I've written a thousand ways I'll miss you
when we no longer speak and
that time has come
cause you don't talk to me late at night
you don't send me songs I've already heard and
I don't  play along
I don't listen to your music
I don't dance to your music and I don't dance with you

I still miss laughing with you and
the last time I saw you felt like we were starting over
but maybe we were just saying goodbye

Now I'm six hours ahead and I'm
pretty sure you're still taking her to bed
So now is goodbye, this is not see you later
This is not me waiting for you
This is me learning not to reach for
something that shouldn't be here

I imagined you next to me for a thousand years
but maybe our time together, comfortably laughing
was only meant to be fleeting
maybe your free spirit was only meant to leave

I'll never know why you
entered my life like a hurricane
and left me deserted
never know if you ever loved me
or cared
never know if you were lying
or are as confused as you seem

our goodbye is likely forever
you built walls and left them
running to the mountains searching for
yourself inside someone else
its cliche and I always thought you were unique
but maybe you're just like the rest
just a lost boy running from reality

I ought to stop writing bout you
and yearning for us to begin again
cause you're a lost boy and
my messages will never reach you

Wanna say hello,
want you to say hello
want you to reach out but I
gotta say goodbye
goodbye to your old car
to your plain bagels and adidas sneakers
goodbye to your black dog, and kind parents
goodbye to laying on the couch
to driving through the streets late at night
goodbye to tequila shots and dancing
to laughing and missing trains
to who we were and will never be
hello to the future
goodbye my love

haven' written in a while
its not cause I haven' been inspired
just been traveling the world
and growing into myself
been growing into the world
maybe its cause I don' feel the same
pain anymore or cause I don'
think bout you anymore
which isn' quite true but I don'
think about you like I used to

Tomorrow,
I leave
and dear
I'm afraid
that you
won't
miss me

Cause I
know I'll
think of
your guitar,
your hands
my hands
your laugh,
and dance

Cause I
know I'll
listen to
your music
when I'm
homesick
or else try
to remember
your eyes,
your words

But will you
miss my piano,
my hands
your hands
my laugh,
my car
will you phone me
just to hear
my voice again

Will we even
Say goodbye

Do we have to

Or have we
already

My dad loves me most when he's drinking
he cares about me transiently
so maybe thats why I
look for gyspy love
maybe I like the surprise of
not knowing if you'll love me tomorrow
or maybe it's just what
I deserve

At the end of a long day
and night soaked in tears
its always you
that I find
myself searching for
hoping to see you
at the bottom of
my drink or
lighting up my phone

Nobody can ever match up
or stand up
to you
even though you have
not taught me what love looks like
instead what love feels like
that is,
you do not show me love or
hold it in the palm of your hand
I feel it when I sit across from you
and laugh

Trips to New York City
Audrey Hepburn
Online shopping and
weekends I cried my soul out
My walls tell a story

Quotes that made me feel something
tickets from my
happiest days
Fabric birds from a place
where my heart belongs
My walls tell a story

How my ex boyfriends mom
treated me like her own daughter
Days my dad treated me
like his daughter
My walls tell a story

Tucked away in the top drawer
on the right hand side of my desk
is a photo that tells the beginning of the story
it used to be a piece of the map on my wall
but now, it sleeps hidden
beneath my wall of tales and better times
It marked the beginning
of what I believed to be my happy ending
the week I'll never forget
It still tells a story,
our story but
doesn't deserve to be on display
only taken out for the eyes that I choose
I hide all of my folded photos,
my stained memories

my drawers are over filling with misconceptions and insecurities
My drawers tell a story

I need to clean up but my back hurts my heart aches
My floor tells a story

I'm just too tired
It's best I sleep
My bed tells a story

All while I remain silent  
I'm trying to forget why I
feel sad but I keep tripping
over my regrets and
Old mistakes

I'm sick of these stories
Get rid of these stories
Break down my walls
Happy times are mocking me cause
I don't feel happy any more
Can't make good memories anymore
Cause the people I made them with
left and left my walls shaking
crumbling but reminding me
My walls tell a story

I saw you in my dream last night
and now all I can think of is
our pixie dust encounter cause
we were so in love,
in my dream
We were so alive,
in my dream
But I woke up and
I was still alive -
still breathing
Not dreaming cause
I don't need you
Just want you
Just miss you

I'm flattered cause
I hurt you and
you forgave me
I didn't need you and
you still came back
But there is no flattery in
mediocrity
You're so much more miraculous
than your efforts
I'm just looking for reciprocity

You can barely take care of yourself
Barely feed yourself
How can I expect you to
care for me when
you seem to mistake
alcohol for water?

