It hurts to remember
That I am alone
My hand reaches to feel your touch
But I’m met with nothing
Emptiness replaced you
Despite you never being here
Your eyes remind me you’re not mine
Nor will you ever be

Your heart may be hidden
But I hope one day I’ll find it
Your mind may be muffled
But I believe one day I’ll clear it
Your soul may be lost
But I dream one day
You and I
Can search for ours together
For I am lost too
I wish to find myself

And maybe
Just maybe
I wish our souls could intertwine
If only you could learn
To love me
As much as I love you

Every lull of life,
I find myself alone
in the quiet moments
When rain patters on the window,
streaming down the patterned glass
pounding on the roof above
Im now so very small
The in-betweens of nothingness
there’s no one else but me
I learn to be my own best friend,
lonely in good company
Myself was once my enemy
but how hurtful that became
I used to loath the quiet moments,
when my thoughts had space to speak
Now I learn to listen
I might have something good to say to me

Cruelty echoes in my mind, cruelty that is my own burden to bear. I feel it ripple through my body, up and down and up again. My chest aches as it strokes my beating heart, my shoulders shake as it brushes gently against my bones. I hear the same thoughts I've recited a million times, thoughts telling me the truth I wish I could run from. But it envelops me entirely, like a sea surrounding my sinking body. What word is there that can even begin to interpret this feeling? Lost, uncertain, afraid, helpless, hopeless, alone. For it is all of these things, and more. Broken, ashamed, anxious, spiteful, empty. So so empty. Is anybody here? I see shadows but I can't tell if it's all in my head. I dare not waste my strength and swim to them, afraid of drowning if I do. What if there's no one there to save me? Even worse, what if they are there and choose not to save me at all? Each time I try to swim to a figure in the distance, I become no closer to them than I was before. Are they swimming away? Or am I simply delusional? I'd rather close my eyes and drift to sleep, at least that way I wouldn't have to disappoint myself again and again and again. Is this what it feels like to be weak? If so I never want to try again. Is this what it feels like to be abandoned? If so, I never want to trust or love again. Is this what it feels like to lose hope? I never want to hope again. It's all too exhausting and I wish I could just be okay. But even that seems too much to even dream of.

I hear the beating of my heart
Like the beating of a drum
And the pounding in my head
Like the pounding of my steps
Mundane rhythms in my body
Reminding me I’m alive, still breathing
I hear the ringing in my ears
Like a song going static on the radio
I hear the beating of a heart
Like the beating of a drum
It’s the first sound that greets me in the morning
It’s the last sound that lulls me to sleep at night
The beating of my heart like the beating of a drum
Reminding me I’m alive, still breathing
One day I wish to forget
One day I wish my body could go still
One day I wish my mind could go quiet
But for now I pound my head so it synchs up with my footsteps
And I beat my drum, along to the beating of my heart
Body’s grown numb to the rhythm
Until the moment my hands go cold
And the drumming slows down
And I never again have to hear that awful sound of the beating of my heart
Like the beating of a drum

I wanted to be saved
                   I craved
              a connection,
            a love I could trust
Blinded by obsession
      twisted to tension
Was love meant to be lust?

Begging you to stay
             was a chase
             with trip wires
How a match that's burnt out
             can't start fires
fingerprints singed from the tries
does numbness inspire?

Smoke was a haze
that surrounds you
Consumed in the fumes
        It allures you
If you don't look down
                   the ground, betrays you
                      Love was a maze

A rainy day
left me ashes
the wind icy, circling past us
        I was wrong all my life
             On love and on loss
              I never knew loss until I met you
        Losing means nothing without love
    And our love meant nothing without loss

Love is a street lined with oak trees
Branches like hands holding leaves
               Cradling flowers in spring
Love is a street,
       it goes two ways
              Stretches horizon to horizon
                       Travels East to West
                         and sunrise to sunset

How can I let go of a piece of me
How can I move on from something I’ll miss

Even though the butterflies have withered away
Even though their wings fluttered so hard they crumbled
Dead and decayed
Hollow shells of the love they used to hold
Never to fly again

You’re the only thing left in my heart
And I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive
Without you

Your eyes... I promise, they're the key to my soul. They resemble the sky. A cloudy mist of blue and grey. Twisting and twirling, swallowing my gaze.

Your eyes were my reason to live.

Your eyes were my reason to keep my own eyes from closing forever.

Your eyes willed me to hold on. Until I truly wanted to stay.

Your eyes guided me through my life.

Your eyes were full of beauty, glory, love. They were full of a wonderful sky. One that I got lost in. Forever. And even after those eyes closed for the last time, I was still trapped. Caught in that broken sky.

It’s strange
That even surrounded by the
Laughs and smiles of everyone you love
You can still feel terribly
Sad
And numb
For no apparent reason

Memories I’ve rejected
Leave holes nothing else could fill
Laughter echoing
While I shut myself away
Preferring to be alone
Little moments slip from my grasp
I used to cling as they fell from my hands
Now I let the water run
I watch the train go by
without chasing
I still feel left behind, I think I always will
But I don’t want to climb a mountain
or jump in a raging river
I don’t want to go numb for the thrill
Yet there’s still a strange numbness
from being alone.
Sinking in the silence,
I can let it consume me
Silence is more comforting lately
than the memories I’ve rejected

Am I in love with you
Or am I in love with the idea of you
The thought that we’ll live our life together
Forever
Day by day with just each other
Growing up
And growing old
With only each other to hold
Creating a family
A home
A life
My heart yearns for such a life
But I’ve fallen in love
With the idea of you
Of you and I
And I’m not even sure if I know you
Anymore

