I hate my feelings...
I hate my words...
I hate my pen...
I wish not to hold it and taint my papers....
I wish Death be my true friend, where everything allied against me...
I declared Love, I declared things were true and all that were thrown in ingratitude  waste!
                            I hate being awaken again!
                                     I just want to sleep
                                              In peace!

She said "I have a hard time writing about how I feel"!...
I saw her smile like a crystal dew in misty river!
Like a pat on a shoulder to let you smile from your heart!...
Even her name spreads the peace in the realm of my words...
I don't know her!
I didn't talk to her before!
                    But....
I felt the eagerness in every Word she wrote!
I felt the happiness in her Wow and wonders!
I felt the peace she holds in her soul!
Although I don't know her!
                    But....
She is ......  
                   How I feel!....

I don´t know who invited me here!
I don´t know what message I´ll be recieving in coming days here!
I know nothing except I lost the language I know I became Plain!
I became somewhere lost in space of nature and creatures living their own  lives!
I doubted my knowedge!
I questioned my beliefs!
I despute what I´ve recieved throughout those years!
Being with Nature is the bless that my spirit is longing to!
In silence with Nature I can find more words than with human!
In Silence with Nature I connected to my heart!
In Silence I felt the strangeness I have around me!
I thanked heaven for who I am!
I thanked for being Me!

On my bed taking the Warrior rest, I saw half moon!
On my bed, with sick heart looking at him and wondering
               "Do you want to say anything to me?"!
                    Where is the other half is hiding?
Tell me .....
                why are you shining at your half only?
Are you listening to music around me!
My blood are shining inside me more than you do outside!
My words are alive in me, more your glowing in the dark night!
                Are you trying to say something to me!
I still see you a half moon!
And I'm still resting!

The moon guarding me in silence!
I know his words and what he wants from me!
I know his worries!
Put your worries at ease my friend!
My heart still alive and beating!
My heart still in his place and I'll take care of him!
Thank you for being there and I can see the sad look In your face and the tear you are holding back!
I'm the Fearless Ronin, whose ups and downs are part of his journey!
Although downs are deep, but they are taking me to a higher place!
Taking me to be;
More shining in loving the universe!
More open like crystal!
More grounded like the Temple on the top of a mountain!
More profound like deep blue ocean!
More gentle like a ****** soul!
I'm not that shallow!
I'm bigger that can't be contained!
Thanks for those sparking stars around you!
Thanks for their light!
Thanks for their genuine glow!
I'm just ready for that
                           goodbye kiss!

Walking the road with her, not feeling my body or the things around me!, as if everything paused for understanding what is in the air!
Walking the road with her, and the only longing was to disappear from world so she won't see the pain my body hold!
Walking the road, I couldn't see a thing that belongs to me except the love I have for her!
Walking the road, seeing that my love to her is going so fast although it didn't started...
Walking the road with her, wishing not to end... looking to my watch asking God to take the tears of that heart, that beats in joy for the first time after ages...
Walking the road with her....
Eyes were looking away somewhere!...
The black hair that I want to touch, like a dark night!...
Lips how they are moving..
The tone how going low and sad...
Her silence, that invites me to say why?...
Hands and viens, how thin they are and warm...

It is a lonely night that i fear from!
Such a lonely day that I'm glad that I survived...
Walking the road with her, all my limbs running to its world!
I don't know why the whole being of me pushing me to have that hug and kiss!
The fear that the hug and kiss would take my life to Hell...
23-11-2015

Your words showered me with Love!
Your words gave me the warmth inside my soul!
With your words I disappear from the Hideous World!
I'm in peace with your words....
                         I'm in love with your words


                                      But.....
                               Not with you!

Take it easy my Heart!
It is only a tiny pain!
You were with me all those years!
Don't give up on me now!
Our journey just started!
Don't be afraid!
I'm with you!
I can't promise that the journey will be predicted!
I can't promise that we will face same things we used to face before or known to us!
However....
You will see my face smiling at you gently!
I can't promis....
The road will be paved!
There will be light everywhere we go!
A place to rest!
A place to recover!
However.....
You will find me.....
Your road buddy!!
Listening to your words!
Listening to your whispers!
In every corner guarding you!

You are not alone!
You will find me in the melody played in the sphere!
You will find me your.......

