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I never realized until now.
How much you really changed me.
How much you really hurt me.

Its when I think about loving someone else.
I can only think of running away.
No matter how much I feel.

Even after everything.
I'm still trying to erase the memories you left behind.
Your shadow looms in my every step.

That maybe I do not deserve to love.
And maybe I never will.
I want to believe that I am wrong.

But not even the cards I shuffle in my hands will be able to prove me wrong this time.

Will my best ever be enough?

Will I ever heal?

Do I have to live the rest of my life like this?

Do I have to keep feeling like this?

How will I ever love again?

How can I ever trust anyone after what you've done?

Where did I go wrong?

Where is the happiness I so want to feel?

When did it start falling apart?

When will I finally leave this all behind?

Why do I feel nothing?

Why do I feel everything all at once?

What am I doing here still?

What did I do to deserve this?

Can I ever feel normal again?

Can I actually live my life, like this?

Who is at fault for this?

Who is there to blame other than myself?

Am I ok?

Am I perfect enough?

Will I ever be satisfied

Will I ever be happy again?

The questions only keep growing in the cell of disarray that is my mind.

Every single one fall on deaf ears.

Spain without the s
Apr 28 · 167
Perhaps I was never meant to be the hero of my story.
Heroes always die.
But I am still here
I can only wonder when it will be over.

Or if I am to be the tragic antagonist
In the story of another.
But one thing I can confirm
Is that heroes are never happy.

And regardless of whether I am
I certainly will meet a tragic end.
That's always how these things go.
I don't think my story was written with a happy ending in mind.

And thus one day
Just when things feel like they're finally
Finally going right for me.
I'm going to collapse again.

Maybe it is time for me to accept that things won't get better
and that they're only going to get worse from here.

Tragic Comedy kinda beat.
Apr 26 · 163
Sweeping the tiles
I am shattered.
Just like anyone else.

But it does not mean that I am far gone.
All I need to do is gather the pieces.

When I find them all eventually.

off meds right now
Apr 21 · 180
Twice ahead of home
You and me
You promised me.
Take my hand and run away
With me.

And I know that I'll never be
Less of me when I'm with you.
You know me as I know you
Better than we could ever know.

I promise you we'll get out of here.
We'll be happier
Nobody knows what's hidden there
I'm begging you to let time pass.

For one day we'll be rid of where
The things that we wish would disappear.
If you stay and I stay.
I promise you nothing can stop us both.

So please look at me.
I'm never leaving you're not alone.
So please keep your eyes ahead of us.
Please promise me that you won't break this one.

Don't leave me here alone again
I wont let you sink and fade.
Take my hand and let time pass.
Hold on to me, hold on to me.

I'll bring us twice ahead of time where we can finally heal and mend our fissures littering our every touch.

I'm sorry you felt that way, I'll be better for the both of us.
Apr 17 · 132
By the bullet
The pain never sets in
and I hope it never will.

But when midnight strikes
and my vision starts to shift.

No more comforting voices
to hold and soothe me.

No more reassurance
no more distractions.

Its at these hours of the night
that I can feel it staring bullets at my back.

And everything that's happened simply starts to collapse.

What's left of my sentient mind can only convulse
as I relive things that are better left unknown.

The misfortune in every coming of age
who would've guessed.

All I can wish at these times is that I were eternally dead.

Apr 13 · 127
Golden Child
You were happy.

And I was supposed to be happy.

My gold leaf covered hands danced through every key and every scale.

Every symphony that you threw.

I gave you all that I could give.

The golden spotlight and rusting trophies that decorate your shelf.

You always wanted more.

But I'm afraid there was nothing more I could give.

You always wanted me here so why?

What did I do to deserve your shame and hatred.

Maybe you finally realized I was only plated with gold.

But thank you.

For scraping my dreams, my mind, and every hope I had for myself growing up.

Now I know that steel only bends under unimaginable pressure.

And I can walk away from you.

At last in the deep but soothing uncertainty that lays straight ahead of me.

Only having the hope that things will cool down eventually.

Let me leave.
Apr 12 · 426
Kitchen Sink
"I gave birth to you so I can take you out of this world."

So do it then, I'll even hand you the knife you need to send me to an early grave.

Since you always know best don't you?

But let's be real you just don't have the guts to do it.

Maybe I should do it myself.

A vent since today is so ****.
Apr 5 · 144
Love is not enough
All I can ever ask when you leave me

Was I enough?

Would I ever be enough?

People are always fascinated by me

Attracted to me.

Proclaiming that they will love me for all eternity.

