I can't forget it.
I promise that I have done everything to try.
But these memories continue to cloud my mind.
The air has never
been this cold.
All my youth has disappeared
and grown old.
All the flowers I planted have died,
and the birds sound the same,
and the stars have lost all their shine.

I can't help it if I don't know how to reach out for help.
I have always preferred the pleasure of isolation,
But this silence is torturous,
And now this crowded room I created is nothing but empty space.
All this past hope is disintegrating.
I use to hold my dreams close to my heart,
But now it's drowned out by all the tears I always held back.

I know I'm only an innocent.
But my body is a gun and
my body is a resting place for all medicines.
So let me tilt my head back until I lose count.
Now I fall asleep
Now all the candles are blown out.
Now I'm at peace.
Now I'm fine.
Now the only thing I suffer from is my mother's cries.

I'll wrap up my bones
And put them in His hands.
Don't worry, mom, I know the sound of my first heartbeat,
will always be engraved in you.
I know you heard angels sing my name.
They take me to a place where I am safe.
A place that is infinite.
A place in God's name.

You told me that you used to be a king.
You showed me your crown but it was only a pile of ashes.
You showed me a history book, from an abandoned library, with your story ripped out from the seams.

I traced the edges of the pages and felt your past on the end of my fingertips.
I know it's been so long but the thought still brings you to your knees.

You said you had to watch the sky fall for hours and hours and hours that evening.
You were so close to the stars, and you told me how you used to talk to them during the night.
You used to live with them, you told me.

Everyone thought you were crazy but I could see in your eyes, they were family.
But you witnessed their deaths.
Wings couldn't help you
gravity has betrayed you.

It's time to stop holding your breath and just let it fall out.
Sweetness sings a lullaby you forbid to listen to.
You believe that nothing will ever be as sweet as your past.
No love can replace, for you lost all your brothers and sisters that night
so you have nothing to lose.
No secrets,
no family
just you.

I do not love the touch of your skin.
It no longer feels like silk.

I don't want to lie to you.
I don't want to hurt you.
But I don't think I can longer love you.

Your voice is monotone.
I can no longer hear the summer warmth in it.

When I'm with you I feel lonely.
I don't want to hold your hand.
I don't want you to see me this way,
so why am I still with you?

I no longer look at you the way you still look at me.
I don't want to break your heart,
but I don't think I can longer love you.

You were once the light in my eyes,
but I always feel a sliver of ice keeping me cold.
You see I found this other
who makes me feel warm
even when I'm frozen to my very core.

You were kind and you are beautiful,
but you deserve someone who will call you lover
and every time greet you with a kiss.
A kiss that'll make your head spin,
but trust me, darling I am not that kiss.

I've been standing in the water for a long time now
searching for the end,
but only tripping over stones in the pathway.
Someday my pain
will fade away,
but sadly I'll have to go as well
don't cry yourself to sleep.
It'll make me happy
to die while I still feel alive.
This disease has eaten all that I'm made up of.
Do this for me,
when I'm drifting away, please
hold me tight.
I rather not be alone.
Instead, point out my favorite constellations,
carve this date into a tree,
and sing to me.
Just please sing to me.
I'll find peace in your words and,
I'll catch the tears
that fall from your redden cheeks
and hold them close to me.
There's probably a better place somewhere
out there for me.
A place where there is no pain
and no suffering
because this cancer is slowly killing me,
and I can't live in this state anymore.
I'm sorry.
This world isn't for me
so I must leave.
I must leave.

My silence is not poison.
So don't be scared of me.
Just vibe with me and
maybe you'll understand my words.
Let me take you higher
to a place, a place you've never explored before.
High beyond the mountains where not a sound can be heard.
A place of pure peace.
Where no storm has erupted before.
This is gold.
This is bliss.
Can you think of anything better than this?

I'll give you the sky
if you give me a minute.
Just lay down on the grass
and grow with the flowers.
Learn to love the sun
that you barricade out from your window
because one day you'll get lost in the dark,
and beg for its guidance.
Clean your soul and be in love with your life, every detail.
All I want is to see you smile.
All I want is to be with you and guide you through the winters.
Take all that you know and learn more from there.
All I want is to lay in a field
surrounded by flowers and soak in the rays
and alone we'll be until the night crashes through.
So run with me through this crazy dream of mine
that you and I are the only two left.
Every morning we'll taste the sweet dew
and every night we'll sing the sun to sleep.

Where is the inspiration that I once possessed?
Where is the love that once sprouted from my fingertips?
Where are all the flowers that once grew around my feet,
with each step I took?

