Everyone has a fear of dying
But being in love
Is able to give you a fear far greater
It outweighs death and gives a bigger threat
The fear of losing love

You don't know me
The places I wanna see
The things I want to know
What I want to be told
No, you don't know me

You can't hold me
Or tell me everything's alright
When I know you hold her
Like you used to hold me

You tell her she's made of gold
You know her favorite food, her favorite dress
And all the other things
That you don't know about me

I know you've memorized
Her face, Her voice
Yet when you turn around
Can you even remember my name?

I guess it's too much to ask
For redamancy these days
As loyalty has gone out the window
A word of the past

But you used to tell me
That I was made of gold
And that in your arms
I was only yours to hold
But your hands have roamed
So far away from me

And it's not fair
To make me watch
As you do with her
All you did with me

We used to talk about the future
But in a single heartbeat
You have changed our destiny

All those words of yours
Come back and haunt me
Everytime you called me beautiful,
Was it just practice for telling her?

Well you were right about one thing
I am made of gold
And that girl of yours
No matter how much you try
To mold her into me
She will only ever be pyrite
Just a cheap imitation
Of the treasure you will never hold

There's something clawing from deep within
Telling you, telling me, telling them, telling everyone they are nothing
That this world is only temporary

And sometimes it's so hard to push it to the back of your mind
Your thoughts implode
And suddenly you are nothing

Sitting silent unemotive in a temporary existence
You find yourself craving something beyond sadness
Wanting for a way out of the hell that holds you in

And you cry out pleading for a different fate
Tormented tongues of a liars honest plead
Heeded only when the innocent turn black with hate

Victim to the holy cross
You're never gonna be free
Go ahead get on your knees and pray
For a God that doesn’t see
Take your faith and seal it away
You're never gonna be free
They like to watch you bleed

A cruor never gets to breathe
Take your tears seal them away

You aren't a man
If you think you can not only treat her like an object
But forget that she is a part of me
That we work together as a whole machine

You aren't a man
If you think you can hold out your hand
And she will simply crumble into it
Because its what you demand

You aren't a man
You are desperate and lonely
Looking for something to fill the void I left behind
But dont you dare try to fill it with her
I wont let you defile her mind
And she wont let you in

You are a boy
Not man enough for her
Not man enough for me

I miss you
It pains me when the younger generations don't remember you
For me, you were a whole other world
It's been about 8 years since I last told you that I loved you
Since I last held your hand and said goodbye
Knowing it was forever
It was hard to grasp as an 8 year old
That life was fragile
And that I had to watch it slip away
From someone who was so full of it
Sickness is a monster
It takes whoever it wants with no mercy
Why does it always prey on the kind?
You looked so thin
You could hardly speak
Yet you still looked like the strongest man i'd ever see
As you smiled one last time
To tell me not to cry
But how can I hold back tears when I think about all we did and how we never again can?
Please tell me that you love me once more
Please take me back to that museum we adored
The last place we went together
When I think back to that 8 year old self
The one before death came to teach a lesson,
Because parents can't look at their child and say their family member has run away like their dog last summer
And mine weren't the kind to speak of a heaven
I can't help but cry when I realise
That innocence I had can never come back
I still remember how you smelled, how you laughed, and the warmth of your hugs
I will never be able to hear your name and feel okay,
Because I miss you
But it's because I love you that I try not to cry
It's because I love you that I keep your traditions and jokes alive
Because I love you

On days like these it seems like writing keeps the punishing thoughts away
All of the dark and depressing fears are kept at bay
So long as though my fingertips they go on display

Yes, I am terrified of death
Because I know it is inevitable
There is no life after death
When I think about it I feel a sharp pang of nothing
There is no envisionment of an afterlife
Of a paradise
Because there is none, not for me

Even if I believe in reincarnation
It doesn't stop the fear
Because all of my memories in this life
Will disappear
And if I stop writing now
These thoughts will invade and my conscience will cave

