it's going around and around in my head
and it won't stop
i am so exhausted by all these words
i am so sick of writing, my one true love
i want okay things
i want calmer words filled with more serenity
forget this overreacting bitter agony
i want beautiful poetry
my pain is making it impossible
i am so tired of just whining
why can't i....?

so it has been one year now
of me adoring you from afar
you unaware, and me stealing quick glances
when you were not looking
(this isn't really going to sound poetic
i just had to get out of my chest)
i saw the other day, you were with her
officially, now, right?
because you had to put it on the internet
(which, by the way, is ruining lives)
and i saw,
she was the complete opposite of me
and so much better
so much prettier
so much more successful
and it seemed to me
i was shrinking
fading into the background, as always
as someone who adores you
but cannot speak
and only ever yearns, to know you
but you have her
and she is flawless, i see
i see why
you would choose her
and perhaps my silence is my downfall
but you are so
inexplicably
perfection
i cannot speak, i remain mute
i just can't help but wish
you were coming here to see me
not she
she
i am always ever remaining
nothing

because i am locked away
writing stupid poetry
which no eyes will read

i enjoy being a loner
when i need my silence
but not when i am walking in the streets
snow crunching beneath my feet
and look around, see an empty town
void of any faces, a lack of any hello
that i begin to realize
i don't always enjoy being alone
sometimes i yearn for a hand to hold
i enjoy being a loner
i don't want to die a loner

violet violence
i find it sort of sad
that this was all we ever had
even now, after the fall
you are still violent in my thoughts

i don't know what you want me to say
it is rain in my head and sorrow in my veins
and if all you can do is to look away,
i understand, i have grown accustomed to it being this way

half drunken slurs
blurred, messy words
this isn't love
this isn't love
pin me down
with your unsettling thoughts
this isn't love
this isn't love...

i talked to my Depression tonight
i begged it
to go away
it snickered, and said,
"but i am not done yet,
i need to stay"
and returned back
*******, i hit my head
go away...
go away

i see two sides of me
i know at this point
i am truly going crazy

failing
              and
                        falling
falli­ng
              into
                       failing
where the ****
                                   am i *going?

tell me again how this all makes sense
tell me again why there is blood on your hands
tell me again how love justifies suffocation
tell me again when enough is enough

you make me forget that i have a face, you make me believe that my image in the mirror is deceiving me, yeah you make me believe that i am beyond this scarred skin and i am my bones and my skeleton and my untouchable mind, you love something that you cannot ever touch and is just an idea of existence, you make me feel a feeling or a word that cannot possibly exist where "love" is not good enough, because i am beyond anything of this universe, you make me forget that i have a face, you make me forget that i am sometimes ugly, you make me forget yet make me realize that i am mere human, and it is all okay and it is all oh just so fine and that there is no reason to cry, and that me being here might maybe have some worth in its own time, that i can't find, but you make me feel reassured without a certain doubt that i will always be your time
youknowwhoyouareyouaretheonlyonewhocanreadmymind

when we were real and we were getting better
and we weren't fighting and shouting profanities
and it kind of always felt so false because i guess we were so used to the bad stuff
and everyone around us kept doubting all of the good stuff
and it shouldn't matter and it didn't but it would have been easier had other people had hope too
and i just guess i hope this time we
are real again
like two years ago in the snow
in the dark December night
way back when but hey,
we can be that again

when i came back home, home was no longer home
i was older and things had changed
me doing different things by the day
and everything felt familiar but strange
i was home but it was new
and i was alone when i have felt comfort being home
home did not change, i did
and all i wanted
was to go back
to 18 year old me
in her home surrounded by peace

you spilled ink onto my heart
oh you left such a terrible mess
the more i try to expel it with each word i write,
the messier it seems to become
i cannot wash you away
you've stained my blood black
i am trying to find the red
so that i can live again
it seems hopeless, your imprint on me,
the permanent ink
as if your hand print lays over my heart
and deep into my soul
claimed me as your own

it's that little smile you have
when you push your hair
away from your face
as if you're trying to remain brave
and we don't have to go back inside
we can stay out here all night
until the stars say goodbye
and the black fades into light
as you're closing your tired eyes
i'll carry you back inside
keep you warm as we sleep away the day
but you look so at peace as you sleep
can i just watch you instead?
try to see your brave little smile again

sick of feeling low
sick of not being good enough
sick of bleeding
sick of writing about this

no one was here and i become so lost and unsure of where to go
i danced with death because it promised me it was here
i held out my arms and let show the scars, i said, see, i have been waiting for so long
and death embraced me so tightly and promised to never let go
and its words were the only thing i could trust
so i said okay and i gave in
you've always been here, but i was just scared
yet now your arms are the last and only ones i desire
i said, i'm not loved
i said, i'm not needed
i said, i'm not wanted
i said, thank you for wanting me
i said
we both finally got what we wanted, in this long rollercoaster of a finale

i am the silhouette you see but do not get too near
the shadow lingering in the back with hearing ears
the sliver of moonlight you use to guide you home
when you reach your doorstep you offer not one glance back
i am the quiet radiant that goes unnoticed
the profound silence you ward away
all of the words you wish that you could say

