i’m sitting with my friend
we talk about our relationships
the ones that could’ve been
i’m tired of the what if’s
knowing that we did them
she tells me she tried
but it always circled
back around to the same ol’ sound

the sound of the hearts’ pound
thinking that this is what it’s about
loving someone so much
it makes you sad
to see another happy
it makes you sad that you can’t
you can’t open that door
to another

instead you’d rather keep trying
with that one who left you whining
whining that he forgot your birthday
and whining that he won’t kiss you
because you wouldn’t give him head

we sit and talk about all these times
reverting back to the trials
the trials that we went through
so many times
but every time we fell…
we fell right back to the floor
the one they always put us on.

they were the ones who picked us back up
they’re the ones who never left
they’re the ones who always tried for us
but they never found us

so we sit here on these chairs
acting like we talk about hair
but in reality all we can think
- did we really try?

your love is like a sweater
without it i’d be cold and bitter
please stay on me
and keep me warm
like you did that one night
when we sat beneath the moonlight
and you told me you’d be staying
here by me, with all my sad stories
the sad stories you’d keep
reminding me of all the hurt they did
you’d said you’d never leave me
and you, you never did
you always had me guessing
if i would leave you
and up in this misery
this misery that i can’t keep
because it just creates all this heat
that i take out on you
when i had too many drinks
and made a fool
and gave you two black eyes
with my fists because
i thought you knew me better
because you were always my sweater

I am getting frustrated
at the sight of all these sick people
running around and blowing
their nose with nothing but the air
these women behind the desk
they don’t really seem to care
they just nod their head -
forget to take the insurance card
they tell you to sit
patiently
well how am I supposed to wait behind
these people without giving a ****
if I’m late or if I’ll be on time
that’s all I can really think
when I stare at this sick girl
I do care you see
but I work for a company
one that is a corporation and
I truly feel disposable
like the generic paper towels
that won’t absorb anything
I’m just one of many -
not making the company anymore money
while I sit and wait
behind all these sick people
when all I need is five minutes of your time
to stick a needle in my arm to
tell me that I’m not overdosing.

I would like to take you in my arms
make your demons disappear
however, dear, I do fear
I’m the one causing all your
incapacities, and insecurities
I would love to take that tear
and stitch it up
at the seams,
take the bottles that I broke over you
and glue them back together
….nothing would ever look better
than you and I put back together

You’re in my house
and I can’t let you out
every time you’re near the door
I slam it closed
and lock you in your room
I keep you safe
away from everyone
-everyone that’s in there, too.
I keep them away from you.
I keep you safe,
safe and sound
I’ll keep you bound until I’m safe..
safe from this place
you call my mind.
you’re the only thing
that seems to coincide.

We are a species unknown.
We are stuck between,
got lost in transition
from adolescence.

I will sing a melody
one that keeps you warm
I’ll sing a song so good
you’ll forget all the coulda
woulda shoulda beens.

the song will keep you high
you’ll be in the sky
I’ll be following right behind
I forgot what it was like -
this tragically beautiful flight.

you’ll sing back to me
knowing that this will always be
the safest place ;
being she and he
nothing else will ever be

too many parts of me crave you.
every little piece of me.
the neurons jumping back and forth
my brown eyes only seek your blues
my heart wants your hearts torch
my skin would like to touch yours
my fingers caressing you gently
my lips only try to find yours
my toes mingle at the foot of my bed
seeking out your warmth
my head would like to find that crook in your shoulder
my words linger in the air waiting for you to hear
you’re the only one who has me this near

my life goals have changed from time to time.
as a child I wanted to be a bus driver
as I grew to find out more I opted to get into law school
a couple years after that, I settled on being on healthcare
a year into that adventure with failed roommates and failed part time jobs
I came home and became the person
the person who wipes grannys **** when no else will
and sings and dances with the crazies because no one else will
that was my dream and my life for a couple of years
now as an adult
a mid twenties adult
I feel forced to know what I’m doing in this life

