déjà vu
a fleeting feeling
that goes away
but the emotions stay
and for that second,
you’re alone.
you may be be surrounded
by loved ones
by friends
by laughter,
but if you’ve been here before,
what’s the point?
am I even real?

Depression is a blanket,
A place to rest my head.
It hurts when I am somber,
But won't hurt when I am dead.

I’m spiraling,
Stuck in the void,
Flushed,
At the end of the universe,
Drifting dark,
Still,
Terrified,
Cold,
Guilty,
Alone,
Then a voice snaps me back
To the light...
But I am blind.

I bleed a bit to find the words
I dig deep,
Uncovering things I’m afraid of seeing.
Maybe I should turn around
But for the sake of expression
And finding beauty in pain,
I will do it over and over and over
Again.

I wait for your reply
I am a puppy dog
Seemingly naive to the time passing by
But the tick-tock rattles to my very teeth
Please undo the collar
Unbuckle my leash
I wag when you enter, cry when you leave
What else could you want from me?
I need attention
I want to run free
Or, you could give me some affection...
Just hit send
And that would put my suffering to an end

This is to the person
Who lives the way I do...
Whose life is a distortion
Created by the veil
That covers our minds from the truth
That living like this is hell:
The moments you overreact,
You cry and have panic attacks
The moments that you’re in your bed
When demons inhabit your head
When you push away those that you love
Because being yourself is too much
This is to those with this
Distortion,
Distortion that lives in your brain,
Beneath every single headache and then cracked between the pain.

Don’t let me doubt.
If you let your doubt out,
I’ll never see the light of sun.
Not above not below
Not ever, not anymore.  
There are sparks in my eyes,
A flame that’s dim
Don’t let it go out
Don’t let it out.
The color of your blue sky interlaced
With the brights of my eyes.
It keeps me alive.
Letting me down,
Letting my doubt run free
Planting seeds to never see them sprout,
It still leaves these weeds inside of me.
See these weeds,
Something you’ve never heard
Words you’ll say again
Green grows out of my mouth
Faster faster
Harboring the in the arbor of my mind
My truth, your lies.
Is it your truth or is it mine?
I’m quiet.
It hurts.
Every breath of life feels worse
The doubt the doubt the doubt
It sprouts and grows
But none of this you’ll ever know.
I’m captured and I can’t be found.
Again I ask,
Don’t let your doubt out.

There are things inside my head that overwhelm me
I’m not sure if I’m overreacting
I don’t know if it’s just me who feels this way,
But I am too overwhelmed to get it out of my head
But I’m screaming internally because it’s all too much
I know I need to do something but I’m too paralyzed to do anything.

He's embarrassed,
I'm just too much to bear.
The way I have my body
And the way I cut my hair.
He's embarrassed,
There's a problem in my walk
Even problems in my posture
And the way I like to talk.
I was never really bothered,
I didn't really care...
Until he was embarrassed of
Me, his daughter.
He's embarrassed I go to therapy.
Me, his daughter.
He's embarrassed I have anxiety.
Me.

I guess I'm just too embarrassing...

I am living in a capsule
I am shielded from outside forces,
hurting
pain
and
sallow emotions

these are orange

I am shielded by this boundary
that my mind constructed
A prisoner to my own ways
forever defending me
from your
rude
and stabbing
jagged jars

and your

sharp
and jarring
warnings

these are red

it may sound nice
that I am immune

this is blue

But the privilege of the good emotions
all the
warm
and happy
delicious laughs

which are yellow

I no longer have

because I am a prisoner
of cause and effect-
you cause and I deflect

Now I am an outsider on the inside
forever watching all the colors
as they
bounce off my capsule wall.

I want to be an enigma
I want the words to fall out of my head
And into your hand
Or maybe into nothingness,
That would be better
I’m begging to feel nothing
And I’m dying to feel something
Just let me disappear, God
Let me fade away
For Forever
~

Everything is bad
My brain hurts
My thoughts are painful
My brows are tense
My jaw is tight
My heart is fluttering
Everything is me

"I don't want to exist sometimes."
Dear God forbid those words reprise
"Be careful who you tell these rhymes."
The therapist looked and checked the time
As if waiting for the clock to chime
Next time I'll come, look in her eyes
Then smile and tell happy lies.

Like seeing the ghosts of the people I loved
I scan through crowds and avoid their faces
Faces as magnets attract my eyes
My vision is blurry, it's time to go
I stumble through hallways
My head hangs low,
Avoiding those faces as magnets.

The girl with the piercings
The guy with tattoos
That person whose hair is a dark grayish blue

Those people have faces as magnets.

I’m too smart to fail
I’m too good to mess up
I’m too pretty to be insecure
I’m too talented to be doubtful
I’m too perfect to be anxious
I’m too loved to hate myself

I wish this was the truth.

my face goes weak
my heart goes numb
because if i were self-aware
in these little moments,
the fake laughter
would be, oh
so obvious.

Today I felt sad
But that’s okay
Just let me feel something

Won’t look out the window when she knocks for fear of a Ghost of An Angel.
He made a mistake, so he’s outcasted
But it’s not bad.
Just because something hurts doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Stitches allow you to heal, and until you do you’ll be a Ghost of An Angel.
We’ll be waiting.

I think I’m cool...
Some say I’m golden
But I really feel invisible.
I give,
But it feels more like it’s taken from me.
I need someone to see me,
Really see me.
See me for who I am,
My quirks,
My likes,
My favorite song and the way I dance when no one is looking.
Those closest to me feel “close enough”
So I need someone to cross the line
And become closest to me.
Once I’m warmed by them,
I might feel golden.

We’re stuck in a web
Inter-connected
Hyper-connected
But sometimes some get lost
They become a diaspora
Of goners.
Once here
And now
Disappear

I think there is beauty in the fine lines
Hands that bend and crack
I never saw it there before
But something old is something new
I’m waiting for my own crown of wisdom
Youth is a treacherous heart
So I pass the many years waiting
For those many gray hairs, waiting
But until then I’ll just watch and listen
And maybe learn along the way

guilt,
i invited him in for coffee and tea
he lives in my house
so i might as well try
to understand the reason why
he's never been a friend to me
but pays the rent on time.

Guilt,
Spotted on my bones
Spilled along my guts
Crawling up my spine
To greet my eyes with tears.

I wish I could go back and say sorry
I’m still young, and back then I was even dumber
Forgive me for things I’ve said,
Because hindsight is 20/20
But most of all,
Forgive me for things I did
And maybe the guilt will go away

Did you think you could hear me?
I speak calmly, but I'm screaming!
A tale of two people,
One happy, one sad
Will always be playing cat
and dog inside of me
My thoughts are their playground
My actions, their command
I am demented, love
I will always be tormented
By one arguing with the other
Therefore, I urge
Do not try to save me
For we will both fall