You made it hard to miss you.
And I mean that, you've burried your way into my soul and rotted it from the inside.
You drove me into my endless packs of cigarettes and the countless bottles of tequila.
And with every late night in a different bed, I would drink until I couldn't walk.
I'd guzzle the Jack Daniels.
I'd push the Bacardi down my throat.
I'd infuse the ***** with my brain.
I'd drip the Jose Cuervo into my veins.
Anything, just to feel that warmth in my cheeks again, because you took it all away.
You took my innocence, and I'm not the kind of girl who was all that innocent in the first place,
But I gave you every inch of my body and you threw me aside like trash.
Begging me to **** like I was a ******* that just clocked out of work.
I know with all my heart I hate you.
But why did you give me enough good times
To where I'd miss you?

I am words written on blank paper,
The words are there but no-one can see them until they are spoken.
The girl in the back of the classroom, unnoticed
Until she can open her mouth wide enough to sing with the chorus.

I am the one they call afraid
When Destiny knocks at my door
I can't find the words to even begin to say
I'm just not yet ready
But once I am, my God, I'm unstopable.

How were you able
To convince yourself
You're so good
When you were the monster
In all of my nightmares

Nothing can be as deep
As a talk over a cigarette
And cup of coffee.

Have you ever seen them getting along without you and you just break a little?
Once they told you that they'd die without you and you believed them.
Being so manipulated into love, you believed them.
But there's that same part of you that always knew it would happen like this.
You were blind and you let **** slide when you should have held them accountable and left long ago.
Yet you stayed and waited.
You waited for them to realize they were hurting you.
Waiting to prove that your love was enough for them to realize.
Waiting.
And waiting.
But you've become so obsessed with the thought of someone just holding you in their arms like you mean the world
You forgot what being truely loved, felt like.
Honey, even after you found the strength to say it was over there's still that part of you that's still waiting for them.
And that's why when you see them smile in a photograph it hurts so much.
Because your waiting for them to beg at your feet for your forgiveness.
Because they became a part of who you were.
So you're still waiting.
You've moved on but a part of you is still waiting.
Preying on the fact that you were "the one" for them.

*******, you're delusinal.

Once a glass is broken
It won't hold water the same.
And a heart doesn't hold love the same
Once it's been ripped to shreds.

The raindrops on my windowpane
Were the tears I used to cry for you.

The raindrops on the sidewalk
Fell as violently as our romance did.

The raindrops on your face
Masked the tears falling from your eyes.

The thunderclaps disguised my screams.

The lightning illuminated my way
Out of the darkness you put over me.

Eventually, I'll be able to process what happened to us.
But until that time comes I'll keep crying.
And I'll keep coping.
And I'll keep screaming.
And wishing you never touched me.

Because you were the worst rainstorm I could have imagined.
Why you chose me to destroy, I don't know.
I guess,
Like during Katrina
My walls weren't enough to keep the water away.

And now I'm stuck with the damages.
Because you were the human version of Katrina
And I was New Orleans

Cry a river and
No-one will ever bother
To swim in its depth.

Do you even know how hard it was for me?
To put away the liquor and pipes
For the love of Christ I can't even begin to tell you how awful it was before you.
I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I stumbled home.
How many mornings I woke up asking what happened the night before.
How many nights my roommate asked how ****** up I was as I laughed and told her how badly I wanted cookies.

Now I'm not saying **** ****** me up that bad
But I may have taken the things that numb me a little too far:
Drinking till I can't remember,
Smoking until my frowns are smiles,
Puffing on cigarettes until I cough up a lung.
What doesn't **** me makes me stronger, right?

I couldn't continue my preaching higher than cloud nine or drunker than a man with nothing left to lose.
But for some unknown reason you gave me the courage to quit the liquor.
And Im glad you stopped me, otherwise the next year was gonna be brutal because AA is for quitters and momma never raised a quitter.

I may not have alcohol.
I may not have Mary Jane
But I do have you.
So you wanna go smoke a joe?

I've always wondered what it would be like
To go to sleep without the heavy weight of unwritten words on my tongue

I've always been the girl to love
Someone whose heart beats counter-clockwise
Someone always living an hour behind or ahead
Never along for the ride
Just there to see it end.