My passions are overwhelmed by my fears
Luckily they are just scattered days on my calendar
If I can make it through this one
I will make it through the next

I don't want a boy to be my Prince
I want a man who will be my King
So I don't have to act like a Princess
And I can become his Queen

I don't have an issue with self confidence
A repetitive lie I've begun to notice that I tell
It's like the pain in my chest when I see other people's success compared to mine
I ignore both

When I read other writing I start out feeling so much inspiration
Then I reflect back on my own and feel incompetent
Because I can't write what they write
I can feel what they feel through their words
Something I wish I could accomplish

It's jarring and frustrating
I keep judging myself
The very thing I've run from has become my life

I can't escape the judgmental ways of this world
not from my father
not from my mother
not from my brother, my sister, or anyone
not even from myself
Because like it or not, the judgment is me

It's soaked into my veins
Like an obsession, an addiction
I wish I could pray it away,
But I don't have any faith
There is no God to save my soul
To give me pity
To take my sins away

There is only scrutiny over my every move
Whether it comes from within or someone else
It's not something I can wash away with a prayer

Love, why do you make my heart bleed?
It leaks thick red plasma that stains on my fingers
As I try to conceal the pain and hide it deep within
My own two hands reach up and take my breath away

The lies you speak catching in my lungs
Forget keeping appearances, I'm suffocating
The answers seem so clear
As I gasp for air

In shock I stare down at my hands in horror
As I find they are replaced with your own
This sudden display leaves me in disbelief
I don't want to see all the truth coming up to smother me

I wasn't smart enough to stay away
From those treacherous arms that promised safety
As they had planned from the beginning
To clench around my throat and liquidate all my strength and glory

Before we even said our first hello's
You planned the end before we began
Love, I will make your heart weep
What you give out comes back to you

I will get you on your knees
Begging for forgiveness
Till they become bruised and give out
I will break you down before you dare to believe you've won

If you are iniquity think of me as your karma,
You will never win

You are the poetry I wish I could write
Every feeling I get around you
Every word of yours I absorb
Every stare I wish I could immortalize
You are the poem I read over and over in my head
The one I wish was mine

Your words are like luscious braeburn apples
Sweet and transcendent
You are the very definition of oenomel
Combining strength with sweetness

Even when you are far away I feel your presence near me
I feel your gaze, your love, your heart
I can hear the beat as if you were right next to me
Like the heavy bass of a metal song it hits every note
Lulls me into tranquility

You are the reason I love to write
You challenge me to describe how I feel
Even when none of these words feel just right

How can I explain the feeling of your eyes, your smile
How can I define the connection I feel
With such a limited word bank
How could I possibly explain why you feel like poetry to me
Why your words are like a braeburn apple
And why your heartbeat is like the bass of a metal song?

If I could I would illuminate you with more light than this world could possibly contain
You'd be brighter than the sun and all the other stars
Perhaps that would help you understand
Just one drop from my sea of love for you

Your voice scares me
It's as deep and sudden as thunder
Yet when you speak
It's like a mellifluous melody that I can't quite place

I don't know why our eyes always seem to meet
Am I looking for you, or are you looking for me?
Just why do you appear in all my nightmares?
With a smile you always change the scene into a dream

When I think I've finally managed to tear you away
Your eyes stand guard in my mind
As if daring me to ignore you
Daring me to ignore the pounding in my heart

It's always been your eyes
They haven't left me since the moment they met mine

The first time you said my name sent shivers down my spine
I was surprised you knew it since we barely spoke
We were always like that
Just a sentence or two ever so often

That didn't stop me from wondering what you were really like
Behind your cold brooding exterior that made everyone afraid
Everyone but me, I knew you were just misunderstood
I'm sure deep down you are just as scared

You put up the front to keep away the vulnerability
But behind your tall walls you shelter all your insecurity
Allow me to be the first to peer past
I'll let you into my mind if you let me into yours

