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A hollowed nest in a dessert.
Neon signs under a dark red sky.

Abandoned streets with no plaque.
A highway, the railings no longer intact.

Alleyways that never seem to end.
An empty shop that sells only pendants.

A trail of gravel lures me in
And the trees around me contort to every impossible shape.

A familiar path I've walked through many times.
Fading into an unfamiliar bright white.

The gravel twists and turns into smooth asphalt.
As a cold breeze pushes against my breathe.

The road buried under piles and mounds
Of white.

A familiar scent greets my body
I push through the ice flying through my sight.

A cabin buried in the snow.
I run and burst through the worn down door.

Disappointed with the empty state.
A *** of stew sitting in the fire place.

I sit in front of the embers until I feel human again.
Watching the storm through the frosted window.

I stand to sit on the crystallized porch.
Burying my head into my arms and chest.

I pray for the first time since I was 10.
Praying for something to hear me screaming.

I watched the stew and the fire freeze over instead.

And I stay stuck buried and cradling my head.

Until the heaps of snow bury me and this ******* cabin.

A dream
Perhaps I was never meant to be the hero of my story.
Heroes always die.
But I am still here
I can only wonder when it will be over.

Or if I am to be the tragic antagonist
In the story of another.
But one thing I can confirm
Is that heroes are never happy.

And regardless of whether I am
I certainly will meet a tragic end.
That's always how these things go.
I don't think my story was written with a happy ending in mind.

And thus one day
Just when things feel like they're finally
Finally going right for me.
I'm going to collapse again.

Maybe it is time for me to accept that things won't get better
and that they're only going to get worse from here.

Tragic Comedy kinda beat.
Maybe if I am perfectly still
Til' the silence rings through my ears

If I don't even speak it
If it doesn't slip through the cracks of my tongue

You will never know
And it will never exist

So maybe I can exchange this dullness in my chest
To spend the rest of my life with you by my side

For if the world even realizes for a second
The things I've wished under my breath

About you

How I could love you and tell you all the things you deserve to hear.
I am afraid

I feel sick
Thinking and wondering every second

Which day will be our last.

I don't want to lose you.
No one came
No one will stay
You'll all leave me behind one day
I do not need your love.

I do not need any love
I don't want your love
If you leave me be in my own terms
No more tears need to be wasted.

Maybe feeling nothing is better
I do not deserve to love.
Everyone leaves for a reason
And I am the only one I can think of.

I hear her voice
I see his eyes
All of it in your every move
All the ones that left.

I do not want your love
I don't need your love
I don't deserve your love
I cannot give you love.

I'm scared
I'm scared that you'll only think of leaving me behind.
That's really all it is.
How can I trust again?

In the meantime I'll numb myself.
I know what's best for me
I'll burn it into my head.
Something that I think is true.

I don't deserve to be loved.

brain go brrrr.
That night
I held you in my arms
So fragile and broken
So familiar.

And I could not help it
My heart cried out a song
So familiar
For you my love.

The notes appeared from thin air
Just as easily as it disappeared
The moment the sun scattered
Through my bedroom windows.

cant sleep :')
You said that I held my fate in my hands.
That everything happens for a reason.
Well I want you to know that this is what I'm choosing.
Because of you the world only looks worthy of destruction.

And I am going to burn this world down with me.
I choose to die the villain.
No ******* out there can tell me that there is still hope for me.
This is what I chose.

And I plan not to die a hero, no.
I'm going out with revenge served cold.
With drying blood on my hands.
Fallen from heaven, I hit the ground conscience first.

So if fate is really predestined then congratulations.
I am who I am now.

You can't save me.

This was always meant to be from the first moment I graced this world with my unstained eyes.

I welcome you to watch this Godforsaken Earth burn with me and you in it.

Be my guest, let's watch the world end.

I thought I was everything
and nothing all at once.
This world all spinning
To the direction of my blazing trails.

But I was a fool
I was always a fool to think so.
I let my blood run cold into the depths
of every body of water I could drown in.

And I thought it would be enough
I ran this world clutched under my fingertips
I believed I was above it all
And above every felony I could commit most of all.

