I open up your door
What I see there is a beautiful face looking back at me
Aside from my reflection
I do also see a cherry blossom tree
In its beginning stages
Something we picked out together
And the first thing we decided on
For the outside of our home
Something significant there
How we weren't even together
When we made that trip
Figuring out how to put a tree in an SUV
Now we're here...
I'm looking out your door
You, you're right beside me.
Just like you've never left.
Because you never really did.

Opened up and vulnerable
There's no turning back now
I fear that I have to be able
My feelings, they just have to allow
All of the past, is just that
The past doesn't last
It's what the future holds
Like the letters of love
Only they're in bold
Outlined in silver slithers
Here I am,
Open and vulnerable
Hoping my soul does not wither

Here I am again
Stuck in between
Stability and losing my mind
I don't know what is best
Usually it's less
Than what's happening behind the scenes
I wish I didn't find you so keen
It'd make this easier
But I'd end up sleazier
That's something I don't want
Even though sometimes I have that front
I want what's best
I'm told that I should take rest
From all these guys
That want a piece of pie
I know that much is what's really best.
Taking time to find stability
In your arms I find that capability.

If I could steal another's words,
I swear I would have said,
"Be sure to kiss your knuckles,
before you punch me in the face."
If I would have had the guts,
I would have long before said stop.
I swear I would have said,
"Please stop your words
before they reach my ears."
I'd rather you have punched me in the face
Because I can forget the knuckle prints
But I can't let go of the word fits.

i’d like to one day write
about something that isn’t a fight
something beautiful
and something serene
there’s something around with some sheen
i know it’s true
that's what all the others say.
self, don’t be so blue
today’s a new day
and i can write what i please
even if it’s not with ease

this forgetfulness has to stop
its eating at my brain
taking all of every day
they flutter away
it makes  me feel ashamed
to forget the simple things

I see a firefly
He brightens up my night
I find him trying
To be so much more

Yet little does that guy know
He's doing so much more
Alone
that brightens up your night,
Sometimes your life.

I would love for you to kiss me
Kiss me how I could actually feel it.
Feelings might not be mutual
But agreements are out the door
Just because that door is closed
The kissing door isn't

I want to feel your lips graze mine
I want to feel them in me
I would love for the kiss to end up
With the both of us intertwined
Like that one night
When I never though I'd feel that kind

That kind of chemistry in bodies
Unlike the ones I can feel in lobbies
I want your hand to hold mine
It's terrible that this isn't the right time.

The leaves they're flying instead of falling
I guess this is the part that's beautiful
The somewhere in between
Perhaps falling isn't
The ******* worst

i did my affirmations and found i am open minded
and i tried to look myself in the eye and found i couldn’t
i could only see my features,
my cheek bones mostly.
and the corners of my lips.
that slight point.
of looking myself in the eye
seemed so **** difficult..
no wonder i did it without saying anything
and i caught my lip’s points fall.

I sit in this hospital
For someone else that isn't me
Instead, for someone finally trying to be
The person that's underneath all of those bottles

We thought you'd scream and fight
Instead it was almost like we had reached
Your destination of the beach

As we pulled in you freaked
A little about the record
And what they would think of you
You, black pants and no shoes

Really, though -
Who could not respect
A young man standing tough
In the waiting room of an emergency room
Finally accepting help

the way this hat feels
on my head
its such a soft wool
its creating a light pull
on the back of my hair
but in reality
warm are my ears
its a deep shade of violet
the color of royalty
i'll reach that shortly
it's knitted quite tightly
but the pull,
it's kind of light
it works with my outfit
my ex's tye dye t-shirt
with a button up
that just happens to be tribal print
i picked it up
the day after i had stayed
that shirt matches my shoes
i took the laces out not long ago
i felt like it would be a better show
they're more comfy now
that's how this whole room feels

Trembling hands
Hands all over you
Your skin I know so well
So well like our love
Deep and endless

Endless is what we thought
Thoughts are turning into reality
The reality of you
And me
Working through my disease

My disease we worked through four years
Why not make it forty more
Forty more ounces
Until I forget my mistakes

My mistakes landed me here
Here in my bed alone
Alone
Alone at night
When I coulda shoulda stayed

I should have stayed in the house
The house you bought for us
For our woulda been family
Family means our furbaby
Family is ohana

You never left me
I never wanted to leave.
I just always thought it was better
You without me.

mania means blackouts.
the violent situation
mania.
all the symptoms were there.
short fuse.
irritability.
full blown,
mania.
all of the time.
mania.
i couldn't sleep.