You've been in my head again
Refusing to leave like the earworm you are
So through paper and thick black ink
I will write you away

I’m sorry for every selfish thought I’ve had
But spending my time living in other people’s lies,
I thought I could at least dream
Of a place where the happiness was mine
But happiness isn’t just a fish that you can catch
It’s not for everyone to handle

I know you're busy trying to find yourself
Through nicotine and diet pills
I was just curious and thinking
Do you ever stop to wonder
If it's enough to just be the you that you are?
Do you ever stop to consider
If it's worth losing the you that's already there?

So call me when you get back
From the hell you're putting yourself through
When you choose me over all the worthless addictions you destroy yourself with
Call me when you get back
From all the nightmares you've made come true

Tell me who's been by your side
Through all of what life has thrown at you?
Can your cigarettes wipe away your tears?
Do those drugs make you feel so pretty
That you don't even need me?
You say that it's none of my concern
That just sounds like an excuse
What you need is a hard knock back into reality

Do you believe I will just ignore
All the brand new cuts, bruises, and burns?
Do you think I'll sit still while you tear yourself down?
I know you lie when you say you need to save yourself your way
Doing things your way looks like a hazard sign to me

I'm scared of what you have become
I'm scared of what you will do to yourself
I feel like I can't take my eyes off of you
Or you'll just disappear
I’m so mad at you for making me be so disappointed
In the person who I looked up to the most
Without any regard for those who love you
Choosing ephemeral means of feeling over the shoulders that we offer

Call me when you wake up tell me why you're upset
I want to be there for you
You know that I am someone you can come to
Call me when you need me
I promise I'll pick up immediately
Know that I know that you are scared
So call me when you're ready
I promise I'll be there

Trust that we always tell and seek the truth
Despite the glint in our eyes
The biting of our lips
Trust that honesty comes first
Trust that fear will be overpowered by strength
Even if it seems that Light always carries
Shadow as if it’s chained to it’s ankle

Believe that a perpetual smile will perforate
All the lies,
All the fear,
And all the tenebrosity

That it will pull you out of your deepest sorrows
Despite all the betrayal and aspersion
We must remember that although
Every light is burdened with shadow,
Every shadow is burdened with light

Be happy they say
As if its a command, a switch, a lever
So simple to them
They do not see
How intangible it is for us

The ones who refuse to pretend
To lie to ourselves
To lie to everyone

Be happy they say,
Be happy

People constantly compare love to rollercoasters
Many say it's because both have their ups and downs
What some don't realize is that rollercoasters do far more than just go up and down

There are twists, swirls, leaps, and loops
There are tunnels and pauses
There are tears, screams, laughter,
suspense, and joy

When it's finally over there's a feeling as if your organs have been flipped and jostled around
Yet still you come back for more
Thats what love is like

It's sickening and terrifying while at the same time it's liberating and exciting
Thats what it means to love like a rollercoaster
It means having your ups and downs as well as twists, turns, leaps, and loops

Behind his gentle eyes he hides a million thunderstorms crashing against, begging to be set free
Every morning there is a sunrise in her eyes, ignited by the fire she conceals inside

Each new discovery is another adrenaline rush
Finding out more about the other produces more epinephrine than a million coasters could muster
There is more to them than leaps and loops

They are untouchable by the hands of time
Tied together by the strings of fate
They are tangled in redemancy for each other and their world

Her love is thick and deep
His heart is pure and rare
She loves with her whole being
He loves with eternity,
Perpetual and without falter

A love without fear or hesitation
A love so strong it feels like crashing
Painful yet soft
It's like being stabbed
Piercing, sharp, painful, and throbbing
Feeling everything and nothing all at once
What I wouldn't give for a love like that

Sometimes I toss and turn at night
I can feel a thousand others do the same
We all lie awake with these thoughts dripping from the faucet of our brain