And I can only sadly laugh at such mockery that fate keeps bestowing upon me.

Face it, for all of you who try to love me.

You cannot handle me.

In the end you will always leave me behind.

While I am stuck with the burden of trying to forget.

Your love is not enough.

And you only view me as your saving grace from this ****** world you only suffer in.

But I cannot save you.

To hell with your hero complex.

You most certainly can't save me either.

Love is not enough.

And I am not worth the trouble

I'm not your savior.
Apr 2 · 382
Black Coffee
No matter what I eat or what I drink
All the vices and distraction.

Nothing can get rid of the bitter taste that you left behind.

Your promises and words leave their marks on my mind in the early hours of the morning.

Even after you've cut yourself off from me for my sake.

In the dawn of another sleepless night spent wasting away.
Only thinking about you.

My tired state can't even bear to dream, but I do anyway.

Of all the time we could've spent learning to love and uplift one another.

If only the both of us didn't have troubles as painful as the burn marks left behind by the coffee that spilled on my hand.

It's starting to hurt, it's surprising how it hurts more now than it did when it freshly happened.
Mar 31 · 321
Parlor Trick
"Look closely or you'll miss it!"
You said with that sly grin on your face.

My ring you had in your hands disappeared in a blink of an eye.

So did you but this time you didn't warn me.

Trying to put myself back together
Mar 28 · 130
So this is how we end.

My heart barely beating, still in your hands.

Your all so hopeful words now stain my senses like a pungent scent.

And yet after everything, I cannot ignore.

I still love you even after all this time.

You left me waiting and hoping , all at your beck and call.

As you step out with that sorry look on your face you still take my heart with you.

Only nothingness replacing what was once in my chest.

Where have you gone and where will you go?

Maybe in another time and in another life.

You wouldn't have left me behind.

Still hoping and praying to a god I don't believe in.

That you will come running back in my arms like you used to.

You're gone just like that.
Mar 27 · 116
Every moment that we have.
Our own small little world
That we often hide together in.

Yet I cannot help but be afraid.
As you sit beside me making promises.
Promises you cant keep.

You coat my eyes with honey.
The numbing feeling that keeps setting in.
You always know what to do.

But I know that promises
They are not meant to be kept.
Even as you sit next to me.

The dreadful feeling sinks into my depths.
As you hold my hand and swear to me.
All of you and what you'd do for me

It is only a matter of time as you walk away with your loss of warmth and fading dreams.

You cannot keep empty oaths as fragile as porcelain plates.

You're scaring me.
Mar 25 · 172
With the light slipping through the cracks of my shut windows.

My records playing and travelling around every surface of this cursed house.

The ringing of the alarm from my sisters room awakens me from my midnight daze.

The peace of such a restless night finally decides to befall on my worn out body.

My dreams to be reflected from the sunlight gleam
Always aiming for my mind and it's spectres.

Busy night but its time to sleep
Mar 23 · 223
Tempered glass
Sight of mine dulled to nothing but red.
My aching fingers bleeding from the splayed out shards of glass.
Time and time again, this feeling will never truly fade.
The destruction that eases into every walk that I take.

The pent up pain that does not soothe
It only comes in waves of doubt and an ache that runs deeply through my body.
I can only sit in silence and wait for it to wash over  as the never-ending wrath bounces in the corners of the room.
No freedom found as I keep myself from lashing out.

My blood keeps dripping around my pooling ire.
To lock up such a monster that laps away at every upset and disappointment
There really is no telling when
The day it stops rocking back and forth the dark curtained bedroom I try to subdue it in.

The day my warm blood no longer satisfies the steely blue light that edges its existence.
And the way it bounces off of the crystal shards coated in crimson beneath my hands.
Alcohol has never truly worked for me as much as I wished it did.
What do I do when there is nothing I can do?

How will I cope when I can no longer keep from being violent?

yes i've had a bad day
Mar 22 · 312
And what will happen when you leave me too?

Do I keep going or do I follow you?

Until I cant anymore.

As our bond always pulls me closer and closer to you.

Your gaze becomes inseparable with your warm and loving words.

It is torture to think that I could lose you too.

And when you walk away from my waking life I will stride every night in the ethereal plane.

Going to a place that we've always known and that only we will ever know.

Always to a home where things are better.

its your birthday soon ^^ ayy
Mar 22 · 95
Towards every sound, I can only move.

My eyes tied back masked in the fog.

No light shining through

No one to guide me.

Like a glacier in the vast abyss floating towards nothing.

Only accompanied by the echoes of yesterday.