She had never felt closer to numbness
Than when that razor was against her skin
She had never felt closer to happiness
Than when she was by his side
Once he took her razors away
She had to find something else to lean on
He whispered "pick me, I'll never let you fall"
She hesitated
But then she fell in love

Euphoria
Her definition was once "a state of intense happiness"
Now,
Her definition is "crying until God decides to numb your pain"

She never quite understood why someone would lie to the one they loved
And when he lied to her over and over again
She never trusted anyone's word
In telling her lie after lie
She was never satisfied until he cried for her
Because she convinced herself he lied until he cried.
That's when she found out that he cried because he knew he was lying
And he didn't want to
But he could never help himself
So he did it
Until it broke her heart in two

She never was the same
After they took her liquer away

I always let the alcohol settle in my liver,
Before I let my guard down.
That way if drunk me does something horrible,
I don't have to remember it in the morning.

Women are like broken glass.
If you squeeze our necks,
Chances are we either break more
Or sleep with your best friend.

And that moment I understood all
From my troubled past to my ultimate fall
I understood what had to be done
To save this little girl from a loaded gun

Never did I think I'd be the girl for you.
From my odd blonde curls to the wiggle of my nose,
Never did I believe I could be loved so deeply.
And from your beautiful green eyes and deep brown hair
I love you even more when you just stare
At me so deeply I can feel you looking into my soul
I can't keep things from you,
When you look I cant control
My lips from smiling or my heart from singing
My dear I'll love you
Until I take my final breath

If you ever decide its time to leave me alone
Please take my hearts pieces when you go
Ill bury myself in brimstone and fire
Hopeing one day you'll return my desire.

There was once a time when I'd be the one to jump to rescues,
But after noone jumped to mine I finally learned my place.

I once had a small purple vase.
It was almost a year old.
But I remembered how my ex and I blundered
And all of his things had to go.

I gave away his sweatshirt
His shorts and shirts got burned
And the teddy bear he gave me
Was torn apart by the people who mean most to me.

He gave me a purple vase.
It was wrapped pretty in a bow
Once it had living flowers
But now I had to let it go

I went outside with my true family
And recorded my final blow
Of shattering the vase
On the ground below

I felt the ricochet
Of a piece run astray
And my baby exclamed to me
That I cut myself indeed

And thats when I realized
How my last relationship was really through
Because if I cut my head with the other one
He wouldn't have held my hand to help me
He would have let me do it on my own
And not even checked on me
I know this for sure
Because it happened once before

I feel free now for sure
That all his things are out my home
And once I see my baby's things replace them
It becomes the final bow

For once I see no remnance of him
I think I'll truely feel clean
Once my forehead heals
And memories repress
I'll finally be able
To fully put him to rest

Freedom* is something we don’t have anymore
Because within our own bodies,
We have become *slaves

Once an angel, forever a demon.

As he kissed my lips and felt my thighs
I watched in the mirror as my soul slowly died

We're all addicted to something,
That takes the pain away.
I'm addicted to cigarettes,
And dancing in the rain.
The cigarette will numb my brain,
And the rain will numb my blood.
So when I cut my skin wide open,
I don't feel a single one.

If flowers can grow back even after they've been stepped on,
I can get better, even after you.
If flowers can grow back even after a monsoon,
I can get along without you.
If flowers can grow back even after poison,
I can remove your toxins.
If flowers can grow back even after weeds take over,
I can remove you and make myself better.
I am a flower.
You were a ****.
He is my gardener.
And now I am green.

You tattoo'd your thoughts onto your skin for me.
It never took much for you to give in.
For every question I asked of you, you gave me an answer.

From how your heart broke to how it was mended
From your one-night stands to your forever departed
You let me see all of you, from the second we said "I love you"

My thoughts are locked behind a fortified cement wall.
But someway, somehow, all you have to do is ask.
My heart has never been so fragile
Nor has it been so protected.

This is for you, baby.
You're my ride or die.
My 0 to 100.
You're the only one I trust enough
To read every one of my tattoo'd thoughts.

He checked my wrists and thighs
He checked my stomach and my sides
He checked and said "Let me see if you've been cutting again"

He gave no warning.
No sign that he was going to do this in the last hour that I faced him.
He looked me up and down, eyes more serious than I've ever seen
I couldn't help but feel embarrassed that I let him down once before
I was embarrassed I relapsed and he was there to see me unravel.