It seems as though
lately I've abandoned my gardens,
and left all the flowers to wilt and turn to dust.
The lives that I once cared for,
are now all scattered around the ground.

My spring light is somewhere lost in this winter cold,
and this winter has been going on for too long.
My body is numb from the breeze the December nights send me.
I once rose with the early sun in the morning,
but now I find my self serenading the moon each night.
Hoping maybe she will understand all my pain and issues.

These nights are graceless.
These nights are long.
These nights have me lost,
walking and searching for the sun.
Always ending up in places
that are just too dark.

Where is the sun that once loved me like a child?
Will I ever end up in a perfect place?
Am I just crying them to the moon?
Will this all be over soon?

I woke up at midnight
and remembered the nights we would fall asleep beside each other.
Now I'm alone and in a different city.
Now I am accompanied by the moon.  

I knew change was bound to come,
but I didn't know how hard it would hit me.
I understand that this wasn't easy for you,
and I sympathize.
I was selfish to wish for you to stay,
and I apologize.
But now I know that just because you're miles away
doesn't mean we won't meet again sometime in spring.

Our summer smiles once glowed so bright,
I swore that the stars didn't stand a chance.
We were young and spinning, spinning
I swore that our souls couldn't sit still.

I recognize that roses and daisies
blossom differently.
I just wish someone would have told me that
before winter set in.

We're all on different paths now
We all have gone and moved away.
Who knows where we will be in a year from now.
It's just that these passed summers haven't felt the same.

Someday your pain
will be beneath you.
Someday you'll see
that all that crying
bloomed flowers
under your feet.

When the sun rises,
I'll see you across the room.
It's been years since I've disappeared
but I did it all to protect you.
Keep you safe from the dark
that follows you and
tries to hurt you.

I ran into the darkness for you,
this was my plan
and now I've returned from the black for anew,
and I owe you a thousand apologies
In the morning,
I'll approach you.
It's been three years.
The story has ended
and I have shed my own tears.

"Don't apologize to me."

I love us in July,
the Saturday of summer.
Getting caught up in magic and cosmos,
killing time like it doesn't exist.
If being this carefree is a crime
then I guess we'll be locked up forever.

We sit in cars with slushies and show tunes.
Can't believe that I've never been happier.
These feelings are engraved
and they've found a home in me.  
These years were the little things
that made me love life.

Never did I imagine so much distance to invade our space.
Find us across the map and roads apart.
It's time we dance with reality.
Well, I guess time really did catch up with us.
It's time to break the news that summer does not last forever.

I used to crave the feeling of solitude
but now it's eating me alive.
I understand change
I understand life isn't always going to be a supercut
but now I can look back,
and see just oh how fast these nights have truly passed.

I once dreamed out our future but it's no longer looking sweet.
We are all so far from home,
I should have known that summer doesn't last forever.
I should have known our days were numbered for something greater.
I'm proud of all the times we outshined the stars.
I'm proud of our roots,
for they run so deep
held together by galaxies.
I've forgotten just how beautiful we were
when we would chase the parking lot lights.
I've forgotten just how beautiful we were
when we meet up with the sun once again.

We were untouchable, we were on fire.  
What a rush we were.
No one could touch our flames,
but what will we do when our light goes out?
I hope to never see the dark in our days.
In my head, we were always perfect.
In my head, I never fear solitude
because I know we were rooted generations ago,
long before we rose with the sun.

All lives end.
Even the plants and flowers
that once danced in the summer winds.

I've always thought the stars shined brighter
when I was watching them with you.
It was our last night together
so we spent it outside.
Under this August sky,
the stars fell that night.
This was an ode to us
because it was the end of an era.

and then all at once, I knew
I'm just not at as happy as I used to be.
Stewert and Rose was where I was left to start anew.
I forgot all about constellations.
Everything just seems darker because
there aren't as many stars as there used to be.
I cried on my first night.
Marking the room with tears as a fresh start.
I guess it was just a little too much for me.
An empty room, sharing space,
with faces I've never seen.
Here is the place where I move on,
so maybe this is actually healthy.  
Someday I might be lucky enough to rediscover stars,
feel high again, and enjoy the summers once again.
Just like we did when we were young.

If you're traveling on your own,
I can be your companion.
In the mountains,
we'll carve our prays there,
and leave our footprints along the sides.
We can sing songs with birds
and harmonize with the naked creek.
We can see nothing but the abundance of old pine trees
for miles and miles.
In these cold winters, the fog walks
the grounds hiding the path.
So hold my hand and be my guide
for these hills aren't my native.
We'll make our home in the low valley.
Although you sleep in the day
and I sleep in the night,
there will always be a daybreak we could meet at.
We must be up in some north country
we must be loving our lives down in the mountains.

