Life is the most stubborn unrequited lover

How melancholy it is to love something so unconditionally but to
wish she would love you back and
give you another reason to love her

Instead, Life fights my love and
makes me want to give up -
on myself

I first met you in sophomore year gym class
We were robbed of a formal introduction but yet I still remember you
It is almost like my heart was telling my brain to hold onto your name a little longer- that I was not getting rid of you anytime soon
I am thankful for that

(We finally had a formal introduction at the beach, I remember the exact picnic table)

50 minute obligatory car rides turned into spontaneous joy rides- you surprising me at my house, just to drive around
We talked about our teachers and classmates, our heart break and happiness

Now, on the brink of adulthood I wish you'd just trust fate the way she has trusted us
******* none of this was accidental
We both have been so broken- we both are so cautious but still let's
take the risk
I've latched onto you telling me that you can't wait to drive a mini van- to be a dad
Because deep down, I want that future with you

Your sock is still playing hide n seek in my drawer
I can not bring myself to throw it out
Or toss it
Instead I let it squat between my own black socks and torn tights
It is the last thing I have to hold onto

Your chameleon touch has made even the most familiar things remind me of you first
childhood days blanketed by you

The train tracks no longer mean days racing bikes but rather
A delayed arrival and you turning around just to wait with me and
Almost missing my train just to lay with you for another minute

I am not sure that this is how it ought to be
You taking jurisdiction over my memories because you're fickle and elusive and damaged and wonderful

train approaching
please stand behind the yellow line

I'm waiting; I hope you make it on time or
At least turn around again

I, do not have any regrets
You, really should
This is not a break up poem
This is not a girl power poem
This is not a ******* poem
No
Cause I am still heartbroken
In a way I never expected
You see
Leaving me was not the worse decision you have made
Rather leaving yourself was
Where did
      those sunshine eyes go?
      those rocky dreams and
      smooth smooth words
Now everything that leaves your lips have an edge
Even your touch is no longer soft
The world made you hard
And I am sorry
if our love is at all to blame,
I am sorry but
You can not hide behind regrets
Especially when
There are none there to begin with
Give your mother a hug for me and please
Tell her
that I am sorry
Because we both loved our six foot tall teddy bear two years ago even if
he is still standing right in front of us
He is no longer there
And that loss
That absence
Is the hardest to forget

The first time he kissed me, my friends assured me that I was just another body
I dutifully disagreed- "I am special"
The second time he kissed me, I learned pretty fast that my friends were right
I need not be
I am not special I am just
A woman

When a stranger wrapped his scarf around my chest,
His foreign accent fondling me with the words explaining that
he would be jealous to see other men looking at me I smiled
politely and waited to be dug out by my friends nearby because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Hearing a whistle blown towards my general direction I bow my head, ignore all of the "hey baby"sand "que linda"s
Shrinking into myself I hope to disappear from the street because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Walking the city alone, I make sure to act as if nobody is there hoping with futility
That maybe if they can not be seen then I will not be seen either
Although I do not need to try so hard to become invisible because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Waiting to hear from you and allowing myself to be passive with our fate I rehearse that I am just another kiss, another body for you to call home because
I am not special I am just
The body of woman

These days I do not measure my worth in pounds on the scale because
That number is far too large- far too significant
Instead I look to the tags inside my pants because they represent how much space I do not take up

Exploring the streets I am constantly checking how many shadows are following behind me
What turns they're taking and how far behind they are
My escape routes are already planned for the inevitable because
no matter how significant I truly am, that is always compensated for through the insignificance of my body no-
Our bodies, women
We are miraculous, glory filled temples
It is not our fault that no matter how much fabric we try to hide behind we are always ****** beings that
Our accomplishments are that much more revered because we had to overcome our womanhood first that
Woman is a necessary adjective to frame titles or context because
Without it one will assume a man is being spoken of
Each day is a cause for celebration because each sunset marks another day of survival but the morning sunrise alerts us for another day at war

Floating down the street,
coddled by the roll of Spanish tongues,
I have never felt more alive than
feeling *** burn my stomach
Blood flowing, giddy
The mountains, my North Star,
peek over the crumbling buildings and
yearning to break through the clouds
Quiet noise rumbles
Even the air tastes different here
My Spanish is broken but my heart is whole
My mind has stopped wandering and my hands stopped searching
I am so alone in the most lovely way -
surrounded by millions of people and miles away from those who hold my heart
I am defined by who I am in this moment
No grades, or tears or memories have followed me here
Finally, my joy is independent
Exclusively made by my own beating heart
to be shared with the world

I have tried to write you a thousand times
But all I can muster is hello
I have held my pen in hand a hundred times
But all I can scribe is please
I have talked of you ten times
But all I can say is hope
I have waited for you one life time
And all I can think is finally
*Hello, my dear. Please take a chance with me, it only requires a little hope. We have our chance, finally.