We always try
To turn the handle
Make them stop
Yet every attempt is in vain
There is nothing we could do to keep these thoughts contained

There is no drain for them to slip away
Instead they cause a flood in our minds
They make you realize there is no way to rewind
Trapped once again by the bars hidden behind our eyes

We continue to toss and turn
Attempting to shake away the truth of our mortality and find a way to dream of a place where happiness is not bought

These thoughts at night are louder than in the day
They scream like sirens
And you can't turn them off

All it takes to make a day is
Eight letters
All it takes to break a heart is
Eight letters

I love you
They say to capture you
I love you
They say to break you

We’re over they whisper
When they are done with you
We’re over they say
When they've replaced you

Can you believe it only took
Eight letters to hurt you?

You said I was a snowflake,
You told me that our love was rare and delicate.
But I've found that snowflakes collect together
Become dangerous and cause devastation–
A force of nature.
You told me love was like a snow flurry,
But ours was an avalanche.

The thing about being a hopeless romantic is that you always have these words you want to say
But no one to say them to
Yet when you do, you freeze
Because suddenly your words aren't enough

You often have this idea of love
Whether its the cheesy kind or some elaborate version of your own design,
You get so in love with the picture in your mind
That you become blind to the perfect love thats already there

Hold on to love because it happens so fast
Hold on to love because some moments refuse to last

Out of all these poems I've written of love and longing,
Out of all these years searching in the sea of people,
I still yet to understand how it's possible to have words without a muse

I often wonder what it would be like to have a muse without words
I believe it would feel suffocating
As you choke on all the words you long to exhale within your next breath
For a poet to be trapped by words is to be trapped by passion

Sometimes my heart swells up so big it walks across a sea of words and sinks into the deepness of the waters
Lost among the clearer beats on land
An abnormality pushed away from love like an ancient curse buried in my skin
One day i'll make it learn to swim rather than let it sink and bathe in sin

The question still remains
Would it be better to have a muse and feel like drowning,
Or to have the the words to accompany the lonely?

They say I am too young to understand the way the world works.
They say it as if I'm not already aware of the wars in foreign lands or violence in our homes.
As if I don't know of the fear of death.
The price of freedom.
The cost of living.

They say it as if I don't know about the shootings or the homicides.
As if I'm unaware of those making a living off of selling poisons to others
Or of the ones who sell themselves to stay alive.
They think I don't know about ***, drugs, death, fear, pain, or life itself.

Nothing is hidden in this world.
Your children grow up knowing about horror and crime.
Its ridiculous to shelter them from what they already know.
You believe they are innocent until they turn 18,
But little girls and boys grow up with pain.
There are no thoughts that you can contain.
They will find answers to the questions even if you dont want them to be found.

I find it strange that when I look into your eyes I'm not met with an endless starry sky. The world around me doesn't freeze or turn monochrome around everyone but you. I don't see an endless sea or visions of a setting sun, no matter my determination. So how do I know it is love if it isn't as the words I've heard all my life describe?

Yet my heart still drops when you walk into the room, even when your focus is a place far off. People say it's like a flutter but this is far too heavy to use such a light word to describe such a feeling. It's painful, but I know it isn't something ominous or bad because it feels right. How do I know it is love if none if my words describe it right as they should?

I get it every time our eyes meet or you tilt your head and smile with your head in the clouds. I get it when you laugh to yourself or say something hardly above a whisper. When you focus so hard you ***** up and let out that silly sigh of aggravation and I feel such deep affection. Yet is it alright for me to say what I feel is love when I can't even tell myself what love is?

I don't think your eyes need starry skies or my stomach needs a million butterflies. Your smile doesn't need to illuminate the room and my thoughts for you don't need an anchor. Your love shouldn't have an expectation and my words don't need to have a proper diction.

