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Sometimes I still wake up at night.
To my mid-day terrors.
And my room always feels empty.
My eyes fall off back into time.

I'd always hear you say
That we'd be better off
But who are you to say so
When you're not here anymore.

And I wake up in the after glow
Of the sun from my midnight terrors
This place is just too much for me.
I'd rather not stop to look and see.

And I remember that you'd always say
Nothing would last that long
But how could you tell me that
When you've been gone for far too long.

When I dive back to the sea of dreams
I close my eyes and can't help but think
You were right all along
But I can't tell you that anymore.

And yet as I drift off into the evening sky
Your voice is still as clear as it was that time.
And I wish that I could have this back
Your kind words and the hope you'd bring.

And all the parts I lost that you took from me.

Ahahaha 🧍
I remember when I was a child.
My parents would tell me tales.
Of men dealing with demons.
In the crossroads right out of town.

And I remember quietly.
I had walked down that path too.
Not for money, talent, or fame.
I wanted to know what happiness was like.

And I never knew if I got my wish.
It always felt like things went south.
From within the abandoned crosswalks.
I could feel only sad eyes staring me down.

I felt the whispers and warnings.
Every foggy afternoon.
When I'd wish for the man to supposedly appear.
Just for a simple request.

"I only want to be happy and loved."
It seemed to echo into the neverending winter.
But I waited anyway.
I had barely any warmth to spare.

But nothing came and so I left.
And I felt the pity trail behind my back.
As I walked down the path.
That I decided to stroll down.

And my life continued to go down hill.
I am no longer so young.
I have become accustomed to this world.
To all its cruel games.

I have been broken and shattered
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....I have forgetten.
I am tired.

So I came back to the crossroads.
No more warmth left in my body.
I did not come with a wish this time.
Only seeking a question.

"Why did you not grant my wish?"
And I waited again by the trails.
For anybody to appear now.
Anybody who could give me answers.

"What did I do wrong?"
The trees looked at me with misery.
The clouds gave me it's soft tears.
The mist hugged me as tightly as it could.

And from within the forest.
I could hear it's voice at last.
"You did nothing wrong."
I am shattering by the seams.

"I gave you what you asked for."
Then why am I so unhappy.
"Because happiness never lasts."
Am I always going to feel hopeless?

Then what am I meant to do?
I don't understand.

"Because happiness will never mean anything without the struggle."

But I am shattered now, practically dust.
"But a phoenix is also reborn from it's ashes."
I no longer carry anymore warmth.
"But a fire can always be rekindled."

Is that all my life will be worth for?
"Life is always a struggle, it is survival."
But it is not what I asked for.
"No one chooses to have it willingly."

Am I meant to live on?
"Certainly you are."
Why? Why am I meant to be here.
"Because you want to."

What If I don't want to be here anymore.
"You have meaning you always will."
I don't understand.
"Your struggle and success to survive is enough to show for it."

And I could see the soot on my feet gather.
That was when the howling stopped.
I stood there still with no answers.
As the sun began to rise.

But I had a gut feeling I would not return to the crossroads again.

hello ✨ been a while
The moon forgets the power she holds with or without the sun.

The storms she brings with the tides always in her favor.

Shifting and going as she fades into her many faces.

The power she lends to every miserable woman.

Trying to start a new, Learning their worth.

She keeps forgetting that she doesn't need the sun to shine.

That she is all that she needs to become divine.

She always forgets.
she forgets
You do not deserve.

You do not deserve, not even the chance to beg for my forgiveness

You will never get that.

And I hope that you lay there, pale as all hell.

Only being able to catch your breath via oxygen tank.

I hope that I am the last thing you think of.

I hope that you close your eyes and drift away only to remember.

That I do not forgive you and I never will.

That what's done is done.

As long as I and my memory exists you will never know that peace.

You're Catholic right?

I hope you wander the barren lands of purgatory unable to be saved because of me.

I do not forgive you.

Not even in death.

Not even in my last breath.

Not even in the perfectly scribbled insanity that is my drunken stupor.

I hope you know how to read between the ******* lines.

I do not forgive you.

Sometimes I forget out of habit
The short lived tale we had
Of a boy and a girl
Who dreamed of setting sail to better places.

To faraway lands of neon and brick
Where the city never sleeps
And the sun keeps its hold
Over the horizon where idealistic men are born.

Wistful gardens conceived from all
The burning eyes, tears and blood spilled
We were so young back then yet barely alive
Our souls and our hearts on the verge of losing to time.

But we had all we dreamed of suddenly all at once
Though I lost my battle you helped me to carry on
You cradled my fragile spirit and sung us a song
Of all the loss and the pain that never seemed to stop.