"I've been good"
"I've been good"
"I've been good"
I felt like a child, repeating the sentence over and over
Our friends continuously asking what I meant and he simply says
"It's nothing."
But in his eyes I could see
To him it meant everything

So he checked
He checked my wrists and thighs
He checked my stomach and my sides
He hugged me tight and whispered softly
*"Please stay good, I love you to much to lose you like that."

Those who don't use chasers with *****
Have learned the sting of putrid love

When I die, I ask of you to not burn me.
I ask you find me a plot of land to lay my head
For I have found love in the light of the sun.

When I die, I ask my funeral be an outdoors affair.
Sit me in my open casket and think of me fondly.
Do not cry, for you will disgrace me.

When I die, I ask the doors and windows of my home be opened for my soul to sore,
For I'm sure i was happy there, and there my spirit shall dwell

When I die, cover all the mirrors of my abode with fabrics,
So that my soul will find its way to the skies instead of being trapped behind glass.

I ask you all be merry and rejoice
For I know not where I shall be,
But my nomadic soul will be forever happy
When I no longer plagued by my hatred and insanity

When I die, i ask you still love me.

Once
You spoke of our souls living out their days in the garden of Eden.
Yet you were the one who bit into the forbidden fruit
Condeming me as you have been,
Being tempted by the devil you have killed me
Taking that discarded bone that was my life and driving it though my pale and aguished heart.

Have I confused you with my bible references?
Let me clear it up for you

You were my everything and yet you harmed me
I forgave you because I loved you and therefore made excuses for you
But once my excuses started falling upon the deaf and dead
I felt it right to leave your chambers for more than just one night

I heard the words of a spoken word poet and fell in love
And the more I wrote like she, the more I realized what you did to me

I realized that your words were cold and your fists were hard
The grabbing of my side was a mear warning I did not listen to.
Unintentionally, I was right in saying you would be the death of me,
But I certainly said it in the wrong context.

You were my abuser.
You gave me chocolates and flowers and teddy bears to keep me happy and smiling
To keep me unaware of your manipulation and beatings of words to my skull

You may not have hit me,
But You might as well have
Because emotional and verbal violence, is abuse as well

Now let's contemplate.
Almost two years I put up with you but it was maybe a year that you had acted strangely.

Yet I stayed
Because of you put a frog into boiling water it will jump out
Yet if you put a frog in warm water and slowly turn up the heat,
It will stay until it dies.

That was our. And every other abusive relationship darling.
You were kind and caring and loved me much
I trusted you and that was my end
For I'm sure if I stayed like I wanted to,
Id be the frog in boiling water

But I'm not,
I'm a survivor
I'm a free woman
I'll always remember you, trust me I will
I'll remember a monster and then my friend
Because your last words to me left lasting impressions
"You were wrong to leave me"
No, darling
I was wrong in not leaving sooner.

Once you leave you may never return
For my heart has learned your scorn
And she wishes not to gaze upon your face
She does not wish you well or harm
But she will enlist you to her list of worn
Those who have belittled her and sought her anger
She is not the same as you found her.

Why would I look up into the sky
To see fireworks tonight?
Baby all I have to do is stare into your eyes
To see my whole world shine
Against the pale moon and the sparks of colored light
I fell in love with you even more this night

While I am sad we  turned out this way
I'm not sad to see you with another girl anymore
I don't worry you're thinking of me
I worry you're not happy
Because even though you pushed me around and made me out to be the bad guy
At one point I loved you
Therefore even though you treated me wrong I wanted you at the time
Therefore I will always want you to be happy
I don't want you with me
I want you with someone who will make you better.
I want you with someone who will call you on your behavior where I did not
I want you with someone who will make you hate yourself when you yell at her like you yelled at me
I want you with someone who is good for you
Like he is good for me

Maybe one day, we'll look up at the sky,
And we'll think about how, once, we weren't in love,
And we'll say we wasted our time,
On people who weren't pure enough,
To love our true forms.

Look at the stars,
Do you see how they shine?
Darling, they'd shine even brighter,
If only you were mine.

When words fail me, turn me towards the skies.
Teach me to shine like the stars in the night
Maybe someday soon I'll bid you adue
Until such a time I'll rattle your cages and spit on your muse
I'll kick and scream and fight for eternity
Until such a time that I ponder your immunity.
Against an unholy guard and a trusted advisor
My love will be poisoned like the black nights armor.

