Yesterday I had to choose
between taking a one way trip to the unknown
In this place
I chose to stay.
The familiarity of the misery
seems much more comforting
than the promised peace of the unknown.
It’s one of those trips that I’ve been wanting to take but I’ve been putting off like Fjaerland, Norway. The only difference between Fjaerland and this trip of the unknown is that this trip only has a one way ticket. Once I decide to board this plane there is not turning back.
My parent crash-landed on the bed
and I was born in wreckage of the burnt plane
with missing windows and broken bones
with dead people and ghost-homes.
don't ask me
why my skin looks like coal
or why my anger is a match in gasoline
why I have hands made of scissors
and body wrapped in razor wires.
I know shes just a friend
But why does this heart
Whenever you look at her
It was never the same as how you looked at me
sad poems look a little like you.
I am not asking for support
or anything much more
but why is that doing what I want
and going to where my hearts want to go
People have always something to say
like a harsh reminder
that own happiness is luxurious
and impossible to attain?
Own happiness at the least priority.
In the red light of desolation,
when loneliness seems less lonely;
in my crater of existence,
in my loud mind, a resonance
of lyrical thoughts,
are inking my world
with fading blots...
how the overwhelming sadness and the sound of desolation leaks out into the real world in the form of prose and poetry,
the fading blots of our lyrical thoughts
I am a black girl with locs
I wear head wraps and put on African prints
I do not speak with an African accent
or religiously follow the traditions.
For that I am not African enough.
One says he loves me
One looks at me enough to burn holes into me
One comes looking for me only to act like he doesn't know me
One winks and seeks attention when I'm done giving it
One.... one said He can never like me
That one I think I like most
For that I'm foolish.
I am a small girl
I however seek to loose weight more
than people way fatter than me
They all say my size is okay but they are not
my brain and thus don't get to feel fat the way I do
For that they say I'm ungrateful.
I appreciate black men
I just prefer white men
I try not to date black men long time
For that I am racist to them.
I speak to my parents but don't go out
of my way to spend time with them
Past hurt and experiences and avoidance
of future heated discussions leads me
For that I am ungrateful.
I sit in my house and cry.
I cry at worship and feel less and lost most of the time
I take smiley pictures and eat a lot of ice cream
For that I am happy.
I love eating at restaurants and cafes
I love ice cream , cake and wine
I don't like food and rarely eat
I take pictures of my food and ice cream a lot
For that I am a show off
All assumptions, all untrue, all your thoughts
Ask me my name and hold me when I feel I'm falling apart
Love me on days I cant love myself
Ask me about me first.
Then think truths about me.
the girl behind the assumptions.......
I am sitting in the sun
Wind brushing off
Pure tears of suffer
My mind goes numb
Dropping on the tiles
Just like the spring rain
It calms me down
It's going to be okay
Numbness slowly goes away
The sweet melody in my brain
Makes the world pitch black
In a rather delightful way
Hello love ,long time no see
A promise to never leave ?
Well now we will be together
Cause eternity is forever.
Waiting for your opinions or suggestions ,cause they are valuable to me ,because that's the only way for me to know my mistakes and get better at writing poems.
is it okay to die?
is it okay to just die?
is it okay that i found peace in being trapped?
i just wanna lay 6 feet under the ground,
unable to move,
unable to breathe.
is it okay if i wanna escape?
is it okay if i slit my wrist?
is it okay if i hang myself?
is it okay if i swallow pills?
is it okay if i do what i wanna do?
no, it is not okay.
no, it is not acceptable.
no, i shouldn't do that.
but, i want to.
and i'm only strings away from doing it.
now, let me ask you again,
is it okay to die?
yes, it is.
i just wanna give up my life.
I don't know how.
God! I didn't even try
But somewhere along the way,
I fell out of love with you.
12. December. 2018.