Another night as I lie awake somewhere in between this realm and the next
I hold myself the way I've done for so long
Missing something that feels so distant yet phases in so close to reality
Processing....
Dissociative dimension loading....
Physically here, mentally checked out
Overthinking taking the wheel
Not real, not real, not real
Pain, so much pain. Can't get it out of my head.
A figment of my imagination; it's clutches digging deep into my heart
Don't leave me
I'll be okay I have to be
Smile
I'm fine I promise (I'm not)
Blink away the tears that threaten to fall
Emotion consumes
Resolve
You're so strong they say
Voices whisper 'give up'
I don't wanna give up
There's still so much I want to do
Please help me
I'm not strong enough, but I'm a good person I swear
Hold me I'm begging
Tell me everything will be alright
Just once that's all I need
I'll never ask for anything else
I won't be an inconvenience anymore
I don't know anymore
Let go, let go, let go
Release control

Puppy, Play, Pet, Pleased
I sit on the floor next to you my head in your lap as you caress my hair.
So soft and pliant underneath your fingers.
I nuzzle your thigh and you cup my cheek.
"Such a good sweet boy."
I melt under your praise.
"Look at me.", and as I do you kiss my forehead, my eyelids, my nose, my chin, and my slightly parted lips.
I'm yours completely.
You lead and I follow.
Every step I fall for you.
Deeper, my heart is in your hands.
A red ribbon seems to bind us together.
Consent, Content, Connection, Calm.

Grief.
I hear that word a lot.
A feeling,
grieving,
an action.
It affects us in the deepest parts of our beings;
we push back so hard that it festers and bursts.
I'm grieving and I should be honest about it.
I'm grieving for my ancestors who went through trauma and continued on,
I'm grieving for my kin lost to the same rough waters we swim through now,
I'm grieving for the ongoing traumatizing events we face in everyday life,
I'm grieving for the me I could've been if only I'd been loved as I love myself now,
I'm grieving for the future we're working so hard for,
I'm grieving from this pain I'm burdened with.
Thank you grief.
I'm here to hold you and walk into love with you.

In my Dreams aliens invade.
I hide with people I barely know.
We seek solace in each other's humanity for fear of the unknown.
In my Dreams I fly over rooftops, over unsuspecting heads who go about their day as usual.
In my Dreams I am transported, abducted, and chased.
But in my Dreams I am me.
I am lost.
I am afraid.

When I wake static lingers like a long lost lullaby.

I feel like throwing up all these thoughts and words I have and much, much more.
I feel sick till I pour everything out.
The pain of lust and love gnawing at my soul.
The world eating at my heart.
My eyes full of emotional storms that I don't understand.
My brain is telling me to survive it all somehow.
Eventually I'll make it out of despair.

Sometimes I feel so empty inside, and it makes me want to delve deep within myself and hide.
Most days I want to cry, but every single day I try, to repair my heart and soul till I make it whole.
To replace what has died only makes me feel alive, to feel better in life, to progress and strive.
Still sometimes I feel empty inside, like the ocean at low tide, when I've lost my dignity and pride,
On love and happiness I rely.
A piece of me gone, and search for it I might, every night to be filled with just a bit of light.

Tantalizing, Tantalizing, Tantalizing
Frigid, Frigid, Frigid
Distant
A game we both play,
a game of tag..
Confident they'll win
Sure that I'll lose
Hunting
Sharp, Sharp, Sharp
Powerful, Powerful, Powerful

Children should not be born to cater to their parents emotional needs,
Or to be abandoned.
Children are humans.

So Tired in this world,
Full of fire,
Ready to burn down.
The flames die out,
But that was just the first round.
The evil,
The darkness,
The bloodhounds.
They howl in the night,
Such horrible sounds.
They ignite fear in the heart of children,
The devious clowns.
They'll set fire to your home,
And burn the whole town.
But at the end of it all,
I'll say "Who's Laughing Now?"

****.
This *****.
Voice dysphoria is a *****, they weren't lying when they said that second puberty really hits.
Every time I try to sing it cracks and ****.
Wake up every morning sounding sick.
I just want a deep voice like corpse.
But instead I just sound like a pony, a little hoarse.
****.
This *****.

On the blank pages I
write,
trying to understand why my heart feels so
contrite.
Staring off into the distance,
shutting off thoughts to which I don't want to
listen.
Pain and sorrow etched in so deep
we have become One.
I've always had hope,
but sometimes it feels like I've lost.
Like I've lost Me.
Who is Me? Why is it Me? What do I get from this? Where will it lead? When will it End?
Endless questions.
They're all devoid of answers.
Will someone just hand me a **** lifeline already?
Everytime I feel like I'm drowning.
I am.
I AM DROWNING!
or am I learning to breathe underwater?
Only time will tell.

Time takes too long.