Perhaps I'll see it in your heart or feel it in your touch one day if you feel the same regardless of what the world has sold me with their modern day poetry. I promise you that no matter how hopeless I become I will find out for myself  what it means to love you wholly, even if I have to find out from loving at a distance.

Do you ever feel tied to a string drifting aimlessly through the world?
Forcibly being pulled in random directions and never the way you want?
Then why do you shy away from the one who holds you tight,
The one who tells you to ignore the habitual ways of the world and go where you want?

When they hold onto the string which sways you, dont you feel as if you have been stabilized?
As if the world is no longer just a blur, but a vision of clarity around those gentle hands which hold you in their grasp?
As if they are all of the answers to the questions life relentlessly asks you?

When they stop you from swaying out of control the dizziness doesn't stop
It leaves from your head and rushes to your heart sending butterflies to your stomach
Leaving you in a foreign position with thoughts you can't believe you hold behind your fragile mind

Before you have time to hold your hands out to catch yourself you begin to fall heart first for the one nobly clutching onto your wavering string
All the doubt and panic of the world seems irrelevant

As time passes the worries of yesterday fade away as you gaze into the eyes of the one gallantly at your side
As the distance between you fade your heart lightens as the strings connecting you disappear to be replaced by warmth of those stabilizing hands

No longer separated by the strings of fate your thoughts are clear
The one who's been there through all of the calamity
The one who held you when you were lost and insecure
Who brought you out of the veils of darkness and into the light
A friend, a lover, a soulmate
The person just for you who built their home inside your heart

Two bold butterflies flutter by
Like lovers, reaching up to kiss the sky

Down swoops a radiant raven
Beak open and ready for the ****

Yet as it speeds down
It falters and glides past

Today it spares the lovers
While it carries on it's merry way looking for another meal

They were ignorant to the danger,
Consumed by eachothers love and blind to the world

The raven was like a warning of an unavoidable conflict
Possible to stall, inevitable in the end

But not today,
Today is for the butterflies

They didn't write about this in the fairytales of my childhood
They never told me love could fade away
That it is hard to find, but easy to lose

They never gave me forewarning that my heart could be broken by my prince
Or that I could be the breaker of his
Who knew we were given such power, such responsibility?

They never told me there were other princesses roaming in his mind
They never told me of other princes who could catch my eye
Who knew of such dishonesty, such infidelity?

Who knew love was something so fragile?
As if it were porcelain it slips through your fingers so fast
To be shattered like the illusion of the fairytale love story in your mind
When you see the truth a ******* leaves behind

The one thing that I can never have
Is the only thing I seem to want
Never can I eradicate it from my mind
The thought that will punish me

Do I try too hard to make them smile?
Do I try too hard to seem like I belong?
Is that all there is,
Am I too far gone?

The thought that punishes me
Is that I will never be good enough
I can’t change the judgmental ways of the world

The thought that punishes me
Is that I will never be what you need
I can’t change all of the imperfections in my life

Despite everything I am the owner of my mind
I control these thoughts of mine
I have such power over myself

I let that power slip through my fingers
I let it become tainted
Consumed by my self loathing
My thoughts are furious and vast

Yet no matter what my desires may be they disobey
Tenebrous corners of which I cannot escape surround me
Suffocate me
As I am caged in the cursed darkness of my brain

I reach out as far as I can manage
I reach out knowing that no one will see me drowning here
In the ocean of my mind
No one will grab onto me and save me
From these thoughts of mine which punish me

Im spinning out of control
Twirling and leaping further and further away
From everything that seems to say
“Let me save you”

I run as far as I can whilst screaming
“Please someone save me”
But such a selfish thought will only lead me further astray
These are the thoughts that punish me

A feeling
A sinking feeling
Hits me out of nowhere
Its painful, I can’t deny
Why do my thoughts invade
Corner me in my own mind?

I can’t escape this pain
Where can I run when the perpetrator
Is my own conscience?
Where can I hide when i’m my own worst enemy?
How can I find a moment alone from my fear
When I am constantly there to remind myself
How terrified I am?