How are you supposed to eat
When you don't have an appetite
But know you can't
Because it just makes you sick.

Nothing is permanent.
Not here at least.
You all seem temporary.
To me at least.

Everything here lasts.
Everything around me at least.
You all will never leave
My head at least.

anxiety creeping on
anxiety taking over
i'm the youngest in a room
filled with folks i don't know
three old blondes
one middle aged man
i don't belong
just like out there
so how am i supposed to learn
when my stomach is in this churn
like butter i want to be spreadable
anywhere, and in everything
butter is so much smoother than me
for once i'd like to be credible
maybe, one day, incredible.

i want to be angry
so ****** angry
but i’m not sure
if it is at myself
or at your ****** blue eyes.

i just want you.
to the point where
i feel like someone else
will end up here to replace
you and those blue eyes

i just want this.
i want it all to work.
i want it all to be perfect.
when right now.
i’m the farthest from perfection
that i have ever been before

i want to be face down
on a mirrored  table
coke in my nose
and THC in my system
klonopin residued
i was doing better then
than i am doing now

i still like you
i still adore your presence
its so calming
and i wish i wasn’t so ******
or so angsty
it all seems to come out wrong
it makes me feel ******
that you’re this good person
and i’m so stressed out

there i was
worried
about coming home
to an empty space
filled with two cats
and memories i can’t erase.

i made it home
i was benzo’d out.

i did the dishes
catching myself
from the ***** soap water
repeating the things
distract and relax
that's what the crazies said

here i am, in my head
saying it too
am i crazy
or am i just living dead

so i vacuum
and say it again
i can cope,
panic doesn’t ****

does this make me crazy
that i say these things
to keep me calm
to distract and relax
my mind knowing that
**i’m all alone

"inside out, you’re underneath"
"don’t let me be gone."
"i’m a goner"
"i want to be known."


those are the lyrics
that had my eyes in tears
that had my heart in pain
they hit so close
so close to home
they hit my heart
they hit my head

every part of me
felt this song
felt me knowing
that eventually
no one can fix me.

i want to know myself.
i don’t want to be gone
i have to stop myself
stop it from being gone.

"i’m inside out,
you’re underneath."

i have to get right side out
i have to get that underneath
back outside
my filthy mind
my filthy mind that won’t let me escape

i can’t take another day
feeling this way
feeling like i’m somewhere
stuck in-between
between these spaces in my brain

i would say i’m okay
but in all reality
it’s these nine pills i take a day
four for anxiety
three for a stable shiny mind
and two mg to keep me low

all of these downers
i’m still above
i’m still above that line
that line of feeling fine

all of these downers
that are supposed to keep me stable
and there are still moments
when i feel so unable
to take on the day

all of these downers
would have some on their ***
and i’m here still finding
that my *** is playing in grass

As I drove here today
I pondered the funny feeling
The one I felt when I first ran away
The one that crept
The one that made the abuse real
Those were the ones making me feel

Two hours later, I'm in my car
knowing I should go
I should run and take myself away
Once again
Its not as easy this time
Seeing him place his hands
And his words and his tone
On the little ones

The little ones that I grew
The ones I wish could have flew
With me to another place
Somehow achieving a sense of grace

The little ones I can't protect
Not anymore, I can't forget
Every time I'm here
all of these fears
They just come creeping back

I'll just sit in my car this time

I wish you would stop
These stupid petty games
The ones that I'm supposed to play
The ones where you don't let go
After I said that is it
For Sure
I'm not coming back
I don't want friendship
I don't want your apologies
I want nothing to do with you
Then
All of your angry words
Just make me out to be the worst

I’m like midwest weather forecast
I’m stuck in summer
I hate the dead of winter
it rains in the spring
overall
fall is the ******* worst

if you really want to see
what you've done to me
just look inside of this
this notebook you see