                                 Shelter

I want him dead!!!
Looking in the eyes of mother and not me!
And in him i gazed!
In the name of School...!
In the name of Future...!
In the name of Education...!
But....
Not for his name!
Not for his freedom!
Not for his Innocence!
After all that...
Doesn't he has the right for wanting me "Dead"!!!

Every part of me ran away!
Evey part of me buried himself in nowhere!
The theme of FEAR was there hiding behind, waiting to jump on me!
                                   And
                            She is in love!
                          But not with me!
Here DEATH sent me a gaze to shake hand with him!
The tree stopped waving to me!
The space became empty!
                          Waiting for that shaking
                                     I gazed!
And shaked the hand with the Handsome Vagabond!
The heart cried and the first time the tear kissed my face a goodbye telling me!
                          She is in love

"We get crushes on others, not because we truly love and understand them, but to distract ourselves from our sufferings" How to Love
Book by Thich Nhat Hanh
I felt Naked!
I felt being with no hope left!
I felt I have to leave the world!
I flet I need help!
No air to breath...
No bed to lay on...
No sleep to catch...
All States are taken away and given to someone...
Graving to rest..
Graving to know...
Graving to live..
It is only one thing I look for...
                               It is only
                                Love
                           Is it much?

From heaven I fell....
With smile I was looking to heaven not worrying where I'm landing!....
Fear was not my concern!....
Heart never stopped from beating....
Feeling the cold breath on back like sleeping on feather bed....
Seeing the light ahead comfort the spirit within!....
Listening to sphere whistling for me!...
Calling unheard name!
Reading lips, scares heart and the name was
                             Fallen

One of Questions drives the heart crazy!
One of Questions irritates the manhood around!
One of testing grounds that are not taken/visited!
How radical I am in such approach!
Testing untouched grounds?!
Grounds that might questioning Authenticity?! Questioning my existence in other’s eyes!! Questioning unspoken values!!
“Nauseous” feelings as if the whole thing is running from everything…
Unease breathes blocking blood in veins, bringing heat into those veins to explode in anger and despair.
Bringing the devil out
Bringing the suppressed pain and lost to surface!
Bringing the missing to a place I’m keeping away!

Two Hours and I’m trying to put my immense feelings on papers..and i failed…
Looking at the picture that took my breath away….
Reading the spilled words, feelings were stolen from me and i was hypnotised…
Literary paralysed and shaken…
Literary living in the wold of spirituality that i left long time ago…
Literary i’m living in my exile ….
Literary I’m seen…
I saw her Completing her process, and everything in me holding me back from keeping the secret inside me….
Everything in me, get angry of my “Shy” and shut my “Shyness” off and said the truth that I saw her soul!!
The first fear was the tear i was about to see…
The first “Freak out” was the face turing to red!
The pain was to hurt someone i care about?
I saw all those things and i felt the pain inside me!
I’ve heard the voice saying inside me “Why you want to do it?”
                                               Then....
I told her “ I’m sorry” I can’t help it? and i should take it out…
I should tell her........
                                   You have been seen
                                          I Saw you!

What?
Two Hours and i’m trying to put my immense feelings on papers..and i failed…
Looking at the picture that took my breath away….
Reading the spilled words, feelings were stolen from me and i was hypnotised…
Literary paralysed and shaken…
Literary living in the wold of spirituality that i left long time ago…
Literary i’m living in my exile ….
Literary I’m seen…
I saw her Completing her process, and everything in me hold me back from keeping the secret inside me….
Everything in me, get angry of my “Shy” and shut my “Shyness” off and said the truth that I saw her soul!!
The first fear was the tear i was about to see…
The first “Freak out” was the face turing to red!
The pain was to hurt someone i care about?
I saw all those things and i felt the pain inside me!
I’ve heard the voice saying inside “Why did you so?”
I told her “ I’m sorry” I can’t help it?
and i should say that…
I should tell her
You have been seen
I Saw you!
13-4-2015

I miss the logic in you!
            I miss the craziness in me around you!
I miss.......
The smell in you and from you!
The unsaid words inside your eyes!
The smile of that little child inside you!
Strange....
I'm in my bed lonely with my lonely blanket warming my lost in the silence of the night!
Clearing my packages to fit when light rises in the next day!

