’t cry
as someone who has spent countless tears over her lifetime, it made me feel disconnected from myself
even when it made sense, I physically couldn’t
I started to think there was something wrong with me or that I had lost a part of myself that feels so deeply it causes tears
and then, just like that
I started again
I’ve cried two days in a row
and yes, it is a good thing
to be feeling again

Sometimes I think about you
I wonder if you think I just go on with my day to day life, never a thought of you crossing my mind

Some days I can
not think about you or your voice or where you are;
how you're doing

Most days things cross my mind  

like all the beautiful things you said to me
and I don't mean the compliments, I mean the way you spoke about life,
how you're voice floated to me like the nicest sound Id ever heard

I think about how you were nice to me,
nicer than anyone ever has been
How your soul was sad like mine, the way your eyes searched for something

You told me once how it felt so good that you had found me
like you had waited your whole life for me
You always said things like that,
no one else has ever said anything like that to me

I think a lot about the pretty things you loved to tell me

some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.

out of bed and into your arms
your fresh eyes, morning hair and scruffy face,
your hands go up my sides and back around my waist as you
pull me close and take me in
no where else on earth feels this much like home,
I've never felt such security in fingertips before
loving you is like breathing
because I can't get enough