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Oct 2020 · 817
Happy Halloween
Kerstin Oct 2020
Rotting flesh
Something isn't right
Troubling smell
Aching heart
Darkness closing in
Silence echoing loudly
Shadows claw their way through your heart
You're breathing stops
It's inching closer every second
The emptiness
Oct 2020 · 815
Fear
Kerstin Oct 2020
I'm afraid
The darkness is closing in
Stealing my breath
Choaking me slowly

I'm afraid
Being pushed like a pin
Feeling like death
Not very holey

I'm afraid
I don't want to live alone
Empty, unfulfilled and lacking
That not the life I want to live

I'm afraid
The darkness, I own it
It wont let me forget when I'm packing
No matter where I want to live

I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid
I'm afraid
Oct 2020 · 2.4k
Hold my hand
Kerstin Oct 2020
****.
Hot, wet, nasty and painful.
Why is that all they want to do?

I just want someone to hold my hand,
make me smile and laugh.
Why cant I find someone who wants that too?
I'm not hard to please.
Oct 2020 · 244
Bees
Kerstin Oct 2020
Why does it hurt so bad?
We weren't anything
but your rejection stings.

You said all the right things,
I fell for all your promising.
I guess its my fault, at least just a tad.

Tell me please,
what happened,
Bees?

You spoke with ease.
Then ghosted
me.