as I sit here in a non sterotypical room
I think of why are these people here
they appear normal to me
which means the opposite as well
maybe they’ll avoid their eyes meeting my arm
my arms the one twitching today
with random sensations in my legs
I don’t feel well taking the two pills
their jobs are to put me on hill
& yet here I am still below ground
this whole mess looks like
a two year old drew a circle
there’s no balance here
just no death or fear of death
even if there was
it is gone in one deep breath

its days like these
i wish i was another
another human being
with different struggles
the ones not in their head
affecting the way everything’s read

todays the day i want to be
inside another’s home
inside another head
just anywhere outside
outside of this place

the chaos of my mind
of my head
and of my life
i feel like i try
every single little thing
and every single time
i just end up lingering
somewhere out in space
out of place
even after everything
i’ve ******* tried.

I will always be that girl
the one who took your heart
I took it and tore it apart
and here I am
needing it stitched back together
while im still stapling myself

I made a new friend, you know.
She’s absolutely beautiful.
She is with porcelain skin,
with long dyed red locks.
She says she has been
through a few too many rocks.
She has a heart of gold.
just like slivers of her hair.
Not too many have cared,
even after her soul has bared.
I would like to be there, and
create a new friend here.
She deserves way more
than her past life’s gore.

we were once in heaven
now we’re in straight hell
your voice rings like a bell
deep inside my mind
i want you to be mine

a year ago today
i was in the sky
i was on a flight
trying to say goodbye

it was on my birthday
when i was finding my way
out of this ****** city
into a bright new city

it was on the 7th floor
when i finally became torn
looking out below
trying to decide
if this was the closet
i’d ever feel to home

my body shakes from the cold
that’s normal - at least its what i’m told
my whole body shakes
its like i’m an earthquake
an earthquake inside
waiting to break my mind
its so hard to tell
when i hear the bell
if all of this is truly real

stuck inside these lines
i’m only trying to find
why you won’t be mine

i’d like to be out in the sea
i’d be on a wave
jumping over top
waiting for the crash
avoiding the undertow
i’d doing like i did as a kid
i’d soak up the sun
and play in the sand
just enjoying
the ocean breeze
and the ocean view

i find a peace in these lines
with a black colored pen
whether i’m quoting my favorite band
or writing my thought

I CAN
fight these feelings
control those channels
and organize the walls’ panels
and sing my favorite song

all in between these light blue lines
everything turns fine

every time I hear this song
it makes me fear the long
thay I once had.
that I feel for now.
because this will never be the same
not when I say your name
and not when I hear their names
I want to go back
when things weren’t out of whack
when we lived okay
and things weren’t all messed up
when it was you and i.
and no one else. involved.
when it came to me and you.
I just want it back.

There’s days when my mind
can’t seem to stop
all these racing thoughts
the thoughts of us
the thoughts of my past
any thought that comes to be
it just never seems to stop
even after all everything I do
all these racing thoughts
just never ever seem to stop

And here is this rabbit hole
light easy and free
nothing there’s a daul.
I would like to fall.

deep down taking the fall
everything is so calm
so calm and dark,
like the color of my shirt
nothing here hurts.

I thought we were simple,
and I thought we were capable.
I thought we could work,
but I feel like a ****.
I thought I could be,
that girl you would marry.
Now, here, I don’t even want to be.
I don’t want to be the one
holding your hand
and saying it’s okay.
I’d rather fight my demons
on my own
in my solitude.

I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to help my situation.
I’m trying to help myself.
I’m trying to be the best I can.
I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to find solace in silence.
I’m trying to find a place where it’s ok.
I’m trying to find a place where I’m ok.
I’m not trying to be the victim.