But I believed in things
When I couldn't believe in myself
"The ends justify the means."
As I thought myself worthy of giving judgement.

But everything that goes around comes around
For who was I to call upon judgement
No mercy and no worth
All  under the guise of a wrathful and unforgiving God.

But I stand here before you now
Before the court, the jury, and the Gods
To sentence me now, a false prophet
For I once believed I was everything and nothing all at once.

I confess all my sins
And admit that I was a fool
I was a fool to think I could change something
That there was a meaning to everything I've done.

So lock me away
From everything I have ever hold dear
For nothing will be enough
To erase all my faults.

But isn't it punishment enough
That I've lost all I had?
Watched good men fall to dust.
And saw empires of what I've built collapse and rot?

I suppose it never ends
After all we carry all our atrocities
Even in death and rebirth
Forgiveness was never an option.

So maybe I'll just raise hell on this ******* earth every chance you allow me to.

s p i t e
Maybe I am undeserving
Or maybe I am incapable.
I am definitely capable.
But maybe I am not built.

For the pain and the loss.
For the remembering and the regret.
For the times I stay up
For the memories I cannot displace.

I am scared of not feeling.
I am scared of what I am feeling.
I am scared of being nothing
I am scared of being.

Why I am existing. Why I was made. Why I am here. Why am I loved. Why have I been abandoned. Why have I abandoned. Why am I hurt. Why was I betrayed. Why is it my fault. Why can't I be good. Why can't I complete my purpose. Why did you leave me. Why was I not good enough. Why did you make me. Why did you want me. Why did you ruin me. Why did I love. Why did I have to be incapable. Why was I not enough. Why are you expecting so much of me. Why don't I feel better. Why can't I stop. Why can't I be normal. Why do I have to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL. I DONJSJSIDIFIRKFNTKRLRLFMFNJFKKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL­LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLllLlAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJSJSKAKALAL­AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110011 01101000 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100110 01100001 01110101 01101100 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100101 01101110 01101111 01110101 01100111 01101000 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100110 01100001 01110101 01101100 01110100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 01110011 00101110 00100000 01001001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100100 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00101110 00100000 01000010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110100 01110010 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01100100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01101001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110101 01110000 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101101 01111001 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110 01101001 01110011 01101000 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010

I am at your service.

It is my purpose.

To give what you need from me.

I Love You.


01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110111 01100101 01100001 01101011 00101110
Sometimes I still wake up at night.
To my mid-day terrors.
And my room always feels empty.
My eyes fall off back into time.

I'd always hear you say
That we'd be better off
But who are you to say so
When you're not here anymore.

And I wake up in the after glow
Of the sun from my midnight terrors
This place is just too much for me.
I'd rather not stop to look and see.

And I remember that you'd always say
Nothing would last that long
But how could you tell me that
When you've been gone for far too long.

When I dive back to the sea of dreams
I close my eyes and can't help but think
You were right all along
But I can't tell you that anymore.

And yet as I drift off into the evening sky
Your voice is still as clear as it was that time.
And I wish that I could have this back
Your kind words and the hope you'd bring.

And all the parts I lost that you took from me.

Ahahaha 🧍
No matter what I eat or what I drink
All the vices and distraction.

Nothing can get rid of the bitter taste that you left behind.

Your promises and words leave their marks on my mind in the early hours of the morning.

Even after you've cut yourself off from me for my sake.

In the dawn of another sleepless night spent wasting away.
Only thinking about you.

My tired state can't even bear to dream, but I do anyway.

Of all the time we could've spent learning to love and uplift one another.

If only the both of us didn't have troubles as painful as the burn marks left behind by the coffee that spilled on my hand.

It's starting to hurt, it's surprising how it hurts more now than it did when it freshly happened.
If I could choose to
I would not.
I would not forget you.

Even if it is bliss.

To be ignorant.
The pain never sets in
and I hope it never will.

But when midnight strikes
and my vision starts to shift.

No more comforting voices
to hold and soothe me.

No more reassurance
no more distractions.

Its at these hours of the night
that I can feel it staring bullets at my back.

And everything that's happened simply starts to collapse.