Why does it hurt so bad?
We weren't anything
but your rejection stings.
Oct 2020 · 77
Untitled
Kerstin Oct 2020
it's not enough
it was never enough
so how can i be enough
when before it was all i had
Oct 2020 · 117
Waiting
Kerstin Oct 2020
I can't prove a negative
I can't give you evidence
For something that isn't happening
I'm not cheating on you
I can't
I won't
Make things up
I won't lie to you to prove something isn't happening
That only makes it worse
So I'll continue to do nothing
Maybe one day you'll get the point
That I really do love you
Jun 2018 · 444
Cant take you back
Kerstin Jun 2018
The past can tear at you
It can cut you open
Leave you with inflected rotting wounds
It can twist the blade deeper
Until you're begging to die
And worst of all
It can take you back
Make you feel like you did then
Rip your heart from your chest
And leave you without
Thank god it can't make you that person again
Apr 2018 · 383
i just knew it
Kerstin Apr 2018
i knew it
i knew it
i was never, enough
not now
not then
not ever
you'll always, cheat on me
your fingers don't
trace her collarbone
they don't follow her curves
to dip at her waist
they won't grip her hips
or hold her close
but your words cut me deep
shes ****
she appreciates you
she isn't me,
your wife
who does your laundry
cleans your dishes
turns your shirts inside out
when i fold them because
you believe its good luck
I won't ever be her
doesn't mean
I'm not ****
doesn't mean
i don't appreciate you
but you don't appreciate me
Jul 2017 · 699
Growth
Kerstin Jul 2017
From pain comes growth
and brings beauty in the end
.
From fire comes regrowth
And blossoms are beautiful
Jul 2017 · 421
After the sun rises
Kerstin Jul 2017
Lovers learn to love each other after the sun rises
True love can learn to love again after something traumatic
We can do it all over again
If you're willing
Jun 2017 · 583
Ass backwards
Kerstin Jun 2017
Normally after being cheated on
I should feel betrayed
You should be feeling guilty
Instead you’re making me feel guilt
Because in your distance you couldn’t see me trying
It shouldn’t be this way
We should be working together
Instead I feel guilty
Because you felt the need to cheat
And you’re feeling betrayed because in your 7000 miles
I couldn’t show you how hard I’m trying
Jun 2017 · 391
7000
Kerstin Jun 2017
You try to hurt me
That’s how it seems
When you tell me I’ll get my Karma
Because something small happened
You like to know I’m struggling
That I’m hurting deep inside
Where no one can see my wounds
You’re 7000 miles away
Nothing I can do to prove my pain
Apr 2017 · 384
certain similarities
Kerstin Apr 2017
i am nothing
personality functionality deficit
and i attract
people with certain similarities
people who have embraced solidarity
will you hide with me?
brought forward an onslaught of emotions
my love
you’re running bargaining
i end up alone
with false hopes
to an end of my own personal
apocalypse
as i write in this
mindset
brought on by
a year of internal struggling
and endless working
my mind wanders
as insomnia sets in
will I be alone?
will I die today?
a dose of the unrequited effort
my mind wanders
what if my world would go black
would that be my win?
ramble ramble ramble
this existential poem
would it be ironic to like it?
ramblings of death
the end and personal pain
if one truly hates the pain
and yet loves the idea
of the darkness
are you afraid to die?
alcohol i bid thee a fair burning welcome
how long will you stay
enough to to see my lack of coherent sentence structure
or enough to see i am a flawed creation
going on and on about existential problems
for i shall exist regardless of my best intentions
as the wheel continues to roll on despite the moss covering this rain slicked track
i am done
all alone
But I don't want to be
Apr 2017 · 395
Untitled
Kerstin Apr 2017
It *****
To want to die
When your life starts to come together
But your mind is screaming
Begging
End it here
Before it gets worse
Before it comes back to get you
The depression says
No
Not. Enough. Energy.
The anxiety says
It'll get much much worse
My heart
That
Left a long time ago
Apr 2017 · 284
Home
Kerstin Apr 2017
Someone asked me where home was for me,
I paused, I didn't know how to answer without saying it was you
you're my home
now I feel really alone
Kinda empty inside
And that feeling won't ever go away
Your arms are my home.
Apr 2017 · 353
Coming together
Kerstin Apr 2017
Kiss me
Even when we're struggling
I promise I taste like you're favorite tea
My every dream
Our lips so close
I can feel it
So close but we never touch
You are a must
Through all our pain
When I look in your eyes
I see our future  
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Only want to dream of you next to me
A dream I know will come true
We are inseparable
No matter how many times
We break each other's hearts
Feb 2017 · 386
The struggle
Kerstin Feb 2017
Our love isn’t human
It’ll never die like we will
It’ll live on in what we leave behind
The distance hasn’t torn us apart
And neither will she
Confused on what love is
Desperately reaching for someone who understands the pain
She had her chance
Now its lost
I wised up when you walked back in
Now I’m dazed by your heart
You hide from everyone else
Were in the deep dark forest
Hiding from the world
Its Lit
Like the fire in our hearts
Keeping the blood flowing
Frozen to the world warm to each other
Never alone even when you wanna be alone
Because I’m never leaving
I’ve seen your heart and it’s the most precious onyx
Blacker than darkness
But hotter than the fire that burns between us
Love never ending
For my husband. For whom my love burns eternally in the darkness.
Feb 2017 · 538
Understanding
Kerstin Feb 2017
In the darkness
Lies understanding
We are all alone
In my heart lies the facts
I am always with you
And you with me
Love connects us
Unable to be broken by others
And stronger every day
Feb 2017 · 604
Rain
Kerstin Feb 2017
The rain is falling,
and the skies are gray
It’s beautiful
but that's not how it was
when we woke up.
This morning,
the sun was shining,
and we were smiling.
Then the rain came
and washed the smile right off my face.
The spider dreads,
the clouds are here,
and where we stand
Is blurred.
And I’m hiding.
The rain is falling.
My smile is gone,
and my eyes are crying.
because they all want you,
and I’m not with you.
The messages mean nothing,
What if it happens again.
Breakdown or not.
I’m scared to lose you.
My everything is you.
My papi, no one else’s
My chulo, no one else’s
Im real scared, that she’ll worm her way in
She’ll take you away, maybe i won’t even know
I’m begging, tell me I’m wrong, because i have fear
My heart is heavy
An anchor weighs me down
I’m supposed to be home,
But i feel kinda alone.
Because my home is with you.
Dec 2016 · 741
Sparkle
Kerstin Dec 2016
I want to fall in the snow
Wear the sparkle to hide my soul
And Be soothed by the cold
As my body goes numb
Dec 2016 · 514
Holding
Kerstin Dec 2016
I love you
You make me feel empty
Is this love
Or is this something else
What to do with these emotions
The sun rises and sets with you
The rain falls because you wish it so
My heart breaks because you will it
I feel like I'm falling in an endless pit
I'm not Edgar Allen Poe
My world is not dark
My heart is not black
I live in the sun
And would **** to have fun
Now I am empty
Holding myself together
Hoping one day
You'll want to keep us together
What to do?
Dec 2016 · 696
Fall in
Kerstin Dec 2016
Forgive me
As I fall to pieces at your feet
My pores rotting
A stench so foul
Can you feel my heart
Reach now, Keep it
As I fall away
Can you feel my broken
My bones won't heal
My heart won't mend
All is a puzzle
Can you smell the rotting
My flesh at your feet
If looks could ****, yours did
Can you hear the silence
I scream without sound
I don't know what to do
I tear at my throat, trying to tell you what's inside
As tears fall
A lake deep enough to swim
My rotting body falls
Through the dark abyss
Can you feel my heart
Miles apart
Can we journey through the land far apart
I'm begging on my knees
Can we heal what's falling to pieces
Please?
Dec 2016 · 629
Bends
Kerstin Dec 2016
My head isn't in it
Of course I love you
Heart is in it
My head isn't  