Crowded rooms may make you feel
like you're being swaddled
by a thousand arms but
I can tell you that there is no warmth like
being held by someone who
loves you back or
being held by someone who
can make you laugh
and has seen you cry
Being held by two small arms and
a girl filled with fire will make you feel
like you're dreaming
before you even shut your eyes
We've been there before -
arms entangled
heart strings entangled
forced by Time to
let go but stay entangled

I don't think you've forgotten just
Ran away and strangled
with new girls who
haven't seen you cry
Cause there's obligation in devotion

You don't wanna hurt someone who's
helped you through it all before
Don't wanna hurt someone
thats healed you

There's no denying
you love me
You told me so
just a few months back

I'm the girl in your dreams
We just meet in our dreams cause
We're both one part courage, one part broken and
there's nothing sleeping can't fix so
I sleep, to see you
I sleep, to fix you

We wake up alone, go to sleep alone
You're sick of counting sheep, well so am I
Why do we hide beneath the sheets that
we've been between together
I remember what you said between mine:
that you've always felt this way
Three years you've felt this way
Three years of telling me 'bout your girlfriends still
you've always felt this way

It wasn't a dream
I'll keep on waking up missing you
Cause you keep depending on
time and place when
what's important is time and faith
I guess I'll keep sleeping,
Cat napping and
Day dreaming

I sleep to dream of the day when I
won't wake up missing you when I
won't go to sleep talking to you through a screen when I
won't doubt that you'll stay or
that we're on the same page cause
we'll be in the same bed
Though, I've learned from experience that sharing space and
sharing feelings aren't mutually exclusive

Dad leaving taught me not to expect forever but Dad doing his best forced me to learn to forgive
So maybe that's why I see the good in the people that are worst for me cause I learned to love Dad through the hurt
Learned love like forgiveness I mean
forgiveness is my love language so
I can't love until I've been wronged first

I've learned gypsy love
I have loved across borders and
in between so many walls, my love has no home
My love is in the air between everyone I meet
I mean everyone that leaves
I forgive everyone that leaves

I'm ready to run and dance
which is to say I'd rather dance cause
I can never forgive myself for running
Though I've made a ***** habit of it

All this moving, vagabond exploring, has got me tired
maybe it's best I sleep -
Sleep and dream so I can love in stillness
like laying next to you and feeling your chest expand
Lungs dancing but feet still
I am not going anywhere, I will not run
from you
or after you
So now, let's rest
I'll dream forgiveness

When you say that
I am better than him
You are forgetting that
He and I are both grown from
The same sandy soil

We may have sprouted differently
But to write him off is to
write me off too
As if my roots
and my stalk
and my flower
are not one

Well friend,
The most beautiful flowers have
The deepest roots
Mine, are intertwined with his
(Though I do not need him
to thrive)
Our stories, can not be separated cause
We've been through the rain
and mud
and beating wind
together

Even if we
flower in
incongruous seasons
neither of us are
better or
worse or
less full of life

How can someone with
the same ***** soul be
unworthy of my time?

I never agreed to share you with
other sets of sheets and girls with long hair
I was all yours
But you weren't all mine
Maybe that's why I feel robbed
of a missed opportunity
I was nineteen and
maybe naive but
I thought you told me that you cared cause
you never wanted to hurt me
Forgive me for thinking better
of you

We are quick to talk about the day like
How zen we're feeling or
what we saw on the news
Mother, you ask how I am doing
and pause when you ask if I am anxious cause I
know you're afraid that I'll say yes
So I don't tell you when I stay in my apartment for days on end or
how he broke my heart cause
those are all reminders of how things were