This fear is a prison in my mind
The insecurities toss me into a cell
They call it a moment of self doubt
A wave of depression
I am trapped here
They tell me that it’s my own fault
My own doing, a hazard to myself
I cry out over and over again
This is not me

Yet they don’t hear me from within
The confounds of my cell
Within the prison of my mind

Like sudden rainfall on a sunny day
The happiness fades away
Like water inside a drain

These thoughts are torture
These thoughts are pain
These thoughts punish me
Day after day
These thoughts destroy me
These thoughts control me
These are the thoughts that punish me

Crawling through my brain till it has made channels connecting to tunnels like little circuits replacing my nerves, the little worm I call Loneliness wriggles onward.

A constant motion of forward goes that worm, bringing with it a never ending feeling of monachopsis.
Day after day it dwells in my mind as the worm carries on.

It adapts and evolves finding a solution to every mastermind plot I find from removing this creature, this beast, this worm from my mind.

“Friendship is betrayal, they all leave and deceive in the end,” it whispers through my head as if another conscience inside my being.

I fear the worms words and obey every command. Dare I disobey what dismay would come my way?

“Happiness is a lie along with perfection, never trace your hands along such deadly lines, the lines of which a mortal mind should never tread,” he says using my beliefs against me. “Happiness is for those who belong, not for you, never for you!”

The worm screams those words through my mind anytime I laugh or smile reminding me not to be so daft.

Oh beautiful, wonderful,brilliant demon of mine.
Keeping me from trying to find ways to end the suffering in my life

Morbid torment in the back of my mind,
Keeping me from trying to find ways to silence the loneliness screaming within, bringing me further into the dark.

What would I do without you, dear Loneliness?
You cloud my mind and free me from my foolish desires.

Why should I not be alone?
If I was meant to feel together,
Then together surely I would feel.

Why should I feel happiness when happiness isn’t mine?
How selfish I would be without you holy creature,
Beautiful blessed worm of wonder.

Someone once asked me why I like poetry so much
If its sometimes hard to understand
And its sometimes confusing to read

In return I asked them why they like to feel
If the feelings are sometimes hard to understand
And sometimes confusing to read

They cocked their to the side and asked what my words meant
They simply didn't understand
That the words from a poet are are tangled by the beat of their heart

Sometimes we can't help but to speak figuratively
Because we like to hide our thoughts and feelings in plain sight
Finding out what weight the words carry is half of the excitement

Just like wearing our feelings for our crush on our sleeve
Or ignoring someone when we're angry
You don't make it obvious, but you leave all the clues in the open
Because just like a poet, you want to be found

I want
To fall in love with someones smile
To swoon under their gaze
To become dizzy with their touch

I want
To crave someone like an addiction
To nestle up to their warmth
To get an adrenaline rush from their scent

I want
To hold them and never let go
To tell them how much I love them everyday
To keep discovering them like it's my personal quest

I want
To give them my heart
To love them for all that they are
To keep them from the tainted world

I want
But what can I do with these contaminated hands?
How dare I try to hold them close with these hands of mine flowing thick with lies?
To tell them sweet nothings with my corrupted tongue?

My love
Is like a wildfire
Sudden, quick, and innocent
Without my permission my little spark turned into a flame
And consumed everything that contained a letter in your name

My love
Is like a wildfire
Untamed, ephemeral, and dangerous
It destroys all it touches,
Breaking barriers, burning bridges
It envelopes everyone in its warmth leaving no option but to run or turn to ash

Beware of my wildfire love
You cannot leave unscathed
I leave a scar

Beware of my wildfire, love
Because I'll burn enough for us both
I'll keep you warm on cold nights and dry on rainy days
I will set your heart ablaze and love you with all the force of my wildfire

Beware of my love,
It can't be forgotten nor replaced