What's left of my sentient mind can only convulse
as I relive things that are better left unknown.

The misfortune in every coming of age
who would've guessed.

All I can wish at these times is that I were eternally dead.

I screamed and begged for the world to say something.


Your eyes hover upon my disheartened letters.

Do not leave me here to rot with all my ambitions at my feet.

Why are you looking at me like that? Say something.

That day she left me, she never loved me she says.

As I held the world in my arms

She smiles at me and I can only choke on the letters that she shoved down my throat.

That day I lost her.

And all the hope she gave me would only fall apart in my hands.

Not doing so good right now honestly.
I sooner learned that stars burn as quickly as they are born.

Forever intertwining for eternity, echoing into the unknown.

But one day I finally understood.

No matter how far we traverse.

No many how many times we break in a sense we will always be as we are.

Leaving pieces of each other behind in everything.

Building our life and leaving behind pieces of ourselves, merging and breaking like little stars.

Making our own constellations.

I remember when I was a child.
My parents would tell me tales.
Of men dealing with demons.
In the crossroads right out of town.

And I remember quietly.
I had walked down that path too.
Not for money, talent, or fame.
I wanted to know what happiness was like.

And I never knew if I got my wish.
It always felt like things went south.
From within the abandoned crosswalks.
I could feel only sad eyes staring me down.

I felt the whispers and warnings.
Every foggy afternoon.
When I'd wish for the man to supposedly appear.
Just for a simple request.

"I only want to be happy and loved."
It seemed to echo into the neverending winter.
But I waited anyway.
I had barely any warmth to spare.

But nothing came and so I left.
And I felt the pity trail behind my back.
As I walked down the path.
That I decided to stroll down.

And my life continued to go down hill.
I am no longer so young.
I have become accustomed to this world.
To all its cruel games.

I have been broken and shattered
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....I have forgetten.
I am tired.

So I came back to the crossroads.
No more warmth left in my body.
I did not come with a wish this time.
Only seeking a question.

"Why did you not grant my wish?"
And I waited again by the trails.
For anybody to appear now.
Anybody who could give me answers.

"What did I do wrong?"
The trees looked at me with misery.
The clouds gave me it's soft tears.
The mist hugged me as tightly as it could.

And from within the forest.
I could hear it's voice at last.
"You did nothing wrong."
I am shattering by the seams.

"I gave you what you asked for."
Then why am I so unhappy.
"Because happiness never lasts."
Am I always going to feel hopeless?

Then what am I meant to do?
I don't understand.

"Because happiness will never mean anything without the struggle."

But I am shattered now, practically dust.
"But a phoenix is also reborn from it's ashes."
I no longer carry anymore warmth.
"But a fire can always be rekindled."

Is that all my life will be worth for?
"Life is always a struggle, it is survival."
But it is not what I asked for.
"No one chooses to have it willingly."

Am I meant to live on?
"Certainly you are."
Why? Why am I meant to be here.
"Because you want to."

What If I don't want to be here anymore.
"You have meaning you always will."
I don't understand.
"Your struggle and success to survive is enough to show for it."

And I could see the soot on my feet gather.
That was when the howling stopped.
I stood there still with no answers.
As the sun began to rise.

But I had a gut feeling I would not return to the crossroads again.

hello ✨ been a while
I did not really think it through
When the first few strands of my hair came falling to the floor.

But then again I don't really want to think.

That was the point.

As the blunt kitchen scissors sheared what was left of the choppy mess on my head

I am worthless.
That's what you always tell me.

I don't want to think.

You never really did love me.

You always left cuts and bruises on me
Never letting me heal for your own selfish reasons.

You are never at fault.
But you've certainly made your mark.

Now I can only attempt to cut what damage you've done to me out of my life.

My fragile locks scattered around on the cold tile floor.

I can't bear to look.

You don't know what you've done.
You never will as much as I wish you would.
More strands fall from my shaking hands.

I wish I could cut you out.

Hello mental breakdown
With the light slipping through the cracks of my shut windows.

My records playing and travelling around every surface of this cursed house.

The ringing of the alarm from my sisters room awakens me from my midnight daze.