It gets harder and harder by the day
To learn how to forget your name
And see that face and train myself
That I never trusted my secrets with it
Much less ever kissed it
Brown eyes and brown hair
Aren't the same on anyone else now
Yours were always my favorite, and still
It's like you possess all of the color
And everyone else is bland and gray
And I don't understand how you don't care
That someone sees you as this surreal creature here
I'd give an arm and leg to receive a glance
Feel like I'm worth looking at

another fail
i am not holding my breath
so please do not bother
bringing me down gently
i am already not breathing

do you wanna lose our heads tonight?
we can regret it in the morning
but that's the morning and this is right now
and it is dark and beautiful and you're smiling
and all i would rather do right now is put my hand on your knee and finish these drinks
yeah we can slip under the covers and be consumed by the warmth
and if it is okay can i hold your hand until the sun comes up?
can i brush up against your skin so mine isn't alone for once?
can i pretend for just tonight your body is mine and mine yours?
let's lose our heads tonight
you and i

draped all in black
you look as if Death asked you to marry it
you're walking to your own funeral
you know what will happen if you say I do to Death

i am endlessly tired
of seeing all these successful people
and i am endlessly tired
of creating catastrophes
when it is never intentional
but calling them mistakes
starts to sound like excuses
no it really isn't
and even my passions are useless
and i'm no good at those either
when i kind of want to share it with the world
and become one of those successful people
but i suppose i need to accept
i'll always be in the unnoticed dark
efforts are futile
people see success
not efforts
people see useless failures
not struggling survivors

normal girls don't cry over songs and normal girls don't get in trouble with the law
lovable girls don't always wear a frown upon their face and lovable girls don't make their skin sometimes bleed
normal girls don't hardly ever speak and normal girls don't whittle away in self-deprecating poetry
lovable girls don't ***** their mouth with poison sticks and lovable girls don't die every day because you forgot to tell her that you love her today

i want to peel
my skin from my face
because i feel unsafe
living in such this way
and therein contained
is such overwhelming ugliness
i don't want you to see me
in this skin
i want pure and unblemished
a sight which you can cherish

you like what you see
but you don't like what you hear
i am afraid, my dear
that my head is too heavy
for anyone to want to bear
i'll hold your hand as you go
i am sorry for the things
i let you know

i want your head space
in my bed space
i want your warmth
against these cold pillows
fingers intertwined against sheets
passing moments
buried in sleep

but i still know all of your favorite bands
i still know which songs make your chest hurt
i still know everything that makes you sad and what you want to do to destroy it
i know how strong you can be because you showed me
i know how strong you are because you were strong for me
and now i am supposed to be strong on my own
standing on my own two feet, when there used to be four
and i still know the places you go, the people you turn to when you feel alone
when i used to be such a person and now in your eyes i barely exist
like a stranger you gave all your secrets to and vulnerabilities
like a stranger who still knows you today
like a stranger who does not breathe today
like a temporary lover that once held you as a crutch, and me for you
like a stranger who isn't a stranger, but who you want me to be
you are no stranger to me

i'm waiting
and looking
at a blank page
with words
i wish you would say

watching
cigarettes burn
as slowly and quietly
as we did
yet surely, permanently
i cannot feel the smoke in my lungs anymore

I committed
You saw
You fell apart
You couldn't find a note
I committed
You learned at last
Of my emptiness
Leaving nothing in this world
I never wanted to exist anyway
I committed tonight
You had to fight the urge
To follow my path yourself
I am selfish
They say they say
I say they are oblivious
Have you ever lived life
Day by day
Feeling like you never belonged
In our world
Or anywhere and nowhere
Nowhere and no one
I committed tonight
I don't want to be
Your cold dead ghost

this is a chronologically written story of pain
that no one wants to read
i don't even know why i write it
i suppose because no one wants to hear me speak

because i see you
and when i see you, i see you
and when i see you i die deep inside
i don't know what you are
i don't know what this is

it still hurts
it's still a gaping hole
most of the time
especially at night
when you're no longer mine to hold

but why when you are a ghost
does no one seem to know?
much less notice, offer a glance
when all you crave
is one word
that you still exist
because lost inside of yourself
it's difficult to see that there is any worth

we connected stars into constellations because we were that beautiful together
but as it is with all constellations
the stars broke apart and each went their own ways
the constellation feeling as a mere dream
and now we just look for other stars to feel complete