All our love is different now.
All our dreams are different now,
But all the stars are still the same.
We grow different flowers.
We listen to different songs,
But the sun still shines just as bright.
It's so wild, how we all went and changed overnight.

Women crave for a rebirth
and I am no exception.
I crave to hear a choir and feel the water rush over me,
leaving me with a sense of purpose and a new perspective.
I want to forget my name.
I want to see my life in a new light.
I feel it's time for me to leave my body and leave my past.
It's time for me to find my mind
because I know that it must get better than this.

So let me grow,
I believe that it does get better than this.
I have seen many women learn how to scream their own name,
over and over and over and over again.
Howling into the clouds and radiate like the sun,
and I start to wonder when my time will come.
However, I know I must learn to grow steady like the harvest
because I know rebirth is not a path that we can rush down

These days seem to grow longer,
and the flowers you gave me
have now found their way
back into the earth, starting over.
But I know I must be patient,
and I know I must be fine,
I could lie and say that I'm hopeful, that I'm hopeful,
but slowly all the hope that I once possessed is fading.
These days have no numbers.
They just drag on.

So I speak to the silence,
I'm so familiar to it now.
Why did you have to go and leave?
Please just find yourself back to me.
It's been such a long time since I felt your skin.
Please free me from the doldrums,
I'm so familiar to it now.

This might be over soon,
but I can not guarantee you happiness.
The mind loves to play tricks on you,
but you have to promise me not to be a fool.
Don't get lost in the silence.
Don't get drowned out by the darkness.
What happened to the days when you outshined the sun?
You never know, this might be over soon.  

You rise, eat, and work so you believe everything is alright,
but your thoughts haven't been too kind to you.
They grow wild at night and they won't make nice.
Maybe one day, they'll instead sing you to sleep.

Maybe one day you'll rediscover your love for isolation,
but lately, I feel you have been struggling with the concept of loneliness versus being alone.
It's not your fault you found love in the comfort of your bed,
but maybe one day you'll learn you can't make a home out of it.
Maybe one day you'll have hope that you'll rise again,
and shine bright like the sun like you did when you were young.

Sorry if I'm quiet.
Sorry, I'm just not sure what to say,
but I hope you stick around because I love your company.
I understand if you have other plans.
Just know I'm here too.
In the back, alone, observing my surroundings.
Overthinking every little thing about everything
I'm too shy of saying.

Sorry if I'm not enough for you,
but baby, just trust me and stick around.
Let me warm up.
Let me get comfortable.
Let me sink in.
Then you will truly see my soul and all that I can give.

But I understand if patience is not your cup of tea,
and I'm not enough for you.
That's okay I'll just sit here and watch you leave.
I'll just sit back alone and watch you disappear into the arms of someone else.
Someone who is as bright as the sun
and someone exciting as a storm.
Don't mind me, I can keep myself warm.
For I have survived so many winters alone.

When I was 16 I was happy.
Dancing around,
having fun in the summer.
Imagining the future to be something sweet.
My dreams were vast.
My hopes were taller than cliffs.
I was having fun.

When I was 21 I was lonely.
Wasting around,
sleeping through the summer.
Remembering the past as being something sweet.
My dreams were undecided.
My hopes were scattered all around.
I was tired of crying.

American dreamer.
Southern border divide,
holding me back.
A new hope,
I dream to seek.
An escape from the land I once knew,
A place that just isn't meant for me.

Strange views,
The mainland holds.
Keeping me from something new.
I promise I'm not here to take anything from you.
I understand laws.
I understand policies.
But I'll give you anything for a hand.

Strange views.
Your word doesn't match your action.
How terrible for my copper skin brothers and sisters.
Not a chance for them to live.
Not a change for them to believe in a new.
So take our land
and take our food.
Take our love
and our culture.
But leave us in cages left to rust.

Strange views
of babies in tears
and the smell of fear
coming from grieving mothers and fathers.
As their babies are now out of sight,
separated.
What a strange view to see.
Why does this seem so familiar to me?

Isn't it lovely, to be alone?
Surrounded by the quiet, peace roams.
I once thought this was a haven,
but now I don't know.

I have what I always wanted;
a room to myself,
far from my family,
and a door to close.
I ask myself, isn't this lovely?
But never have I felt so alone.

Sweetheart, let's take things slow.
Don't worry about tomorrow.
because tomorrow is a million miles away right now.
You have to understand that I'm a late bloomer,
with a lost mind.
So please be patient with me
because I am still blossoming.
I know you are ready to run
I know you are ready to fly,
but please don't let me fall
because I've never been brave enough to try.

