they say growing up is a trap,
but what about never growing at all?

I think it may be worse to miss out on all the heartache and pain that comes with being alive because in all that suffering, is where you find yourself

growth hurts,
every limb and vein in your body as if you're being pulled apart,
but from darkness always comes something far more beautiful and then after all of it,
you're still here

rather than stay sheltered and safe and comfortable,
I think I'd rather feel it all

all the risks I've ever taken
or hardships life has thrown at me,
or moments so wonderful they imprinted my soul,
have been more painful and beautiful and just so very worth it
I wouldn't change a thing

I wish I could delete everything I’ve ever posted on the internet,
make myself disappear,
untraceable, unavailable, please try again another time,
I want to hit return and erase every text I’ve ever sent,
being invisible is safe, anonymity is freedom,
I want to fall out of cyberspace and into a black hole of pre recorded memories,
of times before we were attached to cords for validation,
so many perceptions of who I am create Frankenstein versions of me insinuated in the minds of others,
am I who I think I am or who you think I am?
manipulating wires became plugged into our brains and we forgot what we looked like in the mirror,
I want to know what I really think of me,
not what I was groomed into seeing
from years of comparisons that will never be enough,
I want to log myself out from the internet and act like I just logged in,
to what life would’ve been without it

I am not sure if it’s possible for me to be fun. Or at least the definition of fun that everyone else around me seems to have
I don’t want to drink or do drugs and stay up late
I want to go to sleep at a decent time and wake up and play Animal Crossing and do some things around the house and then go for a walk

some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.

Sometimes I think about you
I wonder if you think I just go on with my day to day life, never a thought of you crossing my mind

Some days I can
not think about you or your voice or where you are;
how you're doing

Most days things cross my mind  

like all the beautiful things you said to me
and I don't mean the compliments, I mean the way you spoke about life,
how you're voice floated to me like the nicest sound Id ever heard

I think about how you were nice to me,
nicer than anyone ever has been
How your soul was sad like mine, the way your eyes searched for something

You told me once how it felt so good that you had found me
like you had waited your whole life for me
You always said things like that,
no one else has ever said anything like that to me

I think a lot about the pretty things you loved to tell me

I can love myself so much better
comparison steals my ability to see my beauty
I spend so much time loathing
I don’t know what to compare myself to anymore

I can not give you a good reason why some days my heart races into infinity
and other days it chooses to leave me hollow

that would be like asking me to rip open my chest
to expect something wild and free to do anything except what it wants just for you

my soul simply wanders into the direction my arrow chooses to go

I cannot tell you why sometimes my heart allows me to overflow my veins with happiness
while at the same time pumping anxiety into my sternum

I have spent my years searching
desperately trying to figure out an ***** that was never meant to be explained to the owner of it's shell

I have been asked what I am doing with my life
and my answer is always the same
listening to my heart when it's disagreeing with my brain

take care of yourself
and know it's ok to have different feelings
reconnect with doing the things you like to do without your spouse
give yourself a break
don't go through this alone
establish new relationships, hang out with your friends and make new ones
don't put yourself in emotionally hard situations
pay attention to how you feel
don't include your kids in the conflict
things will go back to normal, even if it's a new "normal"

out of bed and into your arms
your fresh eyes, morning hair and scruffy face,
your hands go up my sides and back around my waist as you
pull me close and take me in
no where else on earth feels this much like home,
I've never felt such security in fingertips before
loving you is like breathing
because I can't get enough

How could you have let someone speak to you like that?
How did you put up with it for so long?
You gave so much of yourself away
it wasn't fair
you did everything for him and he drained you
he never even noticed if the floors were swept and mopped
but I bet now he does
he spoke to you like you were trash
now I bet he sees how fast it builds up when you don't take it out
You raised his son all on your own
but he took all the credit
I bet now he knows why you felt so alone
Now it's too late and he took you for granted
You shine for the old you
You be the girl you were always meant to be without him
You be the girl you always wanted to be back on those morning he would talk down to you and say nasty things and make you feel like you were nothing

on the days you feel like quitting
giving up
or shutting down
remember there is more to you than pain and anxiety
you are a roaring wildfire, unstoppable to put out
you are the wild flowers that return every year, beautiful and free
you are the full moon,
in a sky full of stars,
you are even brighter

there is eternal sunshine in your soul if you remember to look for it
all this time you have had in you the strength you have always searched for