If souls were like weeds, mine would grow with yours
Theyd soar past the others like a plane taking off
Because that's how our love is.
Baby, I've never fallen so completely.
And not nearly this fast
But I can surely say
This is a love that will last

I was awake swaying to the sounds
Of a sadness that I have always known
And as I sat there in stabbing silence
I could have swore I heard the creak
Of the floorboards screaming under a weight
As those approach me with sudden movements
I steadily drift off to my eternal sleep

We're going on an adventure,
A wonder we may find.
For in this corner we may see,
Another heart like mine.
Her deeply troubled anguish
Scares me to the core.
For I can see how she is insecure.
I know what she searches for,
Deep within my soul.
She's a scared little angel,
One that's rare indeed.
But it seems no one can find her,
Or even looks, you see.

Lost souls never make it home
They simply wonder for eternity

There's this boy
Who I never knew his name
I used to be a ***** to him but,
He'd just laugh it all away

There's this boy
And he came with my friend to my home one day
He made me laugh,
Made me want him to stay

There's this boy
And we did intimate things
He said he felt a connection
My heart was in his strings

There's this boy
And one day
He said he needed me
That's when I said I'd stay

There's this boy
And he's pretty cute, you see
He's got a fighters heart
And eyes as soft as seas.

There's this boy
I never knew his name
But now I do
And I hope he stays.

Years from now I'll go back to this time
Where I went to a funeral and touched the hands of a dead man
And I'll remember the voice of the man who passed
And I'll remember how the cold of his hand stained my mind with thoughts of distress
I'll remember how he used to be
And I'll remember my final memory
Of a wax-looking figure colder than ice.

Maybe I shouldn't have reached out with my heart in my hand
In hope that my warmth would bring him back
Maybe then I wouldn't have hurt so much
When I touched a dead man's hand

We thought he'd never see sunrise,
Now sunrise is all he sees.
Up in heaven with our other passed loved ones,
He's smiling cheek to cheek.

With the angels singing hymns,
And he glancing down,
I'm sure he wants to say:
*"It's alright, I'm okay now."

When will I see, you
Only ever talk to me
When you are lonely?

I can't begin to tell you how many times before closing my eyes
That I have asked the darkness
"WHY HAS MY HEART NOT STOPPED BEATING?"
The truth is that I have become a beacon for some, and a mother to most
Though I want nothing more than to slit my own throat

I can't say I want to die
But I can't say I want to live either

As I lay in a room with no windows
I have to contemplate the meanings of my own writings
Why do I throw my emotions here, to live in a heap?
A girl who cried wolf would be better to compete

In a world so lost
I can never be found
I guess my only option left
Is to be put
In the ground.

Cute
Pretty
Beautiful
****
While most women love hearing these words from the lips of their lovers for the evening,
I don't.
They aren't simple complements, they're ways to make me vulnerable.

Now I just sound like a white girl with issues, yeah I know.
But the truth is that everyone who has told me those words as only wanted what's between my legs.
And half the time, when they got it, they left.

I'm tired of men seeing me at 8am with no makeup or heels
Looking at me as if I had lied to them
Because I'm obviously looking for love* in the wrong places

One night stands don't make hoes into housewives
But they will certainly turn housewives into hoes.

Once upon a time, you called me beautiful
You called me your everything
called me the one.
but now, after all we've been through, what do you call me?
Idiot? *****? ****?

Go on, say it then.
Tell me what's on your mind for I can't see it.
you won't let me see it anymore.
and yet you blame me, but my dear I was handing you back your heart and you slapped it from my hand
Then you say I never loved you
but your wrong.
I did love you, once

I loved you when you were my protector
when all I needed was to speak your name because I was a frail child who didn't know how to run away or disappear completely
  I love you when you were kind
when you stood behind me with your hands on my waist laughing with your friends.

I didn't love you when you yelled at me over frivolous subjects.
I didn't love you when you were so paranoid I would leave you that I couldn't let my phone for for fear of you being angry.

now that we're said and done I can see how you affected me
because I don't journal like normal girls
I journal within my poetry.
and without you by my side I can see what kind of poet I truly am

Im a heartbreak poet.
im a crisis poet
Buut most of all
I'm a happenstance poet.

I take what I see and barely twist it for my creations.
and after all we've been through

After nine years of being there for me and not receiving credit
see why you were my protector.
because if you weren't there to teach me these things
never would have become the poet I am.

I never thought I'd see the day
When words fail me and I walked away
But the clouds have parted and the moss has dried
And I can still remember
*Once, you were mine.