I always write every thoughts and every words that would come up in my head on any of my blank pages.

But this time, I stopped writing my thoughts and had not touched my blank pages anymore.

Because, I’m afraid I’ll write about you again.

slather my lips more with your salivated
ecstasy.
pry my mouth open
and speak to me in french—kiss and make me
remember that these illusions are safe. perhaps
alter my two realities,
tell me that i am real—you are real. this trip has no
end, i know. but i've never been loved like this.

      i would end it if it means i'd get to live again,
      but then i'll leave you here
      —all alone with no one to hold.

I wish I wasn't dull,
Without flavor.
I wish I had more hunger to live, to persue the call in my soul.
I wish I had more to give,
More dept to the way i love others,
A selfless mindset,
A less broken heart.
I wish I wasn't this messed up.
I wish...

There are days when being alive feels so good.
For a while it was what I looked forward to.
Every time I had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, I would tell myself that one day I’m going to wake up and love life again.
I’m afraid it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.
Living for other people is exhausting.
Why would I stay alive to let other people love me
When I can’t even love myself?

I've noticed a pattern with you.

You seem to care for me,
but hate buying me the
medication I need

You roll your eyes
or shout at me for
finishing them
like they are candy,
addicting

Maybe pick a side
Please, it's getting really confusing

Two nights ago

You asked me to take
every two days
to 'get me used to it'

I told you that I
might need them
You disagreed

If they were cancer meds,
you wouldn't be encouraging
or rather
forcing me to do this

So I've decided to stop swallowing
so that you won't ever need to buy
me anything

A fleeting glance as they pass each other on the street

At that moment, it began to rain

As the sky cried for the star crossed lovers

And for some reason, tears ***** their eyes too, like deep down they knew that they missed a lifetime in a single gaze

I weep silently
As I grip the recyclable material
Apologising profusely

I am sorry

I know you
Do not wish
To spend more money

I am sorry

I really try
Another episode surfacing
I just can't, without a doctor

I am sorry

You try and
Find excuses to
Revoke the dosage

I am sorry

I really am, sorry that is
I didn't ask to be this way
I didn't hand-pick you
I really am sorry