The peace of such a restless night finally decides to befall on my worn out body.

My dreams to be reflected from the sunlight gleam
Always aiming for my mind and it's spectres.

Busy night but its time to sleep
The depths and the hold of the midnight hues of dusk
flowing into the surface of the water.
The sunken truth that lies in that shallow vastness
washes up on the shore, a trail of lingering darkness
found in the waters.

And so help me as I cannot help but become consumed
by the calling waves,
It whispers to me, it feels familiar
like home.

There is only a grim satisfaction that remains on my face
as I sink into the abyssal trap,
surrounded by all the unearthly treasures
I can only hold so much of.

And there it was, in that shallow looking emptiness
the indigo that threatened to take hold.
I was consumed by the sapphire
that corrupted my lungs.

I reach out to the surface
fading from my view
but only shades of cerulean escaped my mouth,
with no hope but only the suffocating feeling

of the deep blues.

Remembered that time I was floating in the ocean and a small earthquake happened.
Nothing comes to mind, each stroke and word aches inside me.

A fleeting thought coming up dry in my throat.

My temple, empty and abandoned.

Only traces of wine left, They have forsaken me.

They have cursed me, ripping out what made me alive.

I no longer hear the future only sinister laughter

Under the altar is a reminder of what could’ve been.

They think I am undeserving.

They know I would rather die than be nothing.

Why make me believe it?
art block
This is not all that I am
All that I can see
My eyes shut close and fade
Into nothing.

I can see you
And all my hinges all my twists.
My bereavements and edges
That I cannot take back

The light can take me
When I decide it is my time
But I am not done
I am not done living.

My feathers can burn.
Into soot
Take all of me that is left
That I can give.

But I am done giving up
What more
What more can I ha-------------
Why did it have to be like this.
I was always meant for more.
No, I know I did.
I deserved better.

But it will never be over.
I know that now.
That what's happened has happened
And that there is more to come.

How the lines are laid out.
All set to stone, my fate in the hands
Of some omnipotent fool.
There's not a ******* thing I can do.

Maybe things will be better
That's what I always hope at least
Maybe this time, it never hurts to try doesn't it?
But honestly, who am I kidding?

There really isn't a single thing
I can do to change what's inevitably going to come
All I can do is do
What I've always done.

Drown in my self -pity like the coward that I am.

its a cycle
Who am I to believe
That you won't leave me
With my heart still tearing
Fraying at the seams.

Who am I to believe
That you would follow me
All I can do is scream
At nothing, at only what I wish I could say.

You remind me of everything
All the regrets
And all the things I should have said
Stuck and lodged at the back of my throat.

If I begged you to stay
If you told me the truth
How will I know.
How pathetic I am.

I wish I was angrier
But all I feel are the tears
That ripple under my feet
Echoing all the doubt that I feel.

When will you leave.
When will I leave?
But I know if we did
I would stay waiting for nothing.

And I am in the dark again
Trying to forgive what you've done
But it only keeps hurting
It only keeps aching.

We promise we'd begin again
But who am I?
Who am I to believe you?
All I can hear from you now is lies.

The feelings I no longer wish to have
Come crashing down on me
Like my guilty conscience
At a confession booth.

Everything hurts, that's all I can really tell you now.

I'm sorry
We knock on doors to find if there is someone on the other side.

Lately I've heard knocking.

Desperately wondering if I am still there.

But I haven't responded in the fear of having to admit that no one's here now.

No one is behind the door anymore.

I am just a voice.

And there is nothing left to look for.

Just an empty room and a body.

Flowers decorated the riverbed.
We sat together taking in the view before us.
Each stroke of grass hand painted
by the gods themselves.

The monsters that always came after us
never felt so far away.
The rocks that decorated the river shined
like shimmering diamonds.

I still think of that day
It felt like an eternity.
if I could stay I would but now
Living without you everyday feels like an eternity too.

And my world will always eternally be incomplete for as long as I live without you by my side.

The cracks form on the surface
as I stomp my weight in anger.

You push back screaming
for the silence to engulf you.

And I knew I did not deserve you
I always knew.

Your skin now lined
with obsidian fissures.