I'm a modern woman.
I give so much love and healing words to others,
but leave myself empty until I'm bird bones.
Maybe one day I'll learn to be more tender and love myself like a painting worshipped in the Louvre.
I'll treat my body the way I treat a lover.
I'll kiss myself up and down until I go numb.
I'll feed myself the sweetest peaches, plums, and cherries.
I'll finally see all my curves as rivers and valleys blooming endlessly with flowers the color of the setting sun.
I know this is journey that cannot be rushed into,
but my mind is more stubborn than I am.
So I must learn to be patient,
I must learn to be kind,
I must learn to give myself a minute.
I'll fake it every day until one morning I'll wake up and see myself as soft,
as beautiful,
as elegant,
as powerful
as the Renaissance women worshipped in museums.
I've looked like them all this time.

Do not silence me
because you are scared of my voice.
Do not look down,
but look at me when I speak to you.
Sorry if I come off as too assertive
but I speak because I can.

The fire in me burns.
With flames too big to be calmed.
No matter what you tell me, I know my truth.
You look at me like I'm wasting your time
and I should just sit quiet and sit pretty.

You talk mighty high behind my back to your men,
but do you have enough steel in your spine
to look me in the eyes?
So what are you trying to hide?
Your silence speaks enough for me
to realize you'll never be man enough
to confess your ***** crimes.

I am an army,
too big for you to fight.
I am fire and rage.
I can't keep quiet, I can't just sit still.
No matter how much you try to push me away.
I shall rise again
to declare my name.

I wish I could describe the feeling
of being high and happy one day,
and then lonely and unmotivated the next.
The truth is I'm just confused with my life right now.
It seems these days my feelings change like the seasons.
How many more sunsets do I have to watch
before I finally pull back and feel whole?
I used to wish for the days of living in my own apartment.
Never did I think I would get this lonely.
I used to wish for the days of moving to a different city with my friends.
Never did I think they would leave and it would just be me.
There are days where I am inspired,
and you can see me dancing in the sunlight.
Riding this high as far as I can.
It took me a while to realize that my life is no sitcom.
My years as a young adult
aren't playing out how I thought they would be.  
No, they are not like the ones you see on TV.
Forgive me if I sound dramatic,
but this is not the state I thought I would be in
when I was 16 and full of hope.

It's the morning once again.
I feel the sun on my skin as it shines in.
The sound of today's birds are chirping inside my head.
I can feel your breath on my neck.
I soak in the moment,
because the world is so quiet at this time.
We're the only one's alive right now,
I'm so glad you're mine.

So open up the windows as it starts to rain.
Let the rain calm you.
Let my touch soothe you.
No need to think about the day and the hours,
just let them linger.
Let your stress melt in our heat,
as we lay next to each other
filling all the gaps.
I can not tell a lie,
this is my paradise.

Every night I wonder
what it's like to feel the rush of an unforgettable night.
It's such a shame that I'm forced to crave
the comfort of home.
Just once I want to take on the night
with my fellow dreamers,
show them all my best side
seeing me feel this drink in my bones.
I don't wanna be alone tonight,
so let us ride high and show me what it's like to be still young.  
I'm tired of hiding behind crowds,
but there's plenty of room back here for me and my thoughts.
If being this afraid and alone is all I have,
well, I guess I'm destined to be a dreamer.
Prove me wrong,
I'm ready to disappear into the lights.

Never forget the joy of being 17 years old.
Never forget the joy of being 18 years old.
Never forget the joy of being 19 years old.
These years created a story that I'll reread for the rest of my years.
Days of slushies and singing,
days of love and summer.
Grassy fields and star gazing car rides.
The truth is I've been really lonely and distant from who I used to be.
So I stop and think that this is how growing up is actually meant to be.
It's lonelier than I thought,
but it's time to face reality.
I forever treasure our years and days together.

Hands in the air
disappear into the lights.
This room is full of innocence and rush.
Lover, I am the one to take this slow,
Lover, you are the one dancing until the next birthday.
I know there is nothing wrong with that,
but let's not get caught up in these party lights
and focus on the moon, she shines so brightly.
She is a friend of ours.

Late to the party but that didn't stop us from celebrating.
Every night we find a new beginning,
to find a way to see each other again soon.
We were young and spinning, forever free.
Every Saturday getting lost in wild fantasies.

Now I know you're hooked on the feeling of getting older,
but learn to love your youth.
Now I know you're hooked on the feeling of attention,
but promise me to not find a new beginning without me.