Mar 19 · 178
The price of conversion
When will you realize that I am no longer who I used to be.

You rid me of the hope I had and the beauty I used to see in this cutthroat world.

Every word and hit you landed on me made sure of that.

You did not let me grow up and instead pushed me into the shallow looking waters thinking I would survive.

And you're right I did.

But at what cost?

Only my humanity of course.

How ironic it is that you wanted me to thrive and pour gold out of my waking life.

When I came out burning from sulfur and ashes.

No warning and no mercy, no.

You never taught me what that was.

All the expectations and dreams set into my very being with no thought of what it would take.

I am not your saving grace nor your chance for another life.

I am not made for your salvation, to make up for what you could not have.

I have always been so much more than that.

You birthed me from fuel and soot.

I was never meant to be what you predicted.

So do not come to me with your expectations of obedience I will never yield to your maltreatment.

I will never be molded into what you want of me.

thanks mom and dad :)))
Mar 18 · 237
When you are worried
Please do not take it personally
when I reel away from the world
and from you.
When I disappear without a word.

It is simply my way of saying.
That I am healing in my own ways.
I do not blame you
and I never would.

Please never put yourself at fault
for it is no ones burden but my own.
You have only shown me kindness in my struggle
but this is something that only I can deal with on my own.

And I can promise you that things will turn out okay for me.
There is no need for you to risk your own heart
for things you have no control over
with your own tears you have to mend.

I can promise you that I can save myself.

she shouldn't have to feel guilty
Mar 18 · 106
I do not want to forget.
But as the sun rises from the horizon
My memories
Our memories
Start to fade from my conscience.

Everyday is a struggle as I desperately hold on
To what my mind wishes to erase.
Your words
Our dreams
No longer as eternal as we thought it would be.

So please forgive me.

For my memory isn't what it used to be.

I am sorry
Mar 16 · 418
In which I have a wish
That when it's years into the future with the present feeling so far
and the past still hurting me
as it does now.

I'll know how to deal with it.

That I'll stop destroying and despising everything there is to me.

That maybe I'll finally forgive myself
and tell myself that it wasn't my fault.

That it never was and I'd believe it.

Maybe I won't be happy.
Maybe I won't ever heal.
But at least I will finally have the strength to deal with myself.

That one day I may have the strength
To love myself.

it's a tough time
Mar 15 · 219
I did not really think it through
When the first few strands of my hair came falling to the floor.

But then again I don't really want to think.

That was the point.

As the blunt kitchen scissors sheared what was left of the choppy mess on my head

I am worthless.
That's what you always tell me.

I don't want to think.

You never really did love me.

You always left cuts and bruises on me
Never letting me heal for your own selfish reasons.

You are never at fault.
But you've certainly made your mark.

Now I can only attempt to cut what damage you've done to me out of my life.

My fragile locks scattered around on the cold tile floor.

I can't bear to look.

You don't know what you've done.
You never will as much as I wish you would.
More strands fall from my shaking hands.

I wish I could cut you out.

Hello mental breakdown
Mar 13 · 166
I never thought I would live to see the day
When someone would finally give color and music
To my melting monochromatic world.

I wonder when it started to fall apart.
When our story we fought and gave our all to
would end the way it did.

All our hardships and the scars
that we both shared together slowly mending
while you disappeared off of the final chapter.

Not a single word left behind
you did not deserve to go as you did.
You always deserved better than this.

With you gone and leaving me only to wonder
where we went wrong.

And if I could've saved you somehow.

I think of them often.
Mar 12 · 227
When she walks in
She is all I will ever need.
My bruises and fractures have never healed as fast.
In her presence
her stare.

My flaws and my faults
Feeling all so far behind me.
The acts of wrath I committed
washed away in her gaze.

The gauze she wraps around my wrists
Like soft silk in her touch.
Everything I knew that I was
fades away from me like an unsound dream.

She patches up my worries and fears
With sweet nothings and her smile
That never fading smile.
She is all I will ever need.

What could I do when she is gone?
When I curb to the weight
Of being saved again and again
Without her.

She crumbles slowly everyday
I can see it.
There is no room in this world
To be kind.

I fall back into my old habits
The momentary peace in my life
is always disrupted
Whenever she walks out of my apartment door.

women amirite
Mar 11 · 178
Flowers decorated the riverbed.
We sat together taking in the view before us.
Each stroke of grass hand painted
by the gods themselves.

The monsters that always came after us
never felt so far away.
The rocks that decorated the river shined
like shimmering diamonds.