Life has been all ******
No ******
The build up is great but the letdown leaves me feeling cheap

I left the music on while I laid on the floor
sinking into the carpet felt good
I had no purpose to get up
and no intentions on trying
I had no reason to be anywhere and no one wanted me somewhere
I realized if I disappeared no one would notice
if I stayed right there on that floor in my bedroom for the weekend, it wouldn’t matter because nobody cared
I was utterly alone
and insanely lonely
I thought
I’m going to stay here forever
where the carpet is soft and the world has stopped and no one knows what I’m doing
and most of all, because I dont have to feel anything except the floor on my face

sometimes being a woman just makes me feel angry
I often wonder how many men have had to block someone’s number or profile. Or
had to change their own number to be able to breathe easily anytime their phone goes off?  
I wonder if all the men who just mean well, meant they mean well when they get what they want

I never realized how hard the bad days were until I got what I thought I wanted
being alone
being without you
now that I no longer have you to blame
it's more than obvious that on all the bad days
You were the only thing good about them

I think I made you up inside my head,
the way your words are so sweet and you always know how to cheer me up,
how your arms are so warm
and you know how to make all of my favorite foods

your perfect green eyes and brown hair,
are my favorite combination
mixed with your soft, sweet musky smelling beard that brushes against my face when I kiss you,
how your smile melts me and all those little noises you make are so cute
I just adore you in every way
that it's all too perfect,
like I get to live in the greatest daydream every single day beside you

you want me all the time,
my presence in the room is enough to leave you breathless
and every time we wrap into one another
you take my breath away
we're two people who fit together just
drunk on each other's company

even when I'm angry or have no makeup on you always tell me I'm beautiful
not only because of how I look on the outside, but also for the me on the inside

if I had dreamed up a guy he couldn't have been as good as you,
your perfection for me as a lover is undeniable,
as if you were sent to earth to wait
just for me,
born to one day cross paths with a girl with long blonde hair and weird dance moves to all the songs on the radio,
a storm come to blow you away

out of all the people in the world you were made to love all of myself,
it's as if I made you up inside my head

I have been the thunder
tearing through life with a heavy heart
drenching my soul with sorrow
as if in a dark cloud
I was surrounded by my own grief
over not living the life I had always dreamed
afraid of the wind ripping my roots out of the ground like flowers in a thunderstorm
not realizing that like the sun,
I will always find my way back

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to show my love
or why I can be so present and unavailable when you need me the most
it’s not like I don’t feel it
the way my issues have built up a wall
I look so warm but I’m cold to the touch
my ability to love is shadowed by my self hate
I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who hurts themselves but causes you pain

I've cried as much as my eyes will let me
I don't think there's anything left in my ducts to pour out
but my heart still hurts just the same
I cried because I am frustrated
I am sick of this situation were always in
I cried because I don't know how we're going to do it
even though I know we will
I guess I cried because it's going to be so hard  
I cried because I don't believe in myself the way I act like I do
I am so scared all the time
I don't know what I'm doing and I am scared of being in pain
I cried because my life is going to change in ways I hadn't even considered yet
the days we had are gone and I miss them already
I cried because life is scary and I haven't felt this alone in so long
I cried because I feel bad for feeling this way
it's not my babies fault I am feeling unprepared
it is my own
I just feel so alone and full of regrets tonight

the vibrations in the room so heavy you can feel it in your pulse
sending vibes back and forth
when you’re sad I can feel it
when you want me I can sense it
when you’re angry I can breathe it
I could choke on the tension
suffocation taking my breath away

the front you put up can’t keep out the words you don’t wanna say
tell me you’re fine
I know you’re losing
tell me it’s easy I know it’s harder
you can swallow me whole with your energy
I’ve always swam in my feelings

every once in awhile
I start to wonder if I’m really depressed after all,
then I realize
the meds are working