If I lie to myself,
Perhaps everyone else will believe it
Too

Society is finally falling apart at the seams, fighting and rioting and more violent scenes.
People are speaking but nothing is changing, there's still so much chaos but no one is waking, the problems we're facing aren't near to erasing, yet there's fleeting, retreating, the passion is fading.
There is pious bias, harm to hide us, a strive to be righteous, pleas for quiet.
Pressure to conform to the norm and perform in good form amidst thunderstorms and swarms of people you're supposed to trust to judge you.
Because I guess they're the ones above you.
They don't love you or trust you or even speak up for you, they are the ones you believe.
They are society.
The root of propriety, the cause of anxiety, the eyes who watch silently, observing the sights to see, shaming variety, faking priority, escaping notoriety.
Replacing humility and civility with hostility and words that are sickening.
Is it worse to idolize normality or demonize insanity, for both are a tragedy.
I guess a cake's not as good without all the frosting and you can't be a leader without being called bossy so might as well put on a show for the souls who see what you do, your every move, the choices you choose.
The cause may be lost, at what cost?
You've carved out your flaws from your heart.
Pause.
Don't change who you were from the start.
Don't conform to the norm 'cause you're fine on your own and society's lies will soon catch up to greet you, faceless faces running to meet you.
Exhale.
You're still there.
It's not fair now but I swear further down, things will work out.
We always put the blame on society with dubiety but it's clear to see that's rightfully so.
But what people forget is the cycle that's set is all in our heads, and will stay that way til we mend our mistakes and eventually learn how to bend it.

What are the symptoms of love?
Was it the lifted feeling in my heart when he said my name?
Was it the red flushed in my cheeks when he called me pretty?
Was it the butterflies in my stomach when he talked to me?
Was it the way he would smile and look off to the side,
not his picture smile, it was natural, real
Was it the way he could make me laugh, like nobody else?
Was it the bouquet of roses he bought for my birthday,
he never told me how much he paid for them…
Was it the inside jokes nobody else understood?
Was it the late texts on his computer when he didn’t have his phone?
Was it the long calls, hours, that never felt long enough?
Was it the easy days, when I painted his nails at lunch
or when I helped him with a project so he didn’t fail
Was it the soccer games I went to to watch him play?
What are the symptoms of love?
Was it the dance, or was it prom he never asked me to?
Was it the day he searched everywhere to make sure I was okay?
when he asked me on a date to make it up to me
Was it the way he couldn’t stand to see me cry?
Was it the way he couldn’t stand to see me angry?
“Are you mad at me?” It was always “are you mad at me?”
I was never mad. Disappointed, hurt, anxious, scared. But never mad.
Tell me, what are the symptoms of love?
Was it the lies he told to keep me happy?
Was it me being naive, him being immature?
Was it me asking too many questions, him never knowing the answers?
Was it the song I wrote for him that he never got to hear?
Was it the song he wrote for me, that he denied, deleted
as if it never existed, as if he never said those words
But I never forgot, I still remember, I wish he did too
Did I ever even matter?
How did he move on so quickly?
Even now, I still have questions.
Even now, he still doesn’t have the answers.
So I’ve learned to stop asking.
But really, what are the symptoms of love?
Was it the fragility at the beginning?
Was it the tension at the end?
Was it him doing everything not to hurt me,
but hurting me anyways?
Was it the fear of losing the only one we ever wanted to stay,
and losing each other anyways?

Why can't you love me no matter what.
Why do I have to live my life tiptoeing over everything I do so I don't disappoint you.
Well guess what, you're already disappointed in me. Disappointed that I'm not who you want me to be, that I don't believe what you want me to believe. Disappointed that I can never seem to do anything right, because it will never live up to what will make you happy.
Perhaps you don't even realize the pain and pressure I feel, but I feel it. And it's real.
Those words, "I'm not mad. Just disappointed."
Those words hurt worse than you think...

I suppose humans are rather complicated
Blurs of unkept promises
Broken dreams
Shattered motivation

Mistake upon mistake upon mistake
Turmoil
Distress
Insanity

How to cope in a world where nobody validates raw emotions
Or perhaps it’s only me who feels this way

I suppose life is rather complicated
Simply practice for the permanent emptiness of death

Autumn light spills over the land, the golden sunshine barely peeking over the snow-topped mountains.
A soft breeze sweeps under the orange leaves, urging them into flight as they then drift swiftly into the distance.
A warm hue shines on the blades of grass, reflecting a clear image onto the still, glass pond.
Trees sway hesitantly, casting crooked shadows on the weaving path.
As the last traces of the day dissipate, the planet slipping into a restless slumber, a cool silver mist filters out any last color.
A blurry world stares back at me, chilling wind grabbing hold of my ankles like ice-cold fingers against my bones.
Threatening to pull me down, force clean air into my lungs, pressing on my chest until I have no choice but to inhale, breathing in the crisp fog with sputtering coughs.
Shivers prickle my skin, dancing up my spine and down my arms.
My vision shakes as tears well up in my eyes.
I let my gaze fall one last time on everything around me, taking in the beauty of nature before the light will vanish completely.
A dark world is gut-wrenching when all the lovely things that make Earth precious are clouded by shades of black.
Why open your eyes at night when it will be just the same as what you see when you close them.

The scene fades out of view as I’m forced out of my fond memories at the sound of crying.
The red leaves on the trees, covering the grass, and even swirling in the air shift suddenly into blinding flames, swallowing any lush vision from before.
The evening mist transforms into smoke, sirens and screams wailing in my ears, ricocheting in my mind.
Any calm feeling that had come from my daze snaps out of existence, so quickly it is almost as if it was never even there, as I turn to see the real world burning and falling apart around me.