Two lips
months ago intertwined
after the ball dropped
the kiss seemed merely transient
at least, to the laughter around
the couch hugged us and breathed forever
each new day reminded me of New Year's
three months don't seem too long, after three years
except for when every "now", "serious" and "care" can wink
at me infinity, your words spinning around like
our lips that night, and the next
and the next; now I only
know for certain what I
can see, waiting
like May's
tulips

I have learned to never name anything that does not belong to me
My past tells me that the future is flighty, and I have to stop trying to tie her down
Perhaps, if I can just hold down the future today, then I can stop worrying about tomorrow
I never make a promise that I can not keep, that is to say
I never make promises
You were supposed to come up today
and even though you had complete control over it,
you were too busy

Its been me and you, kid
for seventeen years
Or rather
it was me and you,
for sixteen years
I am sorry if you are broken
or lost
or really do feel like you were born
into the wrong body but
there is no escaping the feeling
of loss
when the little girl I wore a matching cheetah skirt with
is no longer there
I tried to help you all those years
Your pain was felt through my own bones
Every cut you made
Every razor you had
Made me bleed too
Please just understand
like I did all those years
that this is so hard for me
Your favorite color was orange
You loved the Macy's Day Parade
and Disney Movies
But now I don't even know you anymore
you with your ****** hair
deep voice
It is easy to be accepting until you feel abandoned

At four in the morning
You'll find me
at the corner of drunk and alive
Perhaps I am just practicing being alone through the darkness
I am electrified awake
Making laps around myself
hands passing from my stomach to my back to my thigh
trying to escape this bed and body but also
remembering what its like to
explore someone else's body
I hear the cars hiss through the rain outside
Insomnia is a jealous thief
Stealing my sleep
the birds giggle with her outside my window
she lets fear slowly coax me out of my slumber
Aware of my surroundings but trapped
Trying to find my voice
legs moving as if trying to get somewhere
run somewhere
but still I am fixed to my mattress
Disoriented but cognizant
Insomnia is boasting with pride
before the sun even rises

To only remain sad after a death, is to live life selfishly.  
But, to brush over heartache with a smile is only going to disrespect your loved one.  
Do justice, have the strength show the world your sadness, but do not forget to wipe the dust off your heart.  
Experience life, that is the best way to serve those who have lost theirs

I told my first lie at the age of 5
I told the grocery store cashier that I was 4 years old
My mother called me on my bluff, but she did not realize that this was more than a cute slip up
The only truth in that was that I was terrified of growing up
I longed to find my way to Neverland
I've been lost ever since
Searching, for the answer
I have come close, a few times
17 years into my hunt, I saw both the earth and sky in his green and blue eyes
The fountain of youth flowed through his lips
The second star was right in front of me, shining from his gold strands of hair
Inhaling sweet smoke, we were high enough to fly away
Or so I thought
I forgot the pixie dust, and also forgot about Neverland
Instead I yearned for the future with him

When he left, time stopped
I did not age, and the world around me was frozen
I started praying to the stars that they would one day let me join them
I have stopped trying to fly because you
keep me grounded
I do not want to go away to a world without your voice
Please, sing your future into my present
Paint me in pixie dust
Let me feel your magic
Tell me about what fears follow you like a shadow
I wished to the second star, and the third star and the fourth star until you found your way to me
Just don't go back to Neverland, please
That is to say, if you let me go now, I will not ever return

There is nothing romantic about falling  down stairs
Tumbling down granite steps, clothed in a light cotton dress and laughter

There is nothing graceful about falling in love
Stammering out firecracker words, armed with bullet powder breath and suspicion

I tripped into love with you

Rolling down, unsure of what bruises I would walk away with, prescribing each second with a dose of eternity

You have not strolled away yet with your flowing swagger, just as I have not waddled off with my tangled stride

Instead, we are both grasping for a rail to break our fall,
or rather to delay the crash on the base tread

Falling is adrenaline rush wonder
Lets keep falling, together

At the bottom, I will tend to your bruises
So we can take another leap of faith

its best to know that you tried for love's sake

Your smile is splatter painted inside my eyelids,
I close them just to see you again

Your laugh rings throughout the chambers of my heart,
each beat reminds me of why I care so much

Your warm hands are not laced between my delicate fingers,
every knuckle snickers that you're not here

Your voice does not strike my ear drums,
Waves of silence roar the song of distance

Soon enough your hands will warm mine, your voice will be the reason for my smile, and yours? Well I will get to see it again with eyes wide open

We're  as lonely as we let ourselves be -
tonight,
meet her in her cold car so you'll feel warm
again,
I take a white pill so I'll feel all right
again.
Unable to sleep
again.
Swallow her breath
again.
I'll swallow the pill
again.
"Hey"
again.
"I miss you"
again.