I really do wonder if I am just going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it's just a very long faze
I've wondered this for years
always thinking
"well next week will be better
next month will be better
next year will be better"
and it's not
I've been so unhappy lately
the kind I can't quite put my finger on
I know I've been lonely
and feeling insecure lately
about everything
my looks
my job
my relationship
my son
my car
Etc etc etc
I honestly have days and weeks where I feel unstoppable
I could handle everything at once and not blink
but then all of those highs crash into deep dark lows and I feel too weak to climb back up

I didnt expect the ache
the consistent, deep emptiness
right in the center of my chest
like a knot ******* and throbbing
into my soul
I didn't expect the real anger and the pain that comes with a broken heart
in trying to get over someone you once thought you'd never have to
I didn't expect three months later to face having to see you with another girl
And I didn't expect that you would love her three weeks later either

sometimes I wish you could make someone take back something they said
because as soon as they did
the image you had of them in your mind explodes in an instant
they are just like Them after all,
there’s the hate and prejudice and refusal to have empathy for others that seems to flow so freely these days
no where feels safe anymore in a world where the people you love are part of the problem

You should not have to feel like you need to change yourself for anyone else
the right person should help you bloom into the sunshine
be the rain to nourish your roots
and the soil to help you grow
but be the key to helping you see how beautiful you've been all along

As I drove home today I got a glimpse of what my new life would feel like
For a minute my heart didn't hurt and my insides didn't feel tangled in a knot and I was able to breathe fully again

I was able to see myself smiling from being so in love with being alone
From being proud of myself for taking back my life and finally listening to my heart calling out that it was time

I took note of the sky and the way the trees were dropping leaves and how the cornfields were yellow and the chill in the air coming in my car window made me shutter,
so one day when I started to forget why I did this
why I wanted to be alone

I can see the leaves on the trees and know that I did it because once again, I was enough

everyone acts like because I left you
I should just move on
ignore you,
forget about it
as if it's absurd that I ache

that I am not overflowing with joy
to have my life turned upside down

as if I don't have the right to be sad
because I made the choice to go

but going isn't just closing a door,
it's opening windows to feelings that hold you hostage
break your limbs and squeeze your heart

I get angry at myself
telling my heart "we weren't supposed to hurt like this,
this is what you wanted"

leaving someone is just you spending every day trying to figure out how to live without them

I’m so angry it’s not good
I have to go in to work in about twenty minutes
and yet I don’t know if I wanna scream or cry or sleep or all of it
Let me start by saying I think my anxiety is through the roof
I feel like crap and I’m so out of it I don’t even know how I got here
sometimes I want to be babied
I want someone to help me get ready and cater to all of my needs
Keep me safe under a wing like a mother does
Like I do for my son
Tell me I’m so smart and cute and funny
In those exact words
Tell me I will be helped and safe
No one does that when you’re an adult
It’s literally you against the world
So me against the world
Me against the world
Against the world
The world

I don't know where else to turn with my feelings
social media is a waste of my time
I've never felt more alone there
I'm happy and sad at the same time
and I didn't know how I was going to feel
But truly I just feel lost
this week has taken it out of me,
the past couple months have to
I would like to act like I'm stronger than this
but I just don't know anymore
how much can one person take?
its just the feelings full of color pouring out of me
and I don't know if my tears are because I'm happy or if I'm sad
or somewhere in between
I'm just a girl calling out to the universe to bring me back
to send me a sign
to show me the way
to just help me make it though even one more day

I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish  
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall

September 22nd 2024

For the first time in my 29 years of life
my step dad told me he was proud of me
and my mom said
I’m Sorry
it’s not ironic that it came from them once I was in tears

It makes me sad
to my soul to say,
I think there’s one that got away

It would be my fate,
to meet my soulmate,
a few years too late

What could have been
is lost to the abyss,
So within my heart,
You’re mine to miss