I really wanted to say "I Miss you"...Badly!
I really wanted to say "I Love you"...Genuinely!
Like a child asking for his Fairy...
                                       What is the point!
A Fairy you see in your dream!
A Dream that even not drawn by You!
                                        What is the point!
                                                    to
   ­                                             Dream
                                                    or
         ­                                        Love

I missed her!
I missed the anger in her eyes!
I missed the arrogance in her lips..
I missed when she moves her hair aside, when she thinks deeply!
I missed her, when she smiles out of challenge...
I missed her, when she moves her eyes brow and open eyes out of cynical!
I missed her voice...
I miss you....
But all those became ashes flying in air...
I don't regret my time with you, I regret my heart let me feel fool!
As if i'm singing " When love finds a fool" song!
I'll miss my heart!

One genuine breath, takes you to God’s throne…
One look to horizon, lets you fall in love with the burning colours…
One pulse of your heart, lets you sleep in the maze of unknown places…
One tear falls inside your soul, takes all privileges giving by God…
The temple still there to worship the mystery inside you!
celebrate the lamentation to cure your soul!

I wonder where she is?
What she is doing…
How she is breathing…
What her Lips are emerging with…
No wonder I miss her!
No wonder i’m losing my centre!
No wonder i’m straying in nowhere!
But
Honesty showed gratitude for honouring it!
Love kneeled in front me, for bringing back its dignity!
Passion kissed me for showing the missed trace in life…
Dreams are dancing around me celebrating the moment of relief..
Vulnerability cried with me for giving away my anger with life…
I envy her silence!
   her world!
   her mystery!
I envy everything around her!
1-12-2015

For years I forgot you!
For ages I neglected you!
I didn't know that you exist!
I cared about others and you were not there at all!
I won't apologize!
I won't regret doing that!
I won't look back at those years!
                       We are now together
You and me here changing the world inside us!
You and me here transforming the universe around us!
                       We are the perfect combination
We CARE and that what makes us unique!
We Hear the heart conversation, and that what makes us the Heart whisperer!
We Touch The Pain gently, and that is why hearts come back to us!
                       We are the perfect combination
We are in a long journey and I count on you!
                        Love you my......
                                Soul

Why Now!
Why Her!
Why I miss her!
I went to her to be with you, and don't know why all roads were leading to her with eagerness...
My breathes taken away, when she said she will leave...
Why fear went sneaky inside me, saying you brought hell to your castle!
My face says something...
My heart says something linked to face!
My soul says the unspoken words to me!
I'm happy, but I hate her!
I'm happy, but I feel pain in my heart!
I'm happy, but scared!
I'm happy that i'm alive because of her!

The whole universe has been shaken!
                                     Breathes became heavy..
                                     Soul fighting chest to run...
                                     Heart about to explode...
Trust, to what...to who.. to where!
I paid my dues and lot more than that and still paying as a philanthropist!

Connection: Ghosts were my best companions, where silence was our language...

Discovery: Paths were crossed with each others, declaring another lost in new path...

Give up was not in my dictionary, I was seen once and i'm seen again. But pain is the theme that prevails now...

Faith in the unknown is fading taking me to unease state, but I feel happy. As if Irony became a new friend to share with the ***** to let the world spins around you...

Declaring a war of uncertainty and to anything else you don't feel...
I will write my own praises...
I understand how bad things will come in the way, and I won't care...
I understand that I won't live an easy life, and I will take my part in that...
I will define my world in order to be remembered, by those who passed by me and those who are in heaven!
                                       I will be the person of my Own!
22-11-2015

I'm fallen in love with the darkness of night
Its obscurity, invites me to walk in its silence!
In it, I go wild in being unknown!
In it, I got friends from heaven looking after me!
In it, I ask myself "why I can't sleep in her arms?"
There where night sends its sign, dude wake up "it is the darkness of night, where you are not seen!"

Her Smile…
Her Skin…
Her Hair..
Her Gazed eyes…
In Bottom Line, I missed her…
If I said “ I’ve tried to forget her”, that means she is in my breath..
If I said “ I failed to remove her from my memories, that means she is in my blood”…
“Do you feel this healthy for you and serving you?”
It is an Ouch question, it is showing “Love” has different way, in different world…
I feel my sins from the dark ages are visiting me!
My heart and soul struggling to have truce with mind and body!
Mind wants to give up the nonsense
Body wants to get rest…
Heart wants to live with her!
Soul wants to marry her soul!