I still think of that day
It felt like an eternity.
if I could stay I would but now
Living without you everyday feels like an eternity too.

And my world will always eternally be incomplete for as long as I live without you by my side.

Mar 8 · 126
The cracks form on the surface
as I stomp my weight in anger.

You push back screaming
for the silence to engulf you.

And I knew I did not deserve you
I always knew.

Your skin now lined
with obsidian fissures.

I try to seal you in gold
but even I know.

The best thing I can give you
all I can do is leave.

Mar 8 · 148
I screamed and begged for the world to say something.


Your eyes hover upon my disheartened letters.

Do not leave me here to rot with all my ambitions at my feet.

Why are you looking at me like that? Say something.

That day she left me, she never loved me she says.

As I held the world in my arms

She smiles at me and I can only choke on the letters that she shoved down my throat.

That day I lost her.

And all the hope she gave me would only fall apart in my hands.

Not doing so good right now honestly.
Mar 7 · 214
Nocturne Op. 27
I pick apart the marigolds petals in my hands
wishing for way back then.

Why did you leave me?
When our future looked so bright together.

The garden wilts everyday.
The thorns overgrow on the cliff we used to sit on.

We had forever
Why did you leave me here.

When the day passes noon
There is only silence to keep me company

Your shadow still overcasts the empty spot to my left
Your eyes still tear through the running creek water.

The sun has never been the same
I thought we would get through this together.

Now I am here, overgrown, exhausted, and desperate
This garden will burn along with me.

I sit in the same cliff, letting the crackling of the flames keep me company with its twisted disharmony.
I pick apart the marigold in my hands.

At least its not silent anymore.

haha ARSON
Mar 5 · 227
She sits on the cold tile floor
Her life flashes before her eyes
4 am regrets.

The lack of sleep is just getting to her.

The shadows loom over the curtains
The pictures of her past start collapsing on the floor
Her head hits the back of the wooden bed panel

Could you wish for anything more unhanded?

The music from the neighbors flat echoes into the night
The barely visible drawings on the wall sneer at her
Its past her bedtime.

Who are you waiting up for anymore?

The ringing in her ears grow louder
The hours pass by slipping through the cracks of the drain.
Who are you crying to anymore?

There is no one to confess to.

The mirror overshadows the bed like church pews at midnight
She tells her that she never loved her.
She disappeared into the clouds that loom over the moon.

Her watch tells her to sleep.

She sighs and climbs back into bed
She remembers that she never loved her.
She remembers the scars that trail along her back.

Her life cannot help but flash before her eyes.

The ceiling morphs and twists
Her eyes flutter shut as her mind plays its tricks
She caresses the scars that itch at the roots of her hair.

Maybe its better this way for everyone.

She can no longer hear the heart beating slowly in the closet
Her mother told her that she is worthless
She begs for the sleep to take her.
Before her mind starts wandering to that point.

The darkness feels cool against her skin
The crooked mattress settling in its place
She sleeps on her side to avoid the bedroom mirror
The world grows still around her as it walks

on ******* eggshells.

The dawn permeates through the broken window sill
She never was a heavy sleeper.
She went missing out of nowhere
The ringing of her phone echoed in her ears

like Sunday bells.

And there was no more trace of the former shadows that pitifully gazed at her in the corners of her room.

yoOOu never loved me moooooooom but i needed you woaAaah
Mar 4 · 519
A Fleeting Melody
That night
I held you in my arms
So fragile and broken
So familiar.

And I could not help it
My heart cried out a song
So familiar
For you my love.

The notes appeared from thin air
Just as easily as it disappeared
The moment the sun scattered
Through my bedroom windows.

cant sleep :')
Mar 3 · 190
The Inevitable
"You know that I'll die eventually right?" She shifted in my arms avoiding the glaring light coming through the window.

"You're going to lose me again..."

I brushed back the hair irritating her teary eyes and looked at her with the same tenderness that she always gives me. A smile tugs at the ache in my heart, I knew that she knew how we would end but having her right here felt so worth it.

"But don't you remember darling? We've already met before." I said holding her gaze, she gives me the same hopeful smile.

"I will scour every inch of this plane and beyond just to be with you over and over again." She chuckles, there it is again, she truly melts me.

"I did not peg you for the commitment type." She lays her forehead on mine rubbing circles on my back. The sun dances around the room, filling the unwanted space between us.

"How can I not." I whisper, I cannot even  begin to describe what being there felt like and I could only want more as my heartbeat kept echoing in my head. She pushes herself closer to me her presence  burning away the dim future coming for us.