There has to be a way to stay true to that calling inside of me that feels wild and unruly, other worldly and independent
while also pursuing a life that has more abundance and conformity, maturity and rules
how can I still be an independent thinker in my world while also applying the rules of a corporation for a better paycheck and feel good about that?
I want more but I have never been apart of the club
The person who agrees with the majority for my own well being
It’s a battle between my morals and my personal gain that I don’t know how to win
When you know you can do great things but also worry if the great things are just like lipstick on a pig

people **** me off
I think I’m from another planet
I hope I am right and one day my family will come to collect me and all of my knowledge from my time here on earth with the humans will be for something  
people are obsessive and controlling for things like your attention or time
no sense of personal space or brain sense to leave someone alone
I hope when I’m abducted, my memories of this planet get washed out of my mind
I’ve never felt like I belonged here
people are so selfish and careless with your feelings or your body

One day I will be writing happy poems
about strength and courage
and what it feels like to be in love with yourself, unafraid to be alone
I won't look back and think maybe we could try again, or start over or try harder
One day I'm going to wake up and not feel bitter and angry
I will have forgiven you and myself
I'll be doing the dishes and think to myself how long it's been since I've thought about you, about us

One day I'll take a deep breath of relief
but today, I will write sad poems about heartache, anger and what it feels like to be alone

Level 29 has been really hard for me
I can’t seem to get the hang of this game called
Life
I thought by now I would have it more figured out,
I’ve been playing long enough

the person you are now
is not the one I'm heartbroken over
that man is long gone
and I don't know which hurts worse
being heartbroken over a person who doesn't exist anymore
or missing a man who disappeared because of me

Now I can't breathe
I am wide awake
Going back to sleep is impossible
Help me
Tired eyes and my brain is fuzzy
Maybe I'll think nice thoughts
And that will help me sleep
Really I am trapped in my head
Every night I just have bad dreams

Why do I pick people with problems, as if I don't have enough already?

I can barely breathe through my own flaws, how am I supposed to love someone through theirs?

I could cry
I'm exhausted
anxious
lonely
on edge
lately I feel like I've been walking on a mental tightrope
unbalanced and ready to slip at anytime
I keep telling myself I need more sleep
or it's just this birth control in my arm,
but I've told myself these same things since I was 14 years old
and I've slept since then
I've switched birth control since then,
I've still hurt myself since then

to see the parts of me that are melancholy and depressed
as beautiful or bewildering
would be too much of a compliment to myself,
the words sing to my soul,
describe me so perfectly I rename myself with the formations of these letters until I become them,
I have spent my whole life as the color blue, melting into puddles every chance I get,
I’ll look down just in case
so you don’t see me,
my eyes give me away, by
reflecting the blue on the inside that drowns me in my feelings

I feel like I’ve been running since I was 18
always chasing down something I felt I had to achieve
I had a plan and lists of hopes for my future
and 8 years later I have checked almost every box off my list
that feeling of accomplishment comes in waves
knowing my hard work paid off
knowing where I was and where I am today makes me grateful
so very grateful
for everything
all the stuff I had to go through
all the pain I felt
and happiness along the way
I feel like I can stop running
and start walking to take it all in
not because I have checked almost all of my boxes
but because I checked the one box that I never put down


I have found peace in my everyday life
satisfaction
and a knowing that things will be okay
no matter what happens
because I am grateful
because I believe in myself
because
I know myself now better than I ever have
It’s an understanding
of all the uncertainty I’ve faced in my past and that I will face in my future


I hope on your grocery list for your life
you find inner peace and security in trusting yourself
as you chase all of your dreams
that way when you come to the end
you can start making more boxes

for the past few days the same thought has went through my head
what if I just stop living?
meanwhile my heart has kept asking me
but what if we just stopped dieing?

Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow

There are those songs I will
listen to over and over
because
they remind me of
you.

Anxiety has me smoking more cigarettes this morning than usual
I'm supposed to be inside working but instead I'm sitting out here on cigarette number two watching a train go by
I could count the cars,
the night sky still has stars shining through
not even the sounds of the rails can drown out my heavy heart beat
I'm the only fool to come in early on the Friday before labor day weekend
so I am milking my time and wasting the seconds
sometimes everything feels so pointless here
work, life, the world, trying,
when the train passes by
I'll flick my cigarette and go back inside