I try to seal you in gold
but even I know.

The best thing I can give you
all I can do is leave.

Where do you go
When the comforts that you thought you knew
Start to shatter like a glass of bitter whiskey
Underneath the weight of all the epiphanies

That perhaps you will never truly have
Anywhere to call home.
And you can only wander endlessly
As you walk out

Trying not to look back
As the familiarity tries to pull you in with its stinging warmth.
If one day maybe
They'll have the heart to accept you despite it all.

There you go again leaving everything behind.

But at this point, it's simply second nature to you isn't it?

When I listened to you
I thought I was ending.

But that was 4 years ago
And tonight I feel like I'm switching and turning and unwinding on the darkly lit floors.

Listening to you, again.

Im going to go through it all over again
And I am hoping that this time
When I forget what your voices sound like
I won't be scared.

That when I tear myself to dust
I won't have to lose myself to you.
And I can love you all the same
Without you holding me by my ribs.

Because I've been ending and beginning over and over again on the same lines, same recordings we did during ungodly hours. The same arguments and beats that won't stop mocking me. Your laughter and the way you would run back to me and leave me hanging all in the same week.

I'm ready to begin again without you.

For real this time.

Still miss you, wherever you are.

I hope you're happier than I am.
Oh, you child!

Blessed be you are.

Born to be the one who is loved

You were made to be torn apart.

The angels cry and sing your name.

You were made to lose all you've earned.

Everything will be in time.

You are with no reason and no rhyme.

It will reach the depths where hell has not dug.

Your name and all the things you've done.

The world will be at your mercy.

And you will die, that is what you will do.

You will die over and over again.

You will skin what is left of your bones.

For those who will eat you whole and alive.

You will thank them for it you will thank him for it.

You will happily oblige.

Oh our sweet thorn born child.

The kisses and praise will litter your skin like an incurable plague.

You are my favourite.

And you will thank me for it.

No one will hear you.
You were happy.

And I was supposed to be happy.

My gold leaf covered hands danced through every key and every scale.

Every symphony that you threw.

I gave you all that I could give.

The golden spotlight and rusting trophies that decorate your shelf.

You always wanted more.

But I'm afraid there was nothing more I could give.

You always wanted me here so why?

What did I do to deserve your shame and hatred.

Maybe you finally realized I was only plated with gold.

But thank you.

For scraping my dreams, my mind, and every hope I had for myself growing up.

Now I know that steel only bends under unimaginable pressure.

And I can walk away from you.

At last in the deep but soothing uncertainty that lays straight ahead of me.

Only having the hope that things will cool down eventually.

Let me leave.
The warmth that lingers in the air
One thought swimming around in my mind.

She walks like driftwood floating ashore
Ever so still, ever so ethereal.

All I can think of is you.

You whisper only love and tenderness to me
I wish you wouldn't cry, that is all it really takes.

What do you dream of in nights like these?
The serene expression on your face melting in the middle of the humid evening.

I wish I could give you what you need.

My reflection swirls and shifts through the dark sealed windows
You hold onto me for fear that I will leave
And you are right.

Please let me go.
let me go.
I am not what you need.

The air in my lungs weighs me down
Your tears dance in the street lights.
I can only wipe them back but for how long?

You are all I can think about.

The way your warmth leaves me feeling cold
As the static in the background fills my brain.

Blue light bounces off of my eyes
I cannot make you happy.

You hold onto me with such resolve
Such need, how will I ever leave?
Not even for a quick three AM rinse.
I want to know what you dream of.

I guess its just another one of those midsummer nights.

I crash back into the mattress, your cold hands soothing me
You are all I can think about now
The only thing within my limited vision
It hurts me.

But its probably just the heat getting to me.

eyyyy summers here
And so I found what I was looking for
Finally content, but I wanted more
So I gave all that was left of me.
And I was so sure.

But who am I kidding.

The Gods did not say I could be happy.

What a fool I was.
What a fool I was to think that I, a mere mortal could finally be at ease.
Then again I suppose that is what happens to those who want more.

For I only ended up twice as miserable when I came crashing back down.
ahahhaha :>
I do not want to forget.
But as the sun rises from the horizon
My memories
Our memories
Start to fade from my conscience.