You will keep calling her to quell your insomnia and
I will keep taking the tablet with a cup of my pride
until I wipe the lonely from your lips and
you let me be your only.

I find joy in our silence (because there is no tale to tell)
A story implies a beginning, a middle, an end
So forgive me if I am guarded,
I am afraid to start something (that I want to last forever)
Whisper me love
Sing me the words you cant speak
Lay with me, look to the stars (hold me until forever comes )
Feel this silence (don't try to fill it)
I hope it tickles your skin, reminding you softly of how I need you to stay

I am twenty years old
I don’t sing in the shower,
But I always try to harmonize in the car

My waterbottle is my favorite accessory
I still wear youth large clothes,
And steal from my mom’s closet

I like to wear the color red,
But I usually buy things that are blue, and my favorite color is purple
My thoughts and my actions often don’t match up

I never pay attention in class,
and sometimes focus more on IMDB
than the movie in front of me

I always run out of free article reads online,
but have a tough time reading body language

I used to be vegetarian
I don’t eat salmon
And I am pretty sure ranch dressing goes with everything

I like snapchat
But the idea of big brother scares me
Perhaps its because I am an only child

My hands are always dancing
And my shoes are always laced up to run

I always talking about growing up
As if my future is not already knocking on my door

I don’t think its fair that  we don’t have enough time to be everyone we’d wish to be
That we only get one lifetime to figure it out

I want to be a professional dancer who acts on the side and is a nurse by night
I want to travel the world, but also have a picket fence house
To be a bachelorette for life, but have a family waiting at home

I have been blessed with good health
But I’m not convinced that there isn’t a disease hiding in my abdomen

I have good grades
But somehow I have a hard time making sense of everyday life
I wish I knew what it felt like to be friends with me

But still, I don’t like myself very much
And I don’t like other people either
Or maybe other people don’t like me

I used to love the color gray
Perhaps because I was trying to find comfort in the uncertainty
Or I couldn’t decide whether light or dark made me feel at home

I believe in Sunday mornings,
And rainy days

An overcast sky makes me feel more alive
But if you ask me why,
I probably would not have an answer

I don’t like having my picture taken,
Though always smile when I’m taking someone else’s

I am afraid of tomorrow,
And yesterday’s should haves,
Scare me

I am not very good with a GPS
But being lost never worries me
Except for that one time,
In the woods,
Alone

Probably because being alone feels infinite
And being together feels fleeting
I treasure my alone time, but am
Always missing
You

I’m not sure if this is all worth it,
But for what its worth,
It just might be

When I was a little girl, I absolutely hated getting sandy
I’d play in the sand, sure.  But I’d squat.  I never let my legs lay in the hot grainy sand beneath me.

When I was a little girl, I would not put my stickers on paper or cards, because they were not permanent
I put them on things that would around for forever, like VHS tapes

When I was a little girl, I learned quickly to prevent myself from getting tangled in a ***** mess of disaster.
I’d go through the motions, sure.  But I’d hide.  I never let myself get fully divulged in the cold, charged whirl wind around me.

When I was a little girl, I would not expect people to stay around for long, because nothing is permanent.
I instead focused on things that would be around forever, like my piano.

I say this, dear because I need you to know, that hurt as been around as long as the sand.

You don’t have to explain, I know things will probably get a little messy.  And I do not expect you around forever.

Do not apologize, I am ready.  I expect it.  The futility of love is as confident as the growl the sea makes as it finally meets to the sand.
You crashed into me with relief.  My arms were the shore you have been looking for all this time.
Though you pulled away, and took with you small pieces of me that most would not notice to be missing.  

I say this dear, because I need for things to be this way.  Keep sweeping yourself away, but don’t forget to come soaring back.

When I was a little girl, I did not know you.
And because of this, I did not know how freeing adventure felt
I stayed guarded.
Put on my tube around my waist, and cautiously tip toed into the cold ocean.  I took care not to get my hair wet, and stayed afloat with each wave that came my way
But with you, I have learned to run in, and embrace the uncertainty of the crashing wave. My stomach turns as I am jostled around the sea. Finally gasping for air with a smile wide open ready to accept adventure, that is what makes it all worth it.

When I was a little girl, I finally felt comfort in absence.
It was nothing to be afraid of, because absence was in my control.
But presence, well that depended on both parties, and could disappear before I could even find a permanent object to stick them to.
So forgive me for being afraid that you’ll leave.
I am still searching for something to glue on our fondest memory to.

Ever since I was a little girl, I never really found the appeal of love stories
Those were science fiction to me.  Only in another world could fate work so magically and consistently.

I tell you this dear, because you are my fairytale.  Fate can be fickle, so I am grateful that she brought me to you.

I am no longer a little girl.  But I am still afraid of getting my hair wet.  I still hate wiping sand off my skin. I am still always prepared for the inevitability of forever walking away.

I tell you this dear, because I do not want you to think I am afraid of us.  You have finally made getting a little messy worth it.  But I will stay prepared for you to walk away.

If I filled a pail with all of the words I never said, I would scoop out everything I really meant and
build you a castle,
crumbling with missed opportunity
When I laugh at your jokes, I really wish I could explain how you’re the only thing keeping me alive.
When I send you poems, it is because they make me think of you

We are two soft souls, wrestling to find love
I have found love in you, and I hope you think of me too.

When our lips first touched, it felt like I had finally made it to the day that I had marked in my calendar years ago
Saying goodbye was the day I was expecting
You were my lover lost in my dreams, who found his way to reality

When fear comes knocking at your door, lock it
Call me
I’ll be there in a minute

When pain breaks in through your window,
Do not fight back
Do not run away
Open your arms wide to her,
Embrace her
Then, call me and I will come to embrace you when pain leaves you all alone

If you ever cross sadness on the street, let her keep walking, and hold your head high
Do not make eye contact
Continue forth, you will make it to the other side

I hope that your happiness radiates from the sun
And when it rains down hard, just look for the split of the clouds
I will hold your umbrella

Some days, the monsoon rain will flood your heart with despair
But do not worry, I will toss a life saver to your soul and pull you in close, I promise to never let go

Hurt will come disguised as opportunity with light hair with bright eyes
Do not regret welcoming her
She just made room for love to move in

I will cover your walls with laughter and fill the air with I love yous
You can rest upon my love after a long day, I won’t mind

Just promise me this,
Promise me that you won’t move out unexpected, leaving me vacant
Call my hands home, and promise to me, that you will never leave them with nothing to hold

Chapter 1: Lie-Lie-Lie or else bye-bye-bye
“How have u been?”
“good, thanks :)”

Chapter 2: What are you hiding, anyways?
Well not really my shoulders feel light, but the weight of the world seems to be pressing down on my chest as I lay in bed

Chapter 3: Why?
I have been meaning to tell you, but how do I cough out the words?

Chapter 4: Be honest (with yourself, only)
I feel as though Mother Earth has taken hold of my neck and pushing on my sternum, I gasp for breath, but as I finally get a full inhale, my air is pushed right out of me
I lay, watching the world go by

I feel mother’s hand cover my mouth with her other hand, muffling my cries for help
I grip onto my fondest memories for hope, my happiest times run through my brain like a double feature movie
I lock eyes with mother, as she holds me down
I see the fear in her eyes
Mother nature does not want to do this to me, it was just my luck of the draw
My pleading eyes beg her to fill me up with the antidote
Theres a fix for this feeling, I know it
I finally get up, I swallow the two white battleship pills, and I pray that they work
My day has begun, and I start my routine
I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, put in my contacts
I then go right to my bed and meticulously make it
I get dressed, pants first
Next is makeup, then I put on my shirt
I decorate my wrists and fingers with jewelry
I sit down, pull my black socks over my feet, lace my shoes and prepare to leave
I do this routine every day
In order, bathroom bed, pants, makeup, shirt, jewelry
I do not go deviate from this sequence; schedules rule my life
My fingers take turns touching my thumbs
Pinky, ring, middle, first, middle, ring, pinky, ring, middle, first, middle, ring, pink
The tapping of my fingers keep rhythm for my day, my anxious energy exits through my finger tips, a quick relief
I am endlessly fidgety, my legs dance in circles, swaying as I sit and shuffling as I stand
My fingers pick and **** at my skin, my hair, they rub roughly against the palm of my hand, making sure everything is still there
My eyes, they never stay still
And my mind never rests
It is constantly jumping, jumping, jumping
It gives me a headache
My schedule for my day rolls through my head on an endless loop, I map out all of the options of what people may think of me, and I create routes for how to respond for each scenario
My fingers scratch at my face, smoothing out the impurities
Pinky ring middle first middle ring pinky
My hand goes back to my face, like it is the first time discovering my cheek bones
Pinky ring middle first middle ring pinky
I smooth my lips, pressing them into my teeth
Pink ring middle first middle ring pinky
At 12 pm I’ll get lunch
Pinky ring middle first
Then at 1 I’ll go back to my room
Middle, ring
I’ll have to leave by 1:40 to make it to class
Pinky
Afterwards I’ll nap for 35 minutes, allowing perfect time to get to the gym
Ring, middle, first

Chapter 5: the follow up
“how are you? lol I got distracted, sorry”

**Middle, ring, pinky