I've been destroyed
All that's left is not me
I've been turned into worry
I was that strong tree

Now I am a flower
That bends to the will of the wind
Dec 2016 · 672
Your heat
Kerstin Dec 2016
It's been so long
Since I've felt your hands run up my thighs
As your eyes peer up at me
Show me your hunger
Your body covers mine
As your tongue hits the most wonderful spot
It's been such a long time
Since I've felt that heat
The trail of fire your lips leave on my frozen skin
Its been such a long time
Since I've last felt your lips on mine
The heat has faded and frozen over
Waiting
Dec 2016 · 517
Under
Kerstin Dec 2016
I tear my skin apart
Trying to fit in
Maybe what's inside really is all that matters
So I tear apart my outside
Trying to show the world my inside
Nov 2016 · 643
Skill
Kerstin Nov 2016
Do you know what it's like?
To have the person you love
Rip open your chest
Cut out your heart
With sergical like grace    
And tell you it's not red enough
Then throw it to the floor
But before their boot can bring the end
They pick it up say I'm sorry
Oct 2016 · 563
Fear
Kerstin Oct 2016
Suffering is never worse than the fear of suffering.
I'd take a million hits
Rather than fear when your fists will strike
I'd rather hear you scream
And feel my heart break
Then fear when your tongue will lash out
Oct 2016 · 516
Damnation
Kerstin Oct 2016
I can feel the numbness
It pulses in my lips
I pinch my hips
To see if I still exist
I can't breath
Maybe I'm just suffocating
The air won't pull in  
My chest rises and falls
But nothing gets pulled in
Im suffocating in the darkness
That I created
From my own stupidity
The world is not ending
But my world is pulling away
Taking the air I breath with him
I'm left out in space
But there are no stars
It's the emptiness
I carved out around me
With bleeding hands
I can't breath
I can feel the numbness
It pulses in my lips
I feel the grace of fingertips
I try to latch on
I weigh a ton
Will my world hold on
After all my stupidity
Will he give me air to breath
Oct 2016 · 564
Nothing
Kerstin Oct 2016
I love you
Even I try to be numb
When I don't wanna feel
I still feel that love
My head is dizzy
My stomachs upset
And my cheeks are wet
The room is spinning
Nothing can make it go away
Now I'm crying
Because it seems like you can push it away
I can't
I always know I love you
Even when I don't wanna feel
I still feel that love
I always love you
Even when I wanna be numb
The only thing I can feel
Is the love I have for you
Oct 2016 · 601
Anxiety questions
Kerstin Oct 2016
It's dark
My thoughts go running
As if for a stroll through a painful park
They're gunning for my demise
You said you love me
I can't see it with my own eyes
So maybe you didn't mean it
You're 7000 miles away
Surrounded by women
So much better than me in all ways
I'm nothing and they're a ten
My heart is shriveled to nothing
Still squeezing my chest constricts
I can't ask if you really mean it
It'll cause you pain
I'm the only one who deserves to suffer
I'm nothing important
Sep 2016 · 497
The day we fought
Kerstin Sep 2016
Silent
Ever expanding darkness
Nothingness surrounds my thoughts
When concerned with you
The darkness turns to fire
My skin bubbles and burns
Every horrible possibility comes to life
Playing behind my eyes
Tearing my insides to shreds
Over happenings yet to happen
Morbid days pass
With thoughts so painful
My color drains
The sky's stay so gray
Everyday all the feelings drain away
Replaced with pain
A constricting heart
Breathing hurts
My blood runs cold
Shut off from rational thoughts
My mind wonders to all thoughts grim
Silent ever expanding darkness
Turns to nothingness
Sep 2016 · 356
Anxiety
Kerstin Sep 2016
you make the pain stop,
the voices hide,
and the feelings tame.
my mind runs a thousand thoughts a second
but when you talk
i cant seem to think
the intrusive scenarios
that point out every horrific possibility
stop.
it all stops.
you calm the tide
you press pause on the game, my brain likes to play with my, every waking thought
your smile beckoned me from the dark
now when i close my eyes
i can see the way you walk, hear you talk
i wish i could understand how you think
even now, after you married me
i still wonder how you could love someone like me

— The End —