As the seasons changed my location,
I find I can still feel the beats from the parties,
but they are fading as I stumble home with the moon.
The rush has you wrapped in her arms
and I am left with innocence.
I am finding grace in these passing years
but you seem to be still caught up in the lights of a different party.

I've enjoyed my nights,
but when we are sober
I'll be the one picking up the empty glasses.
This is slowly becoming a little too much for me.
You tell me that we still stand under the same stars,
but when was the last time you found beauty in the moon?

I know I am not one to enjoy getting older,
but I must learn to accept my youth as something from the past now.
Because this party ended months ago,
and every Saturday I still imagine the nights.
We were young, forever, and on fire.
Never would I imagine those party lights
to shine brighter than the moon.
She is a stranger to us now.

Love me like crazy
and I'll love you like crazy.
I'll love you until there is no til.
Until the world stands still.
The touch of your skin could keep me warm for several winters.
The stars will align and spell out our names.
The twin stars will shine just for us.
I was never taught how to love another person,
and I never learned how to love myself.
I have always walked in shadows of others
hoping one day they'd turn around,
and find me.
I was never taught how to take care of another person
but I could take care of you,
but only if you want me to,
and you could keep me out of the shadows.

I need a smoke signal.
Something loud and bright,
to save me from this state of mind.
I can't escape it.
Lord knows I've tried,
and now I've grown tired.
I need a smoke signal.

And I still wonder
what might've been.
Will I ever escape this state,
or will i just disintegrate,
and be consumed by this,
because you decided to wait.

Either way it might be over soon, soon.

Well I've carried this burden
and now I don't know how much
more weight I can hold.

Either way it might be over soon, soon.

I need a smoke signal.
Anything to not be alone.
I need a smoke signal.
Before all that's left is bones.

I was the kindest soul that ever sang to you and it turns out you never heard a word I spoke.
Claiming that maybe you just didn't need my songs to feel good.
I'm feeding myself false hope by the spoon fulls even after choking so many times.
I wish I could have learned sooner to put the spoon down - I knew it I just couldn't grasp it - the reality of losing it.
He couldn't explain his lack of love for my soul but kept my body full of greed for a year and a half.
Unfortunately, I'm a modernly woman holding on to just a string of hope thinking of all the ways I could change myself for you.

I thought I never was the prettiest picture that you'd admire each night. You told me yourself you had a gallery of others you would desire to be with for a night.
My skin still sinks so low remembering your stories about these selfish needs.
Making me feel I was never enough to love, cherish, and make a home in.
How does it feel to rip down a perfectly fine structure of a woman until she is bird bones?

I had a weak mind and constitution but continued to dance through the storm that I thought you'd save me from one day.
I was always looking for any signs of sun that I dreamt you would bring to me.
I ended up watching you disappear into the sun wishing and just praying that someday I could as well.
I asked to join but you couldn't handle it - you said couldn't understand it because you've never experienced rain like mine.
You put me through hell and I think it's my time to finally be able to breathe without your hands on my throat - don't you mind?

My first experience with love turned out to leave a constellation of scars that I'll one day look at and be able to see their beauty.
But for now, I'm still just counting scars.
But for now, I'm still battling flames you burned in me.
I didn't think I'd write like this about you,
But I can still feel the day you no longer felt like my hometown.
Coming home to you was lackluster and toxic at best - but I still drank it up like it was sweet wine.
Oh, how it still stings.

Finally, you have set me free and I can love you for that because you knew I was too weak to do it myself.
But here I stand tall - I am feeling like I'm starting to breathe and it is so divine.
I think I am floating.

One day I'll taste the sweet serenity of someone who'll listen to my songs and crave my soul and knows how to survive a storm.
But for now, I can only be my biggest supporter.
I can't look for conformation in another being without learning to love the silence.

"I'll take care of you
I'll nurture you
I'll guide you through and to anew
I'll take you so far to a place where you'll be able to build yourself better.
I love you and all your soul, body, and mind.
Don't be terrified, don't let him pull you down, don't let him fool you that he cared about you.
Let this story grow old and crinkle.
He didn't know how lucky he was."

Today I felt alone.
The kind of alone where all you
want is to talk to someone
- to make you feel whole again.

But I was never empty without them.
Just a little hollow.
A type of hollowness that everyone struggles through at some point
- no matter the mind or body.

I don't want to rely on others,
but I feel my ego is too powerful
right now to think anything else.

But let us think positive.
I do not feel sad - just slow.
Just quiet.
Just still.
Just like nature.

We are never alone when we have nature.
We just are deconstructing the concept of busyness, speed, and time.

Don't worry your mind.
This all shall pass,
but in this moment
just be still.