I've nearly forgotten about the divorce and
cancer and
death cause
Right now is too much to handle
I'm scared I'll end up alone and
not in the common sense but instead
without companionship cause
my friends keep leaving
But you, mother you keep staying so I'll keep
telling you bout the weather and
what I made for lunch

Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just
let myself fail
Drop out of school and work
like the people I thought I'd grow old with
Maybe they'd still love me if
I wasn't zooming past them
I've travelled to more countries than they have states and I love them regardless of course but
I'm not sure they love me regardless
Maybe I'm too much or
Not enough or
we just can't relate anymore
I spend more time studying and sober
than I do with liquor so
maybe our priorities aren't the same but
I'm not sure why that's reason enough to
up and leave
can't you see I'm still the same me
just me manifesting my dreams
I'm here I haven't left
I never thought that leaving for college would
mean people would leave my life

Mother, I know things change but
This wasn't as I planned
These girls were supposed to be my surrogate sisters
We promised
they promised
So why'd they leave
Mom please don't leave

I had been
putting out your fires for years
So no wonder you
mistook me for kindling
And lit me on fire just to
keep you warm
Your hands shook
as you lit the match
But I, stood still cause
I was blinded by your light
I've risen from the ashes
I may not be fireproof but
**** am I resistant
I mean resilient

You reached for the extinguisher
Too little too late
You had already taken
to a new girl to dry out
before she would go up
in flames
I loved her, too
But she watched me burn
Just so she could have you

So why am I so eager
to forgive the arsonist
Even though he's
suffocating and
won't ask for the oxygen
he needs
Before we know it
he'll mistake himself for
kindling too

Its time we let go of the notion
that our greatness is something to hide in our back pockets
lest we scare away a man

You say I am strong
as if that will make my sadness melt away but
No amount of strength or grace
could make me forget the pain
I may come out stronger in the end
Or maybe, injured, damaged
Right now, I'm still struggling to lift this weight above my head
I'm just trying to stay upright

I can only fall asleep when I dream of you
Cause I need the hope of your return to
get through the day
and night
I want to let go but
my heart won't let me
not yet

It was the end of my relationship with him
and I was crying while he was between my legs cause I knew this was just the beginning
He was leaving and I felt stuck
Nothing makes sense when the one thing that made sense doesn't wanna be here anymore
I cried and shook - losing control
but when he looked up at me he thought I was happy, shaking with joy or overwhelmed with pleasure
He found himself proud as he looked through the lens of his own ego

That night I learned what it felt like to be loved through a piece of glass
As if I am not loved for who I am but who I'm perceived to be- who they want me to be,
my image is distorted and trapped
But all I want is forever

Forever to start today and you to never leave but maybe I've put on glasses of my own
I see you as a broken thing that just needs to be hugged so tight your pieces will fit together again
I think you've lost some pieces along the way
Maybe that is why you're still soul searching
When we touch I cut myself on your rough shards

I put on my glasses and see you as my other half cause my lens are half made of mirrors
I'm looking at myself
I see loving you as a way to fix myself
I just want to love myself
I mean, I just want to love you
I mean, I just want you to love me
But all I do is hurt myself
All you do is hurt me

I'm convinced that you wouldn't see a reflection of your ego in my tears
But you broke my heart when you left without a trace
cause you needed more girls' arms to hold your edges and love you
isn't that the same **** thing?

My friends don't forgive you and
Don't wanna hear me talk about you any more
But I tried to fix you and I shattered
I tried to love you and I shattered
The only way I can feel whole again is to talk bout the pieces of me you pocketed
our song plays to the beat of my heart everyday
No wonder I sound like a broken record

It was the beginning of us and
I shook with excitement - electrified
tears came later when you shocked me
my heart stopped

Maybe it's not our end
and I hope that
you see me as I see you now
with clear eyes
ready to forget the past

if a time should come when I know your face no longer
remember us comfortably shirtless, talking and laughing in the car
Leave the resentment to the wind and
let's not speak of heartbreak any longer
just remember our hearts wide open
ready to love, vulnerable
beating together- racing to let go first
running from our emotions
as if time was limited
the world was ours and we let it fall through our fingers
I hope to see you again, comfortably shirtless, talking
But if I don't, tell them of our laughter and poetry
That it felt as if our souls were one
Smile, when they ask about me

Who's to say
that tomorrow, you'll be any more ready than you were yesterday
that soon enough your demons will be gone and nothing will hold you back
or even circumstances will be different

Stop waiting for life to change as an opportunity to change your life
you can not hold it off, much longer
it must come from you first

You were not a mistake I made
But leaving, you made one

You were tomorrow's promise
cause knowing you'd be in my future
helped me get through today

But you left
Then tip toed back
only for a second

So now, I don't know if
you'll be there when the sun comes up
Or if someone else will be waiting to tangle in my sheets

I heard you wrapped yourself in her the way you once did with me
Is that what you call a goodbye?