Everyday is a struggle as I desperately hold on
To what my mind wishes to erase.
Your words
Our dreams
No longer as eternal as we thought it would be.

So please forgive me.

For my memory isn't what it used to be.

I am sorry
Do you hate me?
Does it hurt that much?
Let me do it.
So that you won't have to die.

So soon and so young, I'll cut your thorns surface deep.

That when it's years into the future with the present feeling so far
and the past still hurting me
as it does now.

I'll know how to deal with it.

That I'll stop destroying and despising everything there is to me.

That maybe I'll finally forgive myself
and tell myself that it wasn't my fault.

That it never was and I'd believe it.

Maybe I won't be happy.
Maybe I won't ever heal.
But at least I will finally have the strength to deal with myself.

That one day I may have the strength
To love myself.

it's a tough time
My heart
My soul
My sight
My years
My dreams
My life

Take them away
For I have never had them.

Pick me apart
Choose from my pile
Of shattered hopes.

Whichever one that fits.

They don't seem to suit me anyways.

They never last.
So this is how we end.

My heart barely beating, still in your hands.

Your all so hopeful words now stain my senses like a pungent scent.

And yet after everything, I cannot ignore.

I still love you even after all this time.

You left me waiting and hoping , all at your beck and call.

As you step out with that sorry look on your face you still take my heart with you.

Only nothingness replacing what was once in my chest.

Where have you gone and where will you go?

Maybe in another time and in another life.

You wouldn't have left me behind.

Still hoping and praying to a god I don't believe in.

That you will come running back in my arms like you used to.

You're gone just like that.
"I gave birth to you so I can take you out of this world."

So do it then, I'll even hand you the knife you need to send me to an early grave.

Since you always know best don't you?

But let's be real you just don't have the guts to do it.

Maybe I should do it myself.

A vent since today is so ****.
In the claws of yesterday.

Waiting around the bend for its jaw to unhinge.

Of a better time.

They circle in my mind.
I still remember your voice like it's today.

Walking to nowhere I will go.
For the sake of going.

Let me be the first to reach the end
Without knowing.

I always come back to you

Staring at my screen

Start from the beginning

Let me go
On this dreary night I will end.


I almost lost your voice, again.

All I can ever ask when you leave me

Was I enough?

Would I ever be enough?

People are always fascinated by me

Attracted to me.

Proclaiming that they will love me for all eternity.

And I can only sadly laugh at such mockery that fate keeps bestowing upon me.

Face it, for all of you who try to love me.

You cannot handle me.

In the end you will always leave me behind.

While I am stuck with the burden of trying to forget.

Your love is not enough.

And you only view me as your saving grace from this ****** world you only suffer in.

But I cannot save you.

To hell with your hero complex.

You most certainly can't save me either.

Love is not enough.

And I am not worth the trouble

I'm not your savior.
Sometimes I sit by the top of the stairs

I gaze down the steps longingly one by one.

And I wonder how long?

How long would it take for me to be found.

My blood trailing down the steps of every brick.

My beady eyes staring into the front door.

While I am gone.

I am gone.

To rest for good.

Your shadow blocks my way.

I wake up to disorienting music in my ears.

The colours of my window blur.

Your laughter echoes in my ears.

I think the rain just hit my eyes.

Maybe I've forgotten why I'm alive.

You do not deserve.

You do not deserve, not even the chance to beg for my forgiveness

You will never get that.

And I hope that you lay there, pale as all hell.

Only being able to catch your breath via oxygen tank.

I hope that I am the last thing you think of.

I hope that you close your eyes and drift away only to remember.

That I do not forgive you and I never will.

That what's done is done.

As long as I and my memory exists you will never know that peace.

You're Catholic right?

I hope you wander the barren lands of purgatory unable to be saved because of me.

I do not forgive you.

Not even in death.

Not even in my last breath.

Not even in the perfectly scribbled insanity that is my drunken stupor.

I hope you know how to read between the ******* lines.

I do not forgive you.

The crow and his burnt feathers,
His fading Iridescent luster
calls out for a life that at one point

He knew.