I stood in front of her in body, but my soul behind her....
trying to run away!
Are you fine? A question, which its answer already known!
I didn't avoid her, I did only leave her alone and failed to keep her away from my eyes! my heart! my core!
My breaths became heavy
My heart beats in slow motion
My stomach is shivering
I watch every spot of her!
I looked at her ear, wanting to touch them!
I just felt I want to hug!
Am I dreaming?!

"You Sound Different"....
A question sent me back to days where the strange epic in my life!
A question kidnapped me to a moment where i was not me!
A moment I felt not connect to mind and my flesh...
A question let me stray in every pulse of my heart was given in this journey...
I shared the strange love and emotions freely with them... with happiness of feeling there is something inside me...
Stephanie... The Voice from Heaven... Listened with open heart...
Pushed me gently to be grounded in unstable ground!
Nancy.... The Fearless Artist.... You can hear her voice from back cheering your spirit telling you " I have your back"....
A night won't be forgotten...
A night where minds put a side...
A night where hearts and souls were chanting...
A night where...
                            Silver Samurai
                            The Voice from Heaven
                            The Fearless Artist
                                       are
Around that "Inner Light"
I felt healed with them and because of their generosity...
I felt healed because of their true selves...
                                       Thank you!

Sorry my friend to let you down!
You came in the wrong time...Wrong world.... Wrong body!
Your friend is tainted with dreadful sins that can't be forgiven by Universe!
Sorry my friend
You have no freedom with me!
You have no shelter from those lonely nights!
No warm places to hold you gently!
Sorry my friend!

Funny when I have those little talks inside my head!
Funny when my heart is talking to my head!
I can feel the chill in that talk with little pain twisting my heart!
"Can't you feel me!" ....
                     "Fate has another plans!"
"Can't I tell her how and what I Feel!"
                      "Are you crazy?"
"What the harm in doing so?"
                     "Are you welling to have another Slap!"
"It is better than burning inside!"
                     "It is better than being a joke! of something call love!"
" I can't live anymore in my own cell!"
                      "I know you won't tolerate another fall!"
"Why we do exist then?"
                      "To have those Little Talks:)"
"I won't talk to you"
                      "You have no one else dear Heart!"
"I hate you!"
                      "Welcome on board, I hate a lot of things in my world!"
"Why can't you talk!"
                       " I don't have someone to have those........
                                                Little Talks!"

I gazed!
Time had stopped for a minute looking at her eyes and watching her smile..
                           I gazed!
Asking her eyes, her heart for that kiss which I might die after it!
                           I gazed!
Remembering "Ya dude"!
Remembering "What the Fxxk"!
Feeling the fight between my limbs and soul over her....
It might fulfil me to:
Smell her!
Touch her face!
Be with her silence!
Hug Her!
                           I gazed!
Looking at her hands where they are taking me, and the sea behind her!

                           I gazed!
Knowing nothing except something is growing inside me!

                           I gazed!
I want the real her! Not the years of her!

                           I gazed!
Telling her with no words...
"Don't you feel me, how your love burns me!
22-11-2015

Kindness was my skin...
Softness washy gown...
Tenderness was my voice...
All That was taken from me at the point of time!
                                           Then
Mystery was my shield  
Lamentation was my Poetry
Loneliness was my path
Pain was my Alley
                               Once upon the time
I found what I miss!
I found what was not there!
I found the warmth I miss in those lonely nights!
I found the Heart Beat, which I didn't feel all those years...
I felt the heat of my words...
I found, sensed, felt, lived, smelled, drank, breathed the strange love!
A lot of (I)s, but my body has no existence...
A lot of Heart and Soul intimate conversation..
I reach the point to let them down, and let my gains lost in this vast of nowhere!
I'm sorry for this funeral ceremony, where crops are my belongings...
Thank you for being there and sorry for this note, but I have to leave...
I have A call, that I have to Answer!