I have had my heart broken far too many times by broken promises and misconceptions
but no ruin could prepare me for the pain of betrayal by a friend
Her ability to walk away, and scorn me is terrifying
Is this what it had all been about?

Traveling taught me that I can find God in places other than your arms
Religion is on continents you haven't touched and I've seen love in eyes that don't belong to you
There is plenty of world left to explore
so I know that I will be alright

Inexplicably we are drawn together
as if Fate tied our heart strings tight so that each beat is felt in unison- inescapable empathy
We can not cut the chord, She will not let us
So let's make our story a song and play her till our hearts resolve

Perhaps we find it so easy to forgive each other cause it is the only way to forgive ourselves

Forgetting you means survival when
I care means nothing cause
Your actions mean I'm not good enough or
Maybe they mean she's easier but
not talking doesn't help
you define best friend or
future or
3 am phone calls
So why don't you just talk
and mean what you say

The hardest decision you'll ever make is the right one

There is no way
to write about a
heart break so deep
you are not sure it is
still beating

This is the work of
betrayal of
best friends of
soul mates

This is where sin meets
body where
nobody bothers with
excuses because words
mean nothing anymore because
survival means silence

How strange it is
that pieces of things are what we love the most:
wood whittled down to furniture or
metal melted down to jewelry
We compartmentalize life into parts- palpable intangibles
Why is it then that we are constantly seeking out completeness:
happy endings or even just an ending when
passing moments mean more than
we give them credit for

A short exchange can redirect the course of a day and yet
we wait for tomorrow as if there is any control over it
Only after we make peace with our pieces, can we feel whole
A dozen roses is a notion of love instead of
an entire bush
That is to say we pick flowers to
hand over a piece of ourselves
As long as we are giving,
parts of us can be found
around the world

I have given so much to
people that give nothing in return
only take and so
I know I will never be whole
again
Unless, I learn to keep my arms open
instead of handing out my pieces to
unrequited lovers and confidants

My brokenness has allowed me to take new form and
lost pieces leave holes to be filled
with glitter glue and laughter
Each break means I will just
be that much more unique
Not cracked or flawed
Rather parts of me and everyone I meet,
memories and gifts
make me whole

Maybe one day
I'll look back, and you will too
On the three times
I was just but a number for you
Five nights I spent with you as mine
And six months crying over him,
My number has not gone up in over two years
But I have helped the three of you "men"
after giving my heart away though
you didn't want it

I am sorry that sometimes
when I'm telling you about a movie
I ruin the ending
But for some reason
when I'm with you
I can feel my soul
spilling from my lips - ready
set go & trying to fit forever into a moment;
laughing like everything makes sense
for once -
Souls colliding
I loose all control over reason
cause I am ready to share
my everything (memories::moments::emotions)
with you

Sitting across from you I see forever in your eyes

He has finally learned what love tastes like
without your name on his lips and
when you broke his heart you
lost the chance to
ever make him feel whole
or at home
again
I will not apologize for
letting him find me-
among the clutter or
listening to and
hearing  him

I ask you now to
do our feminitity a favor and
learn now how to build other women up
rather than tearing me down for
just loving in ways you
never would
or else
do it for our mutual love so that
he can heal and
learn what it means to feel whole again:
outside the context of a woman

It does not serve the world well to
tear us down for not needing you anymore
Rather let go of
the glass you shattered cause
you'll wind up hurting yourself too

I still have your single black sock-
It is a reminder that I am not the only one who
lost something
when you left:
misfit parts of you are still sprinkled across my bedroom
(it is a lesson for the both of us)
what else am I to do?