"Then I'll never forget." She says.

Then again, I don't think I ever could.

no thoughts, only women.
Mar 3 · 622
Midnight Crow
The crow and his burnt feathers,
His fading Iridescent luster
calls out for a life that at one point

He knew.

Lined with dark ash, covered
In rubies and gold.
Yet one look up above
One he could not obtain.

An illuminated lie in his dreaming state.

In stillness he stood
The ink that he bore
The scattered light he once held
soaking in his obsidian hues.

Things he could not take back
Things that he could not have

And all the questions he still had
could only be answered

By the moon.

I used to have a pet crow
Mar 2 · 72
Out of it
My hands reach for the door
Exhausted, just another day.

We never fight.

The smell of your perfume still lingers in the air.
Just as the day you left me.

Did you always seem to hate me?

I daydream as I fall into the couch
The life we would've had.

All alone again.

Did I betray us?
Not even a goodbye.

We never fought.

I sleep in an all too familiar place reminding myself clearly.
Out of spite.

Just like that I'm out of excuses.

fanfic made me sad hello
Mar 2 · 153
The warmth that lingers in the air
One thought swimming around in my mind.

She walks like driftwood floating ashore
Ever so still, ever so ethereal.

All I can think of is you.

You whisper only love and tenderness to me
I wish you wouldn't cry, that is all it really takes.

What do you dream of in nights like these?
The serene expression on your face melting in the middle of the humid evening.

I wish I could give you what you need.

My reflection swirls and shifts through the dark sealed windows
You hold onto me for fear that I will leave
And you are right.

Please let me go.
let me go.
I am not what you need.

The air in my lungs weighs me down
Your tears dance in the street lights.
I can only wipe them back but for how long?

You are all I can think about.

The way your warmth leaves me feeling cold
As the static in the background fills my brain.

Blue light bounces off of my eyes
I cannot make you happy.

You hold onto me with such resolve
Such need, how will I ever leave?
Not even for a quick three AM rinse.
I want to know what you dream of.

I guess its just another one of those midsummer nights.

I crash back into the mattress, your cold hands soothing me
You are all I can think about now
The only thing within my limited vision
It hurts me.

But its probably just the heat getting to me.

eyyyy summers here
Mar 1 · 271
Moon Lovers
I asked her, why?

Why she couldn't hold my gaze
Despite the indescribable connection we feel for one another.

And she told me
That we were like two sides of the moon
Always longing, but never meant to even see each other.

And nothing good would come from the fight to understand
The fight to see one another.

The fight to stay alive as two halves of each other.

For we do not complete us
We love so deeply we swallow ourselves whole
Trying so desperately to have more of what we cannot have.

We are two polarities
And we cannot co-exist together
Not like this.

I bid her farewell
Leaving her only in my thoughts and in the sky
That I often see her in.

The moon never seemed so dark as it rushed  to four quarters
Of what it used to be.

I love women <3
Mar 1 · 123
What am I in for?

You tell me.

I ask and you show me
The things I have forgotten

I ask and you give me
The sins hidden in the back of my closet.

Who were you?

Does it matter?

Its too late to be sentimental
No amount of praying to a God you do not believe in will get you out of here.

It clicked in my head like the metallic trigger
So cool to the touch, in my hands.

I am only but a ***** sinner am I not?

To be hung in front of the masses
Have at me, I will burn for every stare and every smile.

You deserve this do you not understand?

I am fully aware of what I deserve.

We do not bury my kind in the pillars of this church
It is a shame but I have none.

Do you know what you are in for?

There is no point in being sentimental.

So make me a shrine and pray for me
But sinners do not deserve forgiveness.

And I do not want to be saved.

Had some religious trauma flashbacks pog.
Mar 1 · 162
Deep Blues
The depths and the hold of the midnight hues of dusk
flowing into the surface of the water.
The sunken truth that lies in that shallow vastness
washes up on the shore, a trail of lingering darkness
found in the waters.

And so help me as I cannot help but become consumed
by the calling waves,
It whispers to me, it feels familiar
like home.

There is only a grim satisfaction that remains on my face
as I sink into the abyssal trap,
surrounded by all the unearthly treasures
I can only hold so much of.

And there it was, in that shallow looking emptiness
the indigo that threatened to take hold.
I was consumed by the sapphire
that corrupted my lungs.

I reach out to the surface
fading from my view
but only shades of cerulean escaped my mouth,
with no hope but only the suffocating feeling

of the deep blues.

Remembered that time I was floating in the ocean and a small earthquake happened.

— The End —