I can’t say I see the future
but I know today is brighter
because I’ve become a fighter

I don’t really wanna be that girl
that girl that was just a hurdle
to get over that ex
that caused nothing but a mess

I would like to be that girl
that you can come home and kiss
and tell her that you did miss

I want to kiss your cheek
and grab your hair
and just in case
I’d like to kiss your lips

most of all,
I’d like to be visible
more than just to you
and more than to your friends
I’d like to be the visible
I was two weeks,
even three weeks ago.

when I was that visible
I could kiss you
and I could cuddle you.
I was allowed to want you,
and i didn’t feel ashamed to see you

I haven’t had to lay it all out.
A few tears gets my thoughts out.
A few good songs,
removes those thoughts
the ones that used to be so easily bought

There’s something about silence
that makes perseverance
more capable than yesterday’s

I’m not sure
but sometimes
I’d rather be zoned,
just to feel like an ice cream cone
cold, down to the bone,
chill to the taste.
Ice cream isn’t a waste.

If I could escape,
I would go to a place -
A place that’s not far,
but a place that is rare.
The place filled with black-eyed susans
and wild orange lillies.
There’s buckets of rain water
and spider plants inside.
Daisies and hostas line the porch
where that green swing hung.

My feet were always too short,
so Dad had to help
keep that swing swaying
while I watched the beautiful blonde.
She had brown eyes and a kind smile.
That woman was my mom.

We kept all the flowers pretty.
All together, my little family,
     We were so happy.

The skies are grey
The curtains blue
bed sheets white
and scrub sets seal
no phone, no tv
no outside for me

i’m in four walls
where it’s actually
the safest place to be

this tides not calming
keep it coming
the waves are rising
keep it coming
the undertows taking
keep it coming
it has me leaving

you are a very handsome man
with a lovely set of eyes
you know exactly when
to touch my thighs

and yet the way you stand
so humble and secure
you’re something, that’s for sure
you’re a very kind man.

any lady would be luck to have
any girl i know would be jealous
of this thing i have for
this thing between us

you’re a lovely person, sir
i sincerely hope you know that
i don’t want to hurt you
& i’ve begun to open up to you

i’m glad i have because you’ve
thrown no red or yellow flags
in fact, you remained calm
& tried the best you can

I hope to keep this going sir, all
these happy thoughts and
perfect dollar cards about
cats and magic hats
& i can’t forget this kit kat.

i have a nice apartment
two beautiful cars, a loving mom
and caring friends
ones that have
bent over more than once, more
than what i ever would have thought
they would just make sure i could
still stand on somewhat solid ground
looking to be found
i’m not really sure
if it’s by me or someone else
but, ****, it seems like hell

standing here alone and looking out
at all these people who care about me
yet i still feel like a burden
sometimes it’d be easier
if they’d shut the curtain
if they’d closed the doors
and let me be the girl outside
still looking for her way

i picked you up and sang this sweet melody
to you here instead of through the telephone
you my girl deserve a smile
that’s so genuine
it will make all the others cringe
with envy at the thought
of you and me ending up
to be the two best friends
either of us could ever have

There’s times when I wish I forgot
everything you said
and everything you did
the times when i end up like this
with other people seeing all the
hurt you did
- just as i was a kid -
Now, I’m 24, i’m in a psych ward
thinking this is all my fault
I should have been powerful enough
to make all these words and thoughts stop
I’m here and I don’t want to be
but there’s nowhere safer from you
      - and your destruction
I guess there’s no better way
to remove all the thoughts of betrayal
I wish you were just washed away
with the dirt on the your porch
but instead i’m still lingering
locked down with this burnt out torch.

these racing thoughts
always interrupt
when i am calmed down
from the last up
it’s really hard you know
to decipher when
i’m ok to be alone
& when i need to be in an isolated zone

the real world scares me
because i can’t really be me
not a whole lot of people have to deal, you see
there was that chance i had
to stay gone forever
i guess i was too weak
to pull THAT lever

it worked in the end, ya know
one phone call
and a few missed ones
i was able to see the strength in me

now’s not any different
i just have to **** it up
and ask for assistance
not only from my mom
but from everyone i know
in some way as long as i am
able to return the favor someway

i’m not alone in this
i just have to remember that
there is a list i have
and people i can count on
my life isn’t a con
just a bare miss
i only need to remember
I Am Not Alone In This