“What Am I afraid of?”!!!!
A concealed question asked inside my chest and feelings….
Its painful ache inside my stomach spreading throwing the cold of freezing winter all over my body…
Feeling the shivering heart out of being scared of his messy life…
Accelerating heart beats, as if heading to death… Heading to stop somewhere in the middle of chaos of being deserted with emotions and unknown world I’ve created…
When I started to be the “Blind Man”, and be the “Curious Being” about people and things around me….
When I started to see colors in every spot falls under my eyes….
When I started touching emotions were strange to me?
Ghosts started visiting me, with sarcastic smile on their faces giving me message that I don’t have scape or shelter from the “Lost” state I’m living in…
No Matter what I’ll do, I’ll be in that prison with no breath out!!!
I wish those ghosts were of flesh and blood…
Wish they dared show me themselves…
Wish they fought me!!!

I like my wounds, I like them because of lessons I've learnt...
I like my wounds... because of those days they are brining with...
I like them... because of making me who I am...
I like them, although it is painful...
I like them, because they are true..
I like them, because they are my legacy...
25-11-2015

Sitting next to her, watching falling a sleep...
I didn't look at anything except the loose strand of her hair...
I didn't notice anything except that loose strand of her covering her eye!...
I saw how her eye so tired and wants to rest...
I can't tolerate sitting next to her!
I sat on the sand looking at the sea, in that dark night!
10 minutes....
Me, the sea, the moon, the wind and she still sleeping on that rock!
looking at her again, how she leaning toward her knees and laying her head! and Sleeping like a child!
I kept chatting with the Sea! What else!
What should I do!
I feel the whole world inside me and I can't give her anything except the friendship that I promised her...
She Knows i'm lying! And I know she knows i'm lying!
                              The question that I can't find any answer to it!
I love her.... The Hell Yes I do!
The sound of waves asking me with anger, are you serious!
My answer, is there something else i'm going to lose!
                                      You are Hurt!
I'll be more hurt if I waste this feeling...
                                       You are Lost!
Divine with me...
                                        You will be in silent!
But I'm fully alive...
                                         You will be alone!
But I'm in love...
                                        Why can't you see!

Because she still sleeping...
I saw the child inside her that I'm missing! and all that...
                                       While she is sleeping!

Although...I wasn't a man with life purpose! ... But
I lived by By Principles!

Although.... I was locked in my own world.... But
I kept my words alive, touching the soul of everyone outside the border of my world....

Although... I'm not the saint .... But
I kept angels wondering about me being on earth...

Tainting my lips with whisper in silence of dark nights!

Chanting the unheard prayers and bewildered by the gazed of demons around me!

Disconnected from spheres of those around, trying to put my hand on my pain!

Is it the time.... To Rest!!!

The Sky is angry!
Irony how the universe feels you more than humans!
Clouds gathered to listen to my anger!
Air blowing around Clouds to feel the echo of agony!
Birds hide away from Seeing the Soul's Bleeding!
Looking to my dry skin, thinking how rough the journey i went through was!
Feeling the cold deep inside my arteries!
Can't swallow the breath....can't sense the heat in my blood..
Feeling the shy tear asking for permission to let it go!...and I don't have the sense what to do! I can't help at the moment!
My question!....
                                          Is it Betrayal?
                                          Is it Normal?
                                          Is it part of human's game?
Still there other questions inside me, wondering what is rational left out!
Leaving things behind me, I feel dishonoring my essence!
                                         Thank you...
I saw the other half of the cup!

Keep remembering her small eyes like a shiraz cat…
keep remembering her voice flowing inside me clearing doubts…
keep recalling that look, where tears were about to fall…
keep recalling how shy she was hiding her face from me…
recalling how she looked down trying to hold her tears back..
to hold her breath…
to recall her silence
to be in the past..
to  be…
who is she
and
who she
was

With silence I became a friend!
Taking a rest out of painful journey!
A friend I can't look at his eyes!
A journey is meant to be taken alone!
A fight tried to kept away!
A tear was frozen in time!
An anger was hold within the chest!
                         After all that
What is my say now!!

I can't feel my heart!
He left my chest out of anger!
Telling me, why you allowed me to beat!
In the darkness I layed!
With silence I chatted!
I'm sorry to let you cried!
I'm sorry to let pain lived in you!
I hoped!
It was big for me and you were the escapegoat!
I can't breath!
My heart somewhere lamenting!