I'm petrified of your kiss
yet its the one thing I miss
when i'm laying on my couch
all benzo'd out

its the thing I desperately crave
when i'm alone in an ice cave
then I remember our bout
the one before you kicked me out
the one where I said ouch

you had me on your bed
your hands suffocating my head
all I thought was I love you tons
but then I saw your guns

I believed me a *****
a pathetic daddy issue girl
because of what you said
it burned me to the core

this is it you see
how I don'twant to be
how you thought me to be
that is what you've done to me

I remember our first kiss
whiskey and too many cigarettes
I was at my worst
you were at your best
I made you do two lines
after all I needed to feel fine
you made me slightly nervous
you were too observant

there are times when
I see what they see
it's just really hard to be
like that all the time
when you are stuck in your mind

all I see are dead leaves
falling to the floor
piled in the corners
their sticking to my rake
it’s kind of overwhelming
I can’t really focus
when all these leaves are here
I wish I could switch gears
to get rid of all this fear

There’s a place on 12th and Hawthorne
and one on 12th and Morrison
I want to take you there
and talk about how I care.
we just have to pay the bus fare

it’s just on the 70…
no where near my Kennedy
we’ll walk a couple blocks
it could be more like five
that’s ok we’ll be at high dive

I hope we do see mo.
she’ll be playing sad love ballads.
if we end up seeing shon
we’ll think he’s the Foo fighters lad
then there could be dan.
he’s still trying to be a man.

we’ll walk a few blocks more
there’s an attraction here
it’s called roadside, dear.
we can have a few beers.

we’ll sit on a lovely swing
and I’ll talk about this thing
I want to take you there.
however I’m just too scared.

when I’m driving down the interstate
I always have the same debate
I feel like I’m stuck in a **** crate

I would like to go.
drive down to Denver Colorado.
I would like to see
the west coast beach

when I’m driving down these side roads
I only see these toads
I would like to feel
that west coast real

I would like to walk,
have a nice talk.
I would like to be
with those that are free.

I’m parked in a driveway
and it’s only one way.
it’s definitely not -
it’s definitely not what i thought.

here comes number two
this time I didn’t want to be through
this is the second overdose
at least I’m not comatose

first I had this headache
but then I felt my back ache
my hands were kinda trembling
my legs wouldn’t stop bending

my head began to tighten
my mom needed to be enlightened
I tried to talk with her
all my words were blurred

they asked if they could help in a way
I just needed to keep my body at bay
it was hard to breathe
I knew I needed to leave

in the car came more spasms
I don’t think she even fathomed
this is what happens you see
when you need meds to be

they ask me how much I took
to overdose on lithium
I just gave an astonishing look
I didn’t do this for fun

I’m here because I’m seizing
on a dose that was wrote
by my doctor you see
so I could finally be
normal to me.

you just lay me here to quiver
and you’re in here faking
this alarm is awakening
BP one forty three over ninety four
I’m convulsing, almost to the floor
my heart rate is up to one fifty
this could not be anymore ******

you wanna give me ativan
after I tell you they said no benzos
plus I’m on this other,
atypical antipsychotic
oh, I forgot to mention that other overdose.
I don’t need to frolic
in a white pill sea
that’s now beneath me

I just want this to stop.
this constant convulsing
the unwanted tightening
it goes from bottom to top

over an hour later
it finally chose to stop
when the blood work was fine
my heart was on a normal line

there’s a place
where the sun meets sea -
that’s where we used to be.
now we’re somewhere
Here.
you’re having this strange fear
& I’m calling someone else dear.
I’m playing in this sand,
you’re stuck on the land.

tic tac toe to me
isn’t what you think
in fact it really stinks

this is what you think:
that I’m not true
because I follow
the directions on my orange bottle

tic tac toe to me
is a lengthy process
I’ve been off of them;
I cared about myself way less

tic tac toe to you
just reminds you of me;
just like everything else.
reminds you of all my tells.

tic tac toe resolves our woes
they can go from head to toes
I’ll never fill a void…
you’ll only think I toyed

I know I’m not always perfect.
I do wish I was worth it.
You told me every day,
that you loved me more.
I tried to argue mostly,
but now we’re both alone.
trying to find someone
that we can grow with closely.
this is way too hard for me,
knowing I’m the one who left
all of our good memories
in the dust.
every time we say we were so
In Love…
I just don’t really see
how you could have really been
in love with me.
the pictures of mine are gone
they were erased with the touch
of my shaking thumb
those were all my memories.

looking back I see
where it all went wrong
it was when I saw her
her in bra and a thong
you weren’t denying
you’d only been implying
this friend you said
is only a friend
it may not have been a lie
it was enough for me
to say bye.