And you were happy, and I was happy
Prayers finally answered
We promised each other the world on the rooftop
Once upon a balcony on every distant star we could find.

But I sit now on the riverside
The one we escaped to when we were kids with my parents money
Do you remember it still?
The Marigolds have started wilting and withering on the steps.

I suppose in one way or another
We did not realize how shattered we both were
that such a calm bright day could catch us
Drowning in a storm of IV bags and morphine.

I sat beside you on your bed of flowers
Under the bright fluorescent sun everyday
Waiting and hoping that some day you'd wake up
That we could continue on the journey we promised to ourselves.

I could not be me, not without you
There was no life worth living that didn't include us
So I waited and waited
For the life I could not give up.

You promised me the oceans, the sky, the world
But I didn't care for that, no it didn't matter to me at all
For nothing could be worth it, no thing
Not a thing without you.

So I waited and I waited
I lived my life for as much as I could and I waited
And I waited by your side under the glow and the dark stars
You couldn't do this to me, you couldn't leave me

You who gave me hope
The reason life finally felt organic, like it meant something to me
The suffering was nothing and I would do it all over again
Just so I could meet you

So I waited, and I waited
Time was running out
My patience never wore thin but my eyes shut on their own
So I fell into my first slumber next to you in that cold white room.

And by the gods when morning finally fell
Like the first light of spring you were there
Stirring in your sleep, fighting to stay awake
And I felt the life return to my body.

You held my hand so weakly
You were fighting, weren't you?
So why did you look up at me with those eyes
And it was then I knew.

"I love you."
You told me over and over again
As if you were no longer going to be here to tell me that
As if you were going to die.

"Promise me you'll stay alive for me."
Your eyes were so dull that day
Your hands made me feel so cold
You told me you loved me, but no this can't be.

You can't leave me.

Then I heard it
The veil between us becoming closed at the sudden drop
And the ringing from the ECG machine echoing in my head and into the hallway.
Did I say anything? Did the Gods even hear me beg?

Everything I knew was gone just like that
My dreams, my hopes, and the humanity I thought I had.
Your words echoed into my head
I didn't say a ******* thing.

And just before I could be carried away by the arms
From your pale white sheets and hospital tags
The ringing never really stopped only this time it finally came out of my mouth as vitriol.
You were gone just like that.

And the only life I had suddenly ended that day too.

I got reminded of some things.
[ What are you here for? ]

                                            For things I should have finished long ago.

[ You can run while you still can. ]

                                                              ­                 I can't, I am exhausted.

[ There is still time. ]

                       Then I would have to abandon everything I hold dear.

[ But you would be alive. ]

                         What good am I alive if I cannot be with those I love?

[ So you accept your fate? ]

          It was meant to be the moment I stepped back into this world.

[ Your fate is in your hands. ]

              And those who have done wrong will always pay the price.

[ And what would your last request be? ]

                                                              ­               That a miracle happens.

[ A miracle? ]

                     I am ready to pay the price for my crimes but for today.

[ . . . ]

                                                     Just for today I wish I could be saved.

[ That is up to you. ]

                                                I can only hope that I am strong enough.

[ Only time will tell. ]

                                                              ­  Do you think I can make it out?

[ . . . ]

                                                        Can I make the heavens reconsider?

[ . . . ]

                                                              ­                                         I figured.

[ Remember. ]

                                                              ­                                                  Yes?

[ Your fate is now in your hands. ]

you can't run away anymore
I thought I was everything
and nothing all at once.
This world all spinning
To the direction of my blazing trails.

But I was a fool
I was always a fool to think so.
I let my blood run cold into the depths
of every body of water I could drown in.

And I thought it would be enough
I ran this world clutched under my fingertips
I believed I was above it all
And above every felony I could commit most of all.

But I believed in things
When I couldn't believe in myself
"The ends justify the means."
As I thought myself worthy of giving judgement.

But everything that goes around comes around
For who was I to call upon judgement
No mercy and no worth
All  under the guise of a wrathful and unforgiving God.

But I stand here before you now
Before the court, the jury, and the Gods
To sentence me now, a false prophet
For I once believed I was everything and nothing all at once.

I confess all my sins
And admit that I was a fool
I was a fool to think I could change something
That there was a meaning to everything I've done.

So lock me away
From everything I have ever hold dear
For nothing will be enough
To erase all my faults.

But isn't it punishment enough
That I've lost all I had?
Watched good men fall to dust.
And saw empires of what I've built collapse and rot?

I suppose it never ends
After all we carry all our atrocities
Even in death and rebirth
Forgiveness was never an option.

So maybe I'll just raise hell on this ******* earth every chance you allow me to.

s p i t e
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