Lined with dark ash, covered
In rubies and gold.
Yet one look up above
One he could not obtain.

An illuminated lie in his dreaming state.

In stillness he stood
The ink that he bore
The scattered light he once held
soaking in his obsidian hues.

Things he could not take back
Things that he could not have

And all the questions he still had
could only be answered

By the moon.

I used to have a pet crow
All it took for me to see.
I sow within the deepest parts of me.
Weave between the cracks and holes.
My veins will tell me until I bruise.

I know that I will rue the day that I have to choose.
Is it really up to you?
I am fine tonight, aging on this side of the shoreline.
You took me as yours.
You will watch me tonight
As I finally dance.

This last breath of mine.
One last request if it is alright?
Hold me like that day.
When you stole me.

The downpour was just like now.
Born on a day that told me how.
I could not even open my eyes.
Before you decided what was mine.

Carry me to the depths,
One more time.
I'll see the stars,
No matter where I can find.

Let me pretend one last time.
That I lived a promised life
That I was so happy I could decide.
That I was grateful despite the strife.

Maybe I would have lived a life that was mine.

In the next life.
I asked her, why?

Why she couldn't hold my gaze
Despite the indescribable connection we feel for one another.

And she told me
That we were like two sides of the moon
Always longing, but never meant to even see each other.

And nothing good would come from the fight to understand
The fight to see one another.

The fight to stay alive as two halves of each other.

For we do not complete us
We love so deeply we swallow ourselves whole
Trying so desperately to have more of what we cannot have.

We are two polarities
And we cannot co-exist together
Not like this.

I bid her farewell
Leaving her only in my thoughts and in the sky
That I often see her in.

The moon never seemed so dark as it rushed  to four quarters
Of what it used to be.

I love women <3
The world will not be kind to you,

I wish you knew.

When you prayed every night begging,

For a god with deaf ears to listen to you.

Your unreasonable request.

Your impossible wish,

That will never be granted.

I wish you knew.

I'd take your life myself so you could die knowing what kindness was.
It would be for the best.
An itch I cannot proclaim
Through the salt and remains
That drips through my eyes

I yell, I scream and I beg
Entombed forever in your silent
Disregard, so scared

Of making the waves move.

Close and shut, these pearls
They are but a shame
My weakness and your fragility

All on display for everyone to wear.

Covering up my tones with your
Sand infested ears
You shamble away in rage and disarray

I am still your pearl, still

You let the ocean take my name.

I pick apart the marigolds petals in my hands
wishing for way back then.

Why did you leave me?
When our future looked so bright together.

The garden wilts everyday.
The thorns overgrow on the cliff we used to sit on.

We had forever
Why did you leave me here.

When the day passes noon
There is only silence to keep me company

Your shadow still overcasts the empty spot to my left
Your eyes still tear through the running creek water.

The sun has never been the same
I thought we would get through this together.

Now I am here, overgrown, exhausted, and desperate
This garden will burn along with me.

I sit in the same cliff, letting the crackling of the flames keep me company with its twisted disharmony.
I pick apart the marigold in my hands.

At least its not silent anymore.

haha ARSON
And what will happen when you leave me too?

Do I keep going or do I follow you?

Until I cant anymore.

As our bond always pulls me closer and closer to you.

Your gaze becomes inseparable with your warm and loving words.

It is torture to think that I could lose you too.

And when you walk away from my waking life I will stride every night in the ethereal plane.

Going to a place that we've always known and that only we will ever know.

Always to a home where things are better.

its your birthday soon ^^ ayy
Every moment that we have.
Our own small little world
That we often hide together in.

Yet I cannot help but be afraid.
As you sit beside me making promises.
Promises you cant keep.

You coat my eyes with honey.
The numbing feeling that keeps setting in.
You always know what to do.

But I know that promises
They are not meant to be kept.
Even as you sit next to me.

The dreadful feeling sinks into my depths.
As you hold my hand and swear to me.
All of you and what you'd do for me

It is only a matter of time as you walk away with your loss of warmth and fading dreams.

You cannot keep empty oaths as fragile as porcelain plates.

You're scaring me.
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