I like it when you kiss my cheek
and my forehead
the tip of my nose
I like your eyes
and when you touch my thigh
when we’re driving down the road
it’s a nice place to be
you next to me.

I started working my life
in a way sarah would like
it send quite misdirected
living a way someone else suggested
but she’s the one I’ve trusted
all throughout thus crazy life
so many turns sometimes the wrong way
she was there not an ear spared
sarah seems to care
when I have every thing to bear
she will listen and not put up a fight
to make me do what’s right
sarah let’s me see
what my decisions have done to me
she always shows me
a new way to try and be
finding a way within my mind
to close out the rest
she makes me find
colleen at her best

there’s this unspoken talk
that we didn’t need to have
but there we were
on this rocking love seat
you asked if you’d be
the only one accepting my kiss
I didn’t need to look at my feet
to tell you -
you’d be the only one kissing me

here we are now
& I’m waiting on this conversation
the sober version of
you referring to me as your girlfriend
your best friend says
-he cares about you.
& ever since I’m wondering
-does this still hold true?

I don’t want to end up blue
if this ends up downhill
after being stuck like glue
almost every day to you .

I don’t want to feel like I’m crossing a line.
everything so far has been fine.
I don’t want this talk,
to end up with one of us taking a walk.
we both have things
that don’t need to be seen.
I don’t want you to be just a fling,
eventually I feel like you could be my king.
I slightly do feel like a queen
who finally has somewhere to lean
on someone who does not ask
-what is wrong, why is your face long?
I’m just really hoping this could last.

I’m tired of having this conversation
the one with my friends
asking if we’re official
because all I can say
is that we have an agreement
that was a simple okay,
let’s stay like this
I’m tired of my neighbor
requesting to know
“how is your boyfriend? ”
I believe I don’t have permission
to discuss you this way
because we just have our simple okays.

I have a hard time
letting go of your past
even knowing that I’m not
responsible for your kind
I still can’t get that statement to unwind
when you told me,
“it was because I didn’t have you.”
I should have been through
that time with you.
you’ve taken our faith,
you let it go to waste.
just so you could act like a person
but you were just thirsty
for that thing crystal.

that point inside
your veins
that rips you from
your mind
the one that takes
your soul

it leaves nothing
for you
it takes what it can making
you feel
that without it
you’re not real

it’s drowned
you out
for more than five years
it took away all
your fear
but it’s left you with
nothing more to bear
than a deep hole
inside your arm
that you can only see
with empty brown eyes

I can only say I’ve tried
more than a few times
to help you get it off your mind
but now now you’re only
crushing up more lines

with more lines comes
more tracks
which ends up with
less life and less tact

this casual relationship
is starting to turn
into a nervous churn
deep inside my skin
& getting to my stomach
I’m turning kind of nervous
only because I’m curious
to see what you think of me
and knowing your response
to “could we really be”
I don’t need to fail
knowing that you’d bail
upon me asking
to have this sober conversation

our bodies skin to skin
our arms and legs
limb to limb
our fingers intertwined
all of this just runs
through my mind
trying to think
why I’ve never felt
this kind of simplicity
when being body to body

we’re riding in your best friend’s car
where yah tell me that I’m cute
I just bow my head and say
you’re pretty cute yourself
you put your arm around my shoulders
and tell me I’m adorable
my body responds by touching your leg
my head just thinks “how can he be mine?”
he sings outloud, “please fall asleep so I can take pictures if you
& hang them in my room”
I just close my eyes and bob my head
to this tune that reminds me of you

this music’s sound is unlike anything
i’ve ever heard.
it makes my soul smooth,
it makes my heart cringe
yet it doesn’t over do it
with the sounds they let you hear.


the sound of someone falling,
falling farther from that cloud
that cloud that was their love,
filled with glitter and soft whispers


the song makes break ups beautiful
something you’d like to not fear
it makes you want to work out
your plans of i do and not
end up shivering